Bitterness...

So ... I had every intention of coming back to the bookstore tonight to write of the wonderful time I had and the awesome people I met on my trip to London and Paris. I will eventually post some pics, but if you must see some now - head on over to Gayla's Gabfest blog because her's are going to be ten times better anyhow.

Anyway, I just sat through my nine hundred and fifty second sermon on bitterness. Okay, yeah, slight exaggeration; but seriously -- in the last 10 sermons or so I've heard, this makes the 5th one on bitterness. It's to the point now where I'm like... Okay God, is there some bitterness lurking around that I am unaware of?

I fully understand the dangers of bitterness. It can, and will, overtake everything in your life. And I wonder... am I bitter?

After sermon #4 on bitterness, I asked by best friend if she thought I was a bitter person. Her response was no, that she thinks I'm just very hurt and will not allow myself to heal (in a nutshell). Which I can see that, I agree. But am I just hurt?? Where does pain become bitterness? And is there a point in bitterness that you no longer recognize that you have become bitter?

I feel I should mention another fault of mine -- that would be over analysing. But this question has plauged me for the last few weeks. What if all these years I have struggled against the hurts of the past, not knowing it was bitterness all along; and out of ignorace have let it continue to grow and overtake other areas of my life.

Pastor was saying how a bitter person chooses their circle of friends very carefully, not letting anyone in that does not share the exact same viewpoint. This way we share in our bitterness rather than have a true friend to stand up and point out that we are wrong. So, have I kept my "circle of friends" extremly small because I have lived my entire life with a fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt and abandoned ... or have I pushed them away because they could point out my bitterness?

If I am bitter -- I am not your typical bitter person. However, I do everything sort of... left of center. I internalize everything. So when a typical bitter person would lash out at the ones that have caused the hurt... I'm the one that says there is something wrong within me to make this person do that. So ... maybe that means I'm not bitter.... ??

Do you see how confused I am? I really just want to get my head together. I need to tear down some walls that have been in place for far too long, uproot some things that have been planted years ago, learn to trust more, love more, give more of myself without fear. You say - oh that sounds easy. But how wrong you are. Those words terrify me. And yet, it must be done in order to heal... in order to finally move on.

Such a heavy topic, and truthfully surprised I acctually typed it here for the world to see. I started this blog in a place where nobody would know me. (that would be another fear of mine -- shhh don't tell). Seems it's easier putting things out there if you know you will never have to face these people. Funny how things work out that this is a form of contact for two of my newest friends. Niiice, but you know -- I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of worrying about what others will think. Maybe I should just got crazy one good time, get it over with. Ha... I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've always had it together. At least outwardly, so how do I go about fixing what is broken inwardly?

*sigh* Too much to think about tonight. The next time we meet will be under more cheerful circumstances. Hopefully get some pics posted and tell you about the wonderful things we did and about my new friends!

Sweet dreams...