Going Home...

Well... I'd nearly forgotten about this blog here... wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has happened since I 'saw' you last.  I won't even attempt to update, I just want a fresh start.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and some changes are going to need to take place in my life.  First, and always most importantly, I need to get back in a right relationship with God.  I have stayed away to long.  I don't know when it started really... maybe I never truly had it right.  Every relationship in my life is held at arm's distance, including God.  I'm not even sure what a real, open, honest relationship looks like.  I know that this is a familiar mountain that I've been walking around for a very long time, but seriously, how do I learn something that I've never been taught?  I guess that it's time I find out.

I just got off the phone (well, texting) with my pastor's wife.  Yes, I still call her my pastor's wife even though I've not been to church in months.  It's a long sordid story that I will not bore you with, but I will say that anxiety and family drama has kept me from coming back.  I've come to the point that I just want to come home.  I'm scared to death, but I need to come home.  I can't do this - any of this - on my own.  I never could, but I definitely cannot do it anymore.

So, I agreed to come back Wednesday.  Pray saints, Pray.

I've been working on a project for my therapist.  She wanted to tap into something deeper, so with me it's always writing.  She had me write for about 10 minutes.  I wrote about feeling like I was in a middle of a huge crossroad.  One with many, many choices of travel.  But in this huge, circular crossroad, you cannot see the other paths while you are standing in front of one.  They all have meaning, they all have direction, they all have something that needs to be done, accomplished, fixed, attended to...etc. they all need to be traveled.  The problem is - I'm not just walking or standing in this road - I feel like I'm being dragged around and around this circle of choices.  I just want it to stop.  I just want to stop and breathe, but no matter how much I claw at the dirt, the dragging keeps on.

That is what I have been feeling like lately.  That I've just been drug through the muck and the mire.  I'm dirty, disoriented and bruised.  I don't know what my next move should be, where to go next, what to focus on first... so I continue to do nothing and get beaten up some more.  Well, it's got to stop.  So, I'm making some changes.  The first being, getting back to church.

I've been in this place before - where I have said that I'm getting things together.  I don't even want to say that this time I mean it, because I have always meant it.  I just know that I can't do this any longer.  Somehow, I have to learn to put my entire trust in God.  No holds bar.  I have to learn how to have a real relationship.  I have to learn, after all these years, to trust, to love...

I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I guess I will have to continue to surround myself with the right people and be vigilant.  I know that Satan is going to throw all that he can at me... including the panic attacks and anxiety that I know will come on Wednesday.  I can already feel it building.  I just don't know what else to do than to go home....