Frustrated

So... I'm a little frustrated today.

Do you ever have a moment, or time, in your life where you know you should do something, but just cannot bring yourself to do it? That is where I am at in my life.

Through this whole therapy process, I have learned a whole lot in a very short amount of time. My entire life I grew up and up until recently in my (yes very short) adult life have ... well, I've held onto a lot of hurt, disappointment, and even blame for my dad. I mistakenly thought that he was the main focus of why I am the way that I am, and why I am dealing with all of these thoughts and feelings. What I have learned is... it wasn't his fault. I have blamed him for so many years and I have held him as my #1 issue for so long; that it feels weird that he's no longer in the top spot. By no means am I saying that we have everything resolved - in fact, far from it; but I am starting to see absolutely EVERYTHING from a different perspective and in a different light. It's amazing how much small pieces of information can change, basically my entire life.

What I have learned is quite disturbing. It has shown me the depths of selfishness. And it has taken me to a whole other level of the craziness that I knew as my mother. Carla thinks from what I have told her, and from an email that I gave to her from Lynz, that mom could have (or still is) suffering from a personality disorder. When I think of personality disorders, I think of Cybil - you know... the woman that had like 7 different personalities. They all had names and different characteristics. But she said generally you have "all good" and "all bad".

I don't talk about my mom, or how it was growing up for the simple fact that she is so different now. And herein lies the part where I'm torn. I feel like, eventually, I'm going to have to confront her with all of these emotions, hurts, anger ... what have you. It's just ... I don't think that I can.... ever. I was talking to her today, and it's harder to carry on a conversation with this woman with all that I have learned about her - or forced myself to remember. She was truly awful growing up. And I know that no mother is perfect, and we all have issues with our mama's.. but you just don't know the depths of this woman's manipulation and down right craziness.

I was listening to her today talk about a cousin of mine who is struggling right now with some mental issues and trying to get her meds straight. And Lynsey if you breath a word of this to anyone I'll cut you... But I sat there while she said, you know, sometimes I just get the feeling that she's putting on. Okay, first of all -- crazy lady -- you have no right commenting on the sanity of anyone, nor pass judgment on whether or not they are being genuine. Queen of psychoville and pretend we're from normalsville. Second... there is no way anyone is going to fake a mental illness to the point that they voluntarily put themselves through HELL trying different meds that make you more crazy until you can get better. AND no one is going to fake needing a little help when they are so consumed with hurt, anger, pain, rejection, grief, abuse and God only knows what else that they are confined to a hospital room until they can stop clawing at their own flesh. Whatever - just be there for her. You know what she's went through... leave her alone and let her get the help she needs.

UGH!! That was so not my point, but that's what got me thinking. She's never been confronted with her actions... not by me anyway. She's walking on in her life as if we were this peachy, hunky-dory, everything was wonderful family... and it was far from that. I think that there needs to be discussions and things talked about, and questions answered. But I am FAR from that place.

Besides having a week from Hades... haha. I was counting down the days until Monday nights session. That's pretty bad. haha. I really did loose my mind in the doctor's office this week. I couldn't breath, my chest was pounding (was already hurting), and the left side of my face went numb... I was a little upset. Anyhow... I think I'm gonna soak in the tub for a bit and head to bed.

p.s. Please keep Sis. Millie Coursey in your prayers. She's kept a fever the last couple days and have had to give her 2 units of blood. Her spirits are really down, and that is the most disheartening. She is refusing visitors. Please pray for her quick recovery.