So I have very recently started attending church again. The place where I know I should be. The place where I am home. The place I feel God in a very real way. Unfortunately, it is also the place where my family (much drama) attends. It is also the place that causes great anxiety and panic in me. It is the place that is strikes fear. Tonight, I found myself short of breath, horrid chest pains and sweat rolling down my back. So my question is... why? This is the house of God I'm talking about! Where the Spirit of God dwells so thick it literally gives me chills. It is in HIS presence that I feel most comfortable, accepted and loved. Why must I go through the chest pains, cold sweats and difficulty breathing to get there? What is so wrong with me that, if you mention church, my heart drops?
My mind raced tonight.... I couldn't stop looking at all the people crammed in that little building. Well, not so little, but we are running over 500 and squeezing into a 350 seat auditorium. I kept thinking about how I was trapped and would have to climb over people if I needed to get out.... where are my family... I can feel their eyeballs on me ... what are they thinking?.... what if you can see my tattoo... and my toes are painted! I forgot I wore flip flops today ... what if they have an altar call (they didn't)... what if he says my name (he did)... what if nobody talks to me after church .... what if somebody does... what am I going to say ... what will they ask.... I'm sure they all think I'm a backslidden heathen.... and on and on it goes...
I know that FAC is home, I know that is where I'm supposed to be - that's why I went back. But seriously?! Must I go through this every time I walk in the doors? It will only be worse Sunday... there will be even MORE people crammed in there. I don't even want to think about it. Maybe I have some claustrophobia mixed with some social anxiety? Who knows ... I just know that if God does not see fit to help me with this... it's gonna be a long row to hoe.
*sigh* I'll do it though. I'll tough it out. Like my pastor's wife said ... David feared the prospect of not praising God more than he did the lions. So why am I going to let a little anxiety - okay, a LOT of anxiety - get in the way of praising my God? of living my life for Him? of cultivating a relationship with Him?
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