Anxiety

I went to both services yesterday... and wouldn't you know it - barely had any anxiety.  Jesus must be working overtime on that little request.  ha!  It was nice to be able to enjoy a service - really get to listen and pay attention without having to stop and focus on my breathing.  I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been in that building without a sense of panic, chest pains and shortness of breath.  So that's a good thing.

Yesterday morning was a struggle to get out of bed though.  For months, Sunday has been my day just to sleep.  Sometimes that's all I did.  Getting up at all was a struggle.  I was late to church, but i was there.  Another hindrance for me was the fact that it was Mother's Day.  And of course... the message was about mothers, Godly mothers, the Proverbs 31 kind of mothers.  *sigh*

But Sunday night was about repentance.  And boy did I ever feel caught in the cross-hairs of that message.  He was preaching right down my isle, across my pew and stepping all over my toes.  It was actually a good feeling.  Conviction - It's kind of weird to say it this way, but I've missed feeling convicted about anything.  I've let so many things go.  I've done so many things that I thought I would never do.  It's definitely time to come home.

Mother's Day

What to say?  Mother's Day is always tough.  No, I have not lost a child - although I feel the pain of the close friends who deal with that loss so much more today than any other.  No, my mother has not passed away - although, again, I mourn with friends whose grief on this day is crippling to have lost a mother too soon.  Today, I mourn what could have been, what should have been, what simply wasn't.  I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy, especially today, when I see whole, loving families interacting and celebrating.  It makes me sad to know that I cannot bring myself to buy anything but a humorous card for my mother... a sentimental one will just not do.

I have to stop and say at this point that I do love my mother.  It is hard, sometimes, to differentiate between who she is now and who she used to be...

Today, she is loving.  Growing up, I never heard "I love you" unless we were in public.  Today, she tries to be supportive.  Growing up, she was always working late.  Today, I have a hard time pointing to the positive because growing up there was too much negative to get through.

I don't want to get into the details.  I know I should be thankful that today, mom is such a different person, and I am.  It's just hard sometimes and especially today.  A day when we celebrate who mom is.  It's just something that I cannot do.  There is too much pain, too much back story, just ... too much.

So... happy Mother's Day.  Cherish what and who you have.

Confused...

So I have very recently started attending church again.  The place where I know I should be.  The place where I am home.  The place I feel God in a very real way.  Unfortunately, it is also the place where my family (much drama) attends.  It is also the place that causes great anxiety and panic in me.  It is the place that is strikes fear. Tonight, I found myself short of breath, horrid chest pains and sweat rolling down my back.  So my question is... why?  This is the house of God I'm talking about!  Where the Spirit of God dwells so thick it literally gives me chills.  It is in HIS presence that I feel most comfortable, accepted and loved.  Why must I go through the chest pains, cold sweats and difficulty breathing to get there?  What is so wrong with me that, if you mention church, my heart drops?

My mind raced tonight.... I couldn't stop looking at all the people crammed in that little building.  Well, not so little, but we are running over 500 and squeezing into a 350 seat auditorium.  I kept thinking about how I was trapped and would have to climb over people if I needed to get out.... where are my family... I can feel their eyeballs on me ... what are they thinking?.... what if you can see my tattoo... and my toes are painted!  I forgot I wore flip flops today ... what if they have an altar call (they didn't)... what if he says my name (he did)... what if nobody talks to me after church .... what if somebody does... what am I going to say ... what will they ask.... I'm sure they all think I'm a backslidden heathen.... and on and on it goes...

I know that FAC is home, I know that is where I'm supposed to be - that's why I went back.  But seriously?!  Must I go through this every time I walk in the doors?  It will only be worse Sunday... there will be even MORE people crammed in there.  I don't even want to think about it.  Maybe I have some claustrophobia mixed with some social anxiety?  Who knows ... I just know that if God does not see fit to help me with this... it's gonna be a long row to hoe.

*sigh*  I'll do it though.  I'll tough it out.  Like my pastor's wife said ... David feared the prospect of not praising God more than he did the lions.  So why am I going to let a little anxiety - okay, a LOT of anxiety - get in the way of praising my God?  of living my life for Him?  of cultivating a relationship with Him?

Going Home...

Well... I'd nearly forgotten about this blog here... wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has happened since I 'saw' you last.  I won't even attempt to update, I just want a fresh start.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and some changes are going to need to take place in my life.  First, and always most importantly, I need to get back in a right relationship with God.  I have stayed away to long.  I don't know when it started really... maybe I never truly had it right.  Every relationship in my life is held at arm's distance, including God.  I'm not even sure what a real, open, honest relationship looks like.  I know that this is a familiar mountain that I've been walking around for a very long time, but seriously, how do I learn something that I've never been taught?  I guess that it's time I find out.

I just got off the phone (well, texting) with my pastor's wife.  Yes, I still call her my pastor's wife even though I've not been to church in months.  It's a long sordid story that I will not bore you with, but I will say that anxiety and family drama has kept me from coming back.  I've come to the point that I just want to come home.  I'm scared to death, but I need to come home.  I can't do this - any of this - on my own.  I never could, but I definitely cannot do it anymore.

So, I agreed to come back Wednesday.  Pray saints, Pray.

I've been working on a project for my therapist.  She wanted to tap into something deeper, so with me it's always writing.  She had me write for about 10 minutes.  I wrote about feeling like I was in a middle of a huge crossroad.  One with many, many choices of travel.  But in this huge, circular crossroad, you cannot see the other paths while you are standing in front of one.  They all have meaning, they all have direction, they all have something that needs to be done, accomplished, fixed, attended to...etc. they all need to be traveled.  The problem is - I'm not just walking or standing in this road - I feel like I'm being dragged around and around this circle of choices.  I just want it to stop.  I just want to stop and breathe, but no matter how much I claw at the dirt, the dragging keeps on.

That is what I have been feeling like lately.  That I've just been drug through the muck and the mire.  I'm dirty, disoriented and bruised.  I don't know what my next move should be, where to go next, what to focus on first... so I continue to do nothing and get beaten up some more.  Well, it's got to stop.  So, I'm making some changes.  The first being, getting back to church.

I've been in this place before - where I have said that I'm getting things together.  I don't even want to say that this time I mean it, because I have always meant it.  I just know that I can't do this any longer.  Somehow, I have to learn to put my entire trust in God.  No holds bar.  I have to learn how to have a real relationship.  I have to learn, after all these years, to trust, to love...

I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I guess I will have to continue to surround myself with the right people and be vigilant.  I know that Satan is going to throw all that he can at me... including the panic attacks and anxiety that I know will come on Wednesday.  I can already feel it building.  I just don't know what else to do than to go home....

Unchartered Territory

So I took a step of faith this week. I had a very long conversation with a family member about some very personal thoughts and feelings, and to my surprise... was actually met with understanding and compassion. Totally not the reaction I was was expecting, and I really never set out to have this conversation - it just kinda happened. Very interesting to say the least. It's weird having someone else know my thoughts, know my struggles. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like at any moment, my "secret" could be out. My skeletons could be ripped from my closet and cast out into the middle of the room for the whole world to see, and I have no control over it - this family member does. This is a very strange place for me to be. I guess all we can do now is buckle up and hold on and see what happens.

Oh the week (or two) I've had...

Definitely needing to vent... or something. Not really sure. I've had, for lack of better word, a very - overwhelming - week. Well, two weeks. It started about a week and a half ago.

I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?

So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.

If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...

It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.

How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....

Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...

My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.

Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).

Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!

*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....

Updates...

bad blogger! yeah, I know... I've been awful. I've been writing a lot in a paper journal so that leaves this blog sort of unattended. I suppose I could type things in here after I write them... there is a possibility. Anyhow - a few quick updates before I pass out. soooo tired today for some reason.

Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!

I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.

Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!

I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.

Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*

Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!

Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.

So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.