My New Journey

What an amazing, terrifying and emotional journey I am on.  Have you ever heard God speak to you.  I mean, clearly, no doubt, has-to-be-God kind of talking to?  That is me.  I've been wrapped up in what I will call an addiction for most of my life.  A very private addiction and one that I thought, not only would no body ever 'find out', but that I was not hurting anybody so who would really care.  What I have found, is that I am hurting me.  By turning to this addiction, I am neglecting to work on me and my recovery.  By turning to this addiction, I am "running" from problems when they should be faced and dealt with.  So, I have been called out by God and He has taken the time to get my attention and convict my heart toward this addiction like never before.  It's time to lay it down.

Along with this I am waging a war against my addiction to food.  This is a tough one.  I can't just set it down and walk away.  I have to eat.  Just as the previous addiction, I turn to food to comfort, soothe, or make the day go away.  I find happiness in eating.  I am happy when my belly is full.  I've made a habit of the phrase "my belly is happy".  I have got to gain control of this.  My weight and my unhealthy habits of compulsive eating have gotten out of control.  Correction: they have been out of control for a long time.  Something has to be done.

So, with that being said... I have joined a 12-step group at my Monday night's Celebrate Recovery.  I've started the step work, and I can tell you that it is bringing up all kinds of emotions.  It's tough.  I don't like talking about family secrets and how deep my denial goes.  Revisiting family of origin drama and rehashing old wounds is difficult.  But what I'm finding is that those wounds have not healed properly.  I have not allowed myself to properly heal.  I have only ignored things like I have done my entire life.

I have a lot of work to do, and a long road is set before me.  But I have a feeling that I am going to be okay. And hopefully, I'll become a happier, healthier person in the process.