So... This weekend was our Women's Espirit Conference. About 2-3 months ago my friend Meggan from work started coming to church with me. Bless her heart - my heart breaks for her. I see a lot of myself in her and more importantly I see where I could have ended up. I was (and sometimes still am) painfully shy, backward, very self conscience, low self-esteem, low self-worth... and the list goes on. I have watched Meggan in these past few months begin to change herself. She's lost some weight, taking care of her body, she kicked a very controlling boyfriend to the curb - well, she left the apartment. I have watched her transform. When she started coming to church with me, I watched as her dress changed, her attitude changed, her vocabulary changed, her demeanor changed. It is such an awesome thing to watch. She began a Bible study with my pastor's wife and I watched more changes. She decided to get baptized, and the changes kept coming. But nothing compares to the IMMEDIATE change we witnessed Thursday evening of Ladies Conference. Literally five-ten minutes and she was speaking in tongues! I'm smiling now even thinking about it - I'm sure everyone has seen that transformation but I've never saw such a dramatic change instantly. I can't wait to see what God continues to do in her life and in the life of her family.
Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.
Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.
So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I'm soooooo excited...
I don't have time to get into details right now - that will come when I get home. But clif notes version... my friend Meggan got the Holy Ghost at Ladies Retreat this weekend!!!!!!!!!! AND... they are finally moving me at work - Praise be to Jesus. It has definitely been a good weekend for me! More to come later.... stay tuned!
Monday, September 8, 2008
At a loss...
So... I had a doctor's appointment today, and I've got to say ... it was less than encouraging. What is it with doctors now-a-days that just want to dope you up? He was in the room with me for less than five minutes, listened to my innards, pushed on my guts and wrote me a prescription. I didn't like how he was trying to "sell" me on this medication from the beginning. Of course, I have no clue what he's talking about by the name so he starts to tell me about another patient of his that has similar symptoms and this medication seems to be helping him.
*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.
*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?
Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.
I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.
So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.
Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.
*pause for update* So, I've mentioned in here before about the chest pains, well lately my side has been hurting and some abdominal pain from time to time. As much as I HATE HATE HATE going to the doctor, I do not want to end up in the hospital with another surgery again - so I made another appointment. I pretty much gave up hope on the chest pains when he tried prescribing everything from anti-inflammatory, anti-acid, narcotic pain killers to anxiety pills; but I really don't want to mess around with the pain stuff again.
*back to regularly scheduled programing* Then he tells me he thinks that my esophagus could be having spasms. When I asked him about the pains in the side and stomach his answer was that it's all connected (um... duh, it's called the digestive system) and that my stomach could be having spasms as well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he will start me on a very low dose, that I should take it before bed b/c it will make me drowsy, and that he will probably have to adjust the dosage. You feel the concern yet?
Skip forward to after work when I actually pick up the prescription... it's a friggin' antidepressant!! What that junk? How are you going to prescribe an antidepressant and not tell somebody or even ask them. And here's the kicker, in the paperwork it says "this medicine is a tricyclic antidepressant used to treat depression. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor"... um, excuse me what?! So, it just so happens that my roommate is a nurse. Do you know that the only other "condition" they prescribe this particular medication is for? They give it to kids who have trouble wetting the bed at night. Well... I'm definitely NOT little, I'm not a kid, and I don't wet the bed... so ... yeah.
I'm so frustrated right now I could scream - or sit in the corner and cry. I think I'm gonna call my old doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get in to see him. This is ridiculous. I really don't feel the need to take a medication that clearly warns could (and all research suggests WILL) cause suicidal thoughts and actions... um... no thank you. Not with my family history.
So... any suggestions out there in Blogger Land? And any prayers would be appreciated. I'm just frustrated and I really want to make sure nothing is physically wrong, but not at the risk of taking such a powerful mind altering drug. He should have known that when I refused to take the anxiety pills and the hydros.
Anyhow - that was my day. Hope yours was better.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
A working progress...
Here's something I'm working on for my next session with Miss Carla. I've sorta had writers block, so I've not taken any journaling to her in about 3 weeks. So... I decided to lock myself in the quiet room at work on my lunch today to write, and this is what I've come up with so far. Keep in mind, I have not proof read any of this... and this is probably more personal than I have ever posted on here - or anywhere.
I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…
I feel stuck at work
I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck personally
I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck emotionally
Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck physically
I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.
I feel stuck spiritually
I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.
To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!
I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul
I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.
I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.
It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.
I feel … stuck. I really don’t know how else to describe it or what else to say except… stuck. Here we go with another picture in my head. It’s like… if you can imagine an intersection on a back-woods country road, but it does not have your standard four ways to travel. There are several roads to choose from in any direction imaginable. I wake up each morning in this intersection. I walk to the first road and stare off into the distance trying to make out what lies ahead. I can see nothing, so I walk to the next road; and this maddening process goes on until I can woalk no more in this unending circle and stop to rest - only to wake up the next morning in this intersection…
I feel stuck at work
I’m forever chained to this God-forsaken group and will never see the outside of this jail called collections. I saw this quite on MySpace yesterday: “I would tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and really don’t want to see you every day”. Haha! That’s the truth!! But I’m stuck! There is nothing here that I can foresee myself enjoying to do the rest of my life. And how in the world could I support myself doing what I love? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck personally
I consider myself a trustworthy person, and people do come to me with their problems and conscerns; and, for the most part, I can offer some advice. At least a different view of the situation, if not several different views. So, why can’t I do that? Why is it that I can’t share myself with others? Why is it that I pursue friendships with people that I know cannot or will not make time for me, yet the ones who have all the time in the world I still don’t open up to? How frustrating! Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck emotionally
Like winter on the mighty Mississippi. Frozen solid. Hard as ice. Peaceful and serene on the outside, but under the surface is a raging river of emotions threatening to break through and pull you under. So - what to do? Keep skating on as if I don’t have a care in the world? bust through the surface and hope for the best? Yep - stuck!
I feel stuck physically
I’m extremely frustrated in my weight loss endeavor. Yes, I am excited for the 60 pounds I have lost, but the scale is stuck. Even if I work out 6 days per week… I got nothing! So, I’ve boycotted the gym and gained 10 pounds. Ha! Not funny. I’ve got to get more disciplined. I’ve re-vamped my eating again and am dragging my tail to the gym today! Okay - not today, I’ll work out at home after church. I’ve got to do something. I just keep trying to tell myself that even if the scale does not move, I’m becoming healthier and fighting the family history of heart disease. Lord knows with the added risk of colon cancer I got going on and the chest pains… I don’t need any other health issues to worry about.
I feel stuck spiritually
I know there is a God. I am sound in my beliefs and nothing can or ever will change that. But there is something in me that refuses to “let go and let God”. I know that the most trustworthy person/entity EVER is just a prayer away. Got is the definition of trust. And yet, I can’t shake these feelings that He will just let me down like everyone else. That the “Father to the fatherless” will walk out. That the ultimate sacrifice of selflessness will only use me for His benefit and toss me aside. That the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother” will not have the time for me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because I know how ridiculous they are. And I’ve prayed all my life for God to send me someone that I can trust and that can be a true friend, when all along I should have been praying for a deeper trust in Him and the ability to open up and lean on Him is what I need.
To fall in love with him deeper than ever - who am I kidding - just to simply allow myself to open up and fall in love with Him. That brings us to the whole issue of what is love? Girl, I ain’t got the time nor the strength to get into that one; except to say - How am I supposed to know what that is? How am I supposed to know what that feels like? To have someone love you unconditionally, completely and wholly; and to love them just that way in return. People always ask me why I don’t date or why I’m not married… hello?! If I cannot grasp the concept of God’s perfect love for me - how on earth am I supposed to believe some little boy is going to? Child please!!
I even feel stuck in the depths of my soul
I feel like I’m struggling to find a purpose. Why am I here? What exactly am I doing? There has to be something else out there. Most of the time I wonder, if suddenly Jennifer were to disappear - what would happen? Nothing. That is my thought. I am always last on everyone’s list of priorities (including my own), so how long before someone noticed? Isn’t that an awful thought? But, it’s one I’ve always thought and never voiced. And still, I show up one more day hoping that some how, some way, I’ll feel different today. Some how it will BE different today. So I just keep on… simply existing.
I feel like there is something that I should be doing. I feel like there is a purpose out there, and that God has something tailor made for my life. I just cannot see it yet. I’m in that intersection again, and as hard as I strain to see, I can only make out vague shapes and murky shadows. I feel like I’m stuck here, and won’t know which road to take until I get some things settled within myself. I’m really trying - I am. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some help. I’m getting that help. Then I freeze and shut down. What the crap? So I’m thinking… just knock me out, crawl inside my head for a few minutes, wake me up and tell me how to fix it. That would just be so much easier.
It’s so frustrating being inside my head sometimes.
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