Dang it!!

UGH!!! I just typed this whole gut wrenching blog about junk w/ my dad and it's GONE!! *sigh*

I don't have the energy or the emotional strength to do that again. It will have to wait for another time. I'm about to fall over as it is, and my chest is hurting bad tonight, I need to sleep!!!

I will say this ... has been a good visit so far -- but I just cannot let my guard completely down. He decided to stay another day, so I'm working early tomorrow (shhh... don't tell the Erickson's cuz I'm still ditching Praise and Worship practice even though I'm not working) and we may try to get together for lunch.

There is so much that I want to talk to him about, so much that I want to ask him, so much that I feel like I need to understand... and yet I can't bring myself to do it. Hope says I need to leave it alone. She seems to think that digging up the past will harm more than help, and it's better not to know. I told her that I wonder in techno-color and she still thinks I need to leave it alone. I just don't know. I feel like I need to understand why I am the way that I am, and in order to do so and to change it, I must first understand how I got to this point. Ya know what I mean?

*sigh* I've gotta go... more to come later.