Alright.... so.... I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. I, Miss Fiercely Independent, am getting a roommate. Yep, you read it right, I am welcoming someone into my home to LIVE. I haven't decided if I'm really excited about it or not. Amy is moving here from Georgia, and is moving for the specific purpose of attending my church. She picked church first, then where she was living, then found a job. ha! She is a Pediatric Nurses so it wasn't too difficult to find a position. So she moves in August first. Between now and then I've got some moving around to do. The biggest problem I am having with her moving is her putting her things in my grandma's furniture. If you open the drawers, you can still smell her - and I'm not ready for that to go away. So, she agreed to bring her own furniture, and I'm going to move that set into my music room and set that up as a guest bedroom so we will have a place for people to stay when they come to visit. LOTS of moving around to do. Piano has got to find a place to go, then wherever I put that whatever was there has to find a place to go... and so on. haha.
In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.
I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.
So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.
Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.
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