UGH!!! I just typed this whole gut wrenching blog about junk w/ my dad and it's GONE!! *sigh*
I don't have the energy or the emotional strength to do that again. It will have to wait for another time. I'm about to fall over as it is, and my chest is hurting bad tonight, I need to sleep!!!
I will say this ... has been a good visit so far -- but I just cannot let my guard completely down. He decided to stay another day, so I'm working early tomorrow (shhh... don't tell the Erickson's cuz I'm still ditching Praise and Worship practice even though I'm not working) and we may try to get together for lunch.
There is so much that I want to talk to him about, so much that I want to ask him, so much that I feel like I need to understand... and yet I can't bring myself to do it. Hope says I need to leave it alone. She seems to think that digging up the past will harm more than help, and it's better not to know. I told her that I wonder in techno-color and she still thinks I need to leave it alone. I just don't know. I feel like I need to understand why I am the way that I am, and in order to do so and to change it, I must first understand how I got to this point. Ya know what I mean?
*sigh* I've gotta go... more to come later.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
wow...
So... several entries ago, I had lost a blog entry that I had started due to a freezing going on of my laptop. Well... low and behold - this nifty little website saves all your drafts. Hmm... found that today. so here is that long lost entry... evidentially did not save it all... so I'll be adding a bit to it.
I really don't know where to begin, what to say, how to explain how the last two days have been so far. I am incredibly uneasy, anxious, nervous - and a lot of other things - about my dad being here. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he really and truly is here to see me. Maybe I've just been programed to think that way and it's hard to override that; but at the same time, I don't want to let my guard down only to get my heart broken again. Right now, at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot take another heartache.
I really don't know where to begin, what to say, how to explain how the last two days have been so far. I am incredibly uneasy, anxious, nervous - and a lot of other things - about my dad being here. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he really and truly is here to see me. Maybe I've just been programed to think that way and it's hard to override that; but at the same time, I don't want to let my guard down only to get my heart broken again. Right now, at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot take another heartache.
All my life I have longed to be a "daddy's girl" ... and all my life I have been let down. It's hard to explain exactly what goes through my mind and what I feel - because I don't really understand it myself. I miss someone that I've never had a relationship with... I love him so much and want him so much to be in my life when (in my mind) all he has done is pushed me away. However, over the last few months/years I have noticed a change. Slightly less sarcastic, and more willing to participate in any sort of conversation, and now this... after 26 years of nothing - a HUGE something. Any contact that we had - at all - was if I initiated it. If I saw him, it was because I called and invited myself over or practically begged for an invite. Now, after going on 9 years of being away from my home town, he decides he's going to come see me. And so far it is just to see me. I cannot comprehend that - it does not belong in my vocabulary. I'm still shocked, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Meanwhile - I told my mom he was coming, and you know what she says. Ugh! I can't stand that woman sometimes. First she said "Well, he's just coming to be nosy - he wants to see your house". (And something else crazy that I can't remember now) Then later, after she's had some time to think about a proper slam on him, sent me a text that said "funny how he's coming to see you now that you're skinny". Riiiight. My response was - that would be funny if I was, in fact, skinny. To which she replied, "well, you are well on your way". What is this woman's problem? Why does she continue to try and get between us and insure that there is no relationship? She drives me batty sometimes!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Not as bad as I thought...
So... I'm back. From my very first therapy appointment. And, no surprise to me, her official response was "you've got a lot going on". haha.. well, I knew that lady!
Nah, I'm teasing. I actually like her - she makes me laugh. After everything I said she was raise her eyebrows and say okaaaay... soooo - and then she'd ask another question. I gotta give her props though - she's got the hang of all my baby mama drama with all my step/half siblings and who they belong to. Not an easy task, even to those who know them all.
I actually feel a little better. Could be that I have been sooooo nervous about this very day that just the sheer withdraw of fret has helped. The last thing she said, and I agree, is that I'm doing the right thing. I feel that more now than I did 2 hours ago.
So my "homework" this week.... I am to practice deep breathing when I do get chest pains (I already do when they get bad, I can't all the time b/c I'd be doing deep breathing all day and I'd get dizzy and pass out from all that), I can try to practice some mental imagery (that would be the "happy place" stuff -- I felt bad, but I laughed out loud on that one), and last but to journal - especially about my dad. She knows he's coming and just a smidgen of the background story there... so I am to take note and journal about the things that he says or does that makes me feel like he does not want anything to do with me, or why I would question his motives for being here and coming to see me.
Today was a meet and greet situation - she asked a bunch of questions, and I answered them. She understands that I do not want medication, and that I'm absolutely terrified. We have an appointment next week, and then we will go from there. *sigh* what a night.
So, I've tried to call Dana to update her after *ahem* informing her that she was "on call" tonight and her phone is not on. Told Hope to be expecting my call today - and she doesn't answer. Sis. C is expecting an update - and she doesn't answer. My sis tells me to call her to talk about it - and she doesn't answer.... Good LORD people!! I'm just teasing. =o) I really don't have time to re-hash it 12 hundred times anyway. I have a house to clean and a panic attack to have about my dad coming. And I'm supposed to call Dawn here in a little bit once she gets home for her update. So... I gotta go - sooo much to do!
Nah, I'm teasing. I actually like her - she makes me laugh. After everything I said she was raise her eyebrows and say okaaaay... soooo - and then she'd ask another question. I gotta give her props though - she's got the hang of all my baby mama drama with all my step/half siblings and who they belong to. Not an easy task, even to those who know them all.
I actually feel a little better. Could be that I have been sooooo nervous about this very day that just the sheer withdraw of fret has helped. The last thing she said, and I agree, is that I'm doing the right thing. I feel that more now than I did 2 hours ago.
So my "homework" this week.... I am to practice deep breathing when I do get chest pains (I already do when they get bad, I can't all the time b/c I'd be doing deep breathing all day and I'd get dizzy and pass out from all that), I can try to practice some mental imagery (that would be the "happy place" stuff -- I felt bad, but I laughed out loud on that one), and last but to journal - especially about my dad. She knows he's coming and just a smidgen of the background story there... so I am to take note and journal about the things that he says or does that makes me feel like he does not want anything to do with me, or why I would question his motives for being here and coming to see me.
Today was a meet and greet situation - she asked a bunch of questions, and I answered them. She understands that I do not want medication, and that I'm absolutely terrified. We have an appointment next week, and then we will go from there. *sigh* what a night.
So, I've tried to call Dana to update her after *ahem* informing her that she was "on call" tonight and her phone is not on. Told Hope to be expecting my call today - and she doesn't answer. Sis. C is expecting an update - and she doesn't answer. My sis tells me to call her to talk about it - and she doesn't answer.... Good LORD people!! I'm just teasing. =o) I really don't have time to re-hash it 12 hundred times anyway. I have a house to clean and a panic attack to have about my dad coming. And I'm supposed to call Dawn here in a little bit once she gets home for her update. So... I gotta go - sooo much to do!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Of ALL the times in my life...
I don't even know where to begin with this one...
I get a phone call yesterday. Well, let me back up and say that I almost passed slap out when I had one missed call last night (at 10:30 mind you) and it was my Dad. So I listen to my voicemail and it just says to call. I'm thinking... who died? I mean... the last conversation we had was about Grandpa Alfter's funeral - and I had to call him on that one.
The beginning of the conversation went something like this:
"So, I figured, since we are never going to get an invite to your house; I would just call and invite myself". Excuse me WHAT?!
Apparently the story is... they are going to be in Metropolis (Southern Illinois) over the weekend to work on some rental property they have there. They should finish up about Monday or so and then head my way Tuesday and stay until Thursday. Now, Metropolis is about 5 hours from me.
Okay... now... first of all, this is the man that has not bothered to pick up the phone to so much as wish me a happy birthday in probably 10 years or more - let alone calling to chat. So the fact that he's calling is shocking enough. Second... this is also the man that could not drive across town to come to my high school graduation, and yet he wants to drive 5 hours out of his way to come stay with me for 2 days. AND... this is the man that refused to let me participate in the family Christmas present drawing of names thingy b/c whoever got my name would have to ship my present, and he is going to come visit when gas prices are as they are now. What is going on? Can we say PANIC ATTACK today? OOooooo and let's not forget the time I told him that the highway ran both ways when he told me I needed to come visit more and he said... "well, I would come down to Tennessee... but I don't really know anybody down there." ha!
What do you do with that?!? I have no clue ... what the crap am I going to do??
This is sooooo not the time to have to deal with this. Hope says this is my chance to go off on him. haha... home court advantage and all. Lynz is willing to come down just to stab him ... and do some interesting things with select body parts - but those will remain out of my blog to keep it at a PG level.
Why does he always do this to me? Just when I settle down and come to the realization that yes, he is gone, he's not coming back, he doesn't want anything to do with me ... he will pull something like this. I REFUSE to get my hopes up this time. I REFUSE to let him break my heart AGAIN!! And WHY in the 26 years of my life, does he pick the very point in which I choose to have a nervous breakdown to make the biggest step ever?
I can't handle this right now. I do not have the strength to deal with this. At least he gave me short notice and I only have 4 days to worry my guts out about it. And really... it would be just like him not to come. Ugh!! He's not even here and he's screwing with my head - how sick is that?!?
haha... I just keep thinking - that first "meet and greet" counseling session I've got scheduled for Monday night...lol - it's so gonna be "okay, for real ... I have this a-hole for a father... he's coming to see me tomorrow... lets just jump right in there". haha.
What am I gonna do?
This man is at the root of quite a few of the issues and quirks that I still have today. He is the cause of a lot of self esteem issues, abandonment issues, the fact that the male species terrifies me, trust issues ...shall I go on? HE is the reason. And he's coming to MY house.
I've got to go clean something ... oh Lord, I'm turning into my mother!!!!
I get a phone call yesterday. Well, let me back up and say that I almost passed slap out when I had one missed call last night (at 10:30 mind you) and it was my Dad. So I listen to my voicemail and it just says to call. I'm thinking... who died? I mean... the last conversation we had was about Grandpa Alfter's funeral - and I had to call him on that one.
The beginning of the conversation went something like this:
"So, I figured, since we are never going to get an invite to your house; I would just call and invite myself". Excuse me WHAT?!
Apparently the story is... they are going to be in Metropolis (Southern Illinois) over the weekend to work on some rental property they have there. They should finish up about Monday or so and then head my way Tuesday and stay until Thursday. Now, Metropolis is about 5 hours from me.
Okay... now... first of all, this is the man that has not bothered to pick up the phone to so much as wish me a happy birthday in probably 10 years or more - let alone calling to chat. So the fact that he's calling is shocking enough. Second... this is also the man that could not drive across town to come to my high school graduation, and yet he wants to drive 5 hours out of his way to come stay with me for 2 days. AND... this is the man that refused to let me participate in the family Christmas present drawing of names thingy b/c whoever got my name would have to ship my present, and he is going to come visit when gas prices are as they are now. What is going on? Can we say PANIC ATTACK today? OOooooo and let's not forget the time I told him that the highway ran both ways when he told me I needed to come visit more and he said... "well, I would come down to Tennessee... but I don't really know anybody down there." ha!
What do you do with that?!? I have no clue ... what the crap am I going to do??
This is sooooo not the time to have to deal with this. Hope says this is my chance to go off on him. haha... home court advantage and all. Lynz is willing to come down just to stab him ... and do some interesting things with select body parts - but those will remain out of my blog to keep it at a PG level.
Why does he always do this to me? Just when I settle down and come to the realization that yes, he is gone, he's not coming back, he doesn't want anything to do with me ... he will pull something like this. I REFUSE to get my hopes up this time. I REFUSE to let him break my heart AGAIN!! And WHY in the 26 years of my life, does he pick the very point in which I choose to have a nervous breakdown to make the biggest step ever?
I can't handle this right now. I do not have the strength to deal with this. At least he gave me short notice and I only have 4 days to worry my guts out about it. And really... it would be just like him not to come. Ugh!! He's not even here and he's screwing with my head - how sick is that?!?
haha... I just keep thinking - that first "meet and greet" counseling session I've got scheduled for Monday night...lol - it's so gonna be "okay, for real ... I have this a-hole for a father... he's coming to see me tomorrow... lets just jump right in there". haha.
What am I gonna do?
This man is at the root of quite a few of the issues and quirks that I still have today. He is the cause of a lot of self esteem issues, abandonment issues, the fact that the male species terrifies me, trust issues ...shall I go on? HE is the reason. And he's coming to MY house.
I've got to go clean something ... oh Lord, I'm turning into my mother!!!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I can't believe I did it....
Well, before I get into all that (keep the suspense up and all), I've got to rant a bit.
First of all... apparently air conditioning and I are not meant to get along. I've been without A/C in my car for about 2 weeks now... maybe longer. Shannon is waiting on the proper gauge to figure out what is wrong. Already replaced one thing that was causing my engine to overheat and when that happens it automatically shuts down the a/c to try and cool down the engine. Well.. still not working and I'm still sweating to DEATH.
So then second... I walk into my house today after work (mind you - nine thousand degrees in my car) and walk into an 87 degree house. What the junk!! I'm sure that Sugar has roasted today. I'll be calling grammie here in a bit and go sleep at her house if I can't get it any cooler in here. It's miserable. It's not even that hot outside!!
Third and final rant of the day... today at work Vanisia went down to the gym and got one of those stability balls to sit on at her desk. Keep in mind now that several months ago our health and wellness staff sent around an email with suggestions to beat the sedentary lifestyle that we all have there for 8 hours a day and one of those was to sit on a stability ball to increase your core strength and all that. So... Paul Nichols (top-TOP dog) comes through and tells her that is not safe and if she were to fall the first 2 words from her would be workman's comp. When we explained about the health and wellness people, his response was "Well, I will fix that". He proceeded to say that they do not pay the workman's comp claims so he will definitely get that fixed. What a JERK!! No wonder we have an extremely high turn over rate.
Ugh!!
Okay, so back to me...
I found a place here in town that is a Christian Counseling Center. Now before I even go any further... you have to know that even thinking about what I'm about to write in here puts me in a panic, let alone actually going through with it. I've talked it over with a couple trusted friends and with my pastor's wife; and closed my eyes, jumped and made an appointment for Monday evening. I am scared out of my ever loving mind, but my feeling is I have got to do something.
I have let myself struggle with all of these pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts for entirely too long. I've made the first step in recognizing that I cannot do this on my own. Yes, I am fully aware that all things are possible with God -- but you've got to be able to let go even to God before He can help. And short of a miracle, that's not gonna happen without some assistance.
So... I'm gonna go and see. I'm not committing to anything, I firmly will tell them I do not want any medication - at all - and somehow we will all get through this.
yep, terrified!
Okay... it is still 87 degrees in my house and Sugar is about to bake. We are headed out to Grammies where you can hang meat in the living room, but it's better than here. More to come I'm sure...
First of all... apparently air conditioning and I are not meant to get along. I've been without A/C in my car for about 2 weeks now... maybe longer. Shannon is waiting on the proper gauge to figure out what is wrong. Already replaced one thing that was causing my engine to overheat and when that happens it automatically shuts down the a/c to try and cool down the engine. Well.. still not working and I'm still sweating to DEATH.
So then second... I walk into my house today after work (mind you - nine thousand degrees in my car) and walk into an 87 degree house. What the junk!! I'm sure that Sugar has roasted today. I'll be calling grammie here in a bit and go sleep at her house if I can't get it any cooler in here. It's miserable. It's not even that hot outside!!
Third and final rant of the day... today at work Vanisia went down to the gym and got one of those stability balls to sit on at her desk. Keep in mind now that several months ago our health and wellness staff sent around an email with suggestions to beat the sedentary lifestyle that we all have there for 8 hours a day and one of those was to sit on a stability ball to increase your core strength and all that. So... Paul Nichols (top-TOP dog) comes through and tells her that is not safe and if she were to fall the first 2 words from her would be workman's comp. When we explained about the health and wellness people, his response was "Well, I will fix that". He proceeded to say that they do not pay the workman's comp claims so he will definitely get that fixed. What a JERK!! No wonder we have an extremely high turn over rate.
Ugh!!
Okay, so back to me...
I found a place here in town that is a Christian Counseling Center. Now before I even go any further... you have to know that even thinking about what I'm about to write in here puts me in a panic, let alone actually going through with it. I've talked it over with a couple trusted friends and with my pastor's wife; and closed my eyes, jumped and made an appointment for Monday evening. I am scared out of my ever loving mind, but my feeling is I have got to do something.
I have let myself struggle with all of these pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts for entirely too long. I've made the first step in recognizing that I cannot do this on my own. Yes, I am fully aware that all things are possible with God -- but you've got to be able to let go even to God before He can help. And short of a miracle, that's not gonna happen without some assistance.
So... I'm gonna go and see. I'm not committing to anything, I firmly will tell them I do not want any medication - at all - and somehow we will all get through this.
yep, terrified!
Okay... it is still 87 degrees in my house and Sugar is about to bake. We are headed out to Grammies where you can hang meat in the living room, but it's better than here. More to come I'm sure...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
my prayer
This is an old song from the Livingstons that I absolutely LOVE! It is my prayer...
I need a place
Where I can hide away
Somewhere beyond here
As I kneel down to pray
Nowhere in this world
Can I find rest
Like right here in your presence
Why settle for anything less
So, Lord hear my cry
And hear my plea
This is my only request
Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me
You'll never find
Anywhere like his arms
And while you're there
He'll take your cares
And keep you safe from harm
Maybe it's been some time
Since you've had peace of mind
Well, heartaches and trials
They won't go, they seem to stay
Just remember where you are
Look beyond all those stars
He will hear you when you pray
Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me
I need a place
Where I can hide away
Somewhere beyond here
As I kneel down to pray
Nowhere in this world
Can I find rest
Like right here in your presence
Why settle for anything less
So, Lord hear my cry
And hear my plea
This is my only request
Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me
You'll never find
Anywhere like his arms
And while you're there
He'll take your cares
And keep you safe from harm
Maybe it's been some time
Since you've had peace of mind
Well, heartaches and trials
They won't go, they seem to stay
Just remember where you are
Look beyond all those stars
He will hear you when you pray
Lord, would you hold me?
Speak a word and console me
Stay with me
Til the storm is calm
Hide me in your loving arms
I know I'll be fine dear Lord
If you'd just hold me
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Road Trip!!
I totally played hookie today!! I have never in my life just blown off work for no reason, and I soooo did it today. Hope and I drove up to Indy last night and drove back today. She had an appointment with a specialist up there and I went with her, simply because I needed to get away. Even away from everything and presumably having a good time, my chest was KILLING me and last night was the first time that it has interfered with my sleeping. I couldn't breath, I couldn't get comfortable... and several times after I had fallen asleep I woke up gasping for air and sat straight up in bed. Okay ... this is not cool.
So then all morning I was having really bad pains, and I broke down and tried one of the anxiety pills that the Dr. prescribed. As Hope said... we will never know for sure if that is what the problem is unless you take one and see. And.... it helped. Haven't decided if I'm relieved, or more terrified. And I was good for about ... 8-9 hours or so and then it was like the bottom was dropped out of me. I could not breath, the pain was back, and I was completely wiped out - like it took effort to walk. What in the world is going on with me?! It is absolutely terrifying at this point.
I don't know what to do because I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what. Do I seek help outside of my pastor and his wife? Do I go to the hospital and say - seriously, can't breath, need some help? Do I go back to my regular Dr. and say dude ... meds aren't working but anxiety pills are dope me up please? Do I strap myself in for the ride of a lifetime? Or do succumb to the fact that this is my life?
I'm so confused... I'm so lost ... And at this point, I'm at a loss for words. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Alone, surrounded, helpless ... that's a start, but in no way shape or form scratching the surface.
I called my pastor's wife tonight to talk, and got more orders. ha... I am to call the doctor first thing in the morning and report back to her as soon as I do so. lol. Do I feel another casting out of some demons tomorrow?? hahaha... Bless him - I know he means well, it's just so embarrassing... and soooo private.
Well, I gotta fix grammie's hair - and now is about the time I would be getting to her house if I had worked today, so I should head that direction... more to come I'm sure...
So then all morning I was having really bad pains, and I broke down and tried one of the anxiety pills that the Dr. prescribed. As Hope said... we will never know for sure if that is what the problem is unless you take one and see. And.... it helped. Haven't decided if I'm relieved, or more terrified. And I was good for about ... 8-9 hours or so and then it was like the bottom was dropped out of me. I could not breath, the pain was back, and I was completely wiped out - like it took effort to walk. What in the world is going on with me?! It is absolutely terrifying at this point.
I don't know what to do because I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what. Do I seek help outside of my pastor and his wife? Do I go to the hospital and say - seriously, can't breath, need some help? Do I go back to my regular Dr. and say dude ... meds aren't working but anxiety pills are dope me up please? Do I strap myself in for the ride of a lifetime? Or do succumb to the fact that this is my life?
I'm so confused... I'm so lost ... And at this point, I'm at a loss for words. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Alone, surrounded, helpless ... that's a start, but in no way shape or form scratching the surface.
I called my pastor's wife tonight to talk, and got more orders. ha... I am to call the doctor first thing in the morning and report back to her as soon as I do so. lol. Do I feel another casting out of some demons tomorrow?? hahaha... Bless him - I know he means well, it's just so embarrassing... and soooo private.
Well, I gotta fix grammie's hair - and now is about the time I would be getting to her house if I had worked today, so I should head that direction... more to come I'm sure...
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