Mother's Day

What to say?  Mother's Day is always tough.  No, I have not lost a child - although I feel the pain of the close friends who deal with that loss so much more today than any other.  No, my mother has not passed away - although, again, I mourn with friends whose grief on this day is crippling to have lost a mother too soon.  Today, I mourn what could have been, what should have been, what simply wasn't.  I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy, especially today, when I see whole, loving families interacting and celebrating.  It makes me sad to know that I cannot bring myself to buy anything but a humorous card for my mother... a sentimental one will just not do.

I have to stop and say at this point that I do love my mother.  It is hard, sometimes, to differentiate between who she is now and who she used to be...

Today, she is loving.  Growing up, I never heard "I love you" unless we were in public.  Today, she tries to be supportive.  Growing up, she was always working late.  Today, I have a hard time pointing to the positive because growing up there was too much negative to get through.

I don't want to get into the details.  I know I should be thankful that today, mom is such a different person, and I am.  It's just hard sometimes and especially today.  A day when we celebrate who mom is.  It's just something that I cannot do.  There is too much pain, too much back story, just ... too much.

So... happy Mother's Day.  Cherish what and who you have.