Haha ... and no it's not what you are thinking. Today is without a doubt the most stressful day of the month. The last day. UGH! I work at a mortgage company in the collections department, and I am stressed beyond belief right now. Of course, there is all the things that need to be done liability wise at the bookstore with sales taxes, 941, 940 and customer statements; but nothing compares to the stress of a collections deadline. **deep breath**
So, this month was a rough month all around, and not just for me -- for my whole group... well, the whole pod really. It was awful. We have 3 separate goals given to us at the beginning of the month. Overs, Repos, and Unders. Overs are those accounts that are delinquent over 30 days past their due date. Repos - I think we are all smart enough to get that. Unders are delinquent accounts that are under 30 days past due. When I got in this morning I still needed to drop 12 Overs, I was at my max for repos with 2, and needed 23 Unders. Keep in mind that the Overs who just make one payment will become Unders, so I really needed 35 Unders.
Yesterday I almost stabbed my supervisor over this one account that is 5 payments past due. All of our legal notices had expired the beginning of last month and now that I have contact with my customer and they want to try and save their home he says "Repo it". *squinting and growling*. Now mind you, had they been 5 payments past due and sent ONE FRIGGIN PAYMENT and I wanted to get the home, he would say "they are making an effort to pay, lets wait until next month". But since I'm at my Repo max, it's the day before the last day of the month and I will be getting a $250 bonus because I'm at that goal he says "REPO IT". ugh!!! I managed to talk him off the ledge because the customer was begging for another day to try and come up with all the past due payments. So... today I get in and get a call from another customer (3 pays past due) who says -- I am moving out, I want you to come get the trailer by may 9th. She still has her junk in the home and the power is still on. Per our guidelines for legal action, we cannot submit an account for repossession until it is completely vacant (verified by a 3rd party), power is off, and all belongings are out of the home. So what does my fearless leader do? Manages to call a FRIEND of the customer to get her to say that she has moved out, ONLY has 10 or so boxes of stuff in the home and that the power WOULD BE off by May 8th. So his answer ... you guessed it -- REPO IT!!
Yeah, definitely beyond the sharp objects at this point and really just want to throw something really heavy and blunt at his head.
So by 4:30 today I had finished my daily sequence, either called, left a message for or talked to every single over account that I have and was working through some of my unders. I looked at Vanisia and said - I'm done. I have (at this point) 9 overs to drop, they just pushed a repo through to bust my repo goal, and still need 30-something unders... I'm done.
I'm soooooooooooooooooooo over collections. Three years is a LONG time for collections. I have two active applications out for other positions. One in inside sales, and the other as the office manger at a sales center that is in Lenoir City. A bit of a drive for me, but would be an increase in pay and would get me away from the madman of my supervisor. Ooooo I can't stand that man. Only he and my mother can get me from calm, cool and collected to flaming mad wanting to stab someone in 2.4 seconds. No - it doesn't even take that long. Sometimes just the very sight of him does it. haha. Time to move on don't you think?
yeah, so the chest pains came back today. ha! I swear it's just anxiety. And I know why they went away. Anytime I make the decision to do something about it, the symptoms get better. Not just mentally either. A couple years ago when I was out for surgery. The pain had gotten so bad that I could not function. So, I left work to go to the emergency room. When I got there -- no pain. What the Junk?! We later figured out why - and that was because my organs had pressed together to seal off the perforation in my colon. Caused a nice mess of abscess and infection, but felt better. =o) Same thing with mental and emotional issues. I finally get to the point where I understand that I need help, I take the first step in getting that help, for example - making a lunch date with my pastor's wife (yeah - not the first lunch that we have had). Then, knowing that the day is approaching, the chest pains go away... I don't think about things that usually plague my mind... nothing so much as goes wrong during the day and I chicken out. So when it comes to D Day, I'm good, let's eat, nice talking to you too.
I really am trying to come up with something sunshiney and happy to blog about - I really am. I just don't have it in me lately. I use up all my sunshineyness to get through the day and pretend that everything is ok. I guess that's part of the problem.
I did have a really cool quote in my "thought of the day" email ... it was from Confucius... "Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it". My friend Tonya used to say (in a really bad Chinese accent) "Confucius say... He who stand on toilet - is high on pot". *giggles at the memory* She had plenty of Confucius quotes like that.
Well, I'm still at the bookstore about to pass out. I've been up since 5:30 this morning for Body pump. It's almost 11 now. I still gotta get home... and my house is a disaster. I attempted to shampoo my carpets this week. Got about half way done and ran out of time. So all my furniture is out of place in 3 different rooms. ha - they will stay that way too. I'm going to BED!! I already missed Top Chef ... so now I'm bitter! Oh - NOOO ... I'm not bitter, can't handle another bitterness sermon. hee hee... g'night.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I finally did it ....
Yep, you read it right -- I finally got up the nerve and did it. I asked my pastor's wife if she could make some time to do lunch or something with me. You may think - big whoopty-do. Well, it is for me. Not sure that I can summon the courage to actually TALK to her, but we will see. She even asked me if it was just a lunch date or did I need to talk to her. ha! I told her I was trying to get up the nerve... haha. Niiiice - so now she knows I've got something on my mind. AND that it's been there for a while, because we have had lunch dates before and I never could bring myself to really talk to her. *sigh* It's just gonna come down to how much I really do want help. That's it. I keep asking myself that question. Before I asked Dawn her opinion of therapy/medication that day at lunch... I excused myself to the bathroom and had an argument with myself. I'm such a dork, but that's what happened. I left determined that if I truly want the help that I say that I do... well, then I'm gonna have to open up my mouth and heart and trust someone enough to talk. right?
So, I gave Hope another chance yesterday. The Bridal Show and all we did not have much time to think much less really talk. But as I was leaving her house (had another argument with myself) and I looked at her and said "we really need to do dinner". Ok, granted it was not - listen, I really need to talk to you about something please have dinner with me; but still. Well, her response was "not this week". I just left. I had a 20 min drive to my house and church that started in 23 minutes. *sigh* what am I going to do with that woman. lol.
So... Sis. C is out of town this week and that means I get a WHOOOOOLE week to fret and be nervous and argue with myself about this lunch date. I was talking to Dana the other day about my reservations about talking to her. Not that I think she would ever betray my confidence... I still have that fear. I have held my secret battle quite for soooo long -- I guess it's just a pride issue. Although I don't feel prideful, that's the only way I know to describe it. Or as Dana puts it... I just care too much what people think. And that's true. I would rather people think that I'm okay then for them to worry about my sanity. That is sick and twisted isn't it.
There was this cute thing going around on myspace. You posted a blog that said to post a comment with your name and I'll answer these questions about you. Here is what my sister said about me....
1. I'll respond with something random about you.You talk in your sleep and sometimes you say some funny stuff! Also, you're only ticklish when you're tired.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of Hm.... Hope Floats reminds me of you and any Reba song of course... probably mostly Little Rock cuz we used to sit out side on the swings at the Ohio St house and sing that for like hours. Good times. Good times.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (if possible, if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me)These mashed potatoes are so cream. You like brunnetts! I like blondes... chubby ones. Cesar Romaro was tall. Cesar Romaro did not play the clarrinet. I never said he did. What did you say. I said Cesar Romaro was tall. We all know he was tall.... I could go on, and I'm sure you could too. =P We're sad.
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.Oh geez.... I don't remember anything about you until I was like... age 5 maybe. I remember us having to clean Baby and Bobo's little room and it being Stinky Mcgrosserton, and I remember you fixing my hair for preschool and me throwing big fits about it.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of (and I'll try not to be offensive)This is a toughie... I'd say a wolf. You're cautious and observant, and kind of stand-offish, but for those you allow into your "pack", you'd throw down in a second. Very loyal and honorable.
6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.I wonder what how you view yourself and whether or not you see how beautiful and talented you are.
7. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you That you take the things that hurt you and bottle them up instead of standing up for yourself. You are much quicker to stand up for others than you are for yourself. As a sister, I HATE seeing you hurt. So I often blow up at people who I know are getting to you... I'm sure you know at least one person that I'm talking about.
*** sigh *** That kills me. So... maybe I'm not hiding as much as I think I am. Or... maybe she is just so much like me that she knows. Yeah ... so I gotta go now. Gonna be late for work.
So, I gave Hope another chance yesterday. The Bridal Show and all we did not have much time to think much less really talk. But as I was leaving her house (had another argument with myself) and I looked at her and said "we really need to do dinner". Ok, granted it was not - listen, I really need to talk to you about something please have dinner with me; but still. Well, her response was "not this week". I just left. I had a 20 min drive to my house and church that started in 23 minutes. *sigh* what am I going to do with that woman. lol.
So... Sis. C is out of town this week and that means I get a WHOOOOOLE week to fret and be nervous and argue with myself about this lunch date. I was talking to Dana the other day about my reservations about talking to her. Not that I think she would ever betray my confidence... I still have that fear. I have held my secret battle quite for soooo long -- I guess it's just a pride issue. Although I don't feel prideful, that's the only way I know to describe it. Or as Dana puts it... I just care too much what people think. And that's true. I would rather people think that I'm okay then for them to worry about my sanity. That is sick and twisted isn't it.
There was this cute thing going around on myspace. You posted a blog that said to post a comment with your name and I'll answer these questions about you. Here is what my sister said about me....
1. I'll respond with something random about you.You talk in your sleep and sometimes you say some funny stuff! Also, you're only ticklish when you're tired.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of Hm.... Hope Floats reminds me of you and any Reba song of course... probably mostly Little Rock cuz we used to sit out side on the swings at the Ohio St house and sing that for like hours. Good times. Good times.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (if possible, if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me)These mashed potatoes are so cream. You like brunnetts! I like blondes... chubby ones. Cesar Romaro was tall. Cesar Romaro did not play the clarrinet. I never said he did. What did you say. I said Cesar Romaro was tall. We all know he was tall.... I could go on, and I'm sure you could too. =P We're sad.
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.Oh geez.... I don't remember anything about you until I was like... age 5 maybe. I remember us having to clean Baby and Bobo's little room and it being Stinky Mcgrosserton, and I remember you fixing my hair for preschool and me throwing big fits about it.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of (and I'll try not to be offensive)This is a toughie... I'd say a wolf. You're cautious and observant, and kind of stand-offish, but for those you allow into your "pack", you'd throw down in a second. Very loyal and honorable.
6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.I wonder what how you view yourself and whether or not you see how beautiful and talented you are.
7. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you That you take the things that hurt you and bottle them up instead of standing up for yourself. You are much quicker to stand up for others than you are for yourself. As a sister, I HATE seeing you hurt. So I often blow up at people who I know are getting to you... I'm sure you know at least one person that I'm talking about.
*** sigh *** That kills me. So... maybe I'm not hiding as much as I think I am. Or... maybe she is just so much like me that she knows. Yeah ... so I gotta go now. Gonna be late for work.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Venting
Okay, so I just need to vent for a minute. My Pastor just TORE UP a sermon tonight about mercy. Not your typical message though. He started off by saying that God had given him this message for about 1% of the church congregation. He said that God had told him that there are some people who have lived their lives in a particular way and that He had been merciful thus far; but that He was about to change the seasons of their life if they did not change the way they were living.
He was talking about those people who are so blatantly sinning and flaunting it almost daring someone to say something about it. He went so far as to say that he will stop telling people that they are Apostolic, because they are not. He said that our generation as a whole has become too lenient with what we preach. We don't want to offend someone. He said pastors are too afraid to preach it because it might offend, or make someone mad, or God forbid they get up and leave. He made the argument that if you do preach it and they leave... they were going to hell on your pews, what is the difference if they leave and still go to hell. However, how do you expect them to change if you never preach it for fear of them leaving. He brought it to personal level in the fact that we don't stand up to our fellow brothers and sisters and say hey, what you are doing is wrong!
So ... in the midst of this.... (Now, keep in mind our choir now has to stay on the platform because there is no room in the auditorium... so I have a great view of all that is going on)... I happened to catch the look on a cousin of mine's face. It was about that time when he was talking about flaunting your sin in front of the congregation. Now... this comes directly after another cousin of mine walked up into church with some "miracle grow" on her hair. You know... the kind that miraculously grows all the same length? Which, let me insert here, my opinion. Not a popular one, but mine nonetheless. I personally do not feel that if you cut your hair or wear pants or makeup and those other exterior standards of the church that you will go to Hell. That is my personal opinion. I do not judge someone who chooses not to uphold the standards that I have placed on my life. I value the importance of modesty, and the promise that I have power with the angels because of my uncut hair. I choose to submit myself to those standards, however I do not believe that following them will save you, nor that choosing not to follow them will condemn you.
okay, so where was I ... oh yes, miracle grow. So I happen to catch the look on cousin #1's face that said "uh-huh ... she is out there flaunting her sin for the world to see... what do you think about that? preach on preacher. Talk to cousin #2..." I know you know that look I'm talking about. Problem is... cousin #2... couldn't tell you the truth if her life depended on it. I swear she lies just to be lying. No reason or "need" to. Just doesn't tell the truth. So tell me there #2... don't you think you should be listening and heading the Word rather then pointing out someone else's faults??
And I know I sound hypocritical with this. I know I am FAR from perfect. But I just get so frustrated sometimes with my family who I KNOW is not right, and they can sit in a service that would peel the most hardened criminal from their pew into the altar... and they don't so much as flinch. Or even worse, preach the preacher when preacher's preaching to them!!
UGH!!!
Anyway... had to get that out. Much more that I want to say -- but I'm terrified that #1 and #2 may someday find this and read it ... then I'd be in trouble. ha! I was gonna put another instalment of my trip in here, but I'm too tired. We had a Bridal Show today at the Bleak House in Knoxville. I was out at Hope's this morning at 8am preparing. I pulled back in my driveway tonight at exactly 5:57. Church starts at 6pm. Luckily I'm across the street and I had the 20 min drive from Hope's house back to mine to figure out what to wear that didn't need ironing. I actually made it to church just after 6. Bro. Presson usually gets up and opens the service with a scripture and a little one min blurb about it and then choir starts with praise and worship songs. I snuck up into choir just as Bro. Presson was finishing up. woohoo!! What is REALLY nice is that we learned a new song tonight in choir practice (that I missed) and we sang it that night. haha... that was fun. I had heard it a couple times so I caught on pretty quickly. Still a struggle though.
Aight ... I'm out for now. I'm about to go to ZZZzzzzz... yeah... Asta...
He was talking about those people who are so blatantly sinning and flaunting it almost daring someone to say something about it. He went so far as to say that he will stop telling people that they are Apostolic, because they are not. He said that our generation as a whole has become too lenient with what we preach. We don't want to offend someone. He said pastors are too afraid to preach it because it might offend, or make someone mad, or God forbid they get up and leave. He made the argument that if you do preach it and they leave... they were going to hell on your pews, what is the difference if they leave and still go to hell. However, how do you expect them to change if you never preach it for fear of them leaving. He brought it to personal level in the fact that we don't stand up to our fellow brothers and sisters and say hey, what you are doing is wrong!
So ... in the midst of this.... (Now, keep in mind our choir now has to stay on the platform because there is no room in the auditorium... so I have a great view of all that is going on)... I happened to catch the look on a cousin of mine's face. It was about that time when he was talking about flaunting your sin in front of the congregation. Now... this comes directly after another cousin of mine walked up into church with some "miracle grow" on her hair. You know... the kind that miraculously grows all the same length? Which, let me insert here, my opinion. Not a popular one, but mine nonetheless. I personally do not feel that if you cut your hair or wear pants or makeup and those other exterior standards of the church that you will go to Hell. That is my personal opinion. I do not judge someone who chooses not to uphold the standards that I have placed on my life. I value the importance of modesty, and the promise that I have power with the angels because of my uncut hair. I choose to submit myself to those standards, however I do not believe that following them will save you, nor that choosing not to follow them will condemn you.
okay, so where was I ... oh yes, miracle grow. So I happen to catch the look on cousin #1's face that said "uh-huh ... she is out there flaunting her sin for the world to see... what do you think about that? preach on preacher. Talk to cousin #2..." I know you know that look I'm talking about. Problem is... cousin #2... couldn't tell you the truth if her life depended on it. I swear she lies just to be lying. No reason or "need" to. Just doesn't tell the truth. So tell me there #2... don't you think you should be listening and heading the Word rather then pointing out someone else's faults??
And I know I sound hypocritical with this. I know I am FAR from perfect. But I just get so frustrated sometimes with my family who I KNOW is not right, and they can sit in a service that would peel the most hardened criminal from their pew into the altar... and they don't so much as flinch. Or even worse, preach the preacher when preacher's preaching to them!!
UGH!!!
Anyway... had to get that out. Much more that I want to say -- but I'm terrified that #1 and #2 may someday find this and read it ... then I'd be in trouble. ha! I was gonna put another instalment of my trip in here, but I'm too tired. We had a Bridal Show today at the Bleak House in Knoxville. I was out at Hope's this morning at 8am preparing. I pulled back in my driveway tonight at exactly 5:57. Church starts at 6pm. Luckily I'm across the street and I had the 20 min drive from Hope's house back to mine to figure out what to wear that didn't need ironing. I actually made it to church just after 6. Bro. Presson usually gets up and opens the service with a scripture and a little one min blurb about it and then choir starts with praise and worship songs. I snuck up into choir just as Bro. Presson was finishing up. woohoo!! What is REALLY nice is that we learned a new song tonight in choir practice (that I missed) and we sang it that night. haha... that was fun. I had heard it a couple times so I caught on pretty quickly. Still a struggle though.
Aight ... I'm out for now. I'm about to go to ZZZzzzzz... yeah... Asta...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Speaking of ...
I'll add more from my trip later. But with the last blog in mind, I must update you on this little journey. I went to lunch with my friend Dawn today. Well, let me back up. I've been trying to work up the nerve to talk to Hope about all that's been going on. Okay, just kidding, one more step back.
I think I've mentioned before, that everything life throws at me I will internalize. I will bottle up emotions until I can't function, have a breakdown and then continue on as if nothing happened. Well, I've noticed a pattern and that "cycle" has been getting shorter and shorter lately. Dawn told me today that only gets worse with age ... dear GOD I can't handle worse. ha! Anyhow... for the last 3 days or so, I've felt on the verge of a panic attack and have had these weird chest pains. Not really pain, but like someone has their hand on my chest and just a constant pressure.
So... I've tried and tried to talk to Hope, and I finally interrupted her ranting today to try and get her to listen to me. I told her I had been having chest pains for the last couple of days. So her response was something like: "you really need to get that checked out. So about my website..." [really cool by the way, I've worked for months on it and we just published it this week. Check it out: www.SimplySouthernCatering.net ... I still have some tweaking to do and some pictures to add] That made me sooooo mad.
So I had lunch today with Dawn. She works in the same building I do and attends my church as well. So I finally get up my nerve to say something on the way back to work. My typical style... bring up a huge-mungus heavy, emotional topic when we have no where near enough time to discuss it. But, without going into details, kinda told her what was going on and asked how she felt about counseling and therapy. She told me how after she had Abby (preemie, lots of health complications, fine one day, at death's door the next) - she would have anxiety attacks. She went to her doctor and he prescribed a very low dosage of some medication that helped her deal and cope through that time. She said that her opinion is that some people need a little therapy or medication from time to time... but she did add that if it is marriage counseling that is best left up to the pastor.
So what are you thoughts... my faithful 3 readers. haha. well, only two really - I know 6 hours worth of Dana's opinion. *wink* Or any stopper-bys. Your input would be appreciated. And before you say it ... I am praying about it. I really just don't know what to do, and I'm trying to work up the nerve to sit down with my pastor's wife.
This is my conflict. My innerds are screaming "someone help me"... and yet I can't make my -um- outterds (?) do anything about it. My cousin said something today that hit me so funny. She was talking about a situation my family is going through were we are forced to have a certain person in our lives due to a stupid mistake of another cousin and the product of which is a precious little girl. Anyhow, this chick blames her mistakes and behavior on the way she was raised and how she had an awful childhood and on and on. So she (my cousin) was ranting and raving about this today and how she does not think that anyone can blame their behavior on their parents. Then she said "I mean, hellllo, look at YOU. We have a poster child here in our family and look how YOU turned out". Ha-- if they only knew.
Well... I'm rambling again. And I need to be up and dressed in about 5 hours if I'm hauling my big butt to Body Pump in the morning. So I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Pray for me. And again - I solicit your opinion. What are your thoughts on Holy Ghost filled children of God needing help outside the church... not necessarily medication. I really don't want meds - I want to learn to deal and I think I need someone to help me do that.
Until next time...
I think I've mentioned before, that everything life throws at me I will internalize. I will bottle up emotions until I can't function, have a breakdown and then continue on as if nothing happened. Well, I've noticed a pattern and that "cycle" has been getting shorter and shorter lately. Dawn told me today that only gets worse with age ... dear GOD I can't handle worse. ha! Anyhow... for the last 3 days or so, I've felt on the verge of a panic attack and have had these weird chest pains. Not really pain, but like someone has their hand on my chest and just a constant pressure.
So... I've tried and tried to talk to Hope, and I finally interrupted her ranting today to try and get her to listen to me. I told her I had been having chest pains for the last couple of days. So her response was something like: "you really need to get that checked out. So about my website..." [really cool by the way, I've worked for months on it and we just published it this week. Check it out: www.SimplySouthernCatering.net ... I still have some tweaking to do and some pictures to add] That made me sooooo mad.
So I had lunch today with Dawn. She works in the same building I do and attends my church as well. So I finally get up my nerve to say something on the way back to work. My typical style... bring up a huge-mungus heavy, emotional topic when we have no where near enough time to discuss it. But, without going into details, kinda told her what was going on and asked how she felt about counseling and therapy. She told me how after she had Abby (preemie, lots of health complications, fine one day, at death's door the next) - she would have anxiety attacks. She went to her doctor and he prescribed a very low dosage of some medication that helped her deal and cope through that time. She said that her opinion is that some people need a little therapy or medication from time to time... but she did add that if it is marriage counseling that is best left up to the pastor.
So what are you thoughts... my faithful 3 readers. haha. well, only two really - I know 6 hours worth of Dana's opinion. *wink* Or any stopper-bys. Your input would be appreciated. And before you say it ... I am praying about it. I really just don't know what to do, and I'm trying to work up the nerve to sit down with my pastor's wife.
This is my conflict. My innerds are screaming "someone help me"... and yet I can't make my -um- outterds (?) do anything about it. My cousin said something today that hit me so funny. She was talking about a situation my family is going through were we are forced to have a certain person in our lives due to a stupid mistake of another cousin and the product of which is a precious little girl. Anyhow, this chick blames her mistakes and behavior on the way she was raised and how she had an awful childhood and on and on. So she (my cousin) was ranting and raving about this today and how she does not think that anyone can blame their behavior on their parents. Then she said "I mean, hellllo, look at YOU. We have a poster child here in our family and look how YOU turned out". Ha-- if they only knew.
Well... I'm rambling again. And I need to be up and dressed in about 5 hours if I'm hauling my big butt to Body Pump in the morning. So I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Pray for me. And again - I solicit your opinion. What are your thoughts on Holy Ghost filled children of God needing help outside the church... not necessarily medication. I really don't want meds - I want to learn to deal and I think I need someone to help me do that.
Until next time...
* Day Four *
We're on the train to Paris!!! Should almost be there, and talk of kids, x-husbands, family members, and backsliding brings back the thoughts of home.
[Got interrupted ... continued at the train station]
It's funny how just yesterday Sis. Debbie and I were talking about how a trip like this will take your mind off things going on at home. And that's true to some extent. I've been .... myself for the first time in a long time, but the thoughts are creeping back and I just want to scream at them to GO AWAY! And yet - I can't. There they are. I wish and pray for the healing that I need so badly. And sitting here on the cold floor of the train station in Pairs, France waiting (for 2 hours now) for our tour guide - I feel that blanket of sadness coming down. I feel the tears that I so long to cry creeping up only to be pushed down again. I really wish someone could just know and understand and speak into my soul words to soothe and mend. That's been my prayer for 26 long years - hasn't happened yet. ha! I'm at the point where either something changes - or I spend the rest of my life on this emotional roller coaster. I don't think I can take the motion sickness too much longer *sigh* Enough for now - I'll be bawling here for no reason. You know.... puke in London... have an emotional breakdown in Paris - whatever. All in a good vacation.
[Got interrupted ... continued at the train station]
It's funny how just yesterday Sis. Debbie and I were talking about how a trip like this will take your mind off things going on at home. And that's true to some extent. I've been .... myself for the first time in a long time, but the thoughts are creeping back and I just want to scream at them to GO AWAY! And yet - I can't. There they are. I wish and pray for the healing that I need so badly. And sitting here on the cold floor of the train station in Pairs, France waiting (for 2 hours now) for our tour guide - I feel that blanket of sadness coming down. I feel the tears that I so long to cry creeping up only to be pushed down again. I really wish someone could just know and understand and speak into my soul words to soothe and mend. That's been my prayer for 26 long years - hasn't happened yet. ha! I'm at the point where either something changes - or I spend the rest of my life on this emotional roller coaster. I don't think I can take the motion sickness too much longer *sigh* Enough for now - I'll be bawling here for no reason. You know.... puke in London... have an emotional breakdown in Paris - whatever. All in a good vacation.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
* Day Three *
Thursday, March 28th, 2008
This morning we (Sis. Debbie, Gayla, Cindy, Leann, Naomi, Tiffany, and I) went out intending to purchase tickets for Phantom of the Opera. We ended up getting a late start and went straight to the changing of the guards. They do a 2 day shift so there was not one yesterday; and Wednesday they didn't have it because the President of France was there. I got a couple of cool videos of the bands moving in, but we were too far away to see the actual guard change. At this point things got a little crazy. We got separated from Sis. Debbie and Gayla. The rest didn't want to wait, but at the last minute we found Gayla... but no Sis. Debbie. So - I stayed with her while the others left and we planned to meet later at Harrods. We did finally find Sis. Debbie and then headed to Harrods. That place is HUGE!! I've actually never heard of the place, but supposedly a world-wide known store. They have everything you could possibly imagine. The only thing that I bought was food - some fresh sliced turkey, some weird cheese with rosemary on it and samples of a Greek and a Mediterranean salad. Not with greens, but with tomatoes, cheese (mozzarella and feta) and olives. Yum!! Now the cheese with the rosemary in it made me soooo sick. I had to get out of the store and definitely puked on the streets of London. Great huh?
So, by the time Sis. Debbie and Gayla were done shopping and we got back to the hotel, we had just missed the others. The rest of the group had gone on an all day tour of Bath and Stonehenge. So we set off to find tickets to Phantom. First we wanted to go yesterday, but Naomi had plans with her daughter and granddaughter, so we decided to wait. Then she backs out anyway. Well, we find a place that has 2 tickets, first balcony, center for 55 lbs. More than I wanted to spend, but okay - I'm here to spend $$, never been to the theater, and will never again have the opportunity to go in London every again. So we purchase them for Sis. Debbie and I. Gayla had seen it last night with the others so she got a ticket for Mama Mia. We RACED back to the hotel to freshen up (Gayla went on to St. Paul's Cathedral) and literally RUN back to pick up the tickets. However, there is a different person on duty who says he has no tickets b/c the theater would not sell them after 5pm. What The Crap!! We then try to run down to the theater-- and I do mean RUN. We were able to get our money back. No, let me rephrase that, Sis. Debbie DEMANDED our $$ back (ha!) Turns out, they have only one seat in the entire house for 55 lbs. Sis. Debbie talked me into going without her, and I'm glad she did. It was absolutely amazing!! I ended up being dead center, isle seat, 8th row from the stage on the main level. Perfect! I was directly under the chandelier when it fell. =o) On the way back to the hotel, I managed to spend the rest of my $$ on souvenirs and a carmel hot chocolate from Starbucks.
Tiff ended up getting to go the Jack the Ripper Tour with Naomi and they really enjoyed it. Kinda bummed that I didn't get to go, but Phantom!!! So... I showered, packed up, and I'm ready to head out at 8:15 in the morning for PARIS!!!
This morning we (Sis. Debbie, Gayla, Cindy, Leann, Naomi, Tiffany, and I) went out intending to purchase tickets for Phantom of the Opera. We ended up getting a late start and went straight to the changing of the guards. They do a 2 day shift so there was not one yesterday; and Wednesday they didn't have it because the President of France was there. I got a couple of cool videos of the bands moving in, but we were too far away to see the actual guard change. At this point things got a little crazy. We got separated from Sis. Debbie and Gayla. The rest didn't want to wait, but at the last minute we found Gayla... but no Sis. Debbie. So - I stayed with her while the others left and we planned to meet later at Harrods. We did finally find Sis. Debbie and then headed to Harrods. That place is HUGE!! I've actually never heard of the place, but supposedly a world-wide known store. They have everything you could possibly imagine. The only thing that I bought was food - some fresh sliced turkey, some weird cheese with rosemary on it and samples of a Greek and a Mediterranean salad. Not with greens, but with tomatoes, cheese (mozzarella and feta) and olives. Yum!! Now the cheese with the rosemary in it made me soooo sick. I had to get out of the store and definitely puked on the streets of London. Great huh?
So, by the time Sis. Debbie and Gayla were done shopping and we got back to the hotel, we had just missed the others. The rest of the group had gone on an all day tour of Bath and Stonehenge. So we set off to find tickets to Phantom. First we wanted to go yesterday, but Naomi had plans with her daughter and granddaughter, so we decided to wait. Then she backs out anyway. Well, we find a place that has 2 tickets, first balcony, center for 55 lbs. More than I wanted to spend, but okay - I'm here to spend $$, never been to the theater, and will never again have the opportunity to go in London every again. So we purchase them for Sis. Debbie and I. Gayla had seen it last night with the others so she got a ticket for Mama Mia. We RACED back to the hotel to freshen up (Gayla went on to St. Paul's Cathedral) and literally RUN back to pick up the tickets. However, there is a different person on duty who says he has no tickets b/c the theater would not sell them after 5pm. What The Crap!! We then try to run down to the theater-- and I do mean RUN. We were able to get our money back. No, let me rephrase that, Sis. Debbie DEMANDED our $$ back (ha!) Turns out, they have only one seat in the entire house for 55 lbs. Sis. Debbie talked me into going without her, and I'm glad she did. It was absolutely amazing!! I ended up being dead center, isle seat, 8th row from the stage on the main level. Perfect! I was directly under the chandelier when it fell. =o) On the way back to the hotel, I managed to spend the rest of my $$ on souvenirs and a carmel hot chocolate from Starbucks.
Tiff ended up getting to go the Jack the Ripper Tour with Naomi and they really enjoyed it. Kinda bummed that I didn't get to go, but Phantom!!! So... I showered, packed up, and I'm ready to head out at 8:15 in the morning for PARIS!!!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Random...
Wow... for someone who does not keep up with journals and blogs ... I'm doing pretty good. ha! I felt that I should get on here and post something that is on this side of depressing for once. lol. Not that I feel like it, but don't really want this entire blog thingy ma bobber to be all "I'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists". So yeah... my day:
I got up and went to Body Pump this morning at 6am. So far so good. I can still walk, so we are doing good. We shall see how it turns out tomorrow. After work of course I went tanning. I still can't seem to get this one strip across my belly to tan properly. I guess that's the price you pay when you got them jelly rolls going on. hee hee - Vanisia wanted us to go to a place that had the booths where you stand up in them. I told her I would not be doing that because I would have to hold things up in order for parts of my body to get tanned. ha! Apparently that works while lying down as well. Hmm... but, by the grace of God - I will not have these jelly rolls too much longer. I'm planning to go to The Power of One conference in Memphis in June. I'm hoping to loose another 20 lbs by then. That would put me at a total of 80 lbs down and sadly just over half way to my goal.
So then, to further torture my muscles -- Julie, Rachel, Danielle and I went to the park and played tennis. I had to pretty much force myself to go because I just really did not want to. But hey, it beats being couped up in the house staring at the walls; or worse... doing laundry and cleaning -- ahhhh!! I'm glad I went. Then of course, we had to stop at Sonic to replenish the calories that we had just burned. haha... I restrained myself. I tried ONE of those new Cinasnack thingies -- HIGHLY recommend those and a Cherry Limeade... YUMMMMMY I love love LOVE those things.
And now, since I got absolutely NO sleep last night and was up at 5:30, I'm about to pass out. I have an appointment tomorrow at LTF (Ladies Total Fitness) at 9am to finish my body age assessment test. So pray church pray ... I'm sure I'll be 97 or so.
Yep, definitely just dosed off... time to go to bed. Until later... ASTA!!
I got up and went to Body Pump this morning at 6am. So far so good. I can still walk, so we are doing good. We shall see how it turns out tomorrow. After work of course I went tanning. I still can't seem to get this one strip across my belly to tan properly. I guess that's the price you pay when you got them jelly rolls going on. hee hee - Vanisia wanted us to go to a place that had the booths where you stand up in them. I told her I would not be doing that because I would have to hold things up in order for parts of my body to get tanned. ha! Apparently that works while lying down as well. Hmm... but, by the grace of God - I will not have these jelly rolls too much longer. I'm planning to go to The Power of One conference in Memphis in June. I'm hoping to loose another 20 lbs by then. That would put me at a total of 80 lbs down and sadly just over half way to my goal.
So then, to further torture my muscles -- Julie, Rachel, Danielle and I went to the park and played tennis. I had to pretty much force myself to go because I just really did not want to. But hey, it beats being couped up in the house staring at the walls; or worse... doing laundry and cleaning -- ahhhh!! I'm glad I went. Then of course, we had to stop at Sonic to replenish the calories that we had just burned. haha... I restrained myself. I tried ONE of those new Cinasnack thingies -- HIGHLY recommend those and a Cherry Limeade... YUMMMMMY I love love LOVE those things.
And now, since I got absolutely NO sleep last night and was up at 5:30, I'm about to pass out. I have an appointment tomorrow at LTF (Ladies Total Fitness) at 9am to finish my body age assessment test. So pray church pray ... I'm sure I'll be 97 or so.
Yep, definitely just dosed off... time to go to bed. Until later... ASTA!!
Guess what....
Yeah ... grocery shopping didn't happen. Ha - figures.
We had an AWESOME service tonight at church. Bro. Duffy from Big Stone Gap, VA ( I think ) preached and did he ever more TEAR IT UP!!! He talked about how God led the Israelites with the cloud by day and the fire by night. He talked about how God changed his appearance ( can't think of the word he used right off the top of my head -- I'll have to look back at my notes ) to confuse the enemy. He told us that God was always with them, constantly there leading.
One part of the sermon that hit me HARD, was when he said that he was talking to someone who was struggling. He said they are faithful in church and the things they are involved in. They are faithful to the things taught and preached about, and yet inside there is a struggle. He talked about being honest with God and coming before Him without holding back.
Let me just tell you... I cried and cried until I thought that I could cry no more ... then the floodgates opened up. The man was reading my mail tonight. I really do feel an inner turmoil going on. It's not that I'm questioning God, or the decisions I've made in following Him. I do not doubt for a second that Jesus is God, that I am saved by the grace of God and through my obedience to His word by being baptized in Jesus name and was (and still is) filled with the Holy Ghost evidenced by speaking in tongues. I am not struggling with the fact that I have made a covenant with God and will keep my hair as my glory, uncut and powerful. I don't falter in my stance on holiness and modesty.
My struggle is in the battlefield of my mind. I am struggling to break free of the chains that have bound me for so long. Things in my past - not that I've necessarily done - but that have been done to me, have shaped who I am today and have dictated my thought process and painted the picture of my self image and self worth and self esteem. Somewhere I need to find the strength to say that I'm worth the fight.
It's a struggle. Some days more than others. These past few days have been rough, and I know it's only because I've publicly (sort of) made the proclamation that I will overcome and I will beat this once and for all. So ... anyone who may read this -- I covet your prayers. I've never said it before, but I need help. Now all I gotta do is find it.
And before I go, I feel I must throw out a little disclaimer *winks at Dana*... the purpose of this blog is not to cry oh whoa is me, or to try be the center of attention. If you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention. This is extremely difficult for me. There are, to my knowledge, only 3 people who know about this blog. And it will more than likely remain that way. So if you are randomly stopping by - I apologize for this funk of a mood I am in. Blogs will get better, I promise. And to you three ... thanks for reading this far, and I hope I don't scare you off. =o) I'm just tired of going through life this way, it's got to change, and I'm thinking if I put it "on paper" so to speak... that maybe, just maybe, I can get something accomplished.
Well, I'm due to be up in about 4 hours to head out for my 2nd adventure in Body Pump tomorrow.. .well, later on today at 6am. Wish me luck and let's hope I can walk on Tuesday.
We had an AWESOME service tonight at church. Bro. Duffy from Big Stone Gap, VA ( I think ) preached and did he ever more TEAR IT UP!!! He talked about how God led the Israelites with the cloud by day and the fire by night. He talked about how God changed his appearance ( can't think of the word he used right off the top of my head -- I'll have to look back at my notes ) to confuse the enemy. He told us that God was always with them, constantly there leading.
One part of the sermon that hit me HARD, was when he said that he was talking to someone who was struggling. He said they are faithful in church and the things they are involved in. They are faithful to the things taught and preached about, and yet inside there is a struggle. He talked about being honest with God and coming before Him without holding back.
Let me just tell you... I cried and cried until I thought that I could cry no more ... then the floodgates opened up. The man was reading my mail tonight. I really do feel an inner turmoil going on. It's not that I'm questioning God, or the decisions I've made in following Him. I do not doubt for a second that Jesus is God, that I am saved by the grace of God and through my obedience to His word by being baptized in Jesus name and was (and still is) filled with the Holy Ghost evidenced by speaking in tongues. I am not struggling with the fact that I have made a covenant with God and will keep my hair as my glory, uncut and powerful. I don't falter in my stance on holiness and modesty.
My struggle is in the battlefield of my mind. I am struggling to break free of the chains that have bound me for so long. Things in my past - not that I've necessarily done - but that have been done to me, have shaped who I am today and have dictated my thought process and painted the picture of my self image and self worth and self esteem. Somewhere I need to find the strength to say that I'm worth the fight.
It's a struggle. Some days more than others. These past few days have been rough, and I know it's only because I've publicly (sort of) made the proclamation that I will overcome and I will beat this once and for all. So ... anyone who may read this -- I covet your prayers. I've never said it before, but I need help. Now all I gotta do is find it.
And before I go, I feel I must throw out a little disclaimer *winks at Dana*... the purpose of this blog is not to cry oh whoa is me, or to try be the center of attention. If you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention. This is extremely difficult for me. There are, to my knowledge, only 3 people who know about this blog. And it will more than likely remain that way. So if you are randomly stopping by - I apologize for this funk of a mood I am in. Blogs will get better, I promise. And to you three ... thanks for reading this far, and I hope I don't scare you off. =o) I'm just tired of going through life this way, it's got to change, and I'm thinking if I put it "on paper" so to speak... that maybe, just maybe, I can get something accomplished.
Well, I'm due to be up in about 4 hours to head out for my 2nd adventure in Body Pump tomorrow.. .well, later on today at 6am. Wish me luck and let's hope I can walk on Tuesday.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
*sigh*
well, I've started this blog several times already and deleted everything I've typed. Fact is, I just don't know what to say. You may say, well, just start with how you feel and go from there. See... that's the thing. I'm not really sure. I've really been thinking lately about my life, how I live it, where I have come from, where I am at and where I'm going and would like to go in the future -- and it's all so overwhelming. I was talking to a friend of mine about this very thing the other day.
I feel like, and have for a while now, that there is something out there that God wants me to be doing. I don't know what it is, or even where it is ... and yet, I cannot get myself there. I have closed myself off from everyone for so long and kept everybody out. I have even lied to myself by pushing emotions away and not dealt with them to the point that I am a walking time bomb. It's a cycle really. I've noticed this lately as well. I let things build and build in my life until I reach the point of a complete melt down. I feel that I am approaching a melt down moment. Oh, I hate it. But I've done it for so long as a way of coping... a defense mechanism ... my security blanket -- whatever the reason -- that I just cannot function any other way.
My prayer lately is that I learn to trust. Truely trust. Because I need so badly to be able to trust someone enough just to sit and talk. I need someone to help me. I just need someone. The problem is ... I always find a reason NOT to trust that person (whoever it may be). I talk myself out of it. This weekend is prime example. The one person I feel I trust the most is Hope. She is a very busy woman - I understand that. Married and has three kids, her and her husband both own their own companies. I get that she is busy. As I said - I'm definately approaching a melt down moment. So, being me, it takes days to work up the nerve to even call her (keep in mind.. this is my bestest friend in the world). When I do, I get her voice mail ... and no return call. So I text her later that night ... no answer. Called the next day ... no return call. Text that afternoon ... no answer. To a normal person - it's Friday/Saturday .. she has a family that she barely sees during the week and she's spending time with them. I get that - completely. But in my warped brain ... she doesn't really care. And yes, Dana, I know that is the father of lies in my ear *grin* But you have to understand where I am mentally. So today, I get to church just before practice and leave as soon as they said Amen. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have to smile and be nice because I really can't force it today. She knows my behavior patterns, so just a few minutes ago I get a text from her. And what am I doing? yep, not answering it. I am such a freaking lunatic you know that??
I absoluetly cannot believe that I'm about to post this out for the world to see, but my God ... I've just gotta get some of it out. And... this is where I freeze ... every time. As I sit here and stare at the screen and watch 5 mintues tick away... what to say? What exactly is it that I need to get off my chest so bad? Who knows...
Joy had posted a blog sometime last month that I just read yesterday. She was saying how powerful words are and can be. She was saying how anything a person says is just a layer surrounding what they really want to say and who they truely are. She says:
"It takes a process of time to peel back the layers of what is really in our hearts. Sometimes these layers are built by distrust, hurt, pain of rejection, and no matter how much you want to share your true self with anyone, it causes you to have to make the decision of vulnerability of your heart. Do you trust this person enough to unveil your true self...and if and when you do...will they still like you...want to be with you...and the deepest risk of all...will they still love you?"
Maybe that is my fear... no, I know it is. Dana says I care too much what people think. I think that's true as well. I have always been the strong one. No matter what happened, I was always standing. Funny thing is, as soon as I was alone, I crumbled. So why, when I need help the most, do I run away?
My theme song here lately is one of most recent choir songs called "I'm Still Standing"
I feel like, and have for a while now, that there is something out there that God wants me to be doing. I don't know what it is, or even where it is ... and yet, I cannot get myself there. I have closed myself off from everyone for so long and kept everybody out. I have even lied to myself by pushing emotions away and not dealt with them to the point that I am a walking time bomb. It's a cycle really. I've noticed this lately as well. I let things build and build in my life until I reach the point of a complete melt down. I feel that I am approaching a melt down moment. Oh, I hate it. But I've done it for so long as a way of coping... a defense mechanism ... my security blanket -- whatever the reason -- that I just cannot function any other way.
My prayer lately is that I learn to trust. Truely trust. Because I need so badly to be able to trust someone enough just to sit and talk. I need someone to help me. I just need someone. The problem is ... I always find a reason NOT to trust that person (whoever it may be). I talk myself out of it. This weekend is prime example. The one person I feel I trust the most is Hope. She is a very busy woman - I understand that. Married and has three kids, her and her husband both own their own companies. I get that she is busy. As I said - I'm definately approaching a melt down moment. So, being me, it takes days to work up the nerve to even call her (keep in mind.. this is my bestest friend in the world). When I do, I get her voice mail ... and no return call. So I text her later that night ... no answer. Called the next day ... no return call. Text that afternoon ... no answer. To a normal person - it's Friday/Saturday .. she has a family that she barely sees during the week and she's spending time with them. I get that - completely. But in my warped brain ... she doesn't really care. And yes, Dana, I know that is the father of lies in my ear *grin* But you have to understand where I am mentally. So today, I get to church just before practice and leave as soon as they said Amen. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have to smile and be nice because I really can't force it today. She knows my behavior patterns, so just a few minutes ago I get a text from her. And what am I doing? yep, not answering it. I am such a freaking lunatic you know that??
I absoluetly cannot believe that I'm about to post this out for the world to see, but my God ... I've just gotta get some of it out. And... this is where I freeze ... every time. As I sit here and stare at the screen and watch 5 mintues tick away... what to say? What exactly is it that I need to get off my chest so bad? Who knows...
Joy had posted a blog sometime last month that I just read yesterday. She was saying how powerful words are and can be. She was saying how anything a person says is just a layer surrounding what they really want to say and who they truely are. She says:
"It takes a process of time to peel back the layers of what is really in our hearts. Sometimes these layers are built by distrust, hurt, pain of rejection, and no matter how much you want to share your true self with anyone, it causes you to have to make the decision of vulnerability of your heart. Do you trust this person enough to unveil your true self...and if and when you do...will they still like you...want to be with you...and the deepest risk of all...will they still love you?"
Maybe that is my fear... no, I know it is. Dana says I care too much what people think. I think that's true as well. I have always been the strong one. No matter what happened, I was always standing. Funny thing is, as soon as I was alone, I crumbled. So why, when I need help the most, do I run away?
My theme song here lately is one of most recent choir songs called "I'm Still Standing"
If not for Your goodness if not for Your grace
I don't know where I would be today
If not for Your kindness I never could say
I'm still standing
If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love
I most likely would have given up
If not for Your favor I never could say
I'm still standing
~~~
But by the grace of God
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand
On Christ the solid rock I stand - but by the grace of God
~~~
I'm still standing
I'm still standing
I'm still standing
But but by the grace of God
~~~
(I'm still singing, shouting, leaping ... and so on)
~~~
That is my "in your face devil" song. Because I am still standing. Everything that he put in my way to try to take me down... I am still standing! Granted - bleeding, bruised and disoriented ... but by the grace of God ... I'm still standing. And I will beat this - I will overcome - I will still be standing ... I just need a little help. The problem is... asking for it.
.
So... I'll go grocery shopping with Hope tonight... and more than likely I'll tell her I'm fine. Apparently when I tell her "I'm 'aight" is when she knows I'm really not. So I'll try to avoid that. haha... I'm such a goober.
.
Well, I'm off to the tanning bed. Never got that laundry done yesterday, so when I get back... it's all about laundry. It's sad when you would rather buy new underwear than wash the ones you've got. ha - I did that yesterday. I keep telling myself it's because all of the ones I do have are too big now .... but I really just didn't want to wash them... haha.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Out of Order...
So, I found this on a friend's EC page. Take some time (if you have it) to click on the following links. Some good preaching here that I think we all could learn a little something from. I know there are times that I feel out of order -- now being one of them. And I know that there are things that I need to get taken care of. I have a few verses to go... I can never get the embeded YouTube things to work, so I do appologize...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yVrdMjHjIQ (part one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcLluebWOX8 (part two)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB3DgW79PWI (part three)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmP2lfeEJmA (part four)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yVrdMjHjIQ (part one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcLluebWOX8 (part two)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB3DgW79PWI (part three)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmP2lfeEJmA (part four)
What a day!!!
AHHHHHH!!!! Yeah - that's definately me screaming. ha! So acctually...it's been a rough week. I've definately been just barely on this side of a panic attack all day. I can't stand that feeling. I really just want to stab someone and get it over with. lol.
Not really in the mood to go into details - what's the point anyway. So I'll just "scream" in here and get it over with. I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit and then take my frustrations out on the piles of laundry I need to do. Should be okay - nothing breakable there.
Then... when I calm down, I'll be back to write more about my trip...woohoo!!
Not really in the mood to go into details - what's the point anyway. So I'll just "scream" in here and get it over with. I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit and then take my frustrations out on the piles of laundry I need to do. Should be okay - nothing breakable there.
Then... when I calm down, I'll be back to write more about my trip...woohoo!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Thought for the day...
Today's Quote
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
-Charles Caleb Colton
Thought I'd share that with you ... It's very true. I'm thankful for all my friends!! Oh, and I'll have to post in here about the message on holiness last night. Was REALLY good - check it out on the church's website, you can watch it in the archived section. I'll put highlights in here later...
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
-Charles Caleb Colton
Thought I'd share that with you ... It's very true. I'm thankful for all my friends!! Oh, and I'll have to post in here about the message on holiness last night. Was REALLY good - check it out on the church's website, you can watch it in the archived section. I'll put highlights in here later...
O...M....G -- I'm gonna die.
I woke up today and could not move. Literally hurt to move, breath, even think. Okay, so not that bad, but took me about 10 minutes or so to get out of bed. Took me a good minute just to work up enough nerve to even attempt to sit down on the toilet. And YOU KNOW how bad you gotta go in the morning. ugh! I'm hurting soooo bad. I have been at this plateau for a while now and it's driving me crazy. I joined back to Ladies Total Fitness (along with half the ladies in my church). I have been doing pretty good at work in their gym. Before we left for London/Paris I was going every day either before/after work or on my lunch break. Sometimes both. And in the last year and half or so I've lost almost 70 lbs. Great accomplishment, I understand that, but frustrating as CRAP when you are watching what you eat, working out almost daily and still not loosing weight. Yes, the "you're gaining muscle" excuse... well, when is the point that you stop gaining muscle? Will I eventually become one huge-mungus muscle? Anyway, so I boycotted when I got back. Only for a week though.
Anyhow, so I thought -- I'm used to working out, I've got some good lean muscle mass according to the little BMI thing, lets just try Body Pump (and at 6am I might add-- now THAT was a struggle in and of itself). The workout itself was not so bad, but as the day progressed my legs and my butt slowly got more and more sore. Not to mention they about gave out on my during the work out. So this morning.... yeah - cannot move. And guess what?! I had another appointment this morning with my trainer Michelle at 8am. She just followed me around the weight circuit and made sure I knew how to adjust everything and properly lift the weights so I did not injure myself. Oh, it was a struggle. But I did it, and glad too -- because at least now I can walk. A couple hours ago I could not even do that. Ohhhh but I'm sore!!!
Anyone for Body Pump tomorrow at 6am?? I must be glutton for punishment. I'll rest over the weekend though. By Michelle's orders. She said I'm pushing myself too hard and I need to let my body rest. I'll figure out a good workout routine to fit my schedule... along with all the other stuff that I need to get organized in my life. hahaha...
So.. plan for tonight: After work I've got to go fix Grammie's hair so she can be all pretty-fied for traveling down to Mississippi for the funeral tomorrow. Speaking of which - please pray for my family. My great Aunt Mary passed away yesterday. This would be Grammie's, brother's wife. His name is Jimmy Cooper, and he's absolutely devastated as you can imagine. They are saying it was Congestive Heart Failure, but we think there may have been some ... I guess lack of care at the hospital that added to the situation. Some of you may know Bro. Dino Graham (not sure if that's spelled right)... this is his mother - Mary Cooper. My mom's planning to go and I'm trying to talk her into stopping through here on her way... we'll see.
Back to my plan -- after Grammie's, I'm gonna try to figure out this blasted camera (while watching CSI and ER of course-- waaaaay excited about the writer's strike being over) and get some pictures on here. Some of my far away friends are getting a little aggravated that I have yet to post some. I'm sorry, I'm working on it.
Well, I better head to the bookstore and catch up on some work before I head to my real job - ha! Wish me luck ...
Anyhow, so I thought -- I'm used to working out, I've got some good lean muscle mass according to the little BMI thing, lets just try Body Pump (and at 6am I might add-- now THAT was a struggle in and of itself). The workout itself was not so bad, but as the day progressed my legs and my butt slowly got more and more sore. Not to mention they about gave out on my during the work out. So this morning.... yeah - cannot move. And guess what?! I had another appointment this morning with my trainer Michelle at 8am. She just followed me around the weight circuit and made sure I knew how to adjust everything and properly lift the weights so I did not injure myself. Oh, it was a struggle. But I did it, and glad too -- because at least now I can walk. A couple hours ago I could not even do that. Ohhhh but I'm sore!!!
Anyone for Body Pump tomorrow at 6am?? I must be glutton for punishment. I'll rest over the weekend though. By Michelle's orders. She said I'm pushing myself too hard and I need to let my body rest. I'll figure out a good workout routine to fit my schedule... along with all the other stuff that I need to get organized in my life. hahaha...
So.. plan for tonight: After work I've got to go fix Grammie's hair so she can be all pretty-fied for traveling down to Mississippi for the funeral tomorrow. Speaking of which - please pray for my family. My great Aunt Mary passed away yesterday. This would be Grammie's, brother's wife. His name is Jimmy Cooper, and he's absolutely devastated as you can imagine. They are saying it was Congestive Heart Failure, but we think there may have been some ... I guess lack of care at the hospital that added to the situation. Some of you may know Bro. Dino Graham (not sure if that's spelled right)... this is his mother - Mary Cooper. My mom's planning to go and I'm trying to talk her into stopping through here on her way... we'll see.
Back to my plan -- after Grammie's, I'm gonna try to figure out this blasted camera (while watching CSI and ER of course-- waaaaay excited about the writer's strike being over) and get some pictures on here. Some of my far away friends are getting a little aggravated that I have yet to post some. I'm sorry, I'm working on it.
Well, I better head to the bookstore and catch up on some work before I head to my real job - ha! Wish me luck ...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A work in process ...
So, I sat in my car yesterday on my lunch and began writing. I've been wanting to pick that back up for a while, and just have not done so. This is what I came up with ... it's not completed and needs a lot of work. But I'm determined to bust out of this shell I've created for myself and try to reach out and branch out and all those other "out" phrases. ha! So I'm sharing ... I hear a melody with it, so I suppose it's going to be a song, and I only have half of the second verse ...
The father of lies is at it again
trying to cause defeat
He comes at me daily putting thoughts in my head
And he whipsers - go ahead and retreat
I try to walk forward spinning out of control
determined not to give in
He's creeping through the darkness about to take hold
And I fall to my knees once again
---
I've got no where to run
There's no where to hide
Lord, I need you right by my side
I can't move ahead
And I won't turn back now
All I can do is stand my ground
But I won't turn around
---
If you feel defeated child, just lift up your head
Your help is just a prayer away
Surrounded by darkness, all your fears have been fed
But all it takes is just a little faith
(here would be the missing part)
---
You don't have to run
And you don't have to hide
He is still standing by your side
Just open your heart
And lay it all down
Once was lost and now you're found
Just don't turn around
Like I said ... a work in progress ... be gentle. ha! Gotta go to work, I'll have to tell you all about my first Body Pump class later ... let's just say -- my legs are still shaking, oh wait - I have legs?! haha. Later...
Day two!
~~~ Day 2 - Thursday March 27th ~~~
Today, after breakfast, we (Tiffany, Cindy, Sis. Debbie, Leanne, Naomi, and myself) headed out to see the sites. First stop was the London Tower. We had a great tour that told us of all the bloody history there, who was beheaded where and what stones they dug up in the little chapel to burry them under. Next was St. Paul's Cathedreal. Tiffany and I decided not to take the tour, but I found it hilarious that we both spotted the same little street tucked away with cute little shops. So we headed back there and did some seriously no touchie window shoping. That was really difficult around that shoe shop, but we made it though. We found this little coffee shop that had to die for hot chocoalte and this oh so yummy shortbread/carmel/chocholate... thing that I even tracked down another shop later to get another of. Mmmm... could use one right about now too. ha!
One particular store we shopped at... well, let me rephrase that - one store we stopped to drool over things that we could not purchase, there was a pretty cool display. First of all there were purses (and we all know my feelings about purses), but the mingled CAKES in with the purses on display. Now that's how you display some accessories! I definately took a picture and was quickly told that was not allowed. Oops - just kidding.
Next stop -- Piccadilli Circus and the theater district. We are planning to go see Phantom of the Opera tomorrow night. The cheapest we can find is 40 pounds. Roughly 80 american dollars, but who else can say they've gone to the theater in LONDON?!? After pricing a bunch of places we headed back to the hotel to rest up a little before dinner.
Okay - so back to yesterday... where was I ...
Our flight out of Newark was delayed, and then once we arrived in London, it was another hour and a half drive to the hotel. We got here about 9am and basically stopped to use the bathroom (in the lobby), change guides and head back out. We had arrived too early to check into the hotel, so they had planned a tour of London that day. Poor Shawn - we were all so very tired from traveling all night and some of us throughout the day before. He took us all over London, knew absolutely everything - even random trivia - and he really was funny, we were all just too tired to laugh. We got back to the hotel about 1pm and was able to check in. Some of the group was way to wiped to do anything, but Sis. Debbie, Cindy, Tiffany, Leanne, Jason, Chad, Kara, Gayla and I took off.
We set out to walk to ... well, I can't remember where we set out for; but we figured we walked about 2 miles or so before we gave up and bought passes for the TUBE. That's London's underground transportation. Confusing as CRAP, but much better than walking all over creation. We got back to the hotel just in time for dinner and then most of us crashed. Jason and David decided to go back out and head down to the theater district. I definately went right to sleep. ha!
This morning we got up around 9am and have been going pretty much all day. We rested up before dinner and then went back out to see Big Ben, The London Eye, and others at night. WE tried to find the cute little Jazz Club that we saw earlier, but could not find it. So it's just after midnight and we are trying to wind down to get some rest for another full day tomorrow. Some have booked all day tours - I think one of them is to Stonehendge, but we are doing more walking around. I'm hoping to have time for the Jack the Ripper tour before the Phanotom of the Opera. We'll see...
Okay... so the group [little editorial comment here - taking a huge breath b/c now people I know will acctually read this - ha!]. I was acctually afriad that I would be the oldest, but I am one of the youngest here! Let's see...
There's Leanne - hilarious!! Love her! She's from Cali, and has been through a lot with a dead beat husband. Definately already invited Tiff and I out to her house.
A woman from her church, Cindy, came with her. She teaches 3rd grade and reminds me a LOT of one of the girls from IBC named Leanna. She's TINY, has gorgeious black hair. She is very proper, very structured, and very orgainzed. She is our TUBE expert.
Naomi also came with them. She is funny. I love it because she will say whatever she thinks - whenever she wants. [cutest story to come about Naomi when we get to Paris]
Sis. Debbie is pretty cool. She is our guide and is apparently over the Singles Ministry for the UPC. She looks a lot like my aunt Cathy - it's creepy sometimes. She says I look like someone who used to attned her church - hmm. She's also from Cali, but not the same area as Leanne, Cindy and Naomi. I can't tell sometimes if she's joking or not - she says she is, so I've started firing those sarcastic comments right back at her. =o) She's fun.
At this point I think I definately passed out. I'm cracking up at myself at this point. It's funny how much you get to know people while on a trip like this. I feel like I have known these people my entire life, and really hated to leave them. How funny is that? Like - I wanted to bawl in the airport. Geez Jen... you've only known these people for 8 days!! I think part of it was just getting back to the same ol same ol. It was soooo nice to be completely out of touch for a week. Others had to have contact with the States, I welcomed the chance to completely get away. A friend and I had one of our marathon conversations the other day (in which she told me i needed therapy - ha! ....... yeah - I agree)... definately 6 hours long - a record for us... and we had discussed how I have always fantasized about just picking up and moving myself into the middle of no where where not a soul knows me and I can just completely start over. Now, don't go thinking that I'm running from problems or mistakes of my past or the law or anything like that... well, it's a long story and I'm not going to get into it now. Anyway - my point is that I seriously enjoyed myself, was able to forget (even if for just a few days) all that was going on here; and I felt like I was given the chance to truely be me for the first time in a long time. There were no expectations, no pre-conceived oppinions of me based on knowledge of where I come from or who my family is -- just complete strangers meeting for the first time who share in our single-ness and love for One God!
Now I feel like I'm rambling. I'm out for now- It's alreay after midnight and I've gotta get up "at the crack" and sis. Debbie would say. haha!! I've bit the bullet and joined back to Ladies Total Fitness, and I'm hitting my first "Body Pump" class tomorrow to try to jump start myself out of this weight loss plateau. God, I'm gonna die! It's at 6am (ahhhh!!!). So I've gotta get some rest. However, since I signed up again the did the whole body fat assessment thing... and was impressed. When I had joined last time (hold on for this) my BMI was at 51% ... yesterday - it was 36%. Woohoo - go me!! That was encouraging. I've only lost 65 lbs, but apparently have lost a lot more fat than that and gained a whole lot of muscle. ha -- I was going to put what my "lean mass" weight was... but... um ... some smart alleck would do the math and figure out that total weight of mine and we just can't have that now can we. hee hee. Ok - gotta go... asta!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Who has Internet back?!?
Oh - stinkin' - yeah!!! How excited am I?? I can't wait to get on here and finish writting about my trip to LONDON and PARIS! Maybe I can get the camera to fork over my pics so I can post them on here. Woohoo. Right now though -- I must go unwind in my lovely bathtub. More to come very shortly...woohoo!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Craziness...
So I'm here at the bookstore and came to get some work done and to post some more about my trip on here. Well.... I forgot my journal in the car and I'm not going back out to get it.
Now... on my list of things to do today I was going to call and get my Internet back from Charter. They are currently running a package for 69.98 per month, for me this would upgrade my cable to digital and give me cable Internet. (OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU CABLE INTERNET) Then I was going to cancel the web from my cell. Works out about even. Will knock 30 bucks from my cell bill and add it to Charter and the benefit of a full screen when trying to 'text' my emails and the convenience of having it at home and not having to come to the bookstore to post anything.
Ok, so I call - get this very nice lady for once. You just do not know the trouble I have with Customer Service Agents. No matter what company I am calling, I typically get the dumbest rep they have. I'm definitely not kidding either. *shakes head* Anyhow - this woman actually knew what she was talking about, even though it made no sense. Here's the short version of the 30 minute conversation we had....
I have had both digital cable and cable Internet set up at my home before. When canceling, I had to drop off the cable box to the office. I had purchased my own cable modem so I did not have to rent or buy from Charter. I still have that and all the cables to hook everything up. Now, because I am getting a package and upgrading to cable, they want to charge me to install them. So I ask if I can just come pick up the box and install myself. Here's where it gets interesting. If I am JUST upgrading cable *or* JUST adding Internet I can do that. However, since I'm adding both they have to charge me an installation fee of 49.95. If I want to just have them install the box and I self install the Internet it will be 36.95 fee. So I ask - some man is going to come to my house, drop off a box that I could have picked up, connect existing cables from my wall this box and to my existing modem, program my remote and charge me 49.95. She was silent. How crazy is that!! When she realized I was not going to pay it because I'm smarter than most people who would have said "ok" since they weren't requiring it up front they were going to bill me for it... she told me to do this. I can "self install" my cable box by picking that up tomorrow and calling for them to find a signal. Then, once installed I can call to add Internet and because I am already a digital member with the cable upgrade, then they can let me self install the Internet.
Can someone please tell me how that makes any sense at all?!? Craziness!!
Well, I'm off to the tanning bed and then home from some popcorn and a movie!! Hopefully soon I'll be online at home and can update more on my trip.
Asta!
Now... on my list of things to do today I was going to call and get my Internet back from Charter. They are currently running a package for 69.98 per month, for me this would upgrade my cable to digital and give me cable Internet. (OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU CABLE INTERNET) Then I was going to cancel the web from my cell. Works out about even. Will knock 30 bucks from my cell bill and add it to Charter and the benefit of a full screen when trying to 'text' my emails and the convenience of having it at home and not having to come to the bookstore to post anything.
Ok, so I call - get this very nice lady for once. You just do not know the trouble I have with Customer Service Agents. No matter what company I am calling, I typically get the dumbest rep they have. I'm definitely not kidding either. *shakes head* Anyhow - this woman actually knew what she was talking about, even though it made no sense. Here's the short version of the 30 minute conversation we had....
I have had both digital cable and cable Internet set up at my home before. When canceling, I had to drop off the cable box to the office. I had purchased my own cable modem so I did not have to rent or buy from Charter. I still have that and all the cables to hook everything up. Now, because I am getting a package and upgrading to cable, they want to charge me to install them. So I ask if I can just come pick up the box and install myself. Here's where it gets interesting. If I am JUST upgrading cable *or* JUST adding Internet I can do that. However, since I'm adding both they have to charge me an installation fee of 49.95. If I want to just have them install the box and I self install the Internet it will be 36.95 fee. So I ask - some man is going to come to my house, drop off a box that I could have picked up, connect existing cables from my wall this box and to my existing modem, program my remote and charge me 49.95. She was silent. How crazy is that!! When she realized I was not going to pay it because I'm smarter than most people who would have said "ok" since they weren't requiring it up front they were going to bill me for it... she told me to do this. I can "self install" my cable box by picking that up tomorrow and calling for them to find a signal. Then, once installed I can call to add Internet and because I am already a digital member with the cable upgrade, then they can let me self install the Internet.
Can someone please tell me how that makes any sense at all?!? Craziness!!
Well, I'm off to the tanning bed and then home from some popcorn and a movie!! Hopefully soon I'll be online at home and can update more on my trip.
Asta!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Day one -- Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Our first day in London!!! How excited am I?! Yesterday was filled with airports and planes and plenty of layovers. My day started at 4am. My flight from Knoxville left on time at 6am, arriving in Chicago at 6:45am. I think had a four hour layover in which I walked for what seemed like miles going into all the little shops looking for some last minute items. It's really hard to find a Jude Deveraux book you know?? I was about four chapters away from finishing mind and knew I needed something else to occupy my time. No such luck. So - I started a Max Lucado book.
I left Chicago ((ON TIME!!)) around 10:45 and arrived in Newark, NJ just before 2pm. Another 4 hour layover for a flight to London scheduled for 6:55pm. We ended up taking off somewhere around 8:30 and landed just before 6am local time.
I'm still trying to remember names, but have met some nice (and some interesting) people. My rommie - Tiffany - is great. She's from New Jersey, and so far her only fault is snoring. And that would be exactly 10 seconds after her head hit the pillow. We are all so very tired from the entire day of traveling and jet lag is setting in. Some of us more than others.
yeah -- definitely fell asleep at this point. It really wasn't cute, I was drooling all over - it was gross. And so far... I've not had any luck getting these blasted pictures from my camera onto my computer to be able to post some. I'll figure it out eventually. I could have just got the CD from WalMart when I developed all 455 of them. HAHA ... but how many cd's would I have to get - I don't even want to think about it.
Well... more to come in other posts, but for now I must become acquainted with my comfy bed. I'm pooped!! We had a late night rehearsal tonight for our newly formed "traveling chorale". Our first (what Bro. Erickson is calling) tour we are supposed to drive to St. Louis Thursday morning and sing Thursday night for the Gateway music thingy. Then drive back Friday morning in time to sing at the Youth Retreat up in Pigeon Forge (about 45 min from me). I will not be going to St. Louis for the simple fact that it was (a) travel one night and sing or (b) Paris and London ... hmmm... HELLIER!!! You obviously know the choice I made.
Aight - I gotta go, I'm falling a sleep and still gotta get home. Asta!
I left Chicago ((ON TIME!!)) around 10:45 and arrived in Newark, NJ just before 2pm. Another 4 hour layover for a flight to London scheduled for 6:55pm. We ended up taking off somewhere around 8:30 and landed just before 6am local time.
I'm still trying to remember names, but have met some nice (and some interesting) people. My rommie - Tiffany - is great. She's from New Jersey, and so far her only fault is snoring. And that would be exactly 10 seconds after her head hit the pillow. We are all so very tired from the entire day of traveling and jet lag is setting in. Some of us more than others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yeah -- definitely fell asleep at this point. It really wasn't cute, I was drooling all over - it was gross. And so far... I've not had any luck getting these blasted pictures from my camera onto my computer to be able to post some. I'll figure it out eventually. I could have just got the CD from WalMart when I developed all 455 of them. HAHA ... but how many cd's would I have to get - I don't even want to think about it.
Well... more to come in other posts, but for now I must become acquainted with my comfy bed. I'm pooped!! We had a late night rehearsal tonight for our newly formed "traveling chorale". Our first (what Bro. Erickson is calling) tour we are supposed to drive to St. Louis Thursday morning and sing Thursday night for the Gateway music thingy. Then drive back Friday morning in time to sing at the Youth Retreat up in Pigeon Forge (about 45 min from me). I will not be going to St. Louis for the simple fact that it was (a) travel one night and sing or (b) Paris and London ... hmmm... HELLIER!!! You obviously know the choice I made.
Aight - I gotta go, I'm falling a sleep and still gotta get home. Asta!
A Journey begins
These next few blogs I will be transferring from my paper journal that I kept while touring London and Paris into this blog. Just a disclaimer so that you understand this is not actually happening now, but did happen. Confused yet? Oh well, just read and enjoy ... and be jealous. ha!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A journey begins. Leaving Chicago I feel anxious, nervous, and a little nauseous - gotta love the windy city - but I'm so excited that I think my innerds just may burst. This is a trip of a lifetime and I can't wait. I can hardly wrap my brain around the fact that in less than 24 hours, I will be in London, England. How exciting!! How terrifying! There are only 17 of us going and I know not a one of them. New people, new experiences, new places - a new country! Let the journey begin!
I am hoping that this trip will be a turning point in my life. I need it to be - something has to change. This really is the first real thing that I have done completely for myself, and I'm hoping that the extreme "getting away" that I'm doing will be just the getting away that I need.
I have always fantasized about running away to a place where nobody knows me - where I can start over and start fresh. that will never happen because I believe, whole-heartily, that I am where God wants me to be. I can't say that this will always be my home - but this is were I need to be.
I've recently decided to take an emotional journey as well. I've always been one to hold everything in... just walk away until it does not hurt anymore; but the problem with that is - the pain is still there. I've only managed to build up my pain tolerance. So what does a life without pain feel like? I don't really know - but I'm determined to find healing. It will be hard, it will be rough, and I will have to learn to trust someone enough to help me through this. I just pray I have the strength to face all those demons of the past in order to heal these twenty-some-odd-year-old wounds -- even if I never know what caused them in the first place. I just know that I don't have the strength to continue like this very much longer. And so, ... another journey begins.
Bitterness...
So ... I had every intention of coming back to the bookstore tonight to write of the wonderful time I had and the awesome people I met on my trip to London and Paris. I will eventually post some pics, but if you must see some now - head on over to Gayla's Gabfest blog because her's are going to be ten times better anyhow.
Anyway, I just sat through my nine hundred and fifty second sermon on bitterness. Okay, yeah, slight exaggeration; but seriously -- in the last 10 sermons or so I've heard, this makes the 5th one on bitterness. It's to the point now where I'm like... Okay God, is there some bitterness lurking around that I am unaware of?
I fully understand the dangers of bitterness. It can, and will, overtake everything in your life. And I wonder... am I bitter?
After sermon #4 on bitterness, I asked by best friend if she thought I was a bitter person. Her response was no, that she thinks I'm just very hurt and will not allow myself to heal (in a nutshell). Which I can see that, I agree. But am I just hurt?? Where does pain become bitterness? And is there a point in bitterness that you no longer recognize that you have become bitter?
I feel I should mention another fault of mine -- that would be over analysing. But this question has plauged me for the last few weeks. What if all these years I have struggled against the hurts of the past, not knowing it was bitterness all along; and out of ignorace have let it continue to grow and overtake other areas of my life.
Pastor was saying how a bitter person chooses their circle of friends very carefully, not letting anyone in that does not share the exact same viewpoint. This way we share in our bitterness rather than have a true friend to stand up and point out that we are wrong. So, have I kept my "circle of friends" extremly small because I have lived my entire life with a fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt and abandoned ... or have I pushed them away because they could point out my bitterness?
If I am bitter -- I am not your typical bitter person. However, I do everything sort of... left of center. I internalize everything. So when a typical bitter person would lash out at the ones that have caused the hurt... I'm the one that says there is something wrong within me to make this person do that. So ... maybe that means I'm not bitter.... ??
Do you see how confused I am? I really just want to get my head together. I need to tear down some walls that have been in place for far too long, uproot some things that have been planted years ago, learn to trust more, love more, give more of myself without fear. You say - oh that sounds easy. But how wrong you are. Those words terrify me. And yet, it must be done in order to heal... in order to finally move on.
Such a heavy topic, and truthfully surprised I acctually typed it here for the world to see. I started this blog in a place where nobody would know me. (that would be another fear of mine -- shhh don't tell). Seems it's easier putting things out there if you know you will never have to face these people. Funny how things work out that this is a form of contact for two of my newest friends. Niiice, but you know -- I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of worrying about what others will think. Maybe I should just got crazy one good time, get it over with. Ha... I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've always had it together. At least outwardly, so how do I go about fixing what is broken inwardly?
*sigh* Too much to think about tonight. The next time we meet will be under more cheerful circumstances. Hopefully get some pics posted and tell you about the wonderful things we did and about my new friends!
Sweet dreams...
Anyway, I just sat through my nine hundred and fifty second sermon on bitterness. Okay, yeah, slight exaggeration; but seriously -- in the last 10 sermons or so I've heard, this makes the 5th one on bitterness. It's to the point now where I'm like... Okay God, is there some bitterness lurking around that I am unaware of?
I fully understand the dangers of bitterness. It can, and will, overtake everything in your life. And I wonder... am I bitter?
After sermon #4 on bitterness, I asked by best friend if she thought I was a bitter person. Her response was no, that she thinks I'm just very hurt and will not allow myself to heal (in a nutshell). Which I can see that, I agree. But am I just hurt?? Where does pain become bitterness? And is there a point in bitterness that you no longer recognize that you have become bitter?
I feel I should mention another fault of mine -- that would be over analysing. But this question has plauged me for the last few weeks. What if all these years I have struggled against the hurts of the past, not knowing it was bitterness all along; and out of ignorace have let it continue to grow and overtake other areas of my life.
Pastor was saying how a bitter person chooses their circle of friends very carefully, not letting anyone in that does not share the exact same viewpoint. This way we share in our bitterness rather than have a true friend to stand up and point out that we are wrong. So, have I kept my "circle of friends" extremly small because I have lived my entire life with a fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt and abandoned ... or have I pushed them away because they could point out my bitterness?
If I am bitter -- I am not your typical bitter person. However, I do everything sort of... left of center. I internalize everything. So when a typical bitter person would lash out at the ones that have caused the hurt... I'm the one that says there is something wrong within me to make this person do that. So ... maybe that means I'm not bitter.... ??
Do you see how confused I am? I really just want to get my head together. I need to tear down some walls that have been in place for far too long, uproot some things that have been planted years ago, learn to trust more, love more, give more of myself without fear. You say - oh that sounds easy. But how wrong you are. Those words terrify me. And yet, it must be done in order to heal... in order to finally move on.
Such a heavy topic, and truthfully surprised I acctually typed it here for the world to see. I started this blog in a place where nobody would know me. (that would be another fear of mine -- shhh don't tell). Seems it's easier putting things out there if you know you will never have to face these people. Funny how things work out that this is a form of contact for two of my newest friends. Niiice, but you know -- I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of worrying about what others will think. Maybe I should just got crazy one good time, get it over with. Ha... I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've always had it together. At least outwardly, so how do I go about fixing what is broken inwardly?
*sigh* Too much to think about tonight. The next time we meet will be under more cheerful circumstances. Hopefully get some pics posted and tell you about the wonderful things we did and about my new friends!
Sweet dreams...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Who woulda thunk it?
So, I just get back from this trip to London and Paris and meet some incredible people who give me their blog information. So I'm checking them out today and decide to set up one of my own. Ha... I already have one!! haha. So, I guess here's my 2nd blog post ever!! =o)
I'm gonna try to get some pictures up here and relay some of what I have written in a paper journal about our travels. And to the one lone comment-er on that last blog like 5,000 centuries ago -- I do appologize and I will try better to do exactly what I set out to do. Share - the one thing I can never do. But I will try.
For now -- still kinda jet lagged and gonna go get some groceries, take a hot bath (and I do mean STEAMING) and head to bed. All that walking in the rain has done a number for my sinuses as well. Hoping to be feeling better tomorrow. We've got newbies working w/ us and I need to be on point.
Asta!
I'm gonna try to get some pictures up here and relay some of what I have written in a paper journal about our travels. And to the one lone comment-er on that last blog like 5,000 centuries ago -- I do appologize and I will try better to do exactly what I set out to do. Share - the one thing I can never do. But I will try.
For now -- still kinda jet lagged and gonna go get some groceries, take a hot bath (and I do mean STEAMING) and head to bed. All that walking in the rain has done a number for my sinuses as well. Hoping to be feeling better tomorrow. We've got newbies working w/ us and I need to be on point.
Asta!
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