What an amazing, terrifying and emotional journey I am on. Have you ever heard God speak to you. I mean, clearly, no doubt, has-to-be-God kind of talking to? That is me. I've been wrapped up in what I will call an addiction for most of my life. A very private addiction and one that I thought, not only would no body ever 'find out', but that I was not hurting anybody so who would really care. What I have found, is that I am hurting me. By turning to this addiction, I am neglecting to work on me and my recovery. By turning to this addiction, I am "running" from problems when they should be faced and dealt with. So, I have been called out by God and He has taken the time to get my attention and convict my heart toward this addiction like never before. It's time to lay it down.
Along with this I am waging a war against my addiction to food. This is a tough one. I can't just set it down and walk away. I have to eat. Just as the previous addiction, I turn to food to comfort, soothe, or make the day go away. I find happiness in eating. I am happy when my belly is full. I've made a habit of the phrase "my belly is happy". I have got to gain control of this. My weight and my unhealthy habits of compulsive eating have gotten out of control. Correction: they have been out of control for a long time. Something has to be done.
So, with that being said... I have joined a 12-step group at my Monday night's Celebrate Recovery. I've started the step work, and I can tell you that it is bringing up all kinds of emotions. It's tough. I don't like talking about family secrets and how deep my denial goes. Revisiting family of origin drama and rehashing old wounds is difficult. But what I'm finding is that those wounds have not healed properly. I have not allowed myself to properly heal. I have only ignored things like I have done my entire life.
I have a lot of work to do, and a long road is set before me. But I have a feeling that I am going to be okay. And hopefully, I'll become a happier, healthier person in the process.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Puppies
I watch my puppies playing tonight and I wonder if God sits in heaven with that much delight. I don't have children, so I cannot successfully make that analogy, but the love I have for these little creatures...
I watch them as they play with each other. I watch their curiosity of new things and unexplored nooks and crannies in the house. I see that they like to poop wherever they take a notion to and pee wherever it is they are standing when it hits them. I come home to shoes being chewed, toilet paper having been shredded, and the puppy pad (the attempt at potty training) crinkled up in the corner. I also come home to three tails waging, over-excited hopping around and tons of welcome home kisses.
So I wonder if that is sort of like our relationship with God. Does he sit at the edge of heaven, like I do the edge of my bed, and watch His children play? Does He watch us explore new things and giggle at our curiosity? When we daily make a mess of our lives does He get that same "what am I gonna do with them" kind of feeling? Does He quickly forgive knowing that we just don't know any better? And how much are we like these three little tail-waggers? When the presence of God enters the room, how do we respond? Do our tails wag? Do we shower Him with kisses?
So I guess my eyes are a little more opened tonight. Love has always been a tough subject for me, but tonight a little clearer. How much do I love these little guys? A whole lot. How much MORE does God love me?
Monday, May 14, 2012
Anxiety
I went to both services yesterday... and wouldn't you know it - barely had any anxiety. Jesus must be working overtime on that little request. ha! It was nice to be able to enjoy a service - really get to listen and pay attention without having to stop and focus on my breathing. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been in that building without a sense of panic, chest pains and shortness of breath. So that's a good thing.
Yesterday morning was a struggle to get out of bed though. For months, Sunday has been my day just to sleep. Sometimes that's all I did. Getting up at all was a struggle. I was late to church, but i was there. Another hindrance for me was the fact that it was Mother's Day. And of course... the message was about mothers, Godly mothers, the Proverbs 31 kind of mothers. *sigh*
But Sunday night was about repentance. And boy did I ever feel caught in the cross-hairs of that message. He was preaching right down my isle, across my pew and stepping all over my toes. It was actually a good feeling. Conviction - It's kind of weird to say it this way, but I've missed feeling convicted about anything. I've let so many things go. I've done so many things that I thought I would never do. It's definitely time to come home.
Yesterday morning was a struggle to get out of bed though. For months, Sunday has been my day just to sleep. Sometimes that's all I did. Getting up at all was a struggle. I was late to church, but i was there. Another hindrance for me was the fact that it was Mother's Day. And of course... the message was about mothers, Godly mothers, the Proverbs 31 kind of mothers. *sigh*
But Sunday night was about repentance. And boy did I ever feel caught in the cross-hairs of that message. He was preaching right down my isle, across my pew and stepping all over my toes. It was actually a good feeling. Conviction - It's kind of weird to say it this way, but I've missed feeling convicted about anything. I've let so many things go. I've done so many things that I thought I would never do. It's definitely time to come home.
Mother's Day
What to say? Mother's Day is always tough. No, I have not lost a child - although I feel the pain of the close friends who deal with that loss so much more today than any other. No, my mother has not passed away - although, again, I mourn with friends whose grief on this day is crippling to have lost a mother too soon. Today, I mourn what could have been, what should have been, what simply wasn't. I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy, especially today, when I see whole, loving families interacting and celebrating. It makes me sad to know that I cannot bring myself to buy anything but a humorous card for my mother... a sentimental one will just not do.
I have to stop and say at this point that I do love my mother. It is hard, sometimes, to differentiate between who she is now and who she used to be...
Today, she is loving. Growing up, I never heard "I love you" unless we were in public. Today, she tries to be supportive. Growing up, she was always working late. Today, I have a hard time pointing to the positive because growing up there was too much negative to get through.
I don't want to get into the details. I know I should be thankful that today, mom is such a different person, and I am. It's just hard sometimes and especially today. A day when we celebrate who mom is. It's just something that I cannot do. There is too much pain, too much back story, just ... too much.
So... happy Mother's Day. Cherish what and who you have.
I have to stop and say at this point that I do love my mother. It is hard, sometimes, to differentiate between who she is now and who she used to be...
Today, she is loving. Growing up, I never heard "I love you" unless we were in public. Today, she tries to be supportive. Growing up, she was always working late. Today, I have a hard time pointing to the positive because growing up there was too much negative to get through.
I don't want to get into the details. I know I should be thankful that today, mom is such a different person, and I am. It's just hard sometimes and especially today. A day when we celebrate who mom is. It's just something that I cannot do. There is too much pain, too much back story, just ... too much.
So... happy Mother's Day. Cherish what and who you have.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Confused...
So I have very recently started attending church again. The place where I know I should be. The place where I am home. The place I feel God in a very real way. Unfortunately, it is also the place where my family (much drama) attends. It is also the place that causes great anxiety and panic in me. It is the place that is strikes fear. Tonight, I found myself short of breath, horrid chest pains and sweat rolling down my back. So my question is... why? This is the house of God I'm talking about! Where the Spirit of God dwells so thick it literally gives me chills. It is in HIS presence that I feel most comfortable, accepted and loved. Why must I go through the chest pains, cold sweats and difficulty breathing to get there? What is so wrong with me that, if you mention church, my heart drops?
My mind raced tonight.... I couldn't stop looking at all the people crammed in that little building. Well, not so little, but we are running over 500 and squeezing into a 350 seat auditorium. I kept thinking about how I was trapped and would have to climb over people if I needed to get out.... where are my family... I can feel their eyeballs on me ... what are they thinking?.... what if you can see my tattoo... and my toes are painted! I forgot I wore flip flops today ... what if they have an altar call (they didn't)... what if he says my name (he did)... what if nobody talks to me after church .... what if somebody does... what am I going to say ... what will they ask.... I'm sure they all think I'm a backslidden heathen.... and on and on it goes...
I know that FAC is home, I know that is where I'm supposed to be - that's why I went back. But seriously?! Must I go through this every time I walk in the doors? It will only be worse Sunday... there will be even MORE people crammed in there. I don't even want to think about it. Maybe I have some claustrophobia mixed with some social anxiety? Who knows ... I just know that if God does not see fit to help me with this... it's gonna be a long row to hoe.
*sigh* I'll do it though. I'll tough it out. Like my pastor's wife said ... David feared the prospect of not praising God more than he did the lions. So why am I going to let a little anxiety - okay, a LOT of anxiety - get in the way of praising my God? of living my life for Him? of cultivating a relationship with Him?
My mind raced tonight.... I couldn't stop looking at all the people crammed in that little building. Well, not so little, but we are running over 500 and squeezing into a 350 seat auditorium. I kept thinking about how I was trapped and would have to climb over people if I needed to get out.... where are my family... I can feel their eyeballs on me ... what are they thinking?.... what if you can see my tattoo... and my toes are painted! I forgot I wore flip flops today ... what if they have an altar call (they didn't)... what if he says my name (he did)... what if nobody talks to me after church .... what if somebody does... what am I going to say ... what will they ask.... I'm sure they all think I'm a backslidden heathen.... and on and on it goes...
I know that FAC is home, I know that is where I'm supposed to be - that's why I went back. But seriously?! Must I go through this every time I walk in the doors? It will only be worse Sunday... there will be even MORE people crammed in there. I don't even want to think about it. Maybe I have some claustrophobia mixed with some social anxiety? Who knows ... I just know that if God does not see fit to help me with this... it's gonna be a long row to hoe.
*sigh* I'll do it though. I'll tough it out. Like my pastor's wife said ... David feared the prospect of not praising God more than he did the lions. So why am I going to let a little anxiety - okay, a LOT of anxiety - get in the way of praising my God? of living my life for Him? of cultivating a relationship with Him?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Going Home...
Well... I'd nearly forgotten about this blog here... wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything here. A lot has happened since I 'saw' you last. I won't even attempt to update, I just want a fresh start.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and some changes are going to need to take place in my life. First, and always most importantly, I need to get back in a right relationship with God. I have stayed away to long. I don't know when it started really... maybe I never truly had it right. Every relationship in my life is held at arm's distance, including God. I'm not even sure what a real, open, honest relationship looks like. I know that this is a familiar mountain that I've been walking around for a very long time, but seriously, how do I learn something that I've never been taught? I guess that it's time I find out.
I just got off the phone (well, texting) with my pastor's wife. Yes, I still call her my pastor's wife even though I've not been to church in months. It's a long sordid story that I will not bore you with, but I will say that anxiety and family drama has kept me from coming back. I've come to the point that I just want to come home. I'm scared to death, but I need to come home. I can't do this - any of this - on my own. I never could, but I definitely cannot do it anymore.
So, I agreed to come back Wednesday. Pray saints, Pray.
I've been working on a project for my therapist. She wanted to tap into something deeper, so with me it's always writing. She had me write for about 10 minutes. I wrote about feeling like I was in a middle of a huge crossroad. One with many, many choices of travel. But in this huge, circular crossroad, you cannot see the other paths while you are standing in front of one. They all have meaning, they all have direction, they all have something that needs to be done, accomplished, fixed, attended to...etc. they all need to be traveled. The problem is - I'm not just walking or standing in this road - I feel like I'm being dragged around and around this circle of choices. I just want it to stop. I just want to stop and breathe, but no matter how much I claw at the dirt, the dragging keeps on.
That is what I have been feeling like lately. That I've just been drug through the muck and the mire. I'm dirty, disoriented and bruised. I don't know what my next move should be, where to go next, what to focus on first... so I continue to do nothing and get beaten up some more. Well, it's got to stop. So, I'm making some changes. The first being, getting back to church.
I've been in this place before - where I have said that I'm getting things together. I don't even want to say that this time I mean it, because I have always meant it. I just know that I can't do this any longer. Somehow, I have to learn to put my entire trust in God. No holds bar. I have to learn how to have a real relationship. I have to learn, after all these years, to trust, to love...
I don't know how I'm going to do it. I guess I will have to continue to surround myself with the right people and be vigilant. I know that Satan is going to throw all that he can at me... including the panic attacks and anxiety that I know will come on Wednesday. I can already feel it building. I just don't know what else to do than to go home....
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and some changes are going to need to take place in my life. First, and always most importantly, I need to get back in a right relationship with God. I have stayed away to long. I don't know when it started really... maybe I never truly had it right. Every relationship in my life is held at arm's distance, including God. I'm not even sure what a real, open, honest relationship looks like. I know that this is a familiar mountain that I've been walking around for a very long time, but seriously, how do I learn something that I've never been taught? I guess that it's time I find out.
I just got off the phone (well, texting) with my pastor's wife. Yes, I still call her my pastor's wife even though I've not been to church in months. It's a long sordid story that I will not bore you with, but I will say that anxiety and family drama has kept me from coming back. I've come to the point that I just want to come home. I'm scared to death, but I need to come home. I can't do this - any of this - on my own. I never could, but I definitely cannot do it anymore.
So, I agreed to come back Wednesday. Pray saints, Pray.
I've been working on a project for my therapist. She wanted to tap into something deeper, so with me it's always writing. She had me write for about 10 minutes. I wrote about feeling like I was in a middle of a huge crossroad. One with many, many choices of travel. But in this huge, circular crossroad, you cannot see the other paths while you are standing in front of one. They all have meaning, they all have direction, they all have something that needs to be done, accomplished, fixed, attended to...etc. they all need to be traveled. The problem is - I'm not just walking or standing in this road - I feel like I'm being dragged around and around this circle of choices. I just want it to stop. I just want to stop and breathe, but no matter how much I claw at the dirt, the dragging keeps on.
That is what I have been feeling like lately. That I've just been drug through the muck and the mire. I'm dirty, disoriented and bruised. I don't know what my next move should be, where to go next, what to focus on first... so I continue to do nothing and get beaten up some more. Well, it's got to stop. So, I'm making some changes. The first being, getting back to church.
I've been in this place before - where I have said that I'm getting things together. I don't even want to say that this time I mean it, because I have always meant it. I just know that I can't do this any longer. Somehow, I have to learn to put my entire trust in God. No holds bar. I have to learn how to have a real relationship. I have to learn, after all these years, to trust, to love...
I don't know how I'm going to do it. I guess I will have to continue to surround myself with the right people and be vigilant. I know that Satan is going to throw all that he can at me... including the panic attacks and anxiety that I know will come on Wednesday. I can already feel it building. I just don't know what else to do than to go home....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Unchartered Territory
So I took a step of faith this week. I had a very long conversation with a family member about some very personal thoughts and feelings, and to my surprise... was actually met with understanding and compassion. Totally not the reaction I was was expecting, and I really never set out to have this conversation - it just kinda happened. Very interesting to say the least. It's weird having someone else know my thoughts, know my struggles. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like at any moment, my "secret" could be out. My skeletons could be ripped from my closet and cast out into the middle of the room for the whole world to see, and I have no control over it - this family member does. This is a very strange place for me to be. I guess all we can do now is buckle up and hold on and see what happens.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Oh the week (or two) I've had...
Definitely needing to vent... or something. Not really sure. I've had, for lack of better word, a very - overwhelming - week. Well, two weeks. It started about a week and a half ago.
I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?
So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.
If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...
It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.
How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....
Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...
My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.
Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).
Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!
*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....
I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?
So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.
If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...
It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.
How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....
Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...
My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.
Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).
Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!
*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Updates...
bad blogger! yeah, I know... I've been awful. I've been writing a lot in a paper journal so that leaves this blog sort of unattended. I suppose I could type things in here after I write them... there is a possibility. Anyhow - a few quick updates before I pass out. soooo tired today for some reason.
Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!
I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.
Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!
I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.
Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*
Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!
Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.
So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!
I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.
Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!
I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.
Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*
Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!
Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.
So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Guess what I got?!?
A few days early, but definitely excited about my brand spakin' new birthday presents!!! First, my mom sent me a new computer which was just in the nick of time because I was definitely about the chuck this stupid laptop through the window. ha! Sometime last year, one of the computers at the bookstore crashed and we took my CPU and used it there. Mom promised to either help me with my trip to Paris/London or replace my computer. Well... neither happened until today! Sooo excited. It was just the tower and extras, no monitor because I still have my old one. Eventually, I will buy a flat screen monitor.
What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.
My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!
Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!
What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.
My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!
Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I've been tagged!!
I was tagged by Gayla: http://gaylasgabfest.blogspot.com/
Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers
6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...
1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)
2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar
3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish
4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!
5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...
6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.
I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!
Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers
6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...
1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)
2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar
3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish
4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!
5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...
6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.
I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The details...
So... This weekend was our Women's Espirit Conference. About 2-3 months ago my friend Meggan from work started coming to church with me. Bless her heart - my heart breaks for her. I see a lot of myself in her and more importantly I see where I could have ended up. I was (and sometimes still am) painfully shy, backward, very self conscience, low self-esteem, low self-worth... and the list goes on. I have watched Meggan in these past few months begin to change herself. She's lost some weight, taking care of her body, she kicked a very controlling boyfriend to the curb - well, she left the apartment. I have watched her transform. When she started coming to church with me, I watched as her dress changed, her attitude changed, her vocabulary changed, her demeanor changed. It is such an awesome thing to watch. She began a Bible study with my pastor's wife and I watched more changes. She decided to get baptized, and the changes kept coming. But nothing compares to the IMMEDIATE change we witnessed Thursday evening of Ladies Conference. Literally five-ten minutes and she was speaking in tongues! I'm smiling now even thinking about it - I'm sure everyone has seen that transformation but I've never saw such a dramatic change instantly. I can't wait to see what God continues to do in her life and in the life of her family.
Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.
Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.
So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.
Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.
Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.
So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.
I'm soooooo excited...
I don't have time to get into details right now - that will come when I get home. But clif notes version... my friend Meggan got the Holy Ghost at Ladies Retreat this weekend!!!!!!!!!! AND... they are finally moving me at work - Praise be to Jesus. It has definitely been a good weekend for me! More to come later.... stay tuned!
Monday, September 8, 2008
At a loss...
So... I had a doctor's appointment today, and I've got to say ... it was less than encouraging. What is it with doctors now-a-days that just want to dope you up? He was in the room with me for less than five minutes, listened to my innards, pushed on my guts and wrote me a prescription. I didn't like how he was trying to "sell" me on this medication from the beginning. Of course, I have no clue what he's talking about by the name so he starts to tell me about another patient of his that has similar symptoms and this medication seems to be helping him.
*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.
*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?
Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.
I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.
So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.
Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.
*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.
*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?
Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.
I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.
So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.
Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
A working progress...
Here's something I'm working on for my next session with Miss Carla. I've sorta had writers block, so I've not taken any journaling to her in about 3 weeks. So... I decided to lock myself in the quiet room at work on my lunch today to write, and this is what I've come up with so far. Keep in mind, I have not proof read any of this... and this is probably more personal than I have ever posted on here - or anywhere.
I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…
I feel stuck at work
I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck personally
I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck emotionally
Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck physically
I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.
I feel stuck spiritually
I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.
To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!
I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul
I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.
I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.
It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.
I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…
I feel stuck at work
I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck personally
I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck emotionally
Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck physically
I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.
I feel stuck spiritually
I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.
To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!
I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul
I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.
I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.
It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Interesting...
Sooo... remember several postings ago when I had lost a blog entry due to some crazy computer problem? Well, I found today under the whole manage blogs thingy, that it automatically saves all your drafts. Cool huh? So, I finished the thought (what I could remember of that thought from months ago) and published it. Problem is... it saved it as the day I first started it. So... It's back in June and it's entitled "wow". So... feel free to go back and read.
Anyhow - as far as updates here goes.... Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I got a roommate. That means, for all the SAM folks out there - Jennifer DEFINITELY going to Greece! That is ... if I can work out the vacation time deal and can save for it, which should not be a problem since I have the new roomie to help me out.
Kinda weird sharing my space. I've very much been a loner all my life, I'm fiercely independent, and have lived by myself for 3 years. Not to mention, even when I lived with grammie and grampie for 2 years I was pretty much on my own; and then the 4 years at IBC (the majority of the time I did not have a roommate).
So... this week Carla gave me some homework, and I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to do it. I let her in on an image that I've had for quite sometime and never shared with anyone. I wrote in my journal about this little girl. Well... let me just copy and paste for ya:
So... my assignment this week is to "talk more about that". Ha - she says that a lot. She wants me to write more about these pieces and identify them. She said I could draw it or make something more 3D or just write.
She also correlated my chest pains to that of a cutter. She said that cutters self mutilate for one of two reasons. Either (1) they want to see a physical representation of the pain they feel on the inside, or (2) they cannot feel anything so they cut to make themselves feel something. She said that it could be that my chest pains are a manifestation of the pain that I've got going on deep down inside. So, she wants me to think about and write about what my other body parts would say to the pain in my chest. Not sure what to do with that one. I've got several ideas rolling around in my brain about they whole heart thing, but I don't know which direction I will go with. I'll start with writing because that is what I'm good at. That I can handle. It's the talking about what she reads that is difficult.
She says that I'm doing a great job and that she can see the progress that I'm making. I... just don't see it, I don't feel it, I just don't know. But I'm plugging away. She constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself. ha-- I know that, but I also know that I know no other way of being.
*yawn* well, I've been awful this week and not gotten my tail to the gym at all. I'm shooting some t Body Pump at 6 tomorrow. That means I've gotta be up and going in about 5 hours. So I had best be trying to get some sleep. Don't know if it will work - got too much bouncing around in this little brain of mine.
Asta!
Anyhow - as far as updates here goes.... Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I got a roommate. That means, for all the SAM folks out there - Jennifer DEFINITELY going to Greece! That is ... if I can work out the vacation time deal and can save for it, which should not be a problem since I have the new roomie to help me out.
Kinda weird sharing my space. I've very much been a loner all my life, I'm fiercely independent, and have lived by myself for 3 years. Not to mention, even when I lived with grammie and grampie for 2 years I was pretty much on my own; and then the 4 years at IBC (the majority of the time I did not have a roommate).
So... this week Carla gave me some homework, and I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to do it. I let her in on an image that I've had for quite sometime and never shared with anyone. I wrote in my journal about this little girl. Well... let me just copy and paste for ya:
"I have this image in my mind of a little girl, holding what should be a solid heart shaped object; except, her heart is not whole. She has worked feverishly to put back together the broken pieces to form the outside shape, in fact, it’s so good that you cannot tell it was ever broken until you take a look inside. All that is left inside are shattered pieces of what was once whole. That’s kinda how I see myself approaching God. With my shattered little heart, hoping I’ve put it together just right and too scared to tell Him what happened to the rest."
So... my assignment this week is to "talk more about that". Ha - she says that a lot. She wants me to write more about these pieces and identify them. She said I could draw it or make something more 3D or just write.
She also correlated my chest pains to that of a cutter. She said that cutters self mutilate for one of two reasons. Either (1) they want to see a physical representation of the pain they feel on the inside, or (2) they cannot feel anything so they cut to make themselves feel something. She said that it could be that my chest pains are a manifestation of the pain that I've got going on deep down inside. So, she wants me to think about and write about what my other body parts would say to the pain in my chest. Not sure what to do with that one. I've got several ideas rolling around in my brain about they whole heart thing, but I don't know which direction I will go with. I'll start with writing because that is what I'm good at. That I can handle. It's the talking about what she reads that is difficult.
She says that I'm doing a great job and that she can see the progress that I'm making. I... just don't see it, I don't feel it, I just don't know. But I'm plugging away. She constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself. ha-- I know that, but I also know that I know no other way of being.
*yawn* well, I've been awful this week and not gotten my tail to the gym at all. I'm shooting some t Body Pump at 6 tomorrow. That means I've gotta be up and going in about 5 hours. So I had best be trying to get some sleep. Don't know if it will work - got too much bouncing around in this little brain of mine.
Asta!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The day from Hades!!!
Ugh! I am soooooooooooooooo glad to be home after the day I've had. I swear, I am going to stab some people. Family members, coworkers, and at this point... just a random stranger. ha! I'm kidding - I would NEVER actually harm someone, but I sure do feel like it sometimes! I have reached my tolerance level for a couple of guys at work. I'm tired of the "woe is me" routine and the constant flow of negativity that comes out of their mouths. One guys has been on crazy leave for almost two months. While he was gone, we have to do his work - he's been back for one full week and guess what? Exactly -- back to the negativity, outrageous outbursts, irrational behavior, mumbling and talking to himself, threats of suicide and violence toward others... I've had it. Completely DONE with it. I don't see why I am required to deal with this, why I have to be subjected to that sort of behavior. We are all adults, we are all going through our own personal battles -- suck it up and take like a man, sit down, shut up and do your job so you can go home and not bother me. haha... is that too much to ask?
Seriously, Joann is facing the thought of every living member of her family moving away - like, states away. Meggan is facing her own personal battles and is a little confused right now as to what to do with her life. I am happy to say she has been going to church with me quite a bit lately and that she has agreed to meet with Sis C. before church Wednesday to discuss a Bible Study and other issues she is having. Travis has got some health issues going on. Andrea has just moved into her own house for the first time ever and is adjusting to that. Lloyd has twins that are ALWAYS sick. Vanisia is having LOTS of health issues and her own mental health issues. I have been going through whatever this funk is as well as some medical things. My point is, we all have our issues and things that we are dealing with. So why is it that Matt and Andy get to come in and spew forth negativity for 8 hours straight and the rest of us are expected to sit there and take it?! I'm sorry... I'm done.
Beyond that - I'm just wore out. I'm at an emotional low right now, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I just wanna wallow in it - and that's not healthy. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am getting nowhere with Carla. Even though she says it's going good - I just feel more and more unsure and uneasy. My current wonderings are this... There are deeply painful things in my past that must be addressed and healed in order for me to move on. Is it possible to dig these things up, deal with them, forgive those people, allow God to heal those places and move on without having to actually speak to those people about it?? I'm not sure that is possible. In fact, I highly doubt it. I know that I'm probably FAAAARRRR from that point, but the thought and fear is still there. But, among other things, that is weighing on my mind right now.
I have, however, managed to wear myself out to the point that I'm about to fall asleep. So... I'd better take Sugar to pee and head that way. Don't know if I'll make it to Body Pump in the morning, but it's my half day -- so I could go to the 4:25 class again this week. Hmmm....
Seriously, Joann is facing the thought of every living member of her family moving away - like, states away. Meggan is facing her own personal battles and is a little confused right now as to what to do with her life. I am happy to say she has been going to church with me quite a bit lately and that she has agreed to meet with Sis C. before church Wednesday to discuss a Bible Study and other issues she is having. Travis has got some health issues going on. Andrea has just moved into her own house for the first time ever and is adjusting to that. Lloyd has twins that are ALWAYS sick. Vanisia is having LOTS of health issues and her own mental health issues. I have been going through whatever this funk is as well as some medical things. My point is, we all have our issues and things that we are dealing with. So why is it that Matt and Andy get to come in and spew forth negativity for 8 hours straight and the rest of us are expected to sit there and take it?! I'm sorry... I'm done.
Beyond that - I'm just wore out. I'm at an emotional low right now, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I just wanna wallow in it - and that's not healthy. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am getting nowhere with Carla. Even though she says it's going good - I just feel more and more unsure and uneasy. My current wonderings are this... There are deeply painful things in my past that must be addressed and healed in order for me to move on. Is it possible to dig these things up, deal with them, forgive those people, allow God to heal those places and move on without having to actually speak to those people about it?? I'm not sure that is possible. In fact, I highly doubt it. I know that I'm probably FAAAARRRR from that point, but the thought and fear is still there. But, among other things, that is weighing on my mind right now.
I have, however, managed to wear myself out to the point that I'm about to fall asleep. So... I'd better take Sugar to pee and head that way. Don't know if I'll make it to Body Pump in the morning, but it's my half day -- so I could go to the 4:25 class again this week. Hmmm....
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
New Things...
Alright.... so.... I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. I, Miss Fiercely Independent, am getting a roommate. Yep, you read it right, I am welcoming someone into my home to LIVE. I haven't decided if I'm really excited about it or not. Amy is moving here from Georgia, and is moving for the specific purpose of attending my church. She picked church first, then where she was living, then found a job. ha! She is a Pediatric Nurses so it wasn't too difficult to find a position. So she moves in August first. Between now and then I've got some moving around to do. The biggest problem I am having with her moving is her putting her things in my grandma's furniture. If you open the drawers, you can still smell her - and I'm not ready for that to go away. So, she agreed to bring her own furniture, and I'm going to move that set into my music room and set that up as a guest bedroom so we will have a place for people to stay when they come to visit. LOTS of moving around to do. Piano has got to find a place to go, then wherever I put that whatever was there has to find a place to go... and so on. haha.
In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.
I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.
So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.
Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.
In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.
I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.
So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.
Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
New Book
Soo.... the long anticipated wait for my book "Captivating" has finally arrived. I read probably 50 or so pages while at work today already and can't wait to get back to it. I stopped reading at the chapter called "wounded" because I just felt as if a squalling session was in my future. Didn't really wanna do that in between collection calls - somehow, I don't think that would be okay with my boss, my co-workers, or my customers.
I really like it so far. If any woman reading this has not read it - I HIGHLY recommend it so far. Just over look the two references to the trinity and you are good.
I really liked how they reviewed the creation story. It was talking about how every great work of art or piece of music is a crescendo. It is building to the most important aspect. It made the reference that creation was building, each creature was more beautiful and complex than the last. Man was made in God's image, and yet His creation was not yet good - it was not until he made woman that creation was complete. It said that the world could not be complete until woman was made. How powerful is that? The book calls us "the crown of creation". How cool is that.
My favorite part so far is when they talk about the scripture when God decided to make Adam a companion. In the original text it is "ezer kenegdo". The book says that the Hebrew scholar Robert Alter says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". English words that some have used have been 'helper', 'companion', or 'help meet'. But it goes on to say that the word "ezer" has only been used in 20 other passages in the Old Testament, and each time the person being described was God himself, when you need Him to come through for you desperately. So Alter translates the phrase "sustainer beside him". So.. .by definition, we are made to be a lifesaver to man. We are needed that much. Wow... that is sooo powerful.
More to come in the future. Reading this book has been... well, it's just been an eye opener. At times I swear it's like they are taking the ramblings of my very soul and typing them out before my eyes to read. It's a comfort to know that what I feel is not uncommon. My therapist told me the other day not to worry that I was far from crazy and she will not have me admitted. HAHA... I can't help it - it's a fear. It's weird to feel ashamed for so many years about thoughts and feelings that go on in the privacy of your own mind, to learn in an instant that every woman deals with the same emotions and feelings at some point and on some level. wow. Kinds dumb struck at the moment.
Well, my bladder is about to bust, and I can't wait to get back to my book. Asta...
I really like it so far. If any woman reading this has not read it - I HIGHLY recommend it so far. Just over look the two references to the trinity and you are good.
I really liked how they reviewed the creation story. It was talking about how every great work of art or piece of music is a crescendo. It is building to the most important aspect. It made the reference that creation was building, each creature was more beautiful and complex than the last. Man was made in God's image, and yet His creation was not yet good - it was not until he made woman that creation was complete. It said that the world could not be complete until woman was made. How powerful is that? The book calls us "the crown of creation". How cool is that.
My favorite part so far is when they talk about the scripture when God decided to make Adam a companion. In the original text it is "ezer kenegdo". The book says that the Hebrew scholar Robert Alter says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". English words that some have used have been 'helper', 'companion', or 'help meet'. But it goes on to say that the word "ezer" has only been used in 20 other passages in the Old Testament, and each time the person being described was God himself, when you need Him to come through for you desperately. So Alter translates the phrase "sustainer beside him". So.. .by definition, we are made to be a lifesaver to man. We are needed that much. Wow... that is sooo powerful.
More to come in the future. Reading this book has been... well, it's just been an eye opener. At times I swear it's like they are taking the ramblings of my very soul and typing them out before my eyes to read. It's a comfort to know that what I feel is not uncommon. My therapist told me the other day not to worry that I was far from crazy and she will not have me admitted. HAHA... I can't help it - it's a fear. It's weird to feel ashamed for so many years about thoughts and feelings that go on in the privacy of your own mind, to learn in an instant that every woman deals with the same emotions and feelings at some point and on some level. wow. Kinds dumb struck at the moment.
Well, my bladder is about to bust, and I can't wait to get back to my book. Asta...
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