Interesting...

Sooo... remember several postings ago when I had lost a blog entry due to some crazy computer problem? Well, I found today under the whole manage blogs thingy, that it automatically saves all your drafts. Cool huh? So, I finished the thought (what I could remember of that thought from months ago) and published it. Problem is... it saved it as the day I first started it. So... It's back in June and it's entitled "wow". So... feel free to go back and read.

Anyhow - as far as updates here goes.... Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I got a roommate. That means, for all the SAM folks out there - Jennifer DEFINITELY going to Greece! That is ... if I can work out the vacation time deal and can save for it, which should not be a problem since I have the new roomie to help me out.

Kinda weird sharing my space. I've very much been a loner all my life, I'm fiercely independent, and have lived by myself for 3 years. Not to mention, even when I lived with grammie and grampie for 2 years I was pretty much on my own; and then the 4 years at IBC (the majority of the time I did not have a roommate).

So... this week Carla gave me some homework, and I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to do it. I let her in on an image that I've had for quite sometime and never shared with anyone. I wrote in my journal about this little girl. Well... let me just copy and paste for ya:

"I have this image in my mind of a little girl, holding what should be a solid heart shaped object; except, her heart is not whole. She has worked feverishly to put back together the broken pieces to form the outside shape, in fact, it’s so good that you cannot tell it was ever broken until you take a look inside. All that is left inside are shattered pieces of what was once whole. That’s kinda how I see myself approaching God. With my shattered little heart, hoping I’ve put it together just right and too scared to tell Him what happened to the rest."

So... my assignment this week is to "talk more about that". Ha - she says that a lot. She wants me to write more about these pieces and identify them. She said I could draw it or make something more 3D or just write.

She also correlated my chest pains to that of a cutter. She said that cutters self mutilate for one of two reasons. Either (1) they want to see a physical representation of the pain they feel on the inside, or (2) they cannot feel anything so they cut to make themselves feel something. She said that it could be that my chest pains are a manifestation of the pain that I've got going on deep down inside. So, she wants me to think about and write about what my other body parts would say to the pain in my chest. Not sure what to do with that one. I've got several ideas rolling around in my brain about they whole heart thing, but I don't know which direction I will go with. I'll start with writing because that is what I'm good at. That I can handle. It's the talking about what she reads that is difficult.

She says that I'm doing a great job and that she can see the progress that I'm making. I... just don't see it, I don't feel it, I just don't know. But I'm plugging away. She constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself. ha-- I know that, but I also know that I know no other way of being.

*yawn* well, I've been awful this week and not gotten my tail to the gym at all. I'm shooting some t Body Pump at 6 tomorrow. That means I've gotta be up and going in about 5 hours. So I had best be trying to get some sleep. Don't know if it will work - got too much bouncing around in this little brain of mine.

Asta!

The day from Hades!!!

Ugh! I am soooooooooooooooo glad to be home after the day I've had. I swear, I am going to stab some people. Family members, coworkers, and at this point... just a random stranger. ha! I'm kidding - I would NEVER actually harm someone, but I sure do feel like it sometimes! I have reached my tolerance level for a couple of guys at work. I'm tired of the "woe is me" routine and the constant flow of negativity that comes out of their mouths. One guys has been on crazy leave for almost two months. While he was gone, we have to do his work - he's been back for one full week and guess what? Exactly -- back to the negativity, outrageous outbursts, irrational behavior, mumbling and talking to himself, threats of suicide and violence toward others... I've had it. Completely DONE with it. I don't see why I am required to deal with this, why I have to be subjected to that sort of behavior. We are all adults, we are all going through our own personal battles -- suck it up and take like a man, sit down, shut up and do your job so you can go home and not bother me. haha... is that too much to ask?

Seriously, Joann is facing the thought of every living member of her family moving away - like, states away. Meggan is facing her own personal battles and is a little confused right now as to what to do with her life. I am happy to say she has been going to church with me quite a bit lately and that she has agreed to meet with Sis C. before church Wednesday to discuss a Bible Study and other issues she is having. Travis has got some health issues going on. Andrea has just moved into her own house for the first time ever and is adjusting to that. Lloyd has twins that are ALWAYS sick. Vanisia is having LOTS of health issues and her own mental health issues. I have been going through whatever this funk is as well as some medical things. My point is, we all have our issues and things that we are dealing with. So why is it that Matt and Andy get to come in and spew forth negativity for 8 hours straight and the rest of us are expected to sit there and take it?! I'm sorry... I'm done.

Beyond that - I'm just wore out. I'm at an emotional low right now, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I just wanna wallow in it - and that's not healthy. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am getting nowhere with Carla. Even though she says it's going good - I just feel more and more unsure and uneasy. My current wonderings are this... There are deeply painful things in my past that must be addressed and healed in order for me to move on. Is it possible to dig these things up, deal with them, forgive those people, allow God to heal those places and move on without having to actually speak to those people about it?? I'm not sure that is possible. In fact, I highly doubt it. I know that I'm probably FAAAARRRR from that point, but the thought and fear is still there. But, among other things, that is weighing on my mind right now.

I have, however, managed to wear myself out to the point that I'm about to fall asleep. So... I'd better take Sugar to pee and head that way. Don't know if I'll make it to Body Pump in the morning, but it's my half day -- so I could go to the 4:25 class again this week. Hmmm....

New Things...

Alright.... so.... I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. I, Miss Fiercely Independent, am getting a roommate. Yep, you read it right, I am welcoming someone into my home to LIVE. I haven't decided if I'm really excited about it or not. Amy is moving here from Georgia, and is moving for the specific purpose of attending my church. She picked church first, then where she was living, then found a job. ha! She is a Pediatric Nurses so it wasn't too difficult to find a position. So she moves in August first. Between now and then I've got some moving around to do. The biggest problem I am having with her moving is her putting her things in my grandma's furniture. If you open the drawers, you can still smell her - and I'm not ready for that to go away. So, she agreed to bring her own furniture, and I'm going to move that set into my music room and set that up as a guest bedroom so we will have a place for people to stay when they come to visit. LOTS of moving around to do. Piano has got to find a place to go, then wherever I put that whatever was there has to find a place to go... and so on. haha.

In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.

I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.

So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.

Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.

New Book

Soo.... the long anticipated wait for my book "Captivating" has finally arrived. I read probably 50 or so pages while at work today already and can't wait to get back to it. I stopped reading at the chapter called "wounded" because I just felt as if a squalling session was in my future. Didn't really wanna do that in between collection calls - somehow, I don't think that would be okay with my boss, my co-workers, or my customers.

I really like it so far. If any woman reading this has not read it - I HIGHLY recommend it so far. Just over look the two references to the trinity and you are good.

I really liked how they reviewed the creation story. It was talking about how every great work of art or piece of music is a crescendo. It is building to the most important aspect. It made the reference that creation was building, each creature was more beautiful and complex than the last. Man was made in God's image, and yet His creation was not yet good - it was not until he made woman that creation was complete. It said that the world could not be complete until woman was made. How powerful is that? The book calls us "the crown of creation". How cool is that.

My favorite part so far is when they talk about the scripture when God decided to make Adam a companion. In the original text it is "ezer kenegdo". The book says that the Hebrew scholar Robert Alter says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". English words that some have used have been 'helper', 'companion', or 'help meet'. But it goes on to say that the word "ezer" has only been used in 20 other passages in the Old Testament, and each time the person being described was God himself, when you need Him to come through for you desperately. So Alter translates the phrase "sustainer beside him". So.. .by definition, we are made to be a lifesaver to man. We are needed that much. Wow... that is sooo powerful.

More to come in the future. Reading this book has been... well, it's just been an eye opener. At times I swear it's like they are taking the ramblings of my very soul and typing them out before my eyes to read. It's a comfort to know that what I feel is not uncommon. My therapist told me the other day not to worry that I was far from crazy and she will not have me admitted. HAHA... I can't help it - it's a fear. It's weird to feel ashamed for so many years about thoughts and feelings that go on in the privacy of your own mind, to learn in an instant that every woman deals with the same emotions and feelings at some point and on some level. wow. Kinds dumb struck at the moment.

Well, my bladder is about to bust, and I can't wait to get back to my book. Asta...

Frustrated

So... I'm a little frustrated today.

Do you ever have a moment, or time, in your life where you know you should do something, but just cannot bring yourself to do it? That is where I am at in my life.

Through this whole therapy process, I have learned a whole lot in a very short amount of time. My entire life I grew up and up until recently in my (yes very short) adult life have ... well, I've held onto a lot of hurt, disappointment, and even blame for my dad. I mistakenly thought that he was the main focus of why I am the way that I am, and why I am dealing with all of these thoughts and feelings. What I have learned is... it wasn't his fault. I have blamed him for so many years and I have held him as my #1 issue for so long; that it feels weird that he's no longer in the top spot. By no means am I saying that we have everything resolved - in fact, far from it; but I am starting to see absolutely EVERYTHING from a different perspective and in a different light. It's amazing how much small pieces of information can change, basically my entire life.

What I have learned is quite disturbing. It has shown me the depths of selfishness. And it has taken me to a whole other level of the craziness that I knew as my mother. Carla thinks from what I have told her, and from an email that I gave to her from Lynz, that mom could have (or still is) suffering from a personality disorder. When I think of personality disorders, I think of Cybil - you know... the woman that had like 7 different personalities. They all had names and different characteristics. But she said generally you have "all good" and "all bad".

I don't talk about my mom, or how it was growing up for the simple fact that she is so different now. And herein lies the part where I'm torn. I feel like, eventually, I'm going to have to confront her with all of these emotions, hurts, anger ... what have you. It's just ... I don't think that I can.... ever. I was talking to her today, and it's harder to carry on a conversation with this woman with all that I have learned about her - or forced myself to remember. She was truly awful growing up. And I know that no mother is perfect, and we all have issues with our mama's.. but you just don't know the depths of this woman's manipulation and down right craziness.

I was listening to her today talk about a cousin of mine who is struggling right now with some mental issues and trying to get her meds straight. And Lynsey if you breath a word of this to anyone I'll cut you... But I sat there while she said, you know, sometimes I just get the feeling that she's putting on. Okay, first of all -- crazy lady -- you have no right commenting on the sanity of anyone, nor pass judgment on whether or not they are being genuine. Queen of psychoville and pretend we're from normalsville. Second... there is no way anyone is going to fake a mental illness to the point that they voluntarily put themselves through HELL trying different meds that make you more crazy until you can get better. AND no one is going to fake needing a little help when they are so consumed with hurt, anger, pain, rejection, grief, abuse and God only knows what else that they are confined to a hospital room until they can stop clawing at their own flesh. Whatever - just be there for her. You know what she's went through... leave her alone and let her get the help she needs.

UGH!! That was so not my point, but that's what got me thinking. She's never been confronted with her actions... not by me anyway. She's walking on in her life as if we were this peachy, hunky-dory, everything was wonderful family... and it was far from that. I think that there needs to be discussions and things talked about, and questions answered. But I am FAR from that place.

Besides having a week from Hades... haha. I was counting down the days until Monday nights session. That's pretty bad. haha. I really did loose my mind in the doctor's office this week. I couldn't breath, my chest was pounding (was already hurting), and the left side of my face went numb... I was a little upset. Anyhow... I think I'm gonna soak in the tub for a bit and head to bed.

p.s. Please keep Sis. Millie Coursey in your prayers. She's kept a fever the last couple days and have had to give her 2 units of blood. Her spirits are really down, and that is the most disheartening. She is refusing visitors. Please pray for her quick recovery.

Prayer Request

Millie Coursey - a DEAR saint in our church - has been diagnosed with Cancer. She is my good friend Danielle's mother, and precious to me! Two weeks ago, she noticed a knot in her side and it grew massively. Finally the pain go so unbearable that she went to the emergency room knowing her insurance junk was not straightened out yet. (It is now)

Long story short, they found a mass so large in her side that they could not tell where it was attached to, if it was attached to anything, or even what organs it was affecting. This was Sunday when she went into the hospital, and today (Thursday) they had surgery to remove it. They ended up taking out the mass, her ovaries, and part of her colon. They were able to remove 90-95% of it, and then put in a port so that they can do localized Chemo. They don't have to do it through her bloodstream so there will be less side effects.

They obviously are sending off for tests, but since the tumor had started attacking organs and eating through her colon, they are saying that is typical of stage four. So... please pray for Sis. Coursey and her daughter Danielle. They have no family in the area, closest is in Delaware and it's distant family. So they need a lot of prayers and support right now.

A quick update...

In the way of updates... just wanted to put in here some results of the recent doctor's visits. I hate doctors... have I mentioned that? Well, I do.

Any how... they scheduled an Endoscopy last week to make sure that my chest pains were not being caused by anything gastrointestinal. And among other concerns... Dr. Cline said that he found a place in my stomach that was hemorrhaging. Niiice. My guts are bleeding. Great.

And I'm not quit sure if it's the whole mind over matter thing, but ever since that appointment I've noticed that I've had sharp pains in my stomach. And lasting pain, not just one stab and it's gone. Not too excited about that. Dr. Cline didn't seem to concerned though, so I'm really not sure.

The "other conscerns" (which I will not get into) could be a huge financial straign. Basically, the doctor he want to refer me to is not currently covered by my insurance. They want a HUGE new patient set up fee before they will even submit for pre-approval from my insurance. I have found a cheaper route, but I'd have to travel quite a ways to get there. Confused yet?

Bottom line - either *a* my insurance covers it and I can take care of it locally; *b* I travel, cheaper doctor, time off work, possibly hotel costs; *c* do nothing and problem could be sever. What's a girl to do??

Well, I'm about to pass out - have been home for about 20 min or so and have been on the road since about 6am this morning. sooo tired. Will give ya details about the Single Conference and Family Reunion later... gonna.... go... to.... zzzzzzzZZZZzzZZZzzZZzZZZZzz