A working progress...

Here's something I'm working on for my next session with Miss Carla. I've sorta had writers block, so I've not taken any journaling to her in about 3 weeks. So... I decided to lock myself in the quiet room at work on my lunch today to write, and this is what I've come up with so far. Keep in mind, I have not proof read any of this... and this is probably more personal than I have ever posted on here - or anywhere.

I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…

I feel stuck at work

I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck personally

I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck emotionally

Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck physically

I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.

I feel stuck spiritually

I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.

To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!

I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul

I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.

I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.

It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.