wow...

So... several entries ago, I had lost a blog entry that I had started due to a freezing going on of my laptop. Well... low and behold - this nifty little website saves all your drafts. Hmm... found that today. so here is that long lost entry... evidentially did not save it all... so I'll be adding a bit to it.

I really don't know where to begin, what to say, how to explain how the last two days have been so far. I am incredibly uneasy, anxious, nervous - and a lot of other things - about my dad being here. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he really and truly is here to see me. Maybe I've just been programed to think that way and it's hard to override that; but at the same time, I don't want to let my guard down only to get my heart broken again. Right now, at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot take another heartache.

All my life I have longed to be a "daddy's girl" ... and all my life I have been let down. It's hard to explain exactly what goes through my mind and what I feel - because I don't really understand it myself. I miss someone that I've never had a relationship with... I love him so much and want him so much to be in my life when (in my mind) all he has done is pushed me away. However, over the last few months/years I have noticed a change. Slightly less sarcastic, and more willing to participate in any sort of conversation, and now this... after 26 years of nothing - a HUGE something. Any contact that we had - at all - was if I initiated it. If I saw him, it was because I called and invited myself over or practically begged for an invite. Now, after going on 9 years of being away from my home town, he decides he's going to come see me. And so far it is just to see me. I cannot comprehend that - it does not belong in my vocabulary. I'm still shocked, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Meanwhile - I told my mom he was coming, and you know what she says. Ugh! I can't stand that woman sometimes. First she said "Well, he's just coming to be nosy - he wants to see your house". (And something else crazy that I can't remember now) Then later, after she's had some time to think about a proper slam on him, sent me a text that said "funny how he's coming to see you now that you're skinny". Riiiight. My response was - that would be funny if I was, in fact, skinny. To which she replied, "well, you are well on your way". What is this woman's problem? Why does she continue to try and get between us and insure that there is no relationship? She drives me batty sometimes!