Updates...

bad blogger! yeah, I know... I've been awful. I've been writing a lot in a paper journal so that leaves this blog sort of unattended. I suppose I could type things in here after I write them... there is a possibility. Anyhow - a few quick updates before I pass out. soooo tired today for some reason.

Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!

I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.

Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!

I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.

Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*

Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!

Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.

So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Guess what I got?!?

A few days early, but definitely excited about my brand spakin' new birthday presents!!! First, my mom sent me a new computer which was just in the nick of time because I was definitely about the chuck this stupid laptop through the window. ha! Sometime last year, one of the computers at the bookstore crashed and we took my CPU and used it there. Mom promised to either help me with my trip to Paris/London or replace my computer. Well... neither happened until today! Sooo excited. It was just the tower and extras, no monitor because I still have my old one. Eventually, I will buy a flat screen monitor.

What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.

My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!

Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!

I've been tagged!!

I was tagged by Gayla: http://gaylasgabfest.blogspot.com/

Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers

6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...

1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)

2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar

3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish

4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!

5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...

6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.

I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!

The details...

So... This weekend was our Women's Espirit Conference. About 2-3 months ago my friend Meggan from work started coming to church with me. Bless her heart - my heart breaks for her. I see a lot of myself in her and more importantly I see where I could have ended up. I was (and sometimes still am) painfully shy, backward, very self conscience, low self-esteem, low self-worth... and the list goes on. I have watched Meggan in these past few months begin to change herself. She's lost some weight, taking care of her body, she kicked a very controlling boyfriend to the curb - well, she left the apartment. I have watched her transform. When she started coming to church with me, I watched as her dress changed, her attitude changed, her vocabulary changed, her demeanor changed. It is such an awesome thing to watch. She began a Bible study with my pastor's wife and I watched more changes. She decided to get baptized, and the changes kept coming. But nothing compares to the IMMEDIATE change we witnessed Thursday evening of Ladies Conference. Literally five-ten minutes and she was speaking in tongues! I'm smiling now even thinking about it - I'm sure everyone has seen that transformation but I've never saw such a dramatic change instantly. I can't wait to see what God continues to do in her life and in the life of her family.

Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.

Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.

So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.

I'm soooooo excited...

I don't have time to get into details right now - that will come when I get home. But clif notes version... my friend Meggan got the Holy Ghost at Ladies Retreat this weekend!!!!!!!!!! AND... they are finally moving me at work - Praise be to Jesus. It has definitely been a good weekend for me! More to come later.... stay tuned!

At a loss...

So... I had a doctor's appointment today, and I've got to say ... it was less than encouraging. What is it with doctors now-a-days that just want to dope you up? He was in the room with me for less than five minutes, listened to my innards, pushed on my guts and wrote me a prescription. I didn't like how he was trying to "sell" me on this medication from the beginning. Of course, I have no clue what he's talking about by the name so he starts to tell me about another patient of his that has similar symptoms and this medication seems to be helping him.

*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.

*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?

Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.

I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.

So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.

Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.

A working progress...

Here's something I'm working on for my next session with Miss Carla. I've sorta had writers block, so I've not taken any journaling to her in about 3 weeks. So... I decided to lock myself in the quiet room at work on my lunch today to write, and this is what I've come up with so far. Keep in mind, I have not proof read any of this... and this is probably more personal than I have ever posted on here - or anywhere.

I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…

I feel stuck at work

I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck personally

I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck emotionally

Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!

I feel stuck physically

I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.

I feel stuck spiritually

I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.

To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!

I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul

I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.

I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.

It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.

Interesting...

Sooo... remember several postings ago when I had lost a blog entry due to some crazy computer problem? Well, I found today under the whole manage blogs thingy, that it automatically saves all your drafts. Cool huh? So, I finished the thought (what I could remember of that thought from months ago) and published it. Problem is... it saved it as the day I first started it. So... It's back in June and it's entitled "wow". So... feel free to go back and read.

Anyhow - as far as updates here goes.... Goodness, I don't even know where to start. I got a roommate. That means, for all the SAM folks out there - Jennifer DEFINITELY going to Greece! That is ... if I can work out the vacation time deal and can save for it, which should not be a problem since I have the new roomie to help me out.

Kinda weird sharing my space. I've very much been a loner all my life, I'm fiercely independent, and have lived by myself for 3 years. Not to mention, even when I lived with grammie and grampie for 2 years I was pretty much on my own; and then the 4 years at IBC (the majority of the time I did not have a roommate).

So... this week Carla gave me some homework, and I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to do it. I let her in on an image that I've had for quite sometime and never shared with anyone. I wrote in my journal about this little girl. Well... let me just copy and paste for ya:

"I have this image in my mind of a little girl, holding what should be a solid heart shaped object; except, her heart is not whole. She has worked feverishly to put back together the broken pieces to form the outside shape, in fact, it’s so good that you cannot tell it was ever broken until you take a look inside. All that is left inside are shattered pieces of what was once whole. That’s kinda how I see myself approaching God. With my shattered little heart, hoping I’ve put it together just right and too scared to tell Him what happened to the rest."

So... my assignment this week is to "talk more about that". Ha - she says that a lot. She wants me to write more about these pieces and identify them. She said I could draw it or make something more 3D or just write.

She also correlated my chest pains to that of a cutter. She said that cutters self mutilate for one of two reasons. Either (1) they want to see a physical representation of the pain they feel on the inside, or (2) they cannot feel anything so they cut to make themselves feel something. She said that it could be that my chest pains are a manifestation of the pain that I've got going on deep down inside. So, she wants me to think about and write about what my other body parts would say to the pain in my chest. Not sure what to do with that one. I've got several ideas rolling around in my brain about they whole heart thing, but I don't know which direction I will go with. I'll start with writing because that is what I'm good at. That I can handle. It's the talking about what she reads that is difficult.

She says that I'm doing a great job and that she can see the progress that I'm making. I... just don't see it, I don't feel it, I just don't know. But I'm plugging away. She constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself. ha-- I know that, but I also know that I know no other way of being.

*yawn* well, I've been awful this week and not gotten my tail to the gym at all. I'm shooting some t Body Pump at 6 tomorrow. That means I've gotta be up and going in about 5 hours. So I had best be trying to get some sleep. Don't know if it will work - got too much bouncing around in this little brain of mine.

Asta!

The day from Hades!!!

Ugh! I am soooooooooooooooo glad to be home after the day I've had. I swear, I am going to stab some people. Family members, coworkers, and at this point... just a random stranger. ha! I'm kidding - I would NEVER actually harm someone, but I sure do feel like it sometimes! I have reached my tolerance level for a couple of guys at work. I'm tired of the "woe is me" routine and the constant flow of negativity that comes out of their mouths. One guys has been on crazy leave for almost two months. While he was gone, we have to do his work - he's been back for one full week and guess what? Exactly -- back to the negativity, outrageous outbursts, irrational behavior, mumbling and talking to himself, threats of suicide and violence toward others... I've had it. Completely DONE with it. I don't see why I am required to deal with this, why I have to be subjected to that sort of behavior. We are all adults, we are all going through our own personal battles -- suck it up and take like a man, sit down, shut up and do your job so you can go home and not bother me. haha... is that too much to ask?

Seriously, Joann is facing the thought of every living member of her family moving away - like, states away. Meggan is facing her own personal battles and is a little confused right now as to what to do with her life. I am happy to say she has been going to church with me quite a bit lately and that she has agreed to meet with Sis C. before church Wednesday to discuss a Bible Study and other issues she is having. Travis has got some health issues going on. Andrea has just moved into her own house for the first time ever and is adjusting to that. Lloyd has twins that are ALWAYS sick. Vanisia is having LOTS of health issues and her own mental health issues. I have been going through whatever this funk is as well as some medical things. My point is, we all have our issues and things that we are dealing with. So why is it that Matt and Andy get to come in and spew forth negativity for 8 hours straight and the rest of us are expected to sit there and take it?! I'm sorry... I'm done.

Beyond that - I'm just wore out. I'm at an emotional low right now, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I just wanna wallow in it - and that's not healthy. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am getting nowhere with Carla. Even though she says it's going good - I just feel more and more unsure and uneasy. My current wonderings are this... There are deeply painful things in my past that must be addressed and healed in order for me to move on. Is it possible to dig these things up, deal with them, forgive those people, allow God to heal those places and move on without having to actually speak to those people about it?? I'm not sure that is possible. In fact, I highly doubt it. I know that I'm probably FAAAARRRR from that point, but the thought and fear is still there. But, among other things, that is weighing on my mind right now.

I have, however, managed to wear myself out to the point that I'm about to fall asleep. So... I'd better take Sugar to pee and head that way. Don't know if I'll make it to Body Pump in the morning, but it's my half day -- so I could go to the 4:25 class again this week. Hmmm....

New Things...

Alright.... so.... I'm doing something that I never thought I would do. I, Miss Fiercely Independent, am getting a roommate. Yep, you read it right, I am welcoming someone into my home to LIVE. I haven't decided if I'm really excited about it or not. Amy is moving here from Georgia, and is moving for the specific purpose of attending my church. She picked church first, then where she was living, then found a job. ha! She is a Pediatric Nurses so it wasn't too difficult to find a position. So she moves in August first. Between now and then I've got some moving around to do. The biggest problem I am having with her moving is her putting her things in my grandma's furniture. If you open the drawers, you can still smell her - and I'm not ready for that to go away. So, she agreed to bring her own furniture, and I'm going to move that set into my music room and set that up as a guest bedroom so we will have a place for people to stay when they come to visit. LOTS of moving around to do. Piano has got to find a place to go, then wherever I put that whatever was there has to find a place to go... and so on. haha.

In other news... sessions with Carla have been going pretty good. At least she thinks so. I told her this week that I can feel myself wanting to shut down. That's typically what I do - I let someone get just so close, then I push them away and shut down. She said that she doesn't find that unusual and she understands why I would want to. She thinks that I'm doing all the right things to work through whatever these issues are with me. In fact, she said that I am the kind of client that therapist dream of having. She said that she loves what I write. I can write better than I can sit and talk, so I let her read a journal that I keep just for those sessions. She said that I am very honest and doesn't know anybody that would wright the things that I do. I basically wrote this week that I do not trust her. Which I don't - I don't trust anyone, and she understands that. We discussed my guilt associated with actually being in that room with the years of sermons I've heard about "you don't need therapy you need prayer", "you don't need a counselor, you need the church". Part of me feels shame - why else would I want no one to find out? The other part knows that I am doing the right thing. I truly believe that I was meant to find Carla - that God sent her specifically to me to help me. I pray for her that God lead her and anoint her and use her to help me.

I heard a message not too long ago about the verse in the Bible saying if you have faith you can say to the mountain to move and cast it in the sea. He said that sometimes the mountain does not just disappear, but sometimes God hands you a shovel. I told Carla that she was my shovel. I believe that with my whole heart, and she does too. She said that she believes God directs her to people, and says that she learns from each of us as well. I pray for her patience, because I know that I can be difficult and stubborn - It's just hard for me to do this. It's hard to believe that there is no ulterior motive other than to listen to me and to help me. She came to the conclusion this week (what I've been trying to explain to her) that the chest pains are not associated with any one thing or situation; but that they are there in general as anxiety about life itself. She agrees (finally) that it is just all the things that I have refused to deal with for 26 years of my life pushing it's way to the surface with a vengeance and demanding to be reckoned with.

So, I feel that I have come to another crossroad. I can walk away, I can keep showing up - but shut down, or I can take another step - open up more - trust more. You have no idea how much I wanna RUN!! But I know I can't do that. I have to deal with this once and for all. I don't know how long it will take - a LONG time I know. There are deep seated things in me that will take quite a bit of digging to get to and try to speak to and heal so that I can move on. I feel like I've just put shovel to ground; that I'm trying to uproot a mighty oak tree with one of those hand held garden thingies. Whatever they are called. I know it's gonna take some time, but that is where I am at. Trying to dig and not wanting to.

Well, I've got to get to work - pray for me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I continue to pray that I will open up, trust more, and that God will help Carla to help me. Help me to fix me.

New Book

Soo.... the long anticipated wait for my book "Captivating" has finally arrived. I read probably 50 or so pages while at work today already and can't wait to get back to it. I stopped reading at the chapter called "wounded" because I just felt as if a squalling session was in my future. Didn't really wanna do that in between collection calls - somehow, I don't think that would be okay with my boss, my co-workers, or my customers.

I really like it so far. If any woman reading this has not read it - I HIGHLY recommend it so far. Just over look the two references to the trinity and you are good.

I really liked how they reviewed the creation story. It was talking about how every great work of art or piece of music is a crescendo. It is building to the most important aspect. It made the reference that creation was building, each creature was more beautiful and complex than the last. Man was made in God's image, and yet His creation was not yet good - it was not until he made woman that creation was complete. It said that the world could not be complete until woman was made. How powerful is that? The book calls us "the crown of creation". How cool is that.

My favorite part so far is when they talk about the scripture when God decided to make Adam a companion. In the original text it is "ezer kenegdo". The book says that the Hebrew scholar Robert Alter says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate". English words that some have used have been 'helper', 'companion', or 'help meet'. But it goes on to say that the word "ezer" has only been used in 20 other passages in the Old Testament, and each time the person being described was God himself, when you need Him to come through for you desperately. So Alter translates the phrase "sustainer beside him". So.. .by definition, we are made to be a lifesaver to man. We are needed that much. Wow... that is sooo powerful.

More to come in the future. Reading this book has been... well, it's just been an eye opener. At times I swear it's like they are taking the ramblings of my very soul and typing them out before my eyes to read. It's a comfort to know that what I feel is not uncommon. My therapist told me the other day not to worry that I was far from crazy and she will not have me admitted. HAHA... I can't help it - it's a fear. It's weird to feel ashamed for so many years about thoughts and feelings that go on in the privacy of your own mind, to learn in an instant that every woman deals with the same emotions and feelings at some point and on some level. wow. Kinds dumb struck at the moment.

Well, my bladder is about to bust, and I can't wait to get back to my book. Asta...

Frustrated

So... I'm a little frustrated today.

Do you ever have a moment, or time, in your life where you know you should do something, but just cannot bring yourself to do it? That is where I am at in my life.

Through this whole therapy process, I have learned a whole lot in a very short amount of time. My entire life I grew up and up until recently in my (yes very short) adult life have ... well, I've held onto a lot of hurt, disappointment, and even blame for my dad. I mistakenly thought that he was the main focus of why I am the way that I am, and why I am dealing with all of these thoughts and feelings. What I have learned is... it wasn't his fault. I have blamed him for so many years and I have held him as my #1 issue for so long; that it feels weird that he's no longer in the top spot. By no means am I saying that we have everything resolved - in fact, far from it; but I am starting to see absolutely EVERYTHING from a different perspective and in a different light. It's amazing how much small pieces of information can change, basically my entire life.

What I have learned is quite disturbing. It has shown me the depths of selfishness. And it has taken me to a whole other level of the craziness that I knew as my mother. Carla thinks from what I have told her, and from an email that I gave to her from Lynz, that mom could have (or still is) suffering from a personality disorder. When I think of personality disorders, I think of Cybil - you know... the woman that had like 7 different personalities. They all had names and different characteristics. But she said generally you have "all good" and "all bad".

I don't talk about my mom, or how it was growing up for the simple fact that she is so different now. And herein lies the part where I'm torn. I feel like, eventually, I'm going to have to confront her with all of these emotions, hurts, anger ... what have you. It's just ... I don't think that I can.... ever. I was talking to her today, and it's harder to carry on a conversation with this woman with all that I have learned about her - or forced myself to remember. She was truly awful growing up. And I know that no mother is perfect, and we all have issues with our mama's.. but you just don't know the depths of this woman's manipulation and down right craziness.

I was listening to her today talk about a cousin of mine who is struggling right now with some mental issues and trying to get her meds straight. And Lynsey if you breath a word of this to anyone I'll cut you... But I sat there while she said, you know, sometimes I just get the feeling that she's putting on. Okay, first of all -- crazy lady -- you have no right commenting on the sanity of anyone, nor pass judgment on whether or not they are being genuine. Queen of psychoville and pretend we're from normalsville. Second... there is no way anyone is going to fake a mental illness to the point that they voluntarily put themselves through HELL trying different meds that make you more crazy until you can get better. AND no one is going to fake needing a little help when they are so consumed with hurt, anger, pain, rejection, grief, abuse and God only knows what else that they are confined to a hospital room until they can stop clawing at their own flesh. Whatever - just be there for her. You know what she's went through... leave her alone and let her get the help she needs.

UGH!! That was so not my point, but that's what got me thinking. She's never been confronted with her actions... not by me anyway. She's walking on in her life as if we were this peachy, hunky-dory, everything was wonderful family... and it was far from that. I think that there needs to be discussions and things talked about, and questions answered. But I am FAR from that place.

Besides having a week from Hades... haha. I was counting down the days until Monday nights session. That's pretty bad. haha. I really did loose my mind in the doctor's office this week. I couldn't breath, my chest was pounding (was already hurting), and the left side of my face went numb... I was a little upset. Anyhow... I think I'm gonna soak in the tub for a bit and head to bed.

p.s. Please keep Sis. Millie Coursey in your prayers. She's kept a fever the last couple days and have had to give her 2 units of blood. Her spirits are really down, and that is the most disheartening. She is refusing visitors. Please pray for her quick recovery.

Prayer Request

Millie Coursey - a DEAR saint in our church - has been diagnosed with Cancer. She is my good friend Danielle's mother, and precious to me! Two weeks ago, she noticed a knot in her side and it grew massively. Finally the pain go so unbearable that she went to the emergency room knowing her insurance junk was not straightened out yet. (It is now)

Long story short, they found a mass so large in her side that they could not tell where it was attached to, if it was attached to anything, or even what organs it was affecting. This was Sunday when she went into the hospital, and today (Thursday) they had surgery to remove it. They ended up taking out the mass, her ovaries, and part of her colon. They were able to remove 90-95% of it, and then put in a port so that they can do localized Chemo. They don't have to do it through her bloodstream so there will be less side effects.

They obviously are sending off for tests, but since the tumor had started attacking organs and eating through her colon, they are saying that is typical of stage four. So... please pray for Sis. Coursey and her daughter Danielle. They have no family in the area, closest is in Delaware and it's distant family. So they need a lot of prayers and support right now.

A quick update...

In the way of updates... just wanted to put in here some results of the recent doctor's visits. I hate doctors... have I mentioned that? Well, I do.

Any how... they scheduled an Endoscopy last week to make sure that my chest pains were not being caused by anything gastrointestinal. And among other concerns... Dr. Cline said that he found a place in my stomach that was hemorrhaging. Niiice. My guts are bleeding. Great.

And I'm not quit sure if it's the whole mind over matter thing, but ever since that appointment I've noticed that I've had sharp pains in my stomach. And lasting pain, not just one stab and it's gone. Not too excited about that. Dr. Cline didn't seem to concerned though, so I'm really not sure.

The "other conscerns" (which I will not get into) could be a huge financial straign. Basically, the doctor he want to refer me to is not currently covered by my insurance. They want a HUGE new patient set up fee before they will even submit for pre-approval from my insurance. I have found a cheaper route, but I'd have to travel quite a ways to get there. Confused yet?

Bottom line - either *a* my insurance covers it and I can take care of it locally; *b* I travel, cheaper doctor, time off work, possibly hotel costs; *c* do nothing and problem could be sever. What's a girl to do??

Well, I'm about to pass out - have been home for about 20 min or so and have been on the road since about 6am this morning. sooo tired. Will give ya details about the Single Conference and Family Reunion later... gonna.... go... to.... zzzzzzzZZZZzzZZZzzZZzZZZZzz

Yeah... it's been a while...

Okay... to my few faithful readers... I do apologize for being MIA for the last little bit. As you can imagine, I have a lot going on right now. Not an excuse but a reason. I really don't have the time or the strength to update on everything tonight, but I will give a brief overview so that you will know I've not fallen off the face of the planet.

So, in a previous blog, I had written that I had bit the bullet and scheduled a counseling session. Last night, I believe, was my fourth session. My therapists name is Carla - and I actually like her. I love watching her process information - I can see those little wheels a turnin' ha! It's still so very hard for me to even show up, let alone talk to her. So... I think this week I am going to work out a list of things that I think we should talk about. Bless her heart, she doesn't know what to ask - and I'm not going to sit and volunteer information. So I'm going to make a list I think. I've made these first few steps, I can't back out now. If I do...... I think I'll loose my mind. So... *singing* onward Christian soldiers...

In preparation for that, I have contacted some people from my past to try and find out some answers and fill in the blanks of the childhood I have suppressed. I sent an email to Sis. Rachel (former assistant pastor's wife), two of my high school teachers - Mrs. McIlrath & Sal, and a friend from IBC, Joy. I had a very interesting 1 1/2 hour talk with Sis. Rachel, but have yet to hear from the rest. I'm not really sure what to do from this point, but I really do feel like I need answers and I need to figure out what happened back then. My only other options are Stacey, my cousin who can't tell the truth or keep her mouth shut, and David - my best friend who is married and has 2 kids and still has feelings for me. Yeah - haven't contacted either of them. I do think I'm going to recruit a spy though. If there's one thing that Stacey LOVES it is to gossip... if I can get the right person snooping, she'll spill her guts (probably add to it) and not even suspect me. sneaky aren't I?

In the way of regular doctor's appointments, I go tomorrow for an Endoscopy. I have a feeling they are going to want to do a colonoscopy as well - ugh! So... even though I have a TON of things bouncing around in my head - I MUST try to get some sleep. Gotta get up early so I can get to work early so I can leave early to get to my appointment on time. Wish me luck!!

Dang it!!

UGH!!! I just typed this whole gut wrenching blog about junk w/ my dad and it's GONE!! *sigh*

I don't have the energy or the emotional strength to do that again. It will have to wait for another time. I'm about to fall over as it is, and my chest is hurting bad tonight, I need to sleep!!!

I will say this ... has been a good visit so far -- but I just cannot let my guard completely down. He decided to stay another day, so I'm working early tomorrow (shhh... don't tell the Erickson's cuz I'm still ditching Praise and Worship practice even though I'm not working) and we may try to get together for lunch.

There is so much that I want to talk to him about, so much that I want to ask him, so much that I feel like I need to understand... and yet I can't bring myself to do it. Hope says I need to leave it alone. She seems to think that digging up the past will harm more than help, and it's better not to know. I told her that I wonder in techno-color and she still thinks I need to leave it alone. I just don't know. I feel like I need to understand why I am the way that I am, and in order to do so and to change it, I must first understand how I got to this point. Ya know what I mean?

*sigh* I've gotta go... more to come later.

wow...

So... several entries ago, I had lost a blog entry that I had started due to a freezing going on of my laptop. Well... low and behold - this nifty little website saves all your drafts. Hmm... found that today. so here is that long lost entry... evidentially did not save it all... so I'll be adding a bit to it.

I really don't know where to begin, what to say, how to explain how the last two days have been so far. I am incredibly uneasy, anxious, nervous - and a lot of other things - about my dad being here. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he really and truly is here to see me. Maybe I've just been programed to think that way and it's hard to override that; but at the same time, I don't want to let my guard down only to get my heart broken again. Right now, at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot take another heartache.

All my life I have longed to be a "daddy's girl" ... and all my life I have been let down. It's hard to explain exactly what goes through my mind and what I feel - because I don't really understand it myself. I miss someone that I've never had a relationship with... I love him so much and want him so much to be in my life when (in my mind) all he has done is pushed me away. However, over the last few months/years I have noticed a change. Slightly less sarcastic, and more willing to participate in any sort of conversation, and now this... after 26 years of nothing - a HUGE something. Any contact that we had - at all - was if I initiated it. If I saw him, it was because I called and invited myself over or practically begged for an invite. Now, after going on 9 years of being away from my home town, he decides he's going to come see me. And so far it is just to see me. I cannot comprehend that - it does not belong in my vocabulary. I'm still shocked, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Meanwhile - I told my mom he was coming, and you know what she says. Ugh! I can't stand that woman sometimes. First she said "Well, he's just coming to be nosy - he wants to see your house". (And something else crazy that I can't remember now) Then later, after she's had some time to think about a proper slam on him, sent me a text that said "funny how he's coming to see you now that you're skinny". Riiiight. My response was - that would be funny if I was, in fact, skinny. To which she replied, "well, you are well on your way". What is this woman's problem? Why does she continue to try and get between us and insure that there is no relationship? She drives me batty sometimes!

Not as bad as I thought...

So... I'm back. From my very first therapy appointment. And, no surprise to me, her official response was "you've got a lot going on". haha.. well, I knew that lady!

Nah, I'm teasing. I actually like her - she makes me laugh. After everything I said she was raise her eyebrows and say okaaaay... soooo - and then she'd ask another question. I gotta give her props though - she's got the hang of all my baby mama drama with all my step/half siblings and who they belong to. Not an easy task, even to those who know them all.

I actually feel a little better. Could be that I have been sooooo nervous about this very day that just the sheer withdraw of fret has helped. The last thing she said, and I agree, is that I'm doing the right thing. I feel that more now than I did 2 hours ago.

So my "homework" this week.... I am to practice deep breathing when I do get chest pains (I already do when they get bad, I can't all the time b/c I'd be doing deep breathing all day and I'd get dizzy and pass out from all that), I can try to practice some mental imagery (that would be the "happy place" stuff -- I felt bad, but I laughed out loud on that one), and last but to journal - especially about my dad. She knows he's coming and just a smidgen of the background story there... so I am to take note and journal about the things that he says or does that makes me feel like he does not want anything to do with me, or why I would question his motives for being here and coming to see me.

Today was a meet and greet situation - she asked a bunch of questions, and I answered them. She understands that I do not want medication, and that I'm absolutely terrified. We have an appointment next week, and then we will go from there. *sigh* what a night.

So, I've tried to call Dana to update her after *ahem* informing her that she was "on call" tonight and her phone is not on. Told Hope to be expecting my call today - and she doesn't answer. Sis. C is expecting an update - and she doesn't answer. My sis tells me to call her to talk about it - and she doesn't answer.... Good LORD people!! I'm just teasing. =o) I really don't have time to re-hash it 12 hundred times anyway. I have a house to clean and a panic attack to have about my dad coming. And I'm supposed to call Dawn here in a little bit once she gets home for her update. So... I gotta go - sooo much to do!

Of ALL the times in my life...

I don't even know where to begin with this one...

I get a phone call yesterday. Well, let me back up and say that I almost passed slap out when I had one missed call last night (at 10:30 mind you) and it was my Dad. So I listen to my voicemail and it just says to call. I'm thinking... who died? I mean... the last conversation we had was about Grandpa Alfter's funeral - and I had to call him on that one.

The beginning of the conversation went something like this:

"So, I figured, since we are never going to get an invite to your house; I would just call and invite myself". Excuse me WHAT?!

Apparently the story is... they are going to be in Metropolis (Southern Illinois) over the weekend to work on some rental property they have there. They should finish up about Monday or so and then head my way Tuesday and stay until Thursday. Now, Metropolis is about 5 hours from me.

Okay... now... first of all, this is the man that has not bothered to pick up the phone to so much as wish me a happy birthday in probably 10 years or more - let alone calling to chat. So the fact that he's calling is shocking enough. Second... this is also the man that could not drive across town to come to my high school graduation, and yet he wants to drive 5 hours out of his way to come stay with me for 2 days. AND... this is the man that refused to let me participate in the family Christmas present drawing of names thingy b/c whoever got my name would have to ship my present, and he is going to come visit when gas prices are as they are now. What is going on? Can we say PANIC ATTACK today? OOooooo and let's not forget the time I told him that the highway ran both ways when he told me I needed to come visit more and he said... "well, I would come down to Tennessee... but I don't really know anybody down there." ha!

What do you do with that?!? I have no clue ... what the crap am I going to do??

This is sooooo not the time to have to deal with this. Hope says this is my chance to go off on him. haha... home court advantage and all. Lynz is willing to come down just to stab him ... and do some interesting things with select body parts - but those will remain out of my blog to keep it at a PG level.

Why does he always do this to me? Just when I settle down and come to the realization that yes, he is gone, he's not coming back, he doesn't want anything to do with me ... he will pull something like this. I REFUSE to get my hopes up this time. I REFUSE to let him break my heart AGAIN!! And WHY in the 26 years of my life, does he pick the very point in which I choose to have a nervous breakdown to make the biggest step ever?

I can't handle this right now. I do not have the strength to deal with this. At least he gave me short notice and I only have 4 days to worry my guts out about it. And really... it would be just like him not to come. Ugh!! He's not even here and he's screwing with my head - how sick is that?!?

haha... I just keep thinking - that first "meet and greet" counseling session I've got scheduled for Monday night...lol - it's so gonna be "okay, for real ... I have this a-hole for a father... he's coming to see me tomorrow... lets just jump right in there". haha.

What am I gonna do?

This man is at the root of quite a few of the issues and quirks that I still have today. He is the cause of a lot of self esteem issues, abandonment issues, the fact that the male species terrifies me, trust issues ...shall I go on? HE is the reason. And he's coming to MY house.

I've got to go clean something ... oh Lord, I'm turning into my mother!!!!

I can't believe I did it....

Well, before I get into all that (keep the suspense up and all), I've got to rant a bit.

First of all... apparently air conditioning and I are not meant to get along. I've been without A/C in my car for about 2 weeks now... maybe longer. Shannon is waiting on the proper gauge to figure out what is wrong. Already replaced one thing that was causing my engine to overheat and when that happens it automatically shuts down the a/c to try and cool down the engine. Well.. still not working and I'm still sweating to DEATH.

So then second... I walk into my house today after work (mind you - nine thousand degrees in my car) and walk into an 87 degree house. What the junk!! I'm sure that Sugar has roasted today. I'll be calling grammie here in a bit and go sleep at her house if I can't get it any cooler in here. It's miserable. It's not even that hot outside!!

Third and final rant of the day... today at work Vanisia went down to the gym and got one of those stability balls to sit on at her desk. Keep in mind now that several months ago our health and wellness staff sent around an email with suggestions to beat the sedentary lifestyle that we all have there for 8 hours a day and one of those was to sit on a stability ball to increase your core strength and all that. So... Paul Nichols (top-TOP dog) comes through and tells her that is not safe and if she were to fall the first 2 words from her would be workman's comp. When we explained about the health and wellness people, his response was "Well, I will fix that". He proceeded to say that they do not pay the workman's comp claims so he will definitely get that fixed. What a JERK!! No wonder we have an extremely high turn over rate.

Ugh!!

Okay, so back to me...

I found a place here in town that is a Christian Counseling Center. Now before I even go any further... you have to know that even thinking about what I'm about to write in here puts me in a panic, let alone actually going through with it. I've talked it over with a couple trusted friends and with my pastor's wife; and closed my eyes, jumped and made an appointment for Monday evening. I am scared out of my ever loving mind, but my feeling is I have got to do something.

I have let myself struggle with all of these pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts for entirely too long. I've made the first step in recognizing that I cannot do this on my own. Yes, I am fully aware that all things are possible with God -- but you've got to be able to let go even to God before He can help. And short of a miracle, that's not gonna happen without some assistance.

So... I'm gonna go and see. I'm not committing to anything, I firmly will tell them I do not want any medication - at all - and somehow we will all get through this.

yep, terrified!

Okay... it is still 87 degrees in my house and Sugar is about to bake. We are headed out to Grammies where you can hang meat in the living room, but it's better than here. More to come I'm sure...

my prayer

This is an old song from the Livingstons that I absolutely LOVE! It is my prayer...

I need a place
Where I can hide away
Somewhere beyond here
As I kneel down to pray
Nowhere in this world
Can I find rest
Like right here in your presence
Why settle for anything less
So, Lord hear my cry
And hear my plea
This is my only request

Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me

You'll never find
Anywhere like his arms
And while you're there
He'll take your cares
And keep you safe from harm
Maybe it's been some time
Since you've had peace of mind
Well, heartaches and trials
They won't go, they seem to stay
Just remember where you are
Look beyond all those stars
He will hear you when you pray

Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me

Road Trip!!

I totally played hookie today!! I have never in my life just blown off work for no reason, and I soooo did it today. Hope and I drove up to Indy last night and drove back today. She had an appointment with a specialist up there and I went with her, simply because I needed to get away. Even away from everything and presumably having a good time, my chest was KILLING me and last night was the first time that it has interfered with my sleeping. I couldn't breath, I couldn't get comfortable... and several times after I had fallen asleep I woke up gasping for air and sat straight up in bed. Okay ... this is not cool.

So then all morning I was having really bad pains, and I broke down and tried one of the anxiety pills that the Dr. prescribed. As Hope said... we will never know for sure if that is what the problem is unless you take one and see. And.... it helped. Haven't decided if I'm relieved, or more terrified. And I was good for about ... 8-9 hours or so and then it was like the bottom was dropped out of me. I could not breath, the pain was back, and I was completely wiped out - like it took effort to walk. What in the world is going on with me?! It is absolutely terrifying at this point.

I don't know what to do because I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what. Do I seek help outside of my pastor and his wife? Do I go to the hospital and say - seriously, can't breath, need some help? Do I go back to my regular Dr. and say dude ... meds aren't working but anxiety pills are dope me up please? Do I strap myself in for the ride of a lifetime? Or do succumb to the fact that this is my life?

I'm so confused... I'm so lost ... And at this point, I'm at a loss for words. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Alone, surrounded, helpless ... that's a start, but in no way shape or form scratching the surface.

I called my pastor's wife tonight to talk, and got more orders. ha... I am to call the doctor first thing in the morning and report back to her as soon as I do so. lol. Do I feel another casting out of some demons tomorrow?? hahaha... Bless him - I know he means well, it's just so embarrassing... and soooo private.

Well, I gotta fix grammie's hair - and now is about the time I would be getting to her house if I had worked today, so I should head that direction... more to come I'm sure...

*sigh*

Today was rough. Well... to be honest, the last few days have been kinda rough. I really don't know how to describe it to you really. It's just been tough. Remember the distancing thing? Well, I feel myself pushing - no, more like shoving people away. I told Hope yesterday that I even have to force myself to call her - my best friend!! I don't know what to do.

I found an old journal that I've been reading though, and it's back from my IBC days. Most of it was just an account of the chorale tours from year to year; but again, I noticed the pattern back then as well as the journal from high school. What is my problem?

All through out this particular section of time I kept writing over and over that I just wish I could open up and talk to someone. I wish someone just would know and I wouldn't have to tell them. I wish someone would just wrap their arms around me and hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay. And here I sit, years later, dealing with the same emotions, feelings, insecurities, demons - whatever .... and I still cannot open my mouth. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?

The negative language that I've spoken to myself (and heard from others) all these years has been so ingrained into my very being that I can believe nothing less. It makes no sense to me that I can know it with my brain, believe it with my heart and yet still feel like it doesn't exist. Fused with corn yet?

I know that I have dear friends who would listen if I called to talk. I know there are people who care about me and my well being. I know that there are people out there who love me. I know that God loves me. I know that I am worth something. I know that I am not alone. I know that God is there every step of the way with me. I KNOW all this. I BELIEVE all this. But somewhere along the way, I've told myself that it's not really true. I don't feel loved, I don't feel that anyone would take the time to listen, that anyone would care. I feel worthless, hopeless, alone and completely broken. And worst of all, the thing that scares me the most that I finally admitted out loud... I don't feel like God loves me.

Now that's a messed up place to be! And it pains me to even type that, to admit it, to share it - but there it is. Probably the root of my problems right there. Now how do I fix it?

I don't know how to love or to be loved. I try - but I always just feel awkward. I feel like, one false move and that person will bolt. If I say one wrong thing - they are gone. If I cannot fulfill one favor - I'm no longer worth their time. That's why I continue to drop my plans, change my plans, bend over backward to help a friend and never ask for anything in return. It's hard to ask for help - really hard. And I know it is for everyone, but for me - I feel like I'm being a bother, and inconvenience, and an annoyance. I feel like, even though I've had times where I poured my heart out to friends, that in the end they really didn't care and was only sitting there listening to be nice.

So where do I go from here? Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? And when your brain is so messed up that you begin to doubt that God is the answer to those questions... what's a girl to do?

So there it is ... I feel I have completely exposed myself. Well, not completely - there is sooo much more rattling around in this brain of mine. But that is my feeling at the moment. Picture this grown woman who is strong and has it all together, but in reality it's just a shell that is shielding, protecting, but imprisoning a scared little 5 year old girl who is curled up on the floor weeping.... that is what I feel like.

God - I need your help....

My Memorial Day...

I definitely took the advice of a friend yesterday and did absolutely NOTHING on my day off. This weekend was exhausting catering two weddings back to back. The short version?... Friday after work I went straight to Hope's office and we prepped until 11:30 or so. Then up at 6:30 on Saturday and did not get back home until about Midnight. Then Sunday, I was able to go to church in the morning but then straight back to the office and did not get back home again until about 11:30 Sunday night. So... from Fri afternoon until Midnight Sunday we put in about 30 hours. That's tiring just thinking about it.

My Monday went like this - I did wake up around 10am, I got up checked my email, took sugar out... then I went back to bed and slept until about 3:30. Oh, that felt soooo good. Then I went back to bed last night at about 11:30 or so and just now getting up today. I did not leave my house, I did not get out of my pj's, I did not even speak to anyone -- that's nice. Just a do nothing ME day.

I'm gonna try to hit the gym even though every muscle in my body still aches from this weekend. I had attempted to get up earlier so I could go to the bookstore first, but that is not happening. So... I'll either go after the gym or go ahead and have breakfast with Lori and Sandy after the gym and then get to the bookstore after work. We'll see.

So, that was my Memorial Day weekend - besides the details of another marathon conversation with Dana, which will remain out of my blog. =o) Thanks girl! I'm sooo grateful to have a friend like you. Even if you are too far away. *grin*

Well, I've got to get moving and muster up the strength to make it through another week in Hades of collections... ha! Hopefully Matt will still be out and we will have another week of peace and quiet. Vanisia will be back from vacation today so that should make it at least more fun. Ok... gotta go.

Pretty neat...

I found this on a friend's MySpace page and it's so true:

We were given two hands to hold
Two legs to walk
Two eyes to see
Two ears to listed
But why only one heart?
Because the other one was given to someone for us to find

How cool is that?!

Today's "Thought for the Day"

Destiny is no matter of chance.

It is a matter of choice.

It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

-William Jennings Bryan

I agree.

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I hear things like "He's destined for great things" ... or "She's destined for failure" and so on. And really, it's a choice. Someone may come from a background that is less than healthy to be raised in and around, and the popular thought is that they will not make anything of their lives. Some would say that history is bound to repeat itself, and this person's destiny is fixed. But CHOICES are the key - they can choose to climb out of those circumstances and fight to change that "destiny".

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Same thing goes for a destiny of greatness. Choices can be made that will destroy those expectations of grandure, and soon you see the effects of those choices.

This is kind of what I feel I am fighting for -- to change my destiny. Making choices now that will effect my future. We all have that - the ability to change our destiny. So where do you want your life to go? How do you want spend the rest of your life? Make choices today so that you can get there tomorrow.

Interesting thought...

So... I picked up a book that I've been about half way through for a long time today called "Restoring Broken Things". One of the co-authors is Steven Curtis Chapman ... the news of his daughter being killed in that accident made me think of that book again. It's been so long since I've read any of it I could not even give you an accurate summary of the book at all, but one of the chapters I read today was very interesting.

The other writer ... somebody Scott, was holding a seminar and one of the assignments of that morning was to write and tell about the most powerful worship service they had experienced in the last year. All of the attendees came from different religious backgrounds, so they were all telling of different church services they had been in and he put in the book 3 of the different testimonies of the evening.

Then he was asked to tell his most powerful worship service, and he responded by telling of his journey to Africa and meeting the people there. He told of the first night where they had a small "congregation" in a mud hut where he witnessed hungry people singing praises to God and then he preached and it was moving and was a great service of worship. However, he said his most powerful worship service was the following day in a different village when they went to distribute food. He told of how his church had donated enough food for the entire village to be spared from starvation for 6 months. He said they spent 8-9 hours loading up pack mules for different families, and that he had never truly known the depths of starvation and malnutrition until that day.

Of course, people started asking where the singing and preaching was to be a worship service, and he told them how they did the assignment incorrectly. He wanted them to recognize that when he talked of the first night it was "a service of worship", meaning they gathered to worship God. The second day was "a worship service", in which they were worshiping through service.

He talked about how our lives were meant to always worship Him, and that we should live our lives this way. Our actions, our thoughts, our lives should be a worship service to God.

I've never really thought of it that way. I mean, of course, I pray all the time that my life be pleasing to Him and that my life would praise Him. But I never really thought of it as every act of kindness, ever tender moment spent sensitive to those lost and dying around me, every word of encouragement, every listening ear, every shoulder to cry on ... those moments are a "worship service" to God.

So.. just a little thought I wanted to share. Kinda opened my eyes a little today.

Dr. Appointment

So, I had follow up appointment this week and Dr Green changed my meds. So instead of something to control the acid in my stomach, he is trying an anti-inflammatory. Of course he expected me to take the anxiety pills, but I had not. However, yesterday was the first day of the switch, and my chest hurt more than usual. So... maybe it is something physically wrong. I don't know which I would rather it be. Possible surgery again ... or just crazy. ha!

I do have an appointment set up with my GI specialist Dr. Cline, but he is so booked up that I could not get in until June 24th. I'm dreading that because I KNOW that he will want to set up another colonoscopy. I think 2 in my young 26 years is plenty for now... ugh!

I also feel the need to explain (to my vast reading audience) that I'm not this mega-depressed, gonna slit my wrists kind of person. I don't want to come across that way -- and maybe it's just my mind working in overdrive as usual to think that this blog sounds this way. But this is my escape and my way of ranting where nobody can see or hear. None of my family know about my recent doctor visits ('cept my sister who now is a faithful reader *waves* HI SISTER!!), and only a select few friends.

My problem is a lifetime of unresolved issues, displaced emotions, pent up feelings and I've finally decided to do something about it.

So ... having said that -- I'm off to the gym to burn a little steam off (and hopefully a few pounds). I'm already hurting this morning and it's only 8:30. We'll see how the day goes ...

Another day...

I've noticed a distancing of myself lately. Not in any particular thing, but in general. People at work are beginning to comment about the change in my mood lately. So I have to ask myself... has it gotten that bad?... Or am I just tired of pretending? I don't know, but I fear that I am in for the fight of my life. No... I KNOW that I am. I just have to take care of this now, because I know that not too far down the road I will not be able to.

Do you know how insane it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone? Like there is not one solitary human being on the planet that understand or who cares for that matter. I know that is not true. I know that I have friend, family and a church who cares for me - but that does not change the feelings.

I am terrified of what lies ahead. It's a can of worms that I have held closed for so long, and now I not only opened it, but threw away the lid. There's no going back now. I cannot continue to suffer quietly and pretend that everything is okay. I have done what I thought I could never do - and that is ask for help. I went against every fiber of my being screaming to keep my mouth shut, and reached out to a select group of people. All on an individual basis, each knowing part but not the whole ... but it's there - they know - and I can't take that back. I have forever changed their opinions of me. That absolutely terrifies me.

I can feel myself pulling back and pushing away, and I'm torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay and fight through those emotions. *sigh* It's just so overwhelming at times. I was honest for the first time today when Hope asked me if I was alright ... I said no. *gasp* shocker!

I looked up depression today on the internet. Here are the symptoms:

I'm often restless and irritable.
I don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore.
I'm having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness.
I have nagging aches and pains that don't get better, no matter what I do.

My sleep patterns are irregular:
I'm sleeping too much.
I'm not sleeping enough.

I often have:
Digestive problems
Headaches or backaches
Vague aches and pains (eg, joint or muscle pains)
Chest pains
Dizziness

I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions.
People have commented on my mood or attitude lately.
My weight has changed considerably.
I feel that my functioning in everyday life (work and my interactions with family and friends) is suffering because of these problems.
I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks.
I have a family history of depression.
I've thought about suicide.

Guess how many I checked.... 13. THIRTEEN!! That's 13 out of 19 in case you were wondering.

I think I'm making Danielle mad. I haven't been to play tennis with them in probably 2 weeks now. I just don't have the strength to deal with dramatic people, and I don't have the energy or the willingness to fake it. It's better I just don't go, that way I can't say anything that I'll regret later. ha!

Bro. C is out of town preaching a 20 year anniversary service ... so there has been no laying on of hands today. I think I would have broken out in hives - ha. I've been trying the drugs the doctor gave me for the acid in the stomach ... I can't say that I notice any difference. Well, I can't say that. I have noticed that the pain is not as constant now, but you must take in to account that one HUGE stressor in my life has left (temporarily). Matt, the constant negative one at work, has been granted short term disability and FMLA to go and get some mental help. They finally moved me from directly in front of him earlier this week, and now he's out for 2 weeks. I have noticed a difference there. Vanisia moved in front of him and made the comment that she'd been sitting there for 2 days and already about to have nervous breakdown. I said "thank you ... thank you very much ... " So... it's either Matt or the meds, but there has been an easing of pain. However, before it was just a constant pressure... now it seems they will intensify for a short period of time. Hmm...

I started reading this book that I've had ever since IBC, but never had the guts to read it. It's called "Lord, Why am I Crying" by Lynda Allison Doty, PHD. In it she paraphrases another book by Dr. Timothy Foster called "Called to Counsel" where he used an interesting analogy for Depressed people that their root is Distorted Feelings.

"He talked about an emotion being sent from the production line to the packaging and labeling department, where it is given a name ("I feel hurt...") and an address (" ... at Jane"). He went on to say that at the factory, a new emotion is produced every ten minutes. What would happen if the shipping and delivery department went on strike, but the emotions plant continued to produce emotions? Soon the storeroom would be full, and you would have to start piling boxes inside the factory. The boxes would start to clog the assembly line, and eventually the whole system would shut down. What I have just described is the general cause of most depression. As the system gets clogged, a person can not longer feel emotions. A depressed person is apathetic. "I just don't care about things anymore. It's like part of me is dead". What do we do with emotions to short-circuit them so they do not pile up and begin to control our lives? We must learn to deliver them, get them out of the factory and to the proper address so the factory does not end up closed down."

I feel like I am standing in the midst of a shut down emotion factory, with piles and piles of boxes. I pick one up ... shake it a little ... barely pull it open to peek in - then slam it shut and chuck it across the room wondering how in the world am I gonna get my factory back up and running with 26 years worth of boxed up emotions standing in the way.

That's where I am today. Scared. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. Trying to wrap my brain around that scary word "depression". Seeing the massive amount of work to be done, yet lacking the strength and ability to get those boxes shipped out. So I solicit your prayers today... and in the future. I can't do this on my own, I realize that now.

Update...

I had my doctor's appointment today. Like anything else in my life, the Dr. Green said that my symptoms were rather unusual. ha! I explained to him that my chest pain is pretty much a constant pressure -- it does not increase or decrease. However, it does not bother me at night like waking me up during the night or causing me not to be able to go to sleep or get comfy ... and when I work out the pain is completely gone. Then after cooling down it slowly comes back.

We did an EKG to be safe, and no irregular heart beats or anything like that, which he and I both didn't think it was heart related; but I just wanted to be positive with heart problems in my family. Grammie's had 2 open heart surgeries and stints put in arteries in her heart and neck... mom's had a stint put in her heart and my Uncle Shorty had 4 put in (mom's brother). So... I don't want to mess around with my heart - I pretty much know it's coming unless I do something about it now. Which... I'm way proud to tell you about my blood work done today for the body age assessment there at work. ALL of my #s were fantastic. In fact, the woman who gave me my results was even shocked. Everything they had listed (hdl, ldl, glucose...whatever) was either well below or well above what was considered healthy... whichever they were supposed to be.

Anyhow, he told me that the #2 cause for chest pain is gastrointestinal issues, and since I have chrones, that is a likely culprit. Next choice would be stress and anxiety. So... he has scheduled me for blood work tomorrow, will be setting up an appointment with my GI doctor for the 12 month follow up visit from my surgery that I should have had a year ago (yes, I know, shame on me), he prescribed me something that is to control the acids in my stomach in case it is gastrointestinal to see if that helps. He also wrote a prescription for something for anxiety to have "just in case" he said. I won't take them though ... I would not have even filled the prescription except he wrote both meds on one Rx note. Grrr. I also have a follow up visit on Tuesday of next week to see if the meds have helped any.

So... that's where I'm at at this point. No answers, just more questions. Finally sat down with Hope and talked to her tonight.... and I do mean FOR REAL talked. She went through something similar when she was younger. She had lost her big brother and both sets of grandparents within a very short period of time and had a spell of nightmares and anxiety attacks. Then later after she had miscarriage went into the whole chest pains and panic attacks. She refused to take meds as well, and she made it out the other side.

Well, there's my quick update. I'm sooo tired, it's almost 1am, and I need to get up at 5:30 to get to the gym. I gotta hit the bed...

I'm out..........

I just THOUGHT I was embarrassed!

Yeah... so there was that thing this morning right. Well, that was small fries compared to what Bro. C did to me tonight. OMG I'm soooo embarrassed! No, I'm grateful and thankful and really do need it, but still as embarrassing as all get out!!

So tonight, the choir is singing and Bro. C walks over in the middle of the song and lays hands on me and begins to pray extremely loud . How loud? Keep in mind, all the musicians, all 120 voices in the choir (and we are LOUD)... and Jeanna over in the soprano section heard him praying tonight. He goes to rebuking things and I could have DIED! *sigh*

Ok, a little clarification here... I love that he cares enough for me that upon hearing my current mental state he feels impressed to pray (very loudly) for me. However, as I said before, this is not an all of a sudden thing that I'm dealing with here. I'm not saying God cannot completely and totally heal me right now - I don't doubt that. Wasn't it Bro. C himself that said the other day (of course talking about backslidders coming back to God expecting Him to deliver years worth of mistakes in an instant) that we should be willing to give God the same amount of time we gave the devil? I believe one touch of the Master's hand would do it, but out of my stubbornness and pridefulness of not getting that touch way back when ... I just don't think it's gonna happen that way. And maybe because I think that, it won't. Who knows. Point is, it's been a very personal, very quiet, very nobody-knows-about-it battle for me for all these years; and now there will be questions that I'm not prepared to answer. Just tonight Lori was asking why he was praying for me and is there something they should know and blah blah blah. Ugh! And you can't tell me that my nosy family didn't notice either. God... what am I gonna do?!

Ha! 26 years of solitude dealing with this on my own, and one baby step of a 30 minute conversation and I'm thrown into all this...

So... Sandy is laughing hysterically at me b/c she did not notice this morning or tonight and said that nobody else is going to either. Riiiight. So I called her when we left the restaurant and told her what's going on. She didn't believe me at first and told me that I had a perfect life. ha! Then said that everyone has their issues and that I'm more normal than I think I am. I still disagree, but whatever. She said that you would never know it because I am always fine and happy and have a lot of love to give... whatever that is supposed to mean. And it's true, I suppose. I have spent a lot of time perfecting the "everything's fine" persona. It's like I told her, something has to change.

I've also come to the conclusion that Hope just does not have a clue. She does not know that there is anything out of the ordinary happening with me, because I haven't told her. So I sent a Mother's Day card to her through Shannon (hubby) and she text me (surprise surprise) to tell me thank you. So I just told her that we had some catching up to do and was waiting on that dinner. So... she said Wednesday. Let's not hold our breath - a kid might get sick or something.

I've gotta get in bed... I've got to be up in less than 5 hours. Tomorrow is a turning point for me. I am determined to get my life organized, on a routine, and devote more time to prayer and reading God's Word. I have got to learn to completely trust Him before I can even begin to try and trust another human being. So tomorrow... it begins... well, I guess I should say later on today. ha!

Embarrassment

So... embarrassment for the day -- Lunch with Sis. C yesterday... today, DURING PRAISE AND WORSHIP, Bro. C walks over and grabs my hand and starts praying for me. *sigh* Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for his prayers... and I pretty much figured that Sis would be telling Bro about our conversation... however, this is a very private thing for me - and he prays loud. It is a life long struggle for me that nobody knows about. Not Grammie, who I tell everything; not my best friend, because I can't get her to sit still long enough... It took a lot to actually sit and talk to Sis. C about it... ugh - I was sooo embarrassed. Luckily I was so cute today that people were just commenting about my cute dress and how skinny I'm getting (LOVE LOVE LOVE those comments) to ask what is going on. Cuz you know Pentecostal people are some nosey people. And my family is chief among them - Mmmkay?