Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Unchartered Territory
So I took a step of faith this week. I had a very long conversation with a family member about some very personal thoughts and feelings, and to my surprise... was actually met with understanding and compassion. Totally not the reaction I was was expecting, and I really never set out to have this conversation - it just kinda happened. Very interesting to say the least. It's weird having someone else know my thoughts, know my struggles. I feel very vulnerable. I feel like at any moment, my "secret" could be out. My skeletons could be ripped from my closet and cast out into the middle of the room for the whole world to see, and I have no control over it - this family member does. This is a very strange place for me to be. I guess all we can do now is buckle up and hold on and see what happens.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Oh the week (or two) I've had...
Definitely needing to vent... or something. Not really sure. I've had, for lack of better word, a very - overwhelming - week. Well, two weeks. It started about a week and a half ago.
I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?
So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.
If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...
It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.
How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....
Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...
My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.
Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).
Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!
*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....
I made the decision to go back to school. I always thought that I would go back for accounting or bookkeeping or something like that, but I've recently embraced a love for baking and admitted a desire to open a bakery at some point - so I decided to go back to school and get a degree in business. My work will pay for it, so why not?
So I send off my application and receive an acceptance letter in the mail it will be 2 weeks ago Wednesday. It says to contact the office to set up details for registration. So I call, and in order to get in the Monday night classes (the only nights I have available) I will need to register TOMORROW and classes will start a week from the following Monday. That would be today for those of you who do not follow well. ha.
If the mere effort of going back to school was not bad enough, the week and a half to prepare, do the online orientation, wait for user name and passwords for emails so I can receive my syllabus, trying to track down text books in the midst of working two jobs (off season of the third) was insane. I end of getting the syllabus Saturday - as in two days ago - and guess what, we were to have read 4 chapters and have several exercises done for this class. Yep, all in a book I did not yet have. Are you overwhelmed yet? I'm not done...
It is January. My second job is at my family's christian bookstore. That is retail. Therefore we are trying to get all of our end of the year things done: inventory, liabilities, W2s, 940s, 941s, all the bank rec's done and credit card statements balanced - and all of this done before my mother gets into town... oh yeah, that was TODAY too. In case you were wondering, THAT in and of itself is a whole 'nother level of anxiety.
How 'bout now? feeling the pressure? I'm just warming up... Last Friday on my way home from work, I was stopped waiting to turn into my subdivision. The car coming up behind me was not paying a lick of attention and plowed into me. Totaled both of our cars. It ended up being friends of some people from my church, so I got the story later and she admits that they were discussing an incident that had happened just prior to the accident and she was not watching the road. She admits to going 50 mph - riiiiight. There are at least 25 feet of skid marks on the road and she still hit me hard enough to total both of our vehicles, put me in a neck brace for days, I'm still on muscle relaxers and don't know what I'm going to do when the run out in 3 days. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a car since my beautiful 03 Hyundai Elantra was paid for, LOVING the rental, HATING the gas mileage and really can't afford a car payment right now....
Did I mention that the $$ for Greece was due this week? and I started school this week?? Work is paying for but is tuition reimbursement so I have to somehow come up with the first few classes up front. Are you starting to feel it? That tightening in your chest? The pounding in your head? The ache at the base of the skull? The tensing up in the neck and shoulders - oh wait - that's whiplash... Hold on there's more ...
My roommate mysteriously comes down with some kind of infection and has been hospitalized for days. They don't know where it came from, but are trying to treat it with IV antibiotics and just keep telling her a couple more days, then a couple more days. It's been 4.... maybe 5 already. The glands and/or lymph nodes on and around her face and eye are swollen so they are making sure it will not spread being so close to her brain and all.
Then my best friend has surgery to remove a tumor in her hip. Not anthing too terribly alarming, but when this extremely busy friend who I practically have to BEG to spend time with says, lets do dinner tonight - after having a tumor removed from her leg and knowing that there has been enough time to have a pathology report sent back and knowing that she has suffered through cancer before.... that was a very anxious few hours I can tell you that! She is fine though, thanks be to God! They removed the tumor and she seems to be doing very well. She can walk now with no pain (except from the actual surgery of course).
Oh yeah, how can I forget that earlier this month (okay so this particular instance does not fit into this 2 week thing, but still!!) my sister got married and moved to friggin CALIFORNIA!! I've never met the guy, and I didn't get to come to the ceremony. They did a courthouse thing and plan to do a bigger ceremony later, but still!!! *sigh* now she's allllllll the way in California!!!
*deep breath* I think that about sums it up for now. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. I could talk about the MORONS that I've been grouped with in class tonight, but I suddenly don't have the energy. I've been running on about 395 cylinders today since 7am - it's now after 1am and I'm absolutely, slap worn out and I'm so sore. I've got to get some muscle relaxers in me and get to bed. Asta....
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Updates...
bad blogger! yeah, I know... I've been awful. I've been writing a lot in a paper journal so that leaves this blog sort of unattended. I suppose I could type things in here after I write them... there is a possibility. Anyhow - a few quick updates before I pass out. soooo tired today for some reason.
Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!
I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.
Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!
I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.
Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*
Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!
Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.
So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Health wise... still having issues. I have found out that my gallbladder is only functioning at 5%. For a reference point, they start scheduling surgery when that dips below 30%. However, my surgeon feels that the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is not where I should be hurting for gallbladder pain, so he does not want to take it out; and should I beginning hurting in the right places and it gets unbearable to call him and he will meet me a the hospital. What?!
I went today for a CT scan, meeting with my PCP tomorrow (primary care physician) and have an Endoscopy scheduled for next week. If nothing is shown for either of these, then a colonoscopy will be scheduled. Oh happy day! haha. I just wish they would hurry up and make up their minds and actually DO something to help.
Personally ... I now have a roommate. Funny thing is, with the extra $$ coming in, somehow STILL not been able to save any for Greece. Hmm... Still planning to go though. Just need to sit down and figure how how I'm gonna save the mula!
I have also come to some realizations. Like... I feel like all this junk that I'm dealing with emotionally is due, in part, to the fact that I spend a whole lot of time caring for the mental stability of others and really don't have anyone that I can vent to, talk with, seek advice from. I made a list of the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I'm a very busy lady, so the fact that there were only three names tells me two things -- I have little to no life, and I have 3 extremely needy friends. Carla calls them bloodsuckers (haha) and they will eventually drain everything from me and that I need to establish some boundaries. Yeah... easier said then done.
Then I got to thinking about the people I would like to cultivate better relationships with, and every time I come up with a lady that is married, has kids, career... basically no time. Not that I have any myself, but it's difficult enough for me to trust a person enough to discuss my issues or seek their advice or what have you. On top of that, they would all be quite a bit old than I am, and I typically get dismissed as being a kid or "just a baby" - I hear that one a lot. I guess I just feel kinda trapped. Like, I don't really fit in with the young people my age, and I can't seem to cultivate deeper relationships with the older people that I would like to ... *sigh*
Emotionally ... yeah, still on this roller coaster. Health issues do not help - I can tell you that. The are just adding to the frustration. Some days I feel like a fricken basket case. It's rather ... well, frustrating!
Spiritually... Ooo, I could write a book here. I'll try to sum it up best I can in the thought that... I just feel like I'm missing something. I have been having this feeling for a while now, and stronger here lately, that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I know that God has plan for the life of every single individual, and I don't feel like I am out of the will of God for my life.. I just feel like there is something more that I am supposed to be doing. Like there is some ministry that I'm supposed to step into or something else I'm supposed to be doing; but I just can't quite get it to come into focus yet.
So... I guess that would be the nutshell version of the updates in my life. I need to get back to writing in here. And to my Cali readers... I hope you are all very safe with the blazing going on out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Guess what I got?!?
A few days early, but definitely excited about my brand spakin' new birthday presents!!! First, my mom sent me a new computer which was just in the nick of time because I was definitely about the chuck this stupid laptop through the window. ha! Sometime last year, one of the computers at the bookstore crashed and we took my CPU and used it there. Mom promised to either help me with my trip to Paris/London or replace my computer. Well... neither happened until today! Sooo excited. It was just the tower and extras, no monitor because I still have my old one. Eventually, I will buy a flat screen monitor.
What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.
My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!
Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!
What I'm WAAAAAY excited about is my comercial mixer from Grammie. *dancing* I love, love, LOVE to bake and have wanted a comercial mixer for so long. I baked all the birthday cakes for my old group at work, and even though I've moved groups (thank you Jesus, Halelujah, Praise Him ... ) they still want me to make them. Eventually, I would LOVE to go into business for myself and open a bakery -- but I can't see that happening anytime soon. We'll see.
My sister sent me these AWESOME purple shoes. So funny, I laughed when I opened them because she knows me so well. I had tried on those exact shoes and wanted them soooo bad, but I'm trying to be good and get some debt paid off and save for Greece so I didn't get them. Just like that YUMMY black and white dress that I tried on today that looked like it was tailor made just for me.... *sigh* I may have to go back and get that one. It's a $97.00 dress, marked down to $68, and then an additional 40% off that. No, I can't. haha - you see my struggle!
Had to share in my excitement, and now it's 2am and I must go to bed or I'll never get up for praise and worship practice in the morning. Asta!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I've been tagged!!
I was tagged by Gayla: http://gaylasgabfest.blogspot.com/
Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers
6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...
1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)
2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar
3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish
4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!
5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...
6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.
I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!
Meme terms & conditions
1. link the person who tagged you
2. mention the rules on your blog
3. list 6 unspectacular things about you
4. tag 6 other bloggers
6 unspectacular things... about me?... Hmm...
1. I LOVE shoes and purses. Last count I owned 76 purses and somewhere around 85 pairs of shoes (over 20 were flip flops)
2. My cutie patootie "baby" is 15 years old, all white, weighs a whoping 3.5 pounds and is a miniature chihuahua named Sugar
3. I love to write, and wish i had the time and the discipline to sit down and work on something to publish
4. I love to travel. Trying to save for my second trip out of the country in March - Greece here I come baby!!
5. I love love LOVE to bake!! On the schedule for tomorrow is to make two cracked carmel pumpkin pies for our music conference here at the church. Haven't decided if I'm going to make my crust or just buy it... hmm...
6. I'm currently working 3 jobs and living in a state of exhaustion.
I am tagging:
Well... I only know two other bloggers... one of them tagged me, and they also tagged #2. So -- if you are reading this -- TAG YOU'RE IT!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The details...
So... This weekend was our Women's Espirit Conference. About 2-3 months ago my friend Meggan from work started coming to church with me. Bless her heart - my heart breaks for her. I see a lot of myself in her and more importantly I see where I could have ended up. I was (and sometimes still am) painfully shy, backward, very self conscience, low self-esteem, low self-worth... and the list goes on. I have watched Meggan in these past few months begin to change herself. She's lost some weight, taking care of her body, she kicked a very controlling boyfriend to the curb - well, she left the apartment. I have watched her transform. When she started coming to church with me, I watched as her dress changed, her attitude changed, her vocabulary changed, her demeanor changed. It is such an awesome thing to watch. She began a Bible study with my pastor's wife and I watched more changes. She decided to get baptized, and the changes kept coming. But nothing compares to the IMMEDIATE change we witnessed Thursday evening of Ladies Conference. Literally five-ten minutes and she was speaking in tongues! I'm smiling now even thinking about it - I'm sure everyone has seen that transformation but I've never saw such a dramatic change instantly. I can't wait to see what God continues to do in her life and in the life of her family.
Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.
Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.
So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.
Earlier that day, I had been pulled aside at work by my big boss... he asked me to change teams today to help out that particular floor supervisor. Okay... I have tried to leave the group I am in from the day I was moved over there over 2 years ago. I couldn't apply out, I couldn't be transferred, I even tried to take a lower paying position and could not even do that. I had pretty much given up hope and was in the process of meeting with the head of our HR department for her suggestions on what direction to go in order to get out of the current place I was in. All of a sudden, on this particular day, it falls in my lap. The opportunity OUT!! I cannot believe it. I was on cloud nine all day - a count down was started 20 days until the move (at that point). Then later that night Meggan gets the Holy Ghost - I just about can't stand the excitement.
Then last night there was the most awesome message given by Sis. Pat Wilson. I could not write fast enough to get it all down. I will have to get the CD or something because it was so good. The theme for the whole conference was "The Balanced Woman". She talked about the Spirit and what characteristics we as women should possess and showed us those through women in the Bible. More on that at a later date, but one statement that she made was about Jahel (sp?) and how we needed to possess her spirit of faithfulness. We need to be faithful in the place that we are because God has a plan and a purpose for absolutely everything. And in that moment, it was brought to my mind that just the day before I had been handed the "way out" that I had been begging for on the same exact day that Meggan received the Holy Ghost. Maybe my time there in that group, even though I hated it and was miserable, the reason I was there was for Meggan. Maybe... possibly? Something to think about anyway.
So that's my awesome weekend so far. Thought this blog could use some positive in it for once. ha! I feel like this blog portrays me differently than I really am. And I think I've said it in here before - I'm not this uber depressed about to slit my wrists kind of person. This is simply my place where I can put my thoughts that I cannot express anywhere else. So... yeah. Just wanted to remind ya of that. Please keep that in mind as you read.
I'm soooooo excited...
I don't have time to get into details right now - that will come when I get home. But clif notes version... my friend Meggan got the Holy Ghost at Ladies Retreat this weekend!!!!!!!!!! AND... they are finally moving me at work - Praise be to Jesus. It has definitely been a good weekend for me! More to come later.... stay tuned!
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