Undisclosed Emotion

Unchartered Territory

2009-02-17T00:34:00.003-05:00

So I took a step of faith this week. I had a very long conversation with a family member about some very personal thoughts and feelings, and to my surprise... was actually met with understanding and compassion. Totally not the reaction I was was expecting, and I really never set out to have this conversation - it just kinda happened. Very interesting to say the least. It's weird having someone else know my thoughts, know my struggles. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like at any moment, my "secret" could be out. My skeletons could be ripped from my closet and cast out into the middle of the room for the whole world to see, and I have no control over it - this family member does. This is a very strange place for me to be. I guess all we can do now is buckle up and hold on and see what happens.

Oh the week (or two) I've had...

2009-01-27T00:42:00.003-05:00

Definitely needing to vent... or something. Not really sure. I've had, for lack of better word, a very - overwhelming - week. Well, two weeks. It started about a week and a half ago.

I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?

So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.

If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...

It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.

How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....

Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...

My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.

Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).

Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!

*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....

Updates...

2008-11-19T04:23:00.001-05:00

bad blogger! yeah, I know... I've been awful. I've been writing a lot in a paper journal so that leaves this blog sort of unattended. I suppose I could type things in here after I write them... there is a possibility. Anyhow - a few quick updates before I pass out. soooo tired today for some reason.

Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!

I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.

Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!

I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.

Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*

Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!

Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.

So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Guess what I got?!?

2008-10-19T01:34:00.002-04:00

A few days early, but definitely excited about my brand spakin' new birthday presents!!! First, my mom sent me a new computer which was just in the nick of time because I was definitely about the chuck this stupid laptop through the window. ha! Sometime last year, one of the computers at the bookstore crashed and we took my CPU and used it there. Mom promised to either help me with my trip to Paris/London or replace my computer. Well... neither happened until today! Sooo excited. It was just the tower and extras, no monitor because I still have my old one. Eventually, I will buy a flat screen monitor.

What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.

My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!

Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!

I've been tagged!!

2008-10-07T23:44:00.002-04:00

I was tagged by Gayla: http://gaylasgabfest.blogspot.com/

Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers

6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...

1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)

2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar

3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish

4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!

5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...

6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.

I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!

The details...

2008-09-13T20:51:00.002-04:00

So... This weekend was our Women's Espirit Conference. About 2-3 months ago my friend Meggan from work started coming to church with me. Bless her heart - my heart breaks for her. I see a lot of myself in her and more importantly I see where I could have ended up. I was (and sometimes still am) painfully shy, backward, very self conscience, low self-esteem, low self-worth... and the list goes on. I have watched Meggan in these past few months begin to change herself. She's lost some weight, taking care of her body, she kicked a very controlling boyfriend to the curb - well, she left the apartment. I have watched her transform. When she started coming to church with me, I watched as her dress changed, her attitude changed, her vocabulary changed, her demeanor changed. It is such an awesome thing to watch. She began a Bible study with my pastor's wife and I watched more changes. She decided to get baptized, and the changes kept coming. But nothing compares to the IMMEDIATE change we witnessed Thursday evening of Ladies Conference. Literally five-ten minutes and she was speaking in tongues! I'm smiling now even thinking about it - I'm sure everyone has seen that transformation but I've never saw such a dramatic change instantly. I can't wait to see what God continues to do in her life and in the life of her family.

Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.

Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.

So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.

I'm soooooo excited...

2008-09-13T10:50:00.002-04:00

I don't have time to get into details right now - that will come when I get home. But clif notes version... my friend Meggan got the Holy Ghost at Ladies Retreat this weekend!!!!!!!!!! AND... they are finally moving me at work - Praise be to Jesus. It has definitely been a good weekend for me! More to come later.... stay tuned!

At a loss...

2008-09-08T23:23:00.002-04:00

So... I had a doctor's appointment today, and I've got to say ... it was less than encouraging. What is it with doctors now-a-days that just want to dope you up? He was in the room with me for less than five minutes, listened to my innards, pushed on my guts and wrote me a prescription. I didn't like how he was trying to "sell" me on this medication from the beginning. Of course, I have no clue what he's talking about by the name so he starts to tell me about another patient of his that has similar symptoms and this medication seems to be helping him.

*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.

*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?

Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.

I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.

So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.

Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.

A working progress...

2008-09-04T01:28:00.003-04:00

Here's something I'm working on for my next session with Miss Carla. I've sorta had writers block, so I've not taken any journaling to her in about 3 weeks. So... I decided to lock myself in the quiet room at work on my lunch today to write, and this is what I've come up with so far. Keep in mind, I have not proof read any of this... and this is probably more personal than I have ever posted on here - or anywhere.

I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…

I feel stuck at work

I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck personally

I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck emotionally

Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck physically

I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.

I feel stuck spiritually

I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.

To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!

I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul

I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.

I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.

It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.

Interesting...

2008-08-12T23:40:00.002-04:00

Sooo... remember several postings ago when I had lost a blog entry due to some crazy computer problem? Well, I found today under the whole manage blogs thingy, that it automatically saves all your drafts. Cool huh? So, I finished the thought (what I could remember of that thought from months ago) and published it. Problem is... it saved it as the day I first started it. So... It's back in June and it's entitled "wow". So... feel free to go back and read.

Anyhow - as far as updates here goes.... Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I got a roommate. That means, for all the SAM folks out there - Jennifer DEFINITELY going to Greece! That is ... if I can work out the vacation time deal and can save for it, which should not be a problem since I have the new roomie to help me out.

Kinda weird sharing my space. I've very much been a loner all my life, I'm fiercely independent, and have lived by myself for 3 years. Not to mention, even when I lived with grammie and grampie for 2 years I was pretty much on my own; and then the 4 years at IBC (the majority of the time I did not have a roommate).

So... this week Carla gave me some homework, and I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to do it. I let her in on an image that I've had for quite sometime and never shared with anyone. I wrote in my journal about this little girl. Well... let me just copy and paste for ya:

"I have this image in my mind of a little girl, holding what should be a solid heart shaped object; except, her heart is not whole. She has worked feverishly to put back together the broken pieces to form the outside shape, in fact, it’s so good that you cannot tell it was ever broken until you take a look inside. All that is left inside are shattered pieces of what was once whole. That’s kinda how I see myself approaching God. With my shattered little heart, hoping I’ve put it together just right and too scared to tell Him what happened to the rest."

So... my assignment this week is to "talk more about that". Ha - she says that a lot. She wants me to write more about these pieces and identify them. She said I could draw it or make something more 3D or just write.

She also correlated my chest pains to that of a cutter. She said that cutters self mutilate for one of two reasons. Either (1) they want to see a physical representation of the pain they feel on the inside, or (2) they cannot feel anything so they cut to make themselves feel something. She said that it could be that my chest pains are a manifestation of the pain that I've got going on deep down inside. So, she wants me to think about and write about what my other body parts would say to the pain in my chest. Not sure what to do with that one. I've got several ideas rolling around in my brain about they whole heart thing, but I don't know which direction I will go with. I'll start with writing because that is what I'm good at. That I can handle. It's the talking about what she reads that is difficult.

She says that I'm doing a great job and that she can see the progress that I'm making. I... just don't see it, I don't feel it, I just don't know. But I'm plugging away. She constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself. ha-- I know that, but I also know that I know no other way of being.

*yawn* well, I've been awful this week and not gotten my tail to the gym at all. I'm shooting some t Body Pump at 6 tomorrow. That means I've gotta be up and going in about 5 hours. So I had best be trying to get some sleep. Don't know if it will work - got too much bouncing around in this little brain of mine.

Asta!

The day from Hades!!!

2008-07-23T00:12:00.003-04:00

Ugh! I am soooooooooooooooo glad to be home after the day I've had. I swear, I am going to stab some people. Family members, coworkers, and at this point... just a random stranger. ha! I'm kidding - I would NEVER actually harm someone, but I sure do feel like it sometimes! I have reached my tolerance level for a couple of guys at work. I'm tired of the "woe is me" routine and the constant flow of negativity that comes out of their mouths. One guys has been on crazy leave for almost two months. While he was gone, we have to do his work - he's been back for one full week and guess what? Exactly -- back to the negativity, outrageous outbursts, irrational behavior, mumbling and talking to himself, threats of suicide and violence toward others... I've had it. Completely DONE with it. I don't see why I am required to deal with this, why I have to be subjected to that sort of behavior. We are all adults, we are all going through our own personal battles -- suck it up and take like a man, sit down, shut up and do your job so you can go home and not bother me. haha... is that too much to ask?

Seriously, Joann is facing the thought of every living member of her family moving away - like, states away. Meggan is facing her own personal battles and is a little confused right now as to what to do with her life. I am happy to say she has been going to church with me quite a bit lately and that she has agreed to meet with Sis C. before church Wednesday to discuss a Bible Study and other issues she is having. Travis has got some health issues going on. Andrea has just moved into her own house for the first time ever and is adjusting to that. Lloyd has twins that are ALWAYS sick. Vanisia is having LOTS of health issues and her own mental health issues. I have been going through whatever this funk is as well as some medical things. My point is, we all have our issues and things that we are dealing with. So why is it that Matt and Andy get to come in and spew forth negativity for 8 hours straight and the rest of us are expected to sit there and take it?! I'm sorry... I'm done.

Beyond that - I'm just wore out. I'm at an emotional low right now, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I just wanna wallow in it - and that's not healthy. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am getting nowhere with Carla. Even though she says it's going good - I just feel more and more unsure and uneasy. My current wonderings are this... There are deeply painful things in my past that must be addressed and healed in order for me to move on. Is it possible to dig these things up, deal with them, forgive those people, allow God to heal those places and move on without having to actually speak to those people about it?? I'm not sure that is possible. In fact, I highly doubt it. I know that I'm probably FAAAARRRR from that point, but the thought and fear is still there. But, among other things, that is weighing on my mind right now.

I have, however, managed to wear myself out to the point that I'm about to fall asleep. So... I'd better take Sugar to pee and head that way. Don't know if I'll make it to Body Pump in the morning, but it's my half day -- so I could go to the 4:25 class again this week. Hmmm....

New Things...

2008-07-22T09:08:00.000-04:00

Alright.... so.... I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. I, Miss Fiercely Independent, am getting a roommate. Yep, you read it right, I am welcoming someone into my home to LIVE. I haven't decided if I'm really excited about it or not. Amy is moving here from Georgia, and is moving for the specific purpose of attending my church. She picked church first, then where she was living, then found a job. ha! She is a Pediatric Nurses so it wasn't too difficult to find a position. So she moves in August first. Between now and then I've got some moving around to do. The biggest problem I am having with her moving is her putting her things in my grandma's furniture. If you open the drawers, you can still smell her - and I'm not ready for that to go away. So, she agreed to bring her own furniture, and I'm going to move that set into my music room and set that up as a guest bedroom so we will have a place for people to stay when they come to visit. LOTS of moving around to do. Piano has got to find a place to go, then wherever I put that whatever was there has to find a place to go... and so on. haha.

In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.

I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.

So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.

Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.

New Book

2008-07-15T22:04:00.002-04:00

Soo.... the long anticipated wait for my book "Captivating" has finally arrived. I read probably 50 or so pages while at work today already and can't wait to get back to it. I stopped reading at the chapter called "wounded" because I just felt as if a squalling session was in my future. Didn't really wanna do that in between collection calls - somehow, I don't think that would be okay with my boss, my co-workers, or my customers.

I really like it so far. If any woman reading this has not read it - I HIGHLY recommend it so far. Just over look the two references to the trinity and you are good.

I really liked how they reviewed the creation story. It was talking about how every great work of art or piece of music is a crescendo. It is building to the most important aspect. It made the reference that creation was building, each creature was more beautiful and complex than the last. Man was made in God's image, and yet His creation was not yet good - it was not until he made woman that creation was complete. It said that the world could not be complete until woman was made. How powerful is that? The book calls us "the crown of creation". How cool is that.

My favorite part so far is when they talk about the scripture when God decided to make Adam a companion. In the original text it is "ezer kenegdo". The book says that the Hebrew scholar Robert Alter says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". English words that some have used have been 'helper', 'companion', or 'help meet'. But it goes on to say that the word "ezer" has only been used in 20 other passages in the Old Testament, and each time the person being described was God himself, when you need Him to come through for you desperately. So Alter translates the phrase "sustainer beside him". So.. .by definition, we are made to be a lifesaver to man. We are needed that much. Wow... that is sooo powerful.

More to come in the future. Reading this book has been... well, it's just been an eye opener. At times I swear it's like they are taking the ramblings of my very soul and typing them out before my eyes to read. It's a comfort to know that what I feel is not uncommon. My therapist told me the other day not to worry that I was far from crazy and she will not have me admitted. HAHA... I can't help it - it's a fear. It's weird to feel ashamed for so many years about thoughts and feelings that go on in the privacy of your own mind, to learn in an instant that every woman deals with the same emotions and feelings at some point and on some level. wow. Kinds dumb struck at the moment.

Well, my bladder is about to bust, and I can't wait to get back to my book. Asta...

Frustrated

2008-07-12T22:29:00.002-04:00

So... I'm a little frustrated today.

Do you ever have a moment, or time, in your life where you know you should do something, but just cannot bring yourself to do it? That is where I am at in my life.

Through this whole therapy process, I have learned a whole lot in a very short amount of time. My entire life I grew up and up until recently in my (yes very short) adult life have ... well, I've held onto a lot of hurt, disappointment, and even blame for my dad. I mistakenly thought that he was the main focus of why I am the way that I am, and why I am dealing with all of these thoughts and feelings. What I have learned is... it wasn't his fault. I have blamed him for so many years and I have held him as my #1 issue for so long; that it feels weird that he's no longer in the top spot. By no means am I saying that we have everything resolved - in fact, far from it; but I am starting to see absolutely EVERYTHING from a different perspective and in a different light. It's amazing how much small pieces of information can change, basically my entire life.

What I have learned is quite disturbing. It has shown me the depths of selfishness. And it has taken me to a whole other level of the craziness that I knew as my mother. Carla thinks from what I have told her, and from an email that I gave to her from Lynz, that mom could have (or still is) suffering from a personality disorder. When I think of personality disorders, I think of Cybil - you know... the woman that had like 7 different personalities. They all had names and different characteristics. But she said generally you have "all good" and "all bad".

I don't talk about my mom, or how it was growing up for the simple fact that she is so different now. And herein lies the part where I'm torn. I feel like, eventually, I'm going to have to confront her with all of these emotions, hurts, anger ... what have you. It's just ... I don't think that I can.... ever. I was talking to her today, and it's harder to carry on a conversation with this woman with all that I have learned about her - or forced myself to remember. She was truly awful growing up. And I know that no mother is perfect, and we all have issues with our mama's.. but you just don't know the depths of this woman's manipulation and down right craziness.

I was listening to her today talk about a cousin of mine who is struggling right now with some mental issues and trying to get her meds straight. And Lynsey if you breath a word of this to anyone I'll cut you... But I sat there while she said, you know, sometimes I just get the feeling that she's putting on. Okay, first of all -- crazy lady -- you have no right commenting on the sanity of anyone, nor pass judgment on whether or not they are being genuine. Queen of psychoville and pretend we're from normalsville. Second... there is no way anyone is going to fake a mental illness to the point that they voluntarily put themselves through HELL trying different meds that make you more crazy until you can get better. AND no one is going to fake needing a little help when they are so consumed with hurt, anger, pain, rejection, grief, abuse and God only knows what else that they are confined to a hospital room until they can stop clawing at their own flesh. Whatever - just be there for her. You know what she's went through... leave her alone and let her get the help she needs.

UGH!! That was so not my point, but that's what got me thinking. She's never been confronted with her actions... not by me anyway. She's walking on in her life as if we were this peachy, hunky-dory, everything was wonderful family... and it was far from that. I think that there needs to be discussions and things talked about, and questions answered. But I am FAR from that place.

Besides having a week from Hades... haha. I was counting down the days until Monday nights session. That's pretty bad. haha. I really did loose my mind in the doctor's office this week. I couldn't breath, my chest was pounding (was already hurting), and the left side of my face went numb... I was a little upset. Anyhow... I think I'm gonna soak in the tub for a bit and head to bed.

p.s. Please keep Sis. Millie Coursey in your prayers. She's kept a fever the last couple days and have had to give her 2 units of blood. Her spirits are really down, and that is the most disheartening. She is refusing visitors. Please pray for her quick recovery.

Prayer Request

2008-07-10T21:30:00.002-04:00

Millie Coursey - a DEAR saint in our church - has been diagnosed with Cancer. She is my good friend Danielle's mother, and precious to me! Two weeks ago, she noticed a knot in her side and it grew massively. Finally the pain go so unbearable that she went to the emergency room knowing her insurance junk was not straightened out yet. (It is now)

Long story short, they found a mass so large in her side that they could not tell where it was attached to, if it was attached to anything, or even what organs it was affecting. This was Sunday when she went into the hospital, and today (Thursday) they had surgery to remove it. They ended up taking out the mass, her ovaries, and part of her colon. They were able to remove 90-95% of it, and then put in a port so that they can do localized Chemo. They don't have to do it through her bloodstream so there will be less side effects.

They obviously are sending off for tests, but since the tumor had started attacking organs and eating through her colon, they are saying that is typical of stage four. So... please pray for Sis. Coursey and her daughter Danielle. They have no family in the area, closest is in Delaware and it's distant family. So they need a lot of prayers and support right now.

A quick update...

2008-07-06T23:28:00.003-04:00

In the way of updates... just wanted to put in here some results of the recent doctor's visits. I hate doctors... have I mentioned that? Well, I do.

Any how... they scheduled an Endoscopy last week to make sure that my chest pains were not being caused by anything gastrointestinal. And among other concerns... Dr. Cline said that he found a place in my stomach that was hemorrhaging. Niiice. My guts are bleeding. Great.

And I'm not quit sure if it's the whole mind over matter thing, but ever since that appointment I've noticed that I've had sharp pains in my stomach. And lasting pain, not just one stab and it's gone. Not too excited about that. Dr. Cline didn't seem to concerned though, so I'm really not sure.

The "other conscerns" (which I will not get into) could be a huge financial straign. Basically, the doctor he want to refer me to is not currently covered by my insurance. They want a HUGE new patient set up fee before they will even submit for pre-approval from my insurance. I have found a cheaper route, but I'd have to travel quite a ways to get there. Confused yet?

Bottom line - either *a* my insurance covers it and I can take care of it locally; *b* I travel, cheaper doctor, time off work, possibly hotel costs; *c* do nothing and problem could be sever. What's a girl to do??

Well, I'm about to pass out - have been home for about 20 min or so and have been on the road since about 6am this morning. sooo tired. Will give ya details about the Single Conference and Family Reunion later... gonna.... go... to.... zzzzzzzZZZZzzZZZzzZZzZZZZzz

Yeah... it's been a while...

2008-07-02T00:19:00.002-04:00

Okay... to my few faithful readers... I do apologize for being MIA for the last little bit. As you can imagine, I have a lot going on right now. Not an excuse but a reason. I really don't have the time or the strength to update on everything tonight, but I will give a brief overview so that you will know I've not fallen off the face of the planet.

So, in a previous blog, I had written that I had bit the bullet and scheduled a counseling session. Last night, I believe, was my fourth session. My therapists name is Carla - and I actually like her. I love watching her process information - I can see those little wheels a turnin' ha! It's still so very hard for me to even show up, let alone talk to her. So... I think this week I am going to work out a list of things that I think we should talk about. Bless her heart, she doesn't know what to ask - and I'm not going to sit and volunteer information. So I'm going to make a list I think. I've made these first few steps, I can't back out now. If I do...... I think I'll loose my mind. So... *singing* onward Christian soldiers...

In preparation for that, I have contacted some people from my past to try and find out some answers and fill in the blanks of the childhood I have suppressed. I sent an email to Sis. Rachel (former assistant pastor's wife), two of my high school teachers - Mrs. McIlrath & Sal, and a friend from IBC, Joy. I had a very interesting 1 1/2 hour talk with Sis. Rachel, but have yet to hear from the rest. I'm not really sure what to do from this point, but I really do feel like I need answers and I need to figure out what happened back then. My only other options are Stacey, my cousin who can't tell the truth or keep her mouth shut, and David - my best friend who is married and has 2 kids and still has feelings for me. Yeah - haven't contacted either of them. I do think I'm going to recruit a spy though. If there's one thing that Stacey LOVES it is to gossip... if I can get the right person snooping, she'll spill her guts (probably add to it) and not even suspect me. sneaky aren't I?

In the way of regular doctor's appointments, I go tomorrow for an Endoscopy. I have a feeling they are going to want to do a colonoscopy as well - ugh! So... even though I have a TON of things bouncing around in my head - I MUST try to get some sleep. Gotta get up early so I can get to work early so I can leave early to get to my appointment on time. Wish me luck!!

Dang it!!

2008-06-12T00:33:00.002-04:00

UGH!!! I just typed this whole gut wrenching blog about junk w/ my dad and it's GONE!! *sigh*

I don't have the energy or the emotional strength to do that again. It will have to wait for another time. I'm about to fall over as it is, and my chest is hurting bad tonight, I need to sleep!!!

I will say this ... has been a good visit so far -- but I just cannot let my guard completely down. He decided to stay another day, so I'm working early tomorrow (shhh... don't tell the Erickson's cuz I'm still ditching Praise and Worship practice even though I'm not working) and we may try to get together for lunch.

There is so much that I want to talk to him about, so much that I want to ask him, so much that I feel like I need to understand... and yet I can't bring myself to do it. Hope says I need to leave it alone. She seems to think that digging up the past will harm more than help, and it's better not to know. I told her that I wonder in techno-color and she still thinks I need to leave it alone. I just don't know. I feel like I need to understand why I am the way that I am, and in order to do so and to change it, I must first understand how I got to this point. Ya know what I mean?

*sigh* I've gotta go... more to come later.

wow...

2008-06-12T00:22:00.004-04:00

So... several entries ago, I had lost a blog entry that I had started due to a freezing going on of my laptop. Well... low and behold - this nifty little website saves all your drafts. Hmm... found that today. so here is that long lost entry... evidentially did not save it all... so I'll be adding a bit to it.

I really don't know where to begin, what to say, how to explain how the last two days have been so far. I am incredibly uneasy, anxious, nervous - and a lot of other things - about my dad being here. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he really and truly is here to see me. Maybe I've just been programed to think that way and it's hard to override that; but at the same time, I don't want to let my guard down only to get my heart broken again. Right now, at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot take another heartache.

All my life I have longed to be a "daddy's girl" ... and all my life I have been let down. It's hard to explain exactly what goes through my mind and what I feel - because I don't really understand it myself. I miss someone that I've never had a relationship with... I love him so much and want him so much to be in my life when (in my mind) all he has done is pushed me away. However, over the last few months/years I have noticed a change. Slightly less sarcastic, and more willing to participate in any sort of conversation, and now this... after 26 years of nothing - a HUGE something. Any contact that we had - at all - was if I initiated it. If I saw him, it was because I called and invited myself over or practically begged for an invite. Now, after going on 9 years of being away from my home town, he decides he's going to come see me. And so far it is just to see me. I cannot comprehend that - it does not belong in my vocabulary. I'm still shocked, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Meanwhile - I told my mom he was coming, and you know what she says. Ugh! I can't stand that woman sometimes. First she said "Well, he's just coming to be nosy - he wants to see your house". (And something else crazy that I can't remember now) Then later, after she's had some time to think about a proper slam on him, sent me a text that said "funny how he's coming to see you now that you're skinny". Riiiight. My response was - that would be funny if I was, in fact, skinny. To which she replied, "well, you are well on your way". What is this woman's problem? Why does she continue to try and get between us and insure that there is no relationship? She drives me batty sometimes!

Not as bad as I thought...

2008-06-09T20:41:00.002-04:00

So... I'm back. From my very first therapy appointment. And, no surprise to me, her official response was "you've got a lot going on". haha.. well, I knew that lady!

Nah, I'm teasing. I actually like her - she makes me laugh. After everything I said she was raise her eyebrows and say okaaaay... soooo - and then she'd ask another question. I gotta give her props though - she's got the hang of all my baby mama drama with all my step/half siblings and who they belong to. Not an easy task, even to those who know them all.

I actually feel a little better. Could be that I have been sooooo nervous about this very day that just the sheer withdraw of fret has helped. The last thing she said, and I agree, is that I'm doing the right thing. I feel that more now than I did 2 hours ago.

So my "homework" this week.... I am to practice deep breathing when I do get chest pains (I already do when they get bad, I can't all the time b/c I'd be doing deep breathing all day and I'd get dizzy and pass out from all that), I can try to practice some mental imagery (that would be the "happy place" stuff -- I felt bad, but I laughed out loud on that one), and last but to journal - especially about my dad. She knows he's coming and just a smidgen of the background story there... so I am to take note and journal about the things that he says or does that makes me feel like he does not want anything to do with me, or why I would question his motives for being here and coming to see me.

Today was a meet and greet situation - she asked a bunch of questions, and I answered them. She understands that I do not want medication, and that I'm absolutely terrified. We have an appointment next week, and then we will go from there. *sigh* what a night.

So, I've tried to call Dana to update her after *ahem* informing her that she was "on call" tonight and her phone is not on. Told Hope to be expecting my call today - and she doesn't answer. Sis. C is expecting an update - and she doesn't answer. My sis tells me to call her to talk about it - and she doesn't answer.... Good LORD people!! I'm just teasing. =o) I really don't have time to re-hash it 12 hundred times anyway. I have a house to clean and a panic attack to have about my dad coming. And I'm supposed to call Dawn here in a little bit once she gets home for her update. So... I gotta go - sooo much to do!

Of ALL the times in my life...

2008-06-07T23:25:00.002-04:00

I don't even know where to begin with this one...

I get a phone call yesterday. Well, let me back up and say that I almost passed slap out when I had one missed call last night (at 10:30 mind you) and it was my Dad. So I listen to my voicemail and it just says to call. I'm thinking... who died? I mean... the last conversation we had was about Grandpa Alfter's funeral - and I had to call him on that one.

The beginning of the conversation went something like this:

"So, I figured, since we are never going to get an invite to your house; I would just call and invite myself". Excuse me WHAT?!

Apparently the story is... they are going to be in Metropolis (Southern Illinois) over the weekend to work on some rental property they have there. They should finish up about Monday or so and then head my way Tuesday and stay until Thursday. Now, Metropolis is about 5 hours from me.

Okay... now... first of all, this is the man that has not bothered to pick up the phone to so much as wish me a happy birthday in probably 10 years or more - let alone calling to chat. So the fact that he's calling is shocking enough. Second... this is also the man that could not drive across town to come to my high school graduation, and yet he wants to drive 5 hours out of his way to come stay with me for 2 days. AND... this is the man that refused to let me participate in the family Christmas present drawing of names thingy b/c whoever got my name would have to ship my present, and he is going to come visit when gas prices are as they are now. What is going on? Can we say PANIC ATTACK today? OOooooo and let's not forget the time I told him that the highway ran both ways when he told me I needed to come visit more and he said... "well, I would come down to Tennessee... but I don't really know anybody down there." ha!

What do you do with that?!? I have no clue ... what the crap am I going to do??

This is sooooo not the time to have to deal with this. Hope says this is my chance to go off on him. haha... home court advantage and all. Lynz is willing to come down just to stab him ... and do some interesting things with select body parts - but those will remain out of my blog to keep it at a PG level.

Why does he always do this to me? Just when I settle down and come to the realization that yes, he is gone, he's not coming back, he doesn't want anything to do with me ... he will pull something like this. I REFUSE to get my hopes up this time. I REFUSE to let him break my heart AGAIN!! And WHY in the 26 years of my life, does he pick the very point in which I choose to have a nervous breakdown to make the biggest step ever?

I can't handle this right now. I do not have the strength to deal with this. At least he gave me short notice and I only have 4 days to worry my guts out about it. And really... it would be just like him not to come. Ugh!! He's not even here and he's screwing with my head - how sick is that?!?

haha... I just keep thinking - that first "meet and greet" counseling session I've got scheduled for Monday night...lol - it's so gonna be "okay, for real ... I have this a-hole for a father... he's coming to see me tomorrow... lets just jump right in there". haha.

What am I gonna do?

This man is at the root of quite a few of the issues and quirks that I still have today. He is the cause of a lot of self esteem issues, abandonment issues, the fact that the male species terrifies me, trust issues ...shall I go on? HE is the reason. And he's coming to MY house.

I've got to go clean something ... oh Lord, I'm turning into my mother!!!!

I can't believe I did it....

2008-06-05T21:03:00.002-04:00

Well, before I get into all that (keep the suspense up and all), I've got to rant a bit.

First of all... apparently air conditioning and I are not meant to get along. I've been without A/C in my car for about 2 weeks now... maybe longer. Shannon is waiting on the proper gauge to figure out what is wrong. Already replaced one thing that was causing my engine to overheat and when that happens it automatically shuts down the a/c to try and cool down the engine. Well.. still not working and I'm still sweating to DEATH.

So then second... I walk into my house today after work (mind you - nine thousand degrees in my car) and walk into an 87 degree house. What the junk!! I'm sure that Sugar has roasted today. I'll be calling grammie here in a bit and go sleep at her house if I can't get it any cooler in here. It's miserable. It's not even that hot outside!!

Third and final rant of the day... today at work Vanisia went down to the gym and got one of those stability balls to sit on at her desk. Keep in mind now that several months ago our health and wellness staff sent around an email with suggestions to beat the sedentary lifestyle that we all have there for 8 hours a day and one of those was to sit on a stability ball to increase your core strength and all that. So... Paul Nichols (top-TOP dog) comes through and tells her that is not safe and if she were to fall the first 2 words from her would be workman's comp. When we explained about the health and wellness people, his response was "Well, I will fix that". He proceeded to say that they do not pay the workman's comp claims so he will definitely get that fixed. What a JERK!! No wonder we have an extremely high turn over rate.

Ugh!!

Okay, so back to me...

I found a place here in town that is a Christian Counseling Center. Now before I even go any further... you have to know that even thinking about what I'm about to write in here puts me in a panic, let alone actually going through with it. I've talked it over with a couple trusted friends and with my pastor's wife; and closed my eyes, jumped and made an appointment for Monday evening. I am scared out of my ever loving mind, but my feeling is I have got to do something.

I have let myself struggle with all of these pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts for entirely too long. I've made the first step in recognizing that I cannot do this on my own. Yes, I am fully aware that all things are possible with God -- but you've got to be able to let go even to God before He can help. And short of a miracle, that's not gonna happen without some assistance.

So... I'm gonna go and see. I'm not committing to anything, I firmly will tell them I do not want any medication - at all - and somehow we will all get through this.

yep, terrified!

Okay... it is still 87 degrees in my house and Sugar is about to bake. We are headed out to Grammies where you can hang meat in the living room, but it's better than here. More to come I'm sure...

my prayer

2008-06-04T18:15:00.002-04:00

This is an old song from the Livingstons that I absolutely LOVE! It is my prayer...

I need a place
Where I can hide away
Somewhere beyond here
As I kneel down to pray
Nowhere in this world
Can I find rest
Like right here in your presence
Why settle for anything less
So, Lord hear my cry
And hear my plea
This is my only request

Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me

You'll never find
Anywhere like his arms
And while you're there
He'll take your cares
And keep you safe from harm
Maybe it's been some time
Since you've had peace of mind
Well, heartaches and trials
They won't go, they seem to stay
Just remember where you are
Look beyond all those stars
He will hear you when you pray

Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me

Road Trip!!

2008-06-03T19:58:00.002-04:00

I totally played hookie today!! I have never in my life just blown off work for no reason, and I soooo did it today. Hope and I drove up to Indy last night and drove back today. She had an appointment with a specialist up there and I went with her, simply because I needed to get away. Even away from everything and presumably having a good time, my chest was KILLING me and last night was the first time that it has interfered with my sleeping. I couldn't breath, I couldn't get comfortable... and several times after I had fallen asleep I woke up gasping for air and sat straight up in bed. Okay ... this is not cool.

So then all morning I was having really bad pains, and I broke down and tried one of the anxiety pills that the Dr. prescribed. As Hope said... we will never know for sure if that is what the problem is unless you take one and see. And.... it helped. Haven't decided if I'm relieved, or more terrified. And I was good for about ... 8-9 hours or so and then it was like the bottom was dropped out of me. I could not breath, the pain was back, and I was completely wiped out - like it took effort to walk. What in the world is going on with me?! It is absolutely terrifying at this point.

I don't know what to do because I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what. Do I seek help outside of my pastor and his wife? Do I go to the hospital and say - seriously, can't breath, need some help? Do I go back to my regular Dr. and say dude ... meds aren't working but anxiety pills are dope me up please? Do I strap myself in for the ride of a lifetime? Or do succumb to the fact that this is my life?

I'm so confused... I'm so lost ... And at this point, I'm at a loss for words. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Alone, surrounded, helpless ... that's a start, but in no way shape or form scratching the surface.

I called my pastor's wife tonight to talk, and got more orders. ha... I am to call the doctor first thing in the morning and report back to her as soon as I do so. lol. Do I feel another casting out of some demons tomorrow?? hahaha... Bless him - I know he means well, it's just so embarrassing... and soooo private.

Well, I gotta fix grammie's hair - and now is about the time I would be getting to her house if I had worked today, so I should head that direction... more to come I'm sure...

sigh

2008-05-30T20:44:00.003-04:00

Today was rough. Well... to be honest, the last few days have been kinda rough. I really don't know how to describe it to you really. It's just been tough. Remember the distancing thing? Well, I feel myself pushing - no, more like shoving people away. I told Hope yesterday that I even have to force myself to call her - my best friend!! I don't know what to do.

I found an old journal that I've been reading though, and it's back from my IBC days. Most of it was just an account of the chorale tours from year to year; but again, I noticed the pattern back then as well as the journal from high school. What is my problem?

All through out this particular section of time I kept writing over and over that I just wish I could open up and talk to someone. I wish someone just would know and I wouldn't have to tell them. I wish someone would just wrap their arms around me and hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay. And here I sit, years later, dealing with the same emotions, feelings, insecurities, demons - whatever .... and I still cannot open my mouth. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?

The negative language that I've spoken to myself (and heard from others) all these years has been so ingrained into my very being that I can believe nothing less. It makes no sense to me that I can know it with my brain, believe it with my heart and yet still feel like it doesn't exist. Fused with corn yet?

I know that I have dear friends who would listen if I called to talk. I know there are people who care about me and my well being. I know that there are people out there who love me. I know that God loves me. I know that I am worth something. I know that I am not alone. I know that God is there every step of the way with me. I KNOW all this. I BELIEVE all this. But somewhere along the way, I've told myself that it's not really true. I don't feel loved, I don't feel that anyone would take the time to listen, that anyone would care. I feel worthless, hopeless, alone and completely broken. And worst of all, the thing that scares me the most that I finally admitted out loud... I don't feel like God loves me.

Now that's a messed up place to be! And it pains me to even type that, to admit it, to share it - but there it is. Probably the root of my problems right there. Now how do I fix it?

I don't know how to love or to be loved. I try - but I always just feel awkward. I feel like, one false move and that person will bolt. If I say one wrong thing - they are gone. If I cannot fulfill one favor - I'm no longer worth their time. That's why I continue to drop my plans, change my plans, bend over backward to help a friend and never ask for anything in return. It's hard to ask for help - really hard. And I know it is for everyone, but for me - I feel like I'm being a bother, and inconvenience, and an annoyance. I feel like, even though I've had times where I poured my heart out to friends, that in the end they really didn't care and was only sitting there listening to be nice.

So where do I go from here? Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? And when your brain is so messed up that you begin to doubt that God is the answer to those questions... what's a girl to do?

So there it is ... I feel I have completely exposed myself. Well, not completely - there is sooo much more rattling around in this brain of mine. But that is my feeling at the moment. Picture this grown woman who is strong and has it all together, but in reality it's just a shell that is shielding, protecting, but imprisoning a scared little 5 year old girl who is curled up on the floor weeping.... that is what I feel like.

God - I need your help....

My Memorial Day...

2008-05-27T07:52:00.002-04:00

I definitely took the advice of a friend yesterday and did absolutely NOTHING on my day off. This weekend was exhausting catering two weddings back to back. The short version?... Friday after work I went straight to Hope's office and we prepped until 11:30 or so. Then up at 6:30 on Saturday and did not get back home until about Midnight. Then Sunday, I was able to go to church in the morning but then straight back to the office and did not get back home again until about 11:30 Sunday night. So... from Fri afternoon until Midnight Sunday we put in about 30 hours. That's tiring just thinking about it.

My Monday went like this - I did wake up around 10am, I got up checked my email, took sugar out... then I went back to bed and slept until about 3:30. Oh, that felt soooo good. Then I went back to bed last night at about 11:30 or so and just now getting up today. I did not leave my house, I did not get out of my pj's, I did not even speak to anyone -- that's nice. Just a do nothing ME day.

I'm gonna try to hit the gym even though every muscle in my body still aches from this weekend. I had attempted to get up earlier so I could go to the bookstore first, but that is not happening. So... I'll either go after the gym or go ahead and have breakfast with Lori and Sandy after the gym and then get to the bookstore after work. We'll see.

So, that was my Memorial Day weekend - besides the details of another marathon conversation with Dana, which will remain out of my blog. =o) Thanks girl! I'm sooo grateful to have a friend like you. Even if you are too far away. *grin*

Well, I've got to get moving and muster up the strength to make it through another week in Hades of collections... ha! Hopefully Matt will still be out and we will have another week of peace and quiet. Vanisia will be back from vacation today so that should make it at least more fun. Ok... gotta go.

Pretty neat...

2008-05-26T11:16:00.002-04:00

I found this on a friend's MySpace page and it's so true:

We were given two hands to hold
Two legs to walk
Two eyes to see
Two ears to listed
But why only one heart?
Because the other one was given to someone for us to find

How cool is that?!

Today's "Thought for the Day"

2008-05-26T10:25:00.004-04:00

Destiny is no matter of chance.

It is a matter of choice.

It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

-William Jennings Bryan

I agree.

I hear things like "He's destined for great things" ... or "She's destined for failure" and so on. And really, it's a choice. Someone may come from a background that is less than healthy to be raised in and around, and the popular thought is that they will not make anything of their lives. Some would say that history is bound to repeat itself, and this person's destiny is fixed. But CHOICES are the key - they can choose to climb out of those circumstances and fight to change that "destiny".

Same thing goes for a destiny of greatness. Choices can be made that will destroy those expectations of grandure, and soon you see the effects of those choices.

This is kind of what I feel I am fighting for -- to change my destiny. Making choices now that will effect my future. We all have that - the ability to change our destiny. So where do you want your life to go? How do you want spend the rest of your life? Make choices today so that you can get there tomorrow.

Interesting thought...

2008-05-22T21:13:00.003-04:00

So... I picked up a book that I've been about half way through for a long time today called "Restoring Broken Things". One of the co-authors is Steven Curtis Chapman ... the news of his daughter being killed in that accident made me think of that book again. It's been so long since I've read any of it I could not even give you an accurate summary of the book at all, but one of the chapters I read today was very interesting.

The other writer ... somebody Scott, was holding a seminar and one of the assignments of that morning was to write and tell about the most powerful worship service they had experienced in the last year. All of the attendees came from different religious backgrounds, so they were all telling of different church services they had been in and he put in the book 3 of the different testimonies of the evening.

Then he was asked to tell his most powerful worship service, and he responded by telling of his journey to Africa and meeting the people there. He told of the first night where they had a small "congregation" in a mud hut where he witnessed hungry people singing praises to God and then he preached and it was moving and was a great service of worship. However, he said his most powerful worship service was the following day in a different village when they went to distribute food. He told of how his church had donated enough food for the entire village to be spared from starvation for 6 months. He said they spent 8-9 hours loading up pack mules for different families, and that he had never truly known the depths of starvation and malnutrition until that day.

Of course, people started asking where the singing and preaching was to be a worship service, and he told them how they did the assignment incorrectly. He wanted them to recognize that when he talked of the first night it was "a service of worship", meaning they gathered to worship God. The second day was "a worship service", in which they were worshiping through service.

He talked about how our lives were meant to always worship Him, and that we should live our lives this way. Our actions, our thoughts, our lives should be a worship service to God.

I've never really thought of it that way. I mean, of course, I pray all the time that my life be pleasing to Him and that my life would praise Him. But I never really thought of it as every act of kindness, ever tender moment spent sensitive to those lost and dying around me, every word of encouragement, every listening ear, every shoulder to cry on ... those moments are a "worship service" to God.

So.. just a little thought I wanted to share. Kinda opened my eyes a little today.

Dr. Appointment

2008-05-22T08:21:00.003-04:00

So, I had follow up appointment this week and Dr Green changed my meds. So instead of something to control the acid in my stomach, he is trying an anti-inflammatory. Of course he expected me to take the anxiety pills, but I had not. However, yesterday was the first day of the switch, and my chest hurt more than usual. So... maybe it is something physically wrong. I don't know which I would rather it be. Possible surgery again ... or just crazy. ha!

I do have an appointment set up with my GI specialist Dr. Cline, but he is so booked up that I could not get in until June 24th. I'm dreading that because I KNOW that he will want to set up another colonoscopy. I think 2 in my young 26 years is plenty for now... ugh!

I also feel the need to explain (to my vast reading audience) that I'm not this mega-depressed, gonna slit my wrists kind of person. I don't want to come across that way -- and maybe it's just my mind working in overdrive as usual to think that this blog sounds this way. But this is my escape and my way of ranting where nobody can see or hear. None of my family know about my recent doctor visits ('cept my sister who now is a faithful reader *waves* HI SISTER!!), and only a select few friends.

My problem is a lifetime of unresolved issues, displaced emotions, pent up feelings and I've finally decided to do something about it.

So ... having said that -- I'm off to the gym to burn a little steam off (and hopefully a few pounds). I'm already hurting this morning and it's only 8:30. We'll see how the day goes ...

Another day...

2008-05-18T15:11:00.002-04:00

I've noticed a distancing of myself lately. Not in any particular thing, but in general. People at work are beginning to comment about the change in my mood lately. So I have to ask myself... has it gotten that bad?... Or am I just tired of pretending? I don't know, but I fear that I am in for the fight of my life. No... I KNOW that I am. I just have to take care of this now, because I know that not too far down the road I will not be able to.

Do you know how insane it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone? Like there is not one solitary human being on the planet that understand or who cares for that matter. I know that is not true. I know that I have friend, family and a church who cares for me - but that does not change the feelings.

I am terrified of what lies ahead. It's a can of worms that I have held closed for so long, and now I not only opened it, but threw away the lid. There's no going back now. I cannot continue to suffer quietly and pretend that everything is okay. I have done what I thought I could never do - and that is ask for help. I went against every fiber of my being screaming to keep my mouth shut, and reached out to a select group of people. All on an individual basis, each knowing part but not the whole ... but it's there - they know - and I can't take that back. I have forever changed their opinions of me. That absolutely terrifies me.

I can feel myself pulling back and pushing away, and I'm torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay and fight through those emotions. *sigh* It's just so overwhelming at times. I was honest for the first time today when Hope asked me if I was alright ... I said no. *gasp* shocker!

I looked up depression today on the internet. Here are the symptoms:

I'm often restless and irritable.
I don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore.
I'm having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness.
I have nagging aches and pains that don't get better, no matter what I do.

My sleep patterns are irregular:
I'm sleeping too much.
I'm not sleeping enough.

I often have:
Digestive problems
Headaches or backaches
Vague aches and pains (eg, joint or muscle pains)
Chest pains
Dizziness

I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions.
People have commented on my mood or attitude lately.
My weight has changed considerably.
I feel that my functioning in everyday life (work and my interactions with family and friends) is suffering because of these problems.
I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks.
I have a family history of depression.
I've thought about suicide.

Guess how many I checked.... 13. THIRTEEN!! That's 13 out of 19 in case you were wondering.

I think I'm making Danielle mad. I haven't been to play tennis with them in probably 2 weeks now. I just don't have the strength to deal with dramatic people, and I don't have the energy or the willingness to fake it. It's better I just don't go, that way I can't say anything that I'll regret later. ha!

Bro. C is out of town preaching a 20 year anniversary service ... so there has been no laying on of hands today. I think I would have broken out in hives - ha. I've been trying the drugs the doctor gave me for the acid in the stomach ... I can't say that I notice any difference. Well, I can't say that. I have noticed that the pain is not as constant now, but you must take in to account that one HUGE stressor in my life has left (temporarily). Matt, the constant negative one at work, has been granted short term disability and FMLA to go and get some mental help. They finally moved me from directly in front of him earlier this week, and now he's out for 2 weeks. I have noticed a difference there. Vanisia moved in front of him and made the comment that she'd been sitting there for 2 days and already about to have nervous breakdown. I said "thank you ... thank you very much ... " So... it's either Matt or the meds, but there has been an easing of pain. However, before it was just a constant pressure... now it seems they will intensify for a short period of time. Hmm...

I started reading this book that I've had ever since IBC, but never had the guts to read it. It's called "Lord, Why am I Crying" by Lynda Allison Doty, PHD. In it she paraphrases another book by Dr. Timothy Foster called "Called to Counsel" where he used an interesting analogy for Depressed people that their root is Distorted Feelings.

"He talked about an emotion being sent from the production line to the packaging and labeling department, where it is given a name ("I feel hurt...") and an address (" ... at Jane"). He went on to say that at the factory, a new emotion is produced every ten minutes. What would happen if the shipping and delivery department went on strike, but the emotions plant continued to produce emotions? Soon the storeroom would be full, and you would have to start piling boxes inside the factory. The boxes would start to clog the assembly line, and eventually the whole system would shut down. What I have just described is the general cause of most depression. As the system gets clogged, a person can not longer feel emotions. A depressed person is apathetic. "I just don't care about things anymore. It's like part of me is dead". What do we do with emotions to short-circuit them so they do not pile up and begin to control our lives? We must learn to deliver them, get them out of the factory and to the proper address so the factory does not end up closed down."

I feel like I am standing in the midst of a shut down emotion factory, with piles and piles of boxes. I pick one up ... shake it a little ... barely pull it open to peek in - then slam it shut and chuck it across the room wondering how in the world am I gonna get my factory back up and running with 26 years worth of boxed up emotions standing in the way.

That's where I am today. Scared. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. Trying to wrap my brain around that scary word "depression". Seeing the massive amount of work to be done, yet lacking the strength and ability to get those boxes shipped out. So I solicit your prayers today... and in the future. I can't do this on my own, I realize that now.

Update...

2008-05-15T00:27:00.002-04:00

I had my doctor's appointment today. Like anything else in my life, the Dr. Green said that my symptoms were rather unusual. ha! I explained to him that my chest pain is pretty much a constant pressure -- it does not increase or decrease. However, it does not bother me at night like waking me up during the night or causing me not to be able to go to sleep or get comfy ... and when I work out the pain is completely gone. Then after cooling down it slowly comes back.

We did an EKG to be safe, and no irregular heart beats or anything like that, which he and I both didn't think it was heart related; but I just wanted to be positive with heart problems in my family. Grammie's had 2 open heart surgeries and stints put in arteries in her heart and neck... mom's had a stint put in her heart and my Uncle Shorty had 4 put in (mom's brother). So... I don't want to mess around with my heart - I pretty much know it's coming unless I do something about it now. Which... I'm way proud to tell you about my blood work done today for the body age assessment there at work. ALL of my #s were fantastic. In fact, the woman who gave me my results was even shocked. Everything they had listed (hdl, ldl, glucose...whatever) was either well below or well above what was considered healthy... whichever they were supposed to be.

Anyhow, he told me that the #2 cause for chest pain is gastrointestinal issues, and since I have chrones, that is a likely culprit. Next choice would be stress and anxiety. So... he has scheduled me for blood work tomorrow, will be setting up an appointment with my GI doctor for the 12 month follow up visit from my surgery that I should have had a year ago (yes, I know, shame on me), he prescribed me something that is to control the acids in my stomach in case it is gastrointestinal to see if that helps. He also wrote a prescription for something for anxiety to have "just in case" he said. I won't take them though ... I would not have even filled the prescription except he wrote both meds on one Rx note. Grrr. I also have a follow up visit on Tuesday of next week to see if the meds have helped any.

So... that's where I'm at at this point. No answers, just more questions. Finally sat down with Hope and talked to her tonight.... and I do mean FOR REAL talked. She went through something similar when she was younger. She had lost her big brother and both sets of grandparents within a very short period of time and had a spell of nightmares and anxiety attacks. Then later after she had miscarriage went into the whole chest pains and panic attacks. She refused to take meds as well, and she made it out the other side.

Well, there's my quick update. I'm sooo tired, it's almost 1am, and I need to get up at 5:30 to get to the gym. I gotta hit the bed...

I'm out..........

I just THOUGHT I was embarrassed!

2008-05-11T23:34:00.002-04:00

Yeah... so there was that thing this morning right. Well, that was small fries compared to what Bro. C did to me tonight. OMG I'm soooo embarrassed! No, I'm grateful and thankful and really do need it, but still as embarrassing as all get out!!

So tonight, the choir is singing and Bro. C walks over in the middle of the song and lays hands on me and begins to pray extremely loud . How loud? Keep in mind, all the musicians, all 120 voices in the choir (and we are LOUD)... and Jeanna over in the soprano section heard him praying tonight. He goes to rebuking things and I could have DIED! *sigh*

Ok, a little clarification here... I love that he cares enough for me that upon hearing my current mental state he feels impressed to pray (very loudly) for me. However, as I said before, this is not an all of a sudden thing that I'm dealing with here. I'm not saying God cannot completely and totally heal me right now - I don't doubt that. Wasn't it Bro. C himself that said the other day (of course talking about backslidders coming back to God expecting Him to deliver years worth of mistakes in an instant) that we should be willing to give God the same amount of time we gave the devil? I believe one touch of the Master's hand would do it, but out of my stubbornness and pridefulness of not getting that touch way back when ... I just don't think it's gonna happen that way. And maybe because I think that, it won't. Who knows. Point is, it's been a very personal, very quiet, very nobody-knows-about-it battle for me for all these years; and now there will be questions that I'm not prepared to answer. Just tonight Lori was asking why he was praying for me and is there something they should know and blah blah blah. Ugh! And you can't tell me that my nosy family didn't notice either. God... what am I gonna do?!

Ha! 26 years of solitude dealing with this on my own, and one baby step of a 30 minute conversation and I'm thrown into all this...

So... Sandy is laughing hysterically at me b/c she did not notice this morning or tonight and said that nobody else is going to either. Riiiight. So I called her when we left the restaurant and told her what's going on. She didn't believe me at first and told me that I had a perfect life. ha! Then said that everyone has their issues and that I'm more normal than I think I am. I still disagree, but whatever. She said that you would never know it because I am always fine and happy and have a lot of love to give... whatever that is supposed to mean. And it's true, I suppose. I have spent a lot of time perfecting the "everything's fine" persona. It's like I told her, something has to change.

I've also come to the conclusion that Hope just does not have a clue. She does not know that there is anything out of the ordinary happening with me, because I haven't told her. So I sent a Mother's Day card to her through Shannon (hubby) and she text me (surprise surprise) to tell me thank you. So I just told her that we had some catching up to do and was waiting on that dinner. So... she said Wednesday. Let's not hold our breath - a kid might get sick or something.

I've gotta get in bed... I've got to be up in less than 5 hours. Tomorrow is a turning point for me. I am determined to get my life organized, on a routine, and devote more time to prayer and reading God's Word. I have got to learn to completely trust Him before I can even begin to try and trust another human being. So tomorrow... it begins... well, I guess I should say later on today. ha!

Embarrassment

2008-05-11T15:35:00.001-04:00

So... embarrassment for the day -- Lunch with Sis. C yesterday... today, DURING PRAISE AND WORSHIP, Bro. C walks over and grabs my hand and starts praying for me. *sigh* Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for his prayers... and I pretty much figured that Sis would be telling Bro about our conversation... however, this is a very private thing for me - and he prays loud. It is a life long struggle for me that nobody knows about. Not Grammie, who I tell everything; not my best friend, because I can't get her to sit still long enough... It took a lot to actually sit and talk to Sis. C about it... ugh - I was sooo embarrassed. Luckily I was so cute today that people were just commenting about my cute dress and how skinny I'm getting (LOVE LOVE LOVE those comments) to ask what is going on. Cuz you know Pentecostal people are some nosey people. And my family is chief among them - Mmmkay?

Old Journals...

2008-05-11T15:07:00.003-04:00

I went digging yesterday and found some really old journals. REALLY old, like 1994 old. Let's see... I would have been 13, and one particular journal was one that I kept for a creative writing class at school. I was reading some of the entries, and it just made me realize just how long I've been fighting the battle in my mind. I'm 26 now, so for at least 13 years of my life I have been dealing with these same issues. How sad. It convicted me to my core, and I just prayed for God's forgiveness. Who knows where my life could be right now, what great and awesome things I could be doing for His kingdom had I not taken care of this back then. It makes my brain hurt to even think about it.

Do you ever have those moments where you wonder what life would have been like had this or that taken place? I wonder all the time what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed together, or if they never walked away from God... so how would life be different today had I realized at the age of 13 (and maybe younger, that's just as far back as my journals go and you KNOW I don't remember) that I had a problem and needed to seek help for it. wow. And how much simpler would it have been back then. Not as many years of ingrained behavior and learned coping mechanisms to break. Would have definitely been easier at that age to learn to trust rather than now.

What is cute about the journals I found, was the first one i opened up and started reading last night was where I was counting down the days until I got to come visit down here. I was such a dork even back then, it's hilarious to see it. Apparently this particular trip, in order to be allowed to go I had to pay my own way. So at 13 or 14, I had saved enough money to buy a plane ticket and get myself to Tennessee and I spent Spring Break here. I had made friends with Shay the last time I was down... well, as much friends as a 13 year old and a grown woman with kids could and I had talked about how much I missed her and loved her. Then I was talking about how mom would yell at me and tell me that I couldn't possibly love her and miss her since I'd only just met her and all this junk. Oh and the groundings ... just in the few months worth of journal that I read, several times had it mentioned that I could not go to church because of the house not being clean, or I had a bad grade, or mom just refused for me to go. Makes me cry for that little girl. Back then, there were no tears - just a determination. I was determined not to let her get to me, I held it all in... and now 13 years later, I weep for her.

I made it .. ha

2008-05-10T17:23:00.002-04:00

So I've made it safely through the meeting. haha. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was - even to the point of tears right before I got there, but it actually went better than expected. It always does, I work myself up to thinking things like... oh, i don't know -- she's gonna run out the door screaming "she's a mad woman - crazy - everybody run!!" ha - not that that would ever happen, but these are the strange goings on of my mind.

I didn't know what to say or where to start, and I've been fretting over this for 2 weeks now. Not counting the amount of time it took me to gather my nerve just to ask her to meet with me. I'm such a dork ya know that? So I just asked her what her feelings were about getting therapy. And what she said surprised me. I was waiting for the - you must be a sinner, fallen from God's grace, backslidding, on your way to hell - speech. Okay, so maybe not that bad; but that is what I was expecting. She said she feels that you should address things spiritually first, make sure you are praying, reading your Bible, getting in the prayer line, and fully relying on God.... standard answers. However, then she said, but if you feel you have exhausted those means, then maybe you should see a therapist.

Of course, we didn't go into details - I don't do details. I just told her what has been going on lately. I told her about the pattern I've noticed in my own life, about bottling things up until I have a mini break down and go on. I told her how they are getting more severe and closer together and the whole chest pains thing is new. And the more we talked and the more she realized this was not just an all of a sudden thing, but a since I was born type thing... it's almost like she was encouraging me to seek therapy. Of course she's not gonna come out and say it. She said she would give me a week to make a Dr. appointment to get the chest pains checked out to make certain it's not a medical condition and then they can make a suggestion or recommendation of who to see. She suggested Dr. Shalaby (since I don't have a primary care physician) ... Vanisia at work sees Dr. Cobb and likes her very well ... I talked to Dawn today and she sees Dr. Green and says he's very good. So... I'm gonna do some calling around Monday and see if I can't possibly get in on Wednesday which is my half day.

I really don't want to jump into anything just yet. I do want to spend more focused time in prayer though. I know that I don't make enough time for prayer, and I'm sure that's part of the problem. I need to find a prayer partner is what I need to do - extra accountability.

I did tell her that I think mental health issues tend to run in my family. My mom really went a little nuts there for a while. I'm not talking your typical teenager saying my mom is crazy -- I really think she needed some sort of help. And I've painfully watched my sister and some of my cousins battle mental heath problems. I told her that I don't remember most of my childhood, and even that there are things that my sister has told me that I just do not remember. She said that sometimes it's best to close that chapter in your life and move on, and others you may have more difficult problems (i.e. chest pains) by closing a chapter that has not been properly dealt with. I told her there are some issues in my life that will never go away.

This junk with my Dad ... that will never go away. He will always be an issue and a sore spot with me. She said that she used to be like that, but that she does not NEED him b/c Bro. C has filled that for her. She said that she struggled a lot with being scared and could not be left alone, and that she had issues with self esteem and things like that. She said that her husband filled the places left vacant by her dad not being around and became her strength - through that and God she is the extroverted person that she is today. However, I am not to that place yet. I still feel like I need him, I still miss him terribly, and I still feel like a scared little girl running to mommy and daddy... but they are not there. And he has an incredible knack for sending an email at just the right time to keep me hoping and wishing. And yes, I said an email... no phone calls, no visits, just a one sentence email. Got one yesterday as a matter of fact. Have not heard from him since Grandpa Alfter's funeral, and I get an email. The entirety of it is this:

Jennifer,

Amber says you're not coming to her wedding. Say it ain't so!!!!

Dad

Which, by the way, I actually GOT an invitation to Amber's wedding - this would be my sister - unlike my brother's wedding which I knew nothing about until after the fact. I would love to go, but it's the Friday night before Memorial Day ... and we have a wedding on Saturday and Sunday that weekend. I just can't do it ... unless he wants to spring for a ticket there Fri morning and back Fri after the ceremony. Other than that ... I just can't.

Anyway, the point is... well heck, I don't know what the point is. I'm no more clear than when I started this morning, but at least I don't feel like I'll be condemned to hell for having mental problems, and I feel somehow lighter now that she knows. Don't get too excited, not that much lighter. Speaking of which... the pain is not as great today. I'm thinking that work has a lot to do with it. I think the stress of where I am at there, since I can't stand my boss, and the constant negativity I hear for 8 hours straight coming from Matt ... I think it takes a toll on me. Collections is a stressful job to begin with, when you add on top of that a boss you do not like and co workers that are "Negative Nancies" ... plus all the other junk I have on a daily basis - it's tough sometimes.

I am about to pass out... so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. yeah...right. But I'll try. Asta...

D-day

2008-05-10T11:17:00.002-04:00

Today's the day. Well, maybe - ha. I just called Sis. Carpenter and Bro. C answered. Apparently she's been out all morning and left her phone at home. So... I guess we'll wait to hear from her. I still have no idea what to say or where to start. I'll let you know how it goes though. I'm so nervous I can't hardly stand it!! I'm terrified and anxious and can't hardly breath. Why to I let myself get so worked up? Oh yeah, and don't forget the over active digestive system today either. ha! [update -- just got a call from her, meeting at 1:45 at Toppers... OMG my innerds are quivering]

So to clear my head a bit, let me tell you what happened yesterday. UGH!! I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. 3 days a week I get up for body pump at 6am, then at work sometimes on my lunch break I'll go to our gym and do cardio, and just about every day they have a 15 minute abs class that I've been going to. Well.... yesterday was Andy's turn to teach the class. Ok, this is the same guy that did my body age assessment and witnessed the fact that I did 60 situps and on minute. Pretty darn good for a fat girl I must say - I was proud, and he was shocked. So anyway, I digress (as Hope would say), I keep up pretty good in the class, but my poor friend Meggan... just can't. She can't get in the right positions, doesn't do them properly, and the ones she can, she just gives up half way through. Two or three times he had to come over and help her and show her how to do something or a different way to do it. Anyway, so at the end of the class he comes up to the both of us ... yes BOTH of us and lets us know that there are beginner classes available that he thinks we may benefit more from.

At first I'm thinking... okay, he's just trying to let Meggan know, dude you suck might wanna practice first. But the more I thought about it, the angrier it made me. Everything he said was to the both of us. What are both of your schedules... I think you both may benefit more from beginners ... just throwing it out there for you guys. Yeah, that last comment was when I completely ignored him. What I wanted to say was ... okay look - I know that your skinny tail cannot comprehend this, but it's a little more difficult getting my body off the ground that it is yours. I've got a good hundred pounds on every one else in that room and the fact that I come every day and ignore their stares and still do the freakin workout should say something about my determination. AND keep in mind darling that I have been up since 5:30 this morning working every muscle in my body and doing anything at this point other than walking is making them shake. Oh i was mad!! He better not say a word to me again ... I'll let him have it. I've got my speech prepared as you can see. =o)

Yeah - so I've been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes now (just got that phone call) why do I get so worked up? She's just another human being - I'm just another church member going through something and needs to talk about it and get advice. Old hat for her. Scared poopless for me. ha - my Aunt Shelia always says that.

I think it's because once I do open my mouth, once I start that ball rolling - I can't undo it. Whatever her opinion of me is, today it will forever be changed. I guess I'm still hung up on the whole - God's children aren't depressed thing. It absolutely terrifies me. I know that I am a child of God, but I also know that I have a very real problem. And what makes in more frustrating is I cannot point to one, or even several things and say this is why I feel this way. I just know that walking through each day feeling completely alone, depressed, not wanting to do anything but sleep, having chest pains, itching to get home to an empty house for quiet and rest and then post-poning that as long as possible because it is empty and lonesome.... it's got to stop.

All I can do today is keep saying "God, I need strength today". Dana basically told me that it takes a strong person to make it this far... but even stronger to ask for help. That's where I'm at today. I am proud of myself (sorta) for making it this far. I've accomplished much with my short 26 years, but I'm standing at a crossroads where I know if I don't turn left and do something about this now -- it's gonna get worse, and I'm going to crash and burn.

On the other hand, I've got 26 years of history telling me that my system works. Just keep walking and you'll make it. It's rough at times, but you'll get through it and move on. I feel like... like God has a greater purpose for my life. That there is something he has planned for me to do. I have NO CLUE what that may be, but I feel like it's off in the distance just out of sight. I can see that there is something there... but not clearly. Know what I mean? But I feel like I cannot get from here to there without fixing this. And I don't know how to fix it.

I feel like I'm rambling and jumping from subject to subject. I've got to calm down. Gonna go finish getting ready now so I can twiddle my thumbs and wait another hour to leave. haha. I'll be sure to update later... asta

Today

2008-05-08T23:22:00.003-04:00

Today was rough.

Since I had planned to meet with my pastor's wife today for breakfast, I had gone to the bookstore yesterday before church to get all my typical Thursday stuff done. Catch up on the daily things and run payroll and print out checks for various other things. So, I allowed myself to sleep in. Well, I didn't even move until 9am. I just didn't want to get out bed even then. It's awful - I hate this feeling. It's like ... nothing matters. Don't want to work, don't want to see people, talk to people ... don't want to do anything that does not involve my bed or my couch. But of course, I go to work... the minute I walk in the door- chest pains. ugh! Alllll day today, just this constant pressure. A couple of times I had to get up from my desk and walk around because I felt panicy. Is that even a word?

Wanna know what's funny? Meggan, one of my coworkers, left for lunch with Vanisia and Heather ... definitely was taken to the hospital because she had a panic attack at the restaurant. By the time they got her to the ER, she was white, her lips were blue, eyes rolling in the back of her head ... Point is - was not the right moment for one of my own. haha.

So I get online tonight and my sister happens to be on. Just seeing her online brings tears to my eyes. And one phrase sets me off "so it's gotten that bad huh?". Bawling, like a baby. It's frustrating to begin with the situation alone. But all my life I've had to be strong for my sister. At least that is the way I felt. I could tell her, without "telling" her, that we can make it - watch me, follow me... So how can I break down? That has been my mentality - among other things. So now, I sit here, bawling, to a sister that I am supposed to be strong for... and ironically - she's already been down this road and is now being strong for me. *sigh* I admire her courage. She recognized long ago that she needed help, and with guts and a whole lot of strength she went out and got the help she needed. She did not care what people thought, or what people were talking about, or even what mom was telling her. Oh GOD, if my mom found out I was even CONSIDERING seeing a shrink ... oh my lord, she can't know. She was the perfect mother now, her kids could not possibly be anything less then well rounded individuals who appreciate such a perfect upbringing.

Well, I have definitely run out of steam ... have no idea where my thought process was going and I have to be up in 4 hours if I am going to BP tomorrow. So I'm out ...

The friendship prayer...

2008-05-08T23:17:00.003-04:00

I've read this before, but my cousin Stacey posted this on my MySpace page today...

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... Amen."

Hee hee... So funny.

Friendship

2008-05-08T09:45:00.002-04:00

So I'm a little fused with corn (confused.. corn fused ... fused with corn -- for all of those who had no clue). Maybe it's all in my head - ha - like most things; but I can't help but get aggravated over a certain friendship that I have.

I feel like.... like it's a one sided relationship. I feel like I'm expected to drop everything to cater to her needs, and yet when I need her - she's got other stuff to do. I've been going through this ... this ... well, whatever this is for a while now. Visibly struggling for something. People I never talk to and hardly know are asking me what is going on - but not my best friend. What the junk? I left her a message Tuesday night. I had had a particularly AWFUL day and rather than my usual, hey call me messages I said "I have had the day from hades and you always have funny stories so ... call and cheer me up." Do you know when I heard from her... this morning - THURSDAY in a text message telling me we have a wedding booked for October 4th.

Is that being over sensitive? I'm I expecting too much from one human being? I mean ... I am her emergency contact on all of her medical forms for goodness sake, but she can't be bothered to give me a call when I just need a funny Preston story? I don't know.... Just makes me feel alone. ha - more alone that usual. And I know that's not true, I know there are people out there who do care about me and would listen if I called... (wink) ... but that's just how I feel.

haha.. this is turning out to be one depressing blog there now isn't it. I think I'll dig through my closet and see if I can't find some older things that I have written and post them in here. Not today though. I've gotta get to work. I've camped out in my room until Dani left. She texted me tuesday and said "so, how bout i spend the night tomorrow" ... ooookay, what do you say. So she crashed on the couch and I hid out in my room until I heard her leave. lol.

Okay .. I gotta get ready. UGH... I DREAD today. I cannot take Matt any longer sitting in front of me. I swear he is the most negative person on the face of the planet. That's all I hear for 8 hours is how he hates his job, hates his customers, hates himself.... and no matter of trying to tell him different will help. I've stopped trying. So ignore him for your own piece of mind?.... yeah, then he gets mad because you are ignoring him. Aight ... here i go ... off to the working world.......

Another anxious three days...

2008-05-08T00:08:00.002-04:00

So... Our penciled in breakfast date for tomorrow got post-poned until Saturday lunch. ahh... that's another 3 days to worry!! What am I gonna do? At this point, I think that I'm just gonna feel her out on her thoughts about counseling and therapy and go from there. I am absolutely terrified. I'm torn between telling myself 'you've got to open up your mouth' and 'you are crazy, keep it shut'. What's a girl to do?

I was talking to a friend last night on the internet IM'ing back and forth. We've not really talked much in 3 years, but got into some pretty heavy conversation last night. Even in the comfort of my own room, alone, and only typing with no risk of anyone seeing me or even hearing me... just words on a screen -- I cannot bring myself to talk about myself or what's going on with me to a person I once considered my best friend. What is the deal with me? It's so frustrating. I wish I could just snap my fingers and someone could just be in my head for a few minutes and completely understand without having to try to form words.

I tell you one thing though ... these chest pains have got to stop. Even now, after midnight and about to fall out of my chair asleep... there is still that constant pressure. Imagine if someone had their hand on your chest and just kept pushing. I was getting a little panic-y tonight in praise team too. Maybe I just need to surrender to it all and loose my tiny little mind one good time and get it over with. ha! That's what I feel like doing sometimes.

Here's my struggle, and I have managed to make myself talk to Dana and Dawn about this surprisingly -- there is this part of me that is screaming out for help. I'm beginning to think that I need to seek professional assistance in dealing with some of the stuff going on in my head. Then there is another part that is saying - you are a child of God, you shouldn't be feeling this way. You are a christian, you shouldn't be depressed. You have the Holy Ghost, all you have to do is pray.

I am fully aware of my spiritual health, and granted I admit that I am not in the place that I should be. But can any of us truly say that? I know that I need to dedicate myself to growing in God and praying more and fasting more and reading the Bible more. I know that. Maybe I just need to have more faith, but at this time in my life - I do not see how prayer alone will help. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that prayer is my most vital tool and weapon against the enemy. I know it is the most untapped resource in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is (and out loud -sorta- for the first time), somewhere I need to find the courage to even trust God with every part of me. I feel like I hide so much and am ashamed of thoughts and feelings and background and family and so on.... that somewhere I've lost myself. Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror. I sure don't recognize her.

I'm trying to transform myself. I'm trying to take food away as a comfort and take pride in the way I look. Not just in my clothes, cuz you know I always gotta look cute! In my health and well being. My Grandma was in her late 40's when she had her first open heart surgery. Mom was in her 40's when they went in to put stints in her arteries. that gives me less than 20 years to make sure I don't follow in that path. So I'm putting forth the effort and busting my tail at 6am three days a week to do body pump, and trying to eat better, and loose the weight. But all this stress and anxiety and pent up emotion is going to kill me. I have got to get it out of me. I just pray that I can find the courage to trust someone enough.

Well, my eyes are starting to cross involuntarily... I guess it's time for bed - ha! More to come I'm sure..............

Five Whole Days!!!

2008-05-04T23:20:00.002-04:00

Oh.... Em.... Gee - it's been five whole days since I've blogged. What am I gonna do with myself. ha... Okay, so for updates:

I've heard back from one of the positions that I applied for. It was the one for insides sales. Basically they really liked my personality, I interviewed well, and I was the one that seemed "most real" out of all the applicants; but when it came down to it, they wanted someone with mortgage experience. I suppose COLLECTING on delinquent mortgages is not experience enough. However, they did request that I job shadow some more and feel out the other departments of Direct Lending and keep an eye out for other positions available.

Haven't heard from the other one yet, but I'm banking on the fact that I won't get that one either. I did interview with Sharon Kennedy - she is the head hancho of Human Resources. She was conducting the first meet and greet interview for the supervisor over the position. It would be the Office Manager of a Sales Center. One position in Lenoir City (I think it's about 20 miles or so from me) and one in Nashville (3 1/2 hours from me). Definitely thinking Lenoir City - ha.

I am FINALLY getting some pics uploaded from London and Paris trip. In fact, uploading as we... well, as I type. They are going up on MySpace first. Then I'll work on getting them on EC and on here.

One other thing before I pass out sitting here (and the thought of getting up at 5am to go work out is tiring still). I have penciled in a breakfast date with my pastor's wife. Thursday morning. That's 3 whole days to figure out exactly what it is that I want to talk to her about - and three whole days (80 hours if you wanna get technical) to be sick with anxiety. She even told me that I had better talk this time... I told her I'd let her know Wednesday then if I was going to chicken out or not. ha! *sigh* where to start, what to discuss... I'm gonna loose my mind between now and then. I can't just wing it, because I will definitely loose my nerve... I've got to have some sort of game plan.

My brain can no longer function tonight, so I'll figure it out tomorrow. Or start trying to anyway. Maybe that means I can get right to sleep instead of laying there staring at the ceiling forever. *yawn* Aight... I'm out -- later.

That time of the Month

2008-04-30T22:06:00.002-04:00

Haha ... and no it's not what you are thinking. Today is without a doubt the most stressful day of the month. The last day. UGH! I work at a mortgage company in the collections department, and I am stressed beyond belief right now. Of course, there is all the things that need to be done liability wise at the bookstore with sales taxes, 941, 940 and customer statements; but nothing compares to the stress of a collections deadline. **deep breath**

So, this month was a rough month all around, and not just for me -- for my whole group... well, the whole pod really. It was awful. We have 3 separate goals given to us at the beginning of the month. Overs, Repos, and Unders. Overs are those accounts that are delinquent over 30 days past their due date. Repos - I think we are all smart enough to get that. Unders are delinquent accounts that are under 30 days past due. When I got in this morning I still needed to drop 12 Overs, I was at my max for repos with 2, and needed 23 Unders. Keep in mind that the Overs who just make one payment will become Unders, so I really needed 35 Unders.

Yesterday I almost stabbed my supervisor over this one account that is 5 payments past due. All of our legal notices had expired the beginning of last month and now that I have contact with my customer and they want to try and save their home he says "Repo it". *squinting and growling*. Now mind you, had they been 5 payments past due and sent ONE FRIGGIN PAYMENT and I wanted to get the home, he would say "they are making an effort to pay, lets wait until next month". But since I'm at my Repo max, it's the day before the last day of the month and I will be getting a $250 bonus because I'm at that goal he says "REPO IT". ugh!!! I managed to talk him off the ledge because the customer was begging for another day to try and come up with all the past due payments. So... today I get in and get a call from another customer (3 pays past due) who says -- I am moving out, I want you to come get the trailer by may 9th. She still has her junk in the home and the power is still on. Per our guidelines for legal action, we cannot submit an account for repossession until it is completely vacant (verified by a 3rd party), power is off, and all belongings are out of the home. So what does my fearless leader do? Manages to call a FRIEND of the customer to get her to say that she has moved out, ONLY has 10 or so boxes of stuff in the home and that the power WOULD BE off by May 8th. So his answer ... you guessed it -- REPO IT!!

Yeah, definitely beyond the sharp objects at this point and really just want to throw something really heavy and blunt at his head.

So by 4:30 today I had finished my daily sequence, either called, left a message for or talked to every single over account that I have and was working through some of my unders. I looked at Vanisia and said - I'm done. I have (at this point) 9 overs to drop, they just pushed a repo through to bust my repo goal, and still need 30-something unders... I'm done.

I'm soooooooooooooooooooo over collections. Three years is a LONG time for collections. I have two active applications out for other positions. One in inside sales, and the other as the office manger at a sales center that is in Lenoir City. A bit of a drive for me, but would be an increase in pay and would get me away from the madman of my supervisor. Ooooo I can't stand that man. Only he and my mother can get me from calm, cool and collected to flaming mad wanting to stab someone in 2.4 seconds. No - it doesn't even take that long. Sometimes just the very sight of him does it. haha. Time to move on don't you think?

yeah, so the chest pains came back today. ha! I swear it's just anxiety. And I know why they went away. Anytime I make the decision to do something about it, the symptoms get better. Not just mentally either. A couple years ago when I was out for surgery. The pain had gotten so bad that I could not function. So, I left work to go to the emergency room. When I got there -- no pain. What the Junk?! We later figured out why - and that was because my organs had pressed together to seal off the perforation in my colon. Caused a nice mess of abscess and infection, but felt better. =o) Same thing with mental and emotional issues. I finally get to the point where I understand that I need help, I take the first step in getting that help, for example - making a lunch date with my pastor's wife (yeah - not the first lunch that we have had). Then, knowing that the day is approaching, the chest pains go away... I don't think about things that usually plague my mind... nothing so much as goes wrong during the day and I chicken out. So when it comes to D Day, I'm good, let's eat, nice talking to you too.

I really am trying to come up with something sunshiney and happy to blog about - I really am. I just don't have it in me lately. I use up all my sunshineyness to get through the day and pretend that everything is ok. I guess that's part of the problem.

I did have a really cool quote in my "thought of the day" email ... it was from Confucius... "Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it". My friend Tonya used to say (in a really bad Chinese accent) "Confucius say... He who stand on toilet - is high on pot". *giggles at the memory* She had plenty of Confucius quotes like that.

Well, I'm still at the bookstore about to pass out. I've been up since 5:30 this morning for Body pump. It's almost 11 now. I still gotta get home... and my house is a disaster. I attempted to shampoo my carpets this week. Got about half way done and ran out of time. So all my furniture is out of place in 3 different rooms. ha - they will stay that way too. I'm going to BED!! I already missed Top Chef ... so now I'm bitter! Oh - NOOO ... I'm not bitter, can't handle another bitterness sermon. hee hee... g'night.

I finally did it ....

2008-04-28T07:54:00.004-04:00

Yep, you read it right -- I finally got up the nerve and did it. I asked my pastor's wife if she could make some time to do lunch or something with me. You may think - big whoopty-do. Well, it is for me. Not sure that I can summon the courage to actually TALK to her, but we will see. She even asked me if it was just a lunch date or did I need to talk to her. ha! I told her I was trying to get up the nerve... haha. Niiiice - so now she knows I've got something on my mind. AND that it's been there for a while, because we have had lunch dates before and I never could bring myself to really talk to her. *sigh* It's just gonna come down to how much I really do want help. That's it. I keep asking myself that question. Before I asked Dawn her opinion of therapy/medication that day at lunch... I excused myself to the bathroom and had an argument with myself. I'm such a dork, but that's what happened. I left determined that if I truly want the help that I say that I do... well, then I'm gonna have to open up my mouth and heart and trust someone enough to talk. right?

So, I gave Hope another chance yesterday. The Bridal Show and all we did not have much time to think much less really talk. But as I was leaving her house (had another argument with myself) and I looked at her and said "we really need to do dinner". Ok, granted it was not - listen, I really need to talk to you about something please have dinner with me; but still. Well, her response was "not this week". I just left. I had a 20 min drive to my house and church that started in 23 minutes. *sigh* what am I going to do with that woman. lol.

So... Sis. C is out of town this week and that means I get a WHOOOOOLE week to fret and be nervous and argue with myself about this lunch date. I was talking to Dana the other day about my reservations about talking to her. Not that I think she would ever betray my confidence... I still have that fear. I have held my secret battle quite for soooo long -- I guess it's just a pride issue. Although I don't feel prideful, that's the only way I know to describe it. Or as Dana puts it... I just care too much what people think. And that's true. I would rather people think that I'm okay then for them to worry about my sanity. That is sick and twisted isn't it.

There was this cute thing going around on myspace. You posted a blog that said to post a comment with your name and I'll answer these questions about you. Here is what my sister said about me....

1. I'll respond with something random about you.You talk in your sleep and sometimes you say some funny stuff! Also, you're only ticklish when you're tired.

2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of Hm.... Hope Floats reminds me of you and any Reba song of course... probably mostly Little Rock cuz we used to sit out side on the swings at the Ohio St house and sing that for like hours. Good times. Good times.

3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (if possible, if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me)These mashed potatoes are so cream. You like brunnetts! I like blondes... chubby ones. Cesar Romaro was tall. Cesar Romaro did not play the clarrinet. I never said he did. What did you say. I said Cesar Romaro was tall. We all know he was tall.... I could go on, and I'm sure you could too. =P We're sad.

4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.Oh geez.... I don't remember anything about you until I was like... age 5 maybe. I remember us having to clean Baby and Bobo's little room and it being Stinky Mcgrosserton, and I remember you fixing my hair for preschool and me throwing big fits about it.

5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of (and I'll try not to be offensive)This is a toughie... I'd say a wolf. You're cautious and observant, and kind of stand-offish, but for those you allow into your "pack", you'd throw down in a second. Very loyal and honorable.

6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.I wonder what how you view yourself and whether or not you see how beautiful and talented you are.

7. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you That you take the things that hurt you and bottle them up instead of standing up for yourself. You are much quicker to stand up for others than you are for yourself. As a sister, I HATE seeing you hurt. So I often blow up at people who I know are getting to you... I'm sure you know at least one person that I'm talking about.

*** sigh *** That kills me. So... maybe I'm not hiding as much as I think I am. Or... maybe she is just so much like me that she knows. Yeah ... so I gotta go now. Gonna be late for work.

Venting

2008-04-27T22:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I just need to vent for a minute. My Pastor just TORE UP a sermon tonight about mercy. Not your typical message though. He started off by saying that God had given him this message for about 1% of the church congregation. He said that God had told him that there are some people who have lived their lives in a particular way and that He had been merciful thus far; but that He was about to change the seasons of their life if they did not change the way they were living.

He was talking about those people who are so blatantly sinning and flaunting it almost daring someone to say something about it. He went so far as to say that he will stop telling people that they are Apostolic, because they are not. He said that our generation as a whole has become too lenient with what we preach. We don't want to offend someone. He said pastors are too afraid to preach it because it might offend, or make someone mad, or God forbid they get up and leave. He made the argument that if you do preach it and they leave... they were going to hell on your pews, what is the difference if they leave and still go to hell. However, how do you expect them to change if you never preach it for fear of them leaving. He brought it to personal level in the fact that we don't stand up to our fellow brothers and sisters and say hey, what you are doing is wrong!

So ... in the midst of this.... (Now, keep in mind our choir now has to stay on the platform because there is no room in the auditorium... so I have a great view of all that is going on)... I happened to catch the look on a cousin of mine's face. It was about that time when he was talking about flaunting your sin in front of the congregation. Now... this comes directly after another cousin of mine walked up into church with some "miracle grow" on her hair. You know... the kind that miraculously grows all the same length? Which, let me insert here, my opinion. Not a popular one, but mine nonetheless. I personally do not feel that if you cut your hair or wear pants or makeup and those other exterior standards of the church that you will go to Hell. That is my personal opinion. I do not judge someone who chooses not to uphold the standards that I have placed on my life. I value the importance of modesty, and the promise that I have power with the angels because of my uncut hair. I choose to submit myself to those standards, however I do not believe that following them will save you, nor that choosing not to follow them will condemn you.

okay, so where was I ... oh yes, miracle grow. So I happen to catch the look on cousin #1's face that said "uh-huh ... she is out there flaunting her sin for the world to see... what do you think about that? preach on preacher. Talk to cousin #2..." I know you know that look I'm talking about. Problem is... cousin #2... couldn't tell you the truth if her life depended on it. I swear she lies just to be lying. No reason or "need" to. Just doesn't tell the truth. So tell me there #2... don't you think you should be listening and heading the Word rather then pointing out someone else's faults??

And I know I sound hypocritical with this. I know I am FAR from perfect. But I just get so frustrated sometimes with my family who I KNOW is not right, and they can sit in a service that would peel the most hardened criminal from their pew into the altar... and they don't so much as flinch. Or even worse, preach the preacher when preacher's preaching to them!!

UGH!!!

Anyway... had to get that out. Much more that I want to say -- but I'm terrified that #1 and #2 may someday find this and read it ... then I'd be in trouble. ha! I was gonna put another instalment of my trip in here, but I'm too tired. We had a Bridal Show today at the Bleak House in Knoxville. I was out at Hope's this morning at 8am preparing. I pulled back in my driveway tonight at exactly 5:57. Church starts at 6pm. Luckily I'm across the street and I had the 20 min drive from Hope's house back to mine to figure out what to wear that didn't need ironing. I actually made it to church just after 6. Bro. Presson usually gets up and opens the service with a scripture and a little one min blurb about it and then choir starts with praise and worship songs. I snuck up into choir just as Bro. Presson was finishing up. woohoo!! What is REALLY nice is that we learned a new song tonight in choir practice (that I missed) and we sang it that night. haha... that was fun. I had heard it a couple times so I caught on pretty quickly. Still a struggle though.

Aight ... I'm out for now. I'm about to go to ZZZzzzzz... yeah... Asta...

Speaking of ...

2008-04-25T00:18:00.002-04:00

I'll add more from my trip later. But with the last blog in mind, I must update you on this little journey. I went to lunch with my friend Dawn today. Well, let me back up. I've been trying to work up the nerve to talk to Hope about all that's been going on. Okay, just kidding, one more step back.

I think I've mentioned before, that everything life throws at me I will internalize. I will bottle up emotions until I can't function, have a breakdown and then continue on as if nothing happened. Well, I've noticed a pattern and that "cycle" has been getting shorter and shorter lately. Dawn told me today that only gets worse with age ... dear GOD I can't handle worse. ha! Anyhow... for the last 3 days or so, I've felt on the verge of a panic attack and have had these weird chest pains. Not really pain, but like someone has their hand on my chest and just a constant pressure.

So... I've tried and tried to talk to Hope, and I finally interrupted her ranting today to try and get her to listen to me. I told her I had been having chest pains for the last couple of days. So her response was something like: "you really need to get that checked out. So about my website..." [really cool by the way, I've worked for months on it and we just published it this week. Check it out: www.SimplySouthernCatering.net ... I still have some tweaking to do and some pictures to add] That made me sooooo mad.

So I had lunch today with Dawn. She works in the same building I do and attends my church as well. So I finally get up my nerve to say something on the way back to work. My typical style... bring up a huge-mungus heavy, emotional topic when we have no where near enough time to discuss it. But, without going into details, kinda told her what was going on and asked how she felt about counseling and therapy. She told me how after she had Abby (preemie, lots of health complications, fine one day, at death's door the next) - she would have anxiety attacks. She went to her doctor and he prescribed a very low dosage of some medication that helped her deal and cope through that time. She said that her opinion is that some people need a little therapy or medication from time to time... but she did add that if it is marriage counseling that is best left up to the pastor.

So what are you thoughts... my faithful 3 readers. haha. well, only two really - I know 6 hours worth of Dana's opinion. *wink* Or any stopper-bys. Your input would be appreciated. And before you say it ... I am praying about it. I really just don't know what to do, and I'm trying to work up the nerve to sit down with my pastor's wife.

This is my conflict. My innerds are screaming "someone help me"... and yet I can't make my -um- outterds (?) do anything about it. My cousin said something today that hit me so funny. She was talking about a situation my family is going through were we are forced to have a certain person in our lives due to a stupid mistake of another cousin and the product of which is a precious little girl. Anyhow, this chick blames her mistakes and behavior on the way she was raised and how she had an awful childhood and on and on. So she (my cousin) was ranting and raving about this today and how she does not think that anyone can blame their behavior on their parents. Then she said "I mean, hellllo, look at YOU. We have a poster child here in our family and look how YOU turned out". Ha-- if they only knew.

Well... I'm rambling again. And I need to be up and dressed in about 5 hours if I'm hauling my big butt to Body Pump in the morning. So I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Pray for me. And again - I solicit your opinion. What are your thoughts on Holy Ghost filled children of God needing help outside the church... not necessarily medication. I really don't want meds - I want to learn to deal and I think I need someone to help me do that.

Until next time...

* Day Four *

2008-04-25T00:09:00.003-04:00

We're on the train to Paris!!! Should almost be there, and talk of kids, x-husbands, family members, and backsliding brings back the thoughts of home.

[Got interrupted ... continued at the train station]

It's funny how just yesterday Sis. Debbie and I were talking about how a trip like this will take your mind off things going on at home. And that's true to some extent. I've been .... myself for the first time in a long time, but the thoughts are creeping back and I just want to scream at them to GO AWAY! And yet - I can't. There they are. I wish and pray for the healing that I need so badly. And sitting here on the cold floor of the train station in Pairs, France waiting (for 2 hours now) for our tour guide - I feel that blanket of sadness coming down. I feel the tears that I so long to cry creeping up only to be pushed down again. I really wish someone could just know and understand and speak into my soul words to soothe and mend. That's been my prayer for 26 long years - hasn't happened yet. ha! I'm at the point where either something changes - or I spend the rest of my life on this emotional roller coaster. I don't think I can take the motion sickness too much longer *sigh* Enough for now - I'll be bawling here for no reason. You know.... puke in London... have an emotional breakdown in Paris - whatever. All in a good vacation.

* Day Three *

2008-04-24T23:48:00.002-04:00

Thursday, March 28th, 2008

This morning we (Sis. Debbie, Gayla, Cindy, Leann, Naomi, Tiffany, and I) went out intending to purchase tickets for Phantom of the Opera. We ended up getting a late start and went straight to the changing of the guards. They do a 2 day shift so there was not one yesterday; and Wednesday they didn't have it because the President of France was there. I got a couple of cool videos of the bands moving in, but we were too far away to see the actual guard change. At this point things got a little crazy. We got separated from Sis. Debbie and Gayla. The rest didn't want to wait, but at the last minute we found Gayla... but no Sis. Debbie. So - I stayed with her while the others left and we planned to meet later at Harrods. We did finally find Sis. Debbie and then headed to Harrods. That place is HUGE!! I've actually never heard of the place, but supposedly a world-wide known store. They have everything you could possibly imagine. The only thing that I bought was food - some fresh sliced turkey, some weird cheese with rosemary on it and samples of a Greek and a Mediterranean salad. Not with greens, but with tomatoes, cheese (mozzarella and feta) and olives. Yum!! Now the cheese with the rosemary in it made me soooo sick. I had to get out of the store and definitely puked on the streets of London. Great huh?

So, by the time Sis. Debbie and Gayla were done shopping and we got back to the hotel, we had just missed the others. The rest of the group had gone on an all day tour of Bath and Stonehenge. So we set off to find tickets to Phantom. First we wanted to go yesterday, but Naomi had plans with her daughter and granddaughter, so we decided to wait. Then she backs out anyway. Well, we find a place that has 2 tickets, first balcony, center for 55 lbs. More than I wanted to spend, but okay - I'm here to spend $$, never been to the theater, and will never again have the opportunity to go in London every again. So we purchase them for Sis. Debbie and I. Gayla had seen it last night with the others so she got a ticket for Mama Mia. We RACED back to the hotel to freshen up (Gayla went on to St. Paul's Cathedral) and literally RUN back to pick up the tickets. However, there is a different person on duty who says he has no tickets b/c the theater would not sell them after 5pm. What The Crap!! We then try to run down to the theater-- and I do mean RUN. We were able to get our money back. No, let me rephrase that, Sis. Debbie DEMANDED our $$ back (ha!) Turns out, they have only one seat in the entire house for 55 lbs. Sis. Debbie talked me into going without her, and I'm glad she did. It was absolutely amazing!! I ended up being dead center, isle seat, 8th row from the stage on the main level. Perfect! I was directly under the chandelier when it fell. =o) On the way back to the hotel, I managed to spend the rest of my $$ on souvenirs and a carmel hot chocolate from Starbucks.

Tiff ended up getting to go the Jack the Ripper Tour with Naomi and they really enjoyed it. Kinda bummed that I didn't get to go, but Phantom!!! So... I showered, packed up, and I'm ready to head out at 8:15 in the morning for PARIS!!!

Random...

2008-04-21T23:33:00.002-04:00

Wow... for someone who does not keep up with journals and blogs ... I'm doing pretty good. ha! I felt that I should get on here and post something that is on this side of depressing for once. lol. Not that I feel like it, but don't really want this entire blog thingy ma bobber to be all "I'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists". So yeah... my day:

I got up and went to Body Pump this morning at 6am. So far so good. I can still walk, so we are doing good. We shall see how it turns out tomorrow. After work of course I went tanning. I still can't seem to get this one strip across my belly to tan properly. I guess that's the price you pay when you got them jelly rolls going on. hee hee - Vanisia wanted us to go to a place that had the booths where you stand up in them. I told her I would not be doing that because I would have to hold things up in order for parts of my body to get tanned. ha! Apparently that works while lying down as well. Hmm... but, by the grace of God - I will not have these jelly rolls too much longer. I'm planning to go to The Power of One conference in Memphis in June. I'm hoping to loose another 20 lbs by then. That would put me at a total of 80 lbs down and sadly just over half way to my goal.

So then, to further torture my muscles -- Julie, Rachel, Danielle and I went to the park and played tennis. I had to pretty much force myself to go because I just really did not want to. But hey, it beats being couped up in the house staring at the walls; or worse... doing laundry and cleaning -- ahhhh!! I'm glad I went. Then of course, we had to stop at Sonic to replenish the calories that we had just burned. haha... I restrained myself. I tried ONE of those new Cinasnack thingies -- HIGHLY recommend those and a Cherry Limeade... YUMMMMMY I love love LOVE those things.

And now, since I got absolutely NO sleep last night and was up at 5:30, I'm about to pass out. I have an appointment tomorrow at LTF (Ladies Total Fitness) at 9am to finish my body age assessment test. So pray church pray ... I'm sure I'll be 97 or so.

Yep, definitely just dosed off... time to go to bed. Until later... ASTA!!

Guess what....

2008-04-21T00:05:00.003-04:00

Yeah ... grocery shopping didn't happen. Ha - figures.

We had an AWESOME service tonight at church. Bro. Duffy from Big Stone Gap, VA ( I think ) preached and did he ever more TEAR IT UP!!! He talked about how God led the Israelites with the cloud by day and the fire by night. He talked about how God changed his appearance ( can't think of the word he used right off the top of my head -- I'll have to look back at my notes ) to confuse the enemy. He told us that God was always with them, constantly there leading.

One part of the sermon that hit me HARD, was when he said that he was talking to someone who was struggling. He said they are faithful in church and the things they are involved in. They are faithful to the things taught and preached about, and yet inside there is a struggle. He talked about being honest with God and coming before Him without holding back.

Let me just tell you... I cried and cried until I thought that I could cry no more ... then the floodgates opened up. The man was reading my mail tonight. I really do feel an inner turmoil going on. It's not that I'm questioning God, or the decisions I've made in following Him. I do not doubt for a second that Jesus is God, that I am saved by the grace of God and through my obedience to His word by being baptized in Jesus name and was (and still is) filled with the Holy Ghost evidenced by speaking in tongues. I am not struggling with the fact that I have made a covenant with God and will keep my hair as my glory, uncut and powerful. I don't falter in my stance on holiness and modesty.

My struggle is in the battlefield of my mind. I am struggling to break free of the chains that have bound me for so long. Things in my past - not that I've necessarily done - but that have been done to me, have shaped who I am today and have dictated my thought process and painted the picture of my self image and self worth and self esteem. Somewhere I need to find the strength to say that I'm worth the fight.

It's a struggle. Some days more than others. These past few days have been rough, and I know it's only because I've publicly (sort of) made the proclamation that I will overcome and I will beat this once and for all. So ... anyone who may read this -- I covet your prayers. I've never said it before, but I need help. Now all I gotta do is find it.

And before I go, I feel I must throw out a little disclaimer *winks at Dana*... the purpose of this blog is not to cry oh whoa is me, or to try be the center of attention. If you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention. This is extremely difficult for me. There are, to my knowledge, only 3 people who know about this blog. And it will more than likely remain that way. So if you are randomly stopping by - I apologize for this funk of a mood I am in. Blogs will get better, I promise. And to you three ... thanks for reading this far, and I hope I don't scare you off. =o) I'm just tired of going through life this way, it's got to change, and I'm thinking if I put it "on paper" so to speak... that maybe, just maybe, I can get something accomplished.

Well, I'm due to be up in about 4 hours to head out for my 2nd adventure in Body Pump tomorrow.. .well, later on today at 6am. Wish me luck and let's hope I can walk on Tuesday.

sigh

2008-04-20T12:26:00.006-04:00

well, I've started this blog several times already and deleted everything I've typed. Fact is, I just don't know what to say. You may say, well, just start with how you feel and go from there. See... that's the thing. I'm not really sure. I've really been thinking lately about my life, how I live it, where I have come from, where I am at and where I'm going and would like to go in the future -- and it's all so overwhelming. I was talking to a friend of mine about this very thing the other day.

I feel like, and have for a while now, that there is something out there that God wants me to be doing. I don't know what it is, or even where it is ... and yet, I cannot get myself there. I have closed myself off from everyone for so long and kept everybody out. I have even lied to myself by pushing emotions away and not dealt with them to the point that I am a walking time bomb. It's a cycle really. I've noticed this lately as well. I let things build and build in my life until I reach the point of a complete melt down. I feel that I am approaching a melt down moment. Oh, I hate it. But I've done it for so long as a way of coping... a defense mechanism ... my security blanket -- whatever the reason -- that I just cannot function any other way.

My prayer lately is that I learn to trust. Truely trust. Because I need so badly to be able to trust someone enough just to sit and talk. I need someone to help me. I just need someone. The problem is ... I always find a reason NOT to trust that person (whoever it may be). I talk myself out of it. This weekend is prime example. The one person I feel I trust the most is Hope. She is a very busy woman - I understand that. Married and has three kids, her and her husband both own their own companies. I get that she is busy. As I said - I'm definately approaching a melt down moment. So, being me, it takes days to work up the nerve to even call her (keep in mind.. this is my bestest friend in the world). When I do, I get her voice mail ... and no return call. So I text her later that night ... no answer. Called the next day ... no return call. Text that afternoon ... no answer. To a normal person - it's Friday/Saturday .. she has a family that she barely sees during the week and she's spending time with them. I get that - completely. But in my warped brain ... she doesn't really care. And yes, Dana, I know that is the father of lies in my ear *grin* But you have to understand where I am mentally. So today, I get to church just before practice and leave as soon as they said Amen. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have to smile and be nice because I really can't force it today. She knows my behavior patterns, so just a few minutes ago I get a text from her. And what am I doing? yep, not answering it. I am such a freaking lunatic you know that??

I absoluetly cannot believe that I'm about to post this out for the world to see, but my God ... I've just gotta get some of it out. And... this is where I freeze ... every time. As I sit here and stare at the screen and watch 5 mintues tick away... what to say? What exactly is it that I need to get off my chest so bad? Who knows...

Joy had posted a blog sometime last month that I just read yesterday. She was saying how powerful words are and can be. She was saying how anything a person says is just a layer surrounding what they really want to say and who they truely are. She says:

"It takes a process of time to peel back the layers of what is really in our hearts. Sometimes these layers are built by distrust, hurt, pain of rejection, and no matter how much you want to share your true self with anyone, it causes you to have to make the decision of vulnerability of your heart. Do you trust this person enough to unveil your true self...and if and when you do...will they still like you...want to be with you...and the deepest risk of all...will they still love you?"

Maybe that is my fear... no, I know it is. Dana says I care too much what people think. I think that's true as well. I have always been the strong one. No matter what happened, I was always standing. Funny thing is, as soon as I was alone, I crumbled. So why, when I need help the most, do I run away?

My theme song here lately is one of most recent choir songs called "I'm Still Standing"

If not for Your goodness if not for Your grace

I don't know where I would be today

If not for Your kindness I never could say

I'm still standing

If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love

I most likely would have given up

If not for Your favor I never could say

I'm still standing

~~~

But by the grace of God

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand

On Christ the solid rock I stand - but by the grace of God

~~~

I'm still standing

But but by the grace of God

~~~

(I'm still singing, shouting, leaping ... and so on)

~~~

That is my "in your face devil" song. Because I am still standing. Everything that he put in my way to try to take me down... I am still standing! Granted - bleeding, bruised and disoriented ... but by the grace of God ... I'm still standing. And I will beat this - I will overcome - I will still be standing ... I just need a little help. The problem is... asking for it.

So... I'll go grocery shopping with Hope tonight... and more than likely I'll tell her I'm fine. Apparently when I tell her "I'm 'aight" is when she knows I'm really not. So I'll try to avoid that. haha... I'm such a goober.

Well, I'm off to the tanning bed. Never got that laundry done yesterday, so when I get back... it's all about laundry. It's sad when you would rather buy new underwear than wash the ones you've got. ha - I did that yesterday. I keep telling myself it's because all of the ones I do have are too big now .... but I really just didn't want to wash them... haha.

Out of Order...

2008-04-19T15:39:00.003-04:00

So, I found this on a friend's EC page. Take some time (if you have it) to click on the following links. Some good preaching here that I think we all could learn a little something from. I know there are times that I feel out of order -- now being one of them. And I know that there are things that I need to get taken care of. I have a few verses to go... I can never get the embeded YouTube things to work, so I do appologize...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yVrdMjHjIQ (part one)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcLluebWOX8 (part two)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB3DgW79PWI (part three)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmP2lfeEJmA (part four)

What a day!!!

2008-04-19T13:39:00.002-04:00

AHHHHHH!!!! Yeah - that's definately me screaming. ha! So acctually...it's been a rough week. I've definately been just barely on this side of a panic attack all day. I can't stand that feeling. I really just want to stab someone and get it over with. lol.

Not really in the mood to go into details - what's the point anyway. So I'll just "scream" in here and get it over with. I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit and then take my frustrations out on the piles of laundry I need to do. Should be okay - nothing breakable there.

Then... when I calm down, I'll be back to write more about my trip...woohoo!!

Thought for the day...

2008-04-17T09:23:00.002-04:00

Today's Quote

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.

-Charles Caleb Colton

Thought I'd share that with you ... It's very true. I'm thankful for all my friends!! Oh, and I'll have to post in here about the message on holiness last night. Was REALLY good - check it out on the church's website, you can watch it in the archived section. I'll put highlights in here later...

O...M....G -- I'm gonna die.

2008-04-17T09:01:00.003-04:00

I woke up today and could not move. Literally hurt to move, breath, even think. Okay, so not that bad, but took me about 10 minutes or so to get out of bed. Took me a good minute just to work up enough nerve to even attempt to sit down on the toilet. And YOU KNOW how bad you gotta go in the morning. ugh! I'm hurting soooo bad. I have been at this plateau for a while now and it's driving me crazy. I joined back to Ladies Total Fitness (along with half the ladies in my church). I have been doing pretty good at work in their gym. Before we left for London/Paris I was going every day either before/after work or on my lunch break. Sometimes both. And in the last year and half or so I've lost almost 70 lbs. Great accomplishment, I understand that, but frustrating as CRAP when you are watching what you eat, working out almost daily and still not loosing weight. Yes, the "you're gaining muscle" excuse... well, when is the point that you stop gaining muscle? Will I eventually become one huge-mungus muscle? Anyway, so I boycotted when I got back. Only for a week though.

Anyhow, so I thought -- I'm used to working out, I've got some good lean muscle mass according to the little BMI thing, lets just try Body Pump (and at 6am I might add-- now THAT was a struggle in and of itself). The workout itself was not so bad, but as the day progressed my legs and my butt slowly got more and more sore. Not to mention they about gave out on my during the work out. So this morning.... yeah - cannot move. And guess what?! I had another appointment this morning with my trainer Michelle at 8am. She just followed me around the weight circuit and made sure I knew how to adjust everything and properly lift the weights so I did not injure myself. Oh, it was a struggle. But I did it, and glad too -- because at least now I can walk. A couple hours ago I could not even do that. Ohhhh but I'm sore!!!

Anyone for Body Pump tomorrow at 6am?? I must be glutton for punishment. I'll rest over the weekend though. By Michelle's orders. She said I'm pushing myself too hard and I need to let my body rest. I'll figure out a good workout routine to fit my schedule... along with all the other stuff that I need to get organized in my life. hahaha...

So.. plan for tonight: After work I've got to go fix Grammie's hair so she can be all pretty-fied for traveling down to Mississippi for the funeral tomorrow. Speaking of which - please pray for my family. My great Aunt Mary passed away yesterday. This would be Grammie's, brother's wife. His name is Jimmy Cooper, and he's absolutely devastated as you can imagine. They are saying it was Congestive Heart Failure, but we think there may have been some ... I guess lack of care at the hospital that added to the situation. Some of you may know Bro. Dino Graham (not sure if that's spelled right)... this is his mother - Mary Cooper. My mom's planning to go and I'm trying to talk her into stopping through here on her way... we'll see.

Back to my plan -- after Grammie's, I'm gonna try to figure out this blasted camera (while watching CSI and ER of course-- waaaaay excited about the writer's strike being over) and get some pictures on here. Some of my far away friends are getting a little aggravated that I have yet to post some. I'm sorry, I'm working on it.

Well, I better head to the bookstore and catch up on some work before I head to my real job - ha! Wish me luck ...

A work in process ...

2008-04-16T08:02:00.005-04:00

So, I sat in my car yesterday on my lunch and began writing. I've been wanting to pick that back up for a while, and just have not done so. This is what I came up with ... it's not completed and needs a lot of work. But I'm determined to bust out of this shell I've created for myself and try to reach out and branch out and all those other "out" phrases. ha! So I'm sharing ... I hear a melody with it, so I suppose it's going to be a song, and I only have half of the second verse ...

The father of lies is at it again

trying to cause defeat

He comes at me daily putting thoughts in my head

And he whipsers - go ahead and retreat

I try to walk forward spinning out of control

determined not to give in

He's creeping through the darkness about to take hold

And I fall to my knees once again

---

I've got no where to run

There's no where to hide

Lord, I need you right by my side

I can't move ahead

And I won't turn back now

All I can do is stand my ground

But I won't turn around

---

If you feel defeated child, just lift up your head

Your help is just a prayer away

Surrounded by darkness, all your fears have been fed

But all it takes is just a little faith

(here would be the missing part)

---

You don't have to run

And you don't have to hide

He is still standing by your side

Just open your heart

And lay it all down

Once was lost and now you're found

Just don't turn around

Like I said ... a work in progress ... be gentle. ha! Gotta go to work, I'll have to tell you all about my first Body Pump class later ... let's just say -- my legs are still shaking, oh wait - I have legs?! haha. Later...

Day two!

2008-04-16T00:26:00.001-04:00

~~~ Day 2 - Thursday March 27th ~~~

Today, after breakfast, we (Tiffany, Cindy, Sis. Debbie, Leanne, Naomi, and myself) headed out to see the sites. First stop was the London Tower. We had a great tour that told us of all the bloody history there, who was beheaded where and what stones they dug up in the little chapel to burry them under. Next was St. Paul's Cathedreal. Tiffany and I decided not to take the tour, but I found it hilarious that we both spotted the same little street tucked away with cute little shops. So we headed back there and did some seriously no touchie window shoping. That was really difficult around that shoe shop, but we made it though. We found this little coffee shop that had to die for hot chocoalte and this oh so yummy shortbread/carmel/chocholate... thing that I even tracked down another shop later to get another of. Mmmm... could use one right about now too. ha!

One particular store we shopped at... well, let me rephrase that - one store we stopped to drool over things that we could not purchase, there was a pretty cool display. First of all there were purses (and we all know my feelings about purses), but the mingled CAKES in with the purses on display. Now that's how you display some accessories! I definately took a picture and was quickly told that was not allowed. Oops - just kidding.

Next stop -- Piccadilli Circus and the theater district. We are planning to go see Phantom of the Opera tomorrow night. The cheapest we can find is 40 pounds. Roughly 80 american dollars, but who else can say they've gone to the theater in LONDON?!? After pricing a bunch of places we headed back to the hotel to rest up a little before dinner.

Okay - so back to yesterday... where was I ...

Our flight out of Newark was delayed, and then once we arrived in London, it was another hour and a half drive to the hotel. We got here about 9am and basically stopped to use the bathroom (in the lobby), change guides and head back out. We had arrived too early to check into the hotel, so they had planned a tour of London that day. Poor Shawn - we were all so very tired from traveling all night and some of us throughout the day before. He took us all over London, knew absolutely everything - even random trivia - and he really was funny, we were all just too tired to laugh. We got back to the hotel about 1pm and was able to check in. Some of the group was way to wiped to do anything, but Sis. Debbie, Cindy, Tiffany, Leanne, Jason, Chad, Kara, Gayla and I took off.

We set out to walk to ... well, I can't remember where we set out for; but we figured we walked about 2 miles or so before we gave up and bought passes for the TUBE. That's London's underground transportation. Confusing as CRAP, but much better than walking all over creation. We got back to the hotel just in time for dinner and then most of us crashed. Jason and David decided to go back out and head down to the theater district. I definately went right to sleep. ha!

This morning we got up around 9am and have been going pretty much all day. We rested up before dinner and then went back out to see Big Ben, The London Eye, and others at night. WE tried to find the cute little Jazz Club that we saw earlier, but could not find it. So it's just after midnight and we are trying to wind down to get some rest for another full day tomorrow. Some have booked all day tours - I think one of them is to Stonehendge, but we are doing more walking around. I'm hoping to have time for the Jack the Ripper tour before the Phanotom of the Opera. We'll see...

Okay... so the group [little editorial comment here - taking a huge breath b/c now people I know will acctually read this - ha!]. I was acctually afriad that I would be the oldest, but I am one of the youngest here! Let's see...

There's Leanne - hilarious!! Love her! She's from Cali, and has been through a lot with a dead beat husband. Definately already invited Tiff and I out to her house.

A woman from her church, Cindy, came with her. She teaches 3rd grade and reminds me a LOT of one of the girls from IBC named Leanna. She's TINY, has gorgeious black hair. She is very proper, very structured, and very orgainzed. She is our TUBE expert.

Naomi also came with them. She is funny. I love it because she will say whatever she thinks - whenever she wants. [cutest story to come about Naomi when we get to Paris]

Sis. Debbie is pretty cool. She is our guide and is apparently over the Singles Ministry for the UPC. She looks a lot like my aunt Cathy - it's creepy sometimes. She says I look like someone who used to attned her church - hmm. She's also from Cali, but not the same area as Leanne, Cindy and Naomi. I can't tell sometimes if she's joking or not - she says she is, so I've started firing those sarcastic comments right back at her. =o) She's fun.

At this point I think I definately passed out. I'm cracking up at myself at this point. It's funny how much you get to know people while on a trip like this. I feel like I have known these people my entire life, and really hated to leave them. How funny is that? Like - I wanted to bawl in the airport. Geez Jen... you've only known these people for 8 days!! I think part of it was just getting back to the same ol same ol. It was soooo nice to be completely out of touch for a week. Others had to have contact with the States, I welcomed the chance to completely get away. A friend and I had one of our marathon conversations the other day (in which she told me i needed therapy - ha! ....... yeah - I agree)... definately 6 hours long - a record for us... and we had discussed how I have always fantasized about just picking up and moving myself into the middle of no where where not a soul knows me and I can just completely start over. Now, don't go thinking that I'm running from problems or mistakes of my past or the law or anything like that... well, it's a long story and I'm not going to get into it now. Anyway - my point is that I seriously enjoyed myself, was able to forget (even if for just a few days) all that was going on here; and I felt like I was given the chance to truely be me for the first time in a long time. There were no expectations, no pre-conceived oppinions of me based on knowledge of where I come from or who my family is -- just complete strangers meeting for the first time who share in our single-ness and love for One God!

Now I feel like I'm rambling. I'm out for now- It's alreay after midnight and I've gotta get up "at the crack" and sis. Debbie would say. haha!! I've bit the bullet and joined back to Ladies Total Fitness, and I'm hitting my first "Body Pump" class tomorrow to try to jump start myself out of this weight loss plateau. God, I'm gonna die! It's at 6am (ahhhh!!!). So I've gotta get some rest. However, since I signed up again the did the whole body fat assessment thing... and was impressed. When I had joined last time (hold on for this) my BMI was at 51% ... yesterday - it was 36%. Woohoo - go me!! That was encouraging. I've only lost 65 lbs, but apparently have lost a lot more fat than that and gained a whole lot of muscle. ha -- I was going to put what my "lean mass" weight was... but... um ... some smart alleck would do the math and figure out that total weight of mine and we just can't have that now can we. hee hee. Ok - gotta go... asta!

Who has Internet back?!?

2008-04-15T20:40:00.000-04:00

Oh - stinkin' - yeah!!! How excited am I?? I can't wait to get on here and finish writting about my trip to LONDON and PARIS! Maybe I can get the camera to fork over my pics so I can post them on here. Woohoo. Right now though -- I must go unwind in my lovely bathtub. More to come very shortly...woohoo!!!

Craziness...

2008-04-14T20:44:00.000-04:00

So I'm here at the bookstore and came to get some work done and to post some more about my trip on here. Well.... I forgot my journal in the car and I'm not going back out to get it.

Now... on my list of things to do today I was going to call and get my Internet back from Charter. They are currently running a package for 69.98 per month, for me this would upgrade my cable to digital and give me cable Internet. (OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU CABLE INTERNET) Then I was going to cancel the web from my cell. Works out about even. Will knock 30 bucks from my cell bill and add it to Charter and the benefit of a full screen when trying to 'text' my emails and the convenience of having it at home and not having to come to the bookstore to post anything.

Ok, so I call - get this very nice lady for once. You just do not know the trouble I have with Customer Service Agents. No matter what company I am calling, I typically get the dumbest rep they have. I'm definitely not kidding either. *shakes head* Anyhow - this woman actually knew what she was talking about, even though it made no sense. Here's the short version of the 30 minute conversation we had....

I have had both digital cable and cable Internet set up at my home before. When canceling, I had to drop off the cable box to the office. I had purchased my own cable modem so I did not have to rent or buy from Charter. I still have that and all the cables to hook everything up. Now, because I am getting a package and upgrading to cable, they want to charge me to install them. So I ask if I can just come pick up the box and install myself. Here's where it gets interesting. If I am JUST upgrading cable *or* JUST adding Internet I can do that. However, since I'm adding both they have to charge me an installation fee of 49.95. If I want to just have them install the box and I self install the Internet it will be 36.95 fee. So I ask - some man is going to come to my house, drop off a box that I could have picked up, connect existing cables from my wall this box and to my existing modem, program my remote and charge me 49.95. She was silent. How crazy is that!! When she realized I was not going to pay it because I'm smarter than most people who would have said "ok" since they weren't requiring it up front they were going to bill me for it... she told me to do this. I can "self install" my cable box by picking that up tomorrow and calling for them to find a signal. Then, once installed I can call to add Internet and because I am already a digital member with the cable upgrade, then they can let me self install the Internet.

Can someone please tell me how that makes any sense at all?!? Craziness!!

Well, I'm off to the tanning bed and then home from some popcorn and a movie!! Hopefully soon I'll be online at home and can update more on my trip.

Asta!

Day one -- Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

2008-04-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

Our first day in London!!! How excited am I?! Yesterday was filled with airports and planes and plenty of layovers. My day started at 4am. My flight from Knoxville left on time at 6am, arriving in Chicago at 6:45am. I think had a four hour layover in which I walked for what seemed like miles going into all the little shops looking for some last minute items. It's really hard to find a Jude Deveraux book you know?? I was about four chapters away from finishing mind and knew I needed something else to occupy my time. No such luck. So - I started a Max Lucado book.

I left Chicago ((ON TIME!!)) around 10:45 and arrived in Newark, NJ just before 2pm. Another 4 hour layover for a flight to London scheduled for 6:55pm. We ended up taking off somewhere around 8:30 and landed just before 6am local time.

I'm still trying to remember names, but have met some nice (and some interesting) people. My rommie - Tiffany - is great. She's from New Jersey, and so far her only fault is snoring. And that would be exactly 10 seconds after her head hit the pillow. We are all so very tired from the entire day of traveling and jet lag is setting in. Some of us more than others.

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yeah -- definitely fell asleep at this point. It really wasn't cute, I was drooling all over - it was gross. And so far... I've not had any luck getting these blasted pictures from my camera onto my computer to be able to post some. I'll figure it out eventually. I could have just got the CD from WalMart when I developed all 455 of them. HAHA ... but how many cd's would I have to get - I don't even want to think about it.

Well... more to come in other posts, but for now I must become acquainted with my comfy bed. I'm pooped!! We had a late night rehearsal tonight for our newly formed "traveling chorale". Our first (what Bro. Erickson is calling) tour we are supposed to drive to St. Louis Thursday morning and sing Thursday night for the Gateway music thingy. Then drive back Friday morning in time to sing at the Youth Retreat up in Pigeon Forge (about 45 min from me). I will not be going to St. Louis for the simple fact that it was (a) travel one night and sing or (b) Paris and London ... hmmm... HELLIER!!! You obviously know the choice I made.

Aight - I gotta go, I'm falling a sleep and still gotta get home. Asta!

A Journey begins

2008-04-07T21:48:00.000-04:00

These next few blogs I will be transferring from my paper journal that I kept while touring London and Paris into this blog. Just a disclaimer so that you understand this is not actually happening now, but did happen. Confused yet? Oh well, just read and enjoy ... and be jealous. ha!

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A journey begins. Leaving Chicago I feel anxious, nervous, and a little nauseous - gotta love the windy city - but I'm so excited that I think my innerds just may burst. This is a trip of a lifetime and I can't wait. I can hardly wrap my brain around the fact that in less than 24 hours, I will be in London, England. How exciting!! How terrifying! There are only 17 of us going and I know not a one of them. New people, new experiences, new places - a new country! Let the journey begin!

I am hoping that this trip will be a turning point in my life. I need it to be - something has to change. This really is the first real thing that I have done completely for myself, and I'm hoping that the extreme "getting away" that I'm doing will be just the getting away that I need.

I have always fantasized about running away to a place where nobody knows me - where I can start over and start fresh. that will never happen because I believe, whole-heartily, that I am where God wants me to be. I can't say that this will always be my home - but this is were I need to be.

I've recently decided to take an emotional journey as well. I've always been one to hold everything in... just walk away until it does not hurt anymore; but the problem with that is - the pain is still there. I've only managed to build up my pain tolerance. So what does a life without pain feel like? I don't really know - but I'm determined to find healing. It will be hard, it will be rough, and I will have to learn to trust someone enough to help me through this. I just pray I have the strength to face all those demons of the past in order to heal these twenty-some-odd-year-old wounds -- even if I never know what caused them in the first place. I just know that I don't have the strength to continue like this very much longer. And so, ... another journey begins.

Bitterness...

2008-04-07T00:35:00.000-04:00

So ... I had every intention of coming back to the bookstore tonight to write of the wonderful time I had and the awesome people I met on my trip to London and Paris. I will eventually post some pics, but if you must see some now - head on over to Gayla's Gabfest blog because her's are going to be ten times better anyhow.

Anyway, I just sat through my nine hundred and fifty second sermon on bitterness. Okay, yeah, slight exaggeration; but seriously -- in the last 10 sermons or so I've heard, this makes the 5th one on bitterness. It's to the point now where I'm like... Okay God, is there some bitterness lurking around that I am unaware of?

I fully understand the dangers of bitterness. It can, and will, overtake everything in your life. And I wonder... am I bitter?

After sermon #4 on bitterness, I asked by best friend if she thought I was a bitter person. Her response was no, that she thinks I'm just very hurt and will not allow myself to heal (in a nutshell). Which I can see that, I agree. But am I just hurt?? Where does pain become bitterness? And is there a point in bitterness that you no longer recognize that you have become bitter?

I feel I should mention another fault of mine -- that would be over analysing. But this question has plauged me for the last few weeks. What if all these years I have struggled against the hurts of the past, not knowing it was bitterness all along; and out of ignorace have let it continue to grow and overtake other areas of my life.

Pastor was saying how a bitter person chooses their circle of friends very carefully, not letting anyone in that does not share the exact same viewpoint. This way we share in our bitterness rather than have a true friend to stand up and point out that we are wrong. So, have I kept my "circle of friends" extremly small because I have lived my entire life with a fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt and abandoned ... or have I pushed them away because they could point out my bitterness?

If I am bitter -- I am not your typical bitter person. However, I do everything sort of... left of center. I internalize everything. So when a typical bitter person would lash out at the ones that have caused the hurt... I'm the one that says there is something wrong within me to make this person do that. So ... maybe that means I'm not bitter.... ??

Do you see how confused I am? I really just want to get my head together. I need to tear down some walls that have been in place for far too long, uproot some things that have been planted years ago, learn to trust more, love more, give more of myself without fear. You say - oh that sounds easy. But how wrong you are. Those words terrify me. And yet, it must be done in order to heal... in order to finally move on.

Such a heavy topic, and truthfully surprised I acctually typed it here for the world to see. I started this blog in a place where nobody would know me. (that would be another fear of mine -- shhh don't tell). Seems it's easier putting things out there if you know you will never have to face these people. Funny how things work out that this is a form of contact for two of my newest friends. Niiice, but you know -- I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of worrying about what others will think. Maybe I should just got crazy one good time, get it over with. Ha... I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've always had it together. At least outwardly, so how do I go about fixing what is broken inwardly?

*sigh* Too much to think about tonight. The next time we meet will be under more cheerful circumstances. Hopefully get some pics posted and tell you about the wonderful things we did and about my new friends!

Sweet dreams...

Who woulda thunk it?

2008-04-04T19:17:00.000-04:00

So, I just get back from this trip to London and Paris and meet some incredible people who give me their blog information. So I'm checking them out today and decide to set up one of my own. Ha... I already have one!! haha. So, I guess here's my 2nd blog post ever!! =o)

I'm gonna try to get some pictures up here and relay some of what I have written in a paper journal about our travels. And to the one lone comment-er on that last blog like 5,000 centuries ago -- I do appologize and I will try better to do exactly what I set out to do. Share - the one thing I can never do. But I will try.

For now -- still kinda jet lagged and gonna go get some groceries, take a hot bath (and I do mean STEAMING) and head to bed. All that walking in the rain has done a number for my sinuses as well. Hoping to be feeling better tomorrow. We've got newbies working w/ us and I need to be on point.

Asta!

First ever blog

2007-08-09T21:08:00.000-04:00

So, I've not ever had a blog before. Shocking, yes I know! I've attempted to keep the online journal or two, and I do subscribe to the likes of myspace and everyonesconnected. However, never had a place that I really felt I could let out what my heart wanted to let out. There is this fear deep inside of me that people that I know will read what I have written - and then what's a girl to do?

You see, I've done my very best to hid away every thought and every emotion so that nobody is burdened with all my drama. I have family members who do not care what others think and let all their raw emotion hang out there for the world to see. I can't do that. I suppose it's been programed in me that since I'm a christian and I serve God that I'm not alowed to have feelings of depression, helplessness, restlessness, hoplessness ... and the list goes on.

No, I don't want this to be a "my life is so horrible I'm going to slit my wrists" type of blog, because that is not what I feel. I want it to be a place where I can be honest, completely honest with my feelings. No holds bar, no pacifiying, no candy coating - pure raw emotion. Hense the "undisclosed emotion" ... I know what you are thinking - "in your profile you said that you were honest". Yes, I did; and yes, I am. But I hide emotions, bottle them up for fear of hurting you.

So here is a place that I can simply let go. A place where I will strive to be completely honest. (And hope to GOD that nobody I know ever reads - ha!)