Guess what....

Yeah ... grocery shopping didn't happen. Ha - figures.

We had an AWESOME service tonight at church. Bro. Duffy from Big Stone Gap, VA ( I think ) preached and did he ever more TEAR IT UP!!! He talked about how God led the Israelites with the cloud by day and the fire by night. He talked about how God changed his appearance ( can't think of the word he used right off the top of my head -- I'll have to look back at my notes ) to confuse the enemy. He told us that God was always with them, constantly there leading.

One part of the sermon that hit me HARD, was when he said that he was talking to someone who was struggling. He said they are faithful in church and the things they are involved in. They are faithful to the things taught and preached about, and yet inside there is a struggle. He talked about being honest with God and coming before Him without holding back.

Let me just tell you... I cried and cried until I thought that I could cry no more ... then the floodgates opened up. The man was reading my mail tonight. I really do feel an inner turmoil going on. It's not that I'm questioning God, or the decisions I've made in following Him. I do not doubt for a second that Jesus is God, that I am saved by the grace of God and through my obedience to His word by being baptized in Jesus name and was (and still is) filled with the Holy Ghost evidenced by speaking in tongues. I am not struggling with the fact that I have made a covenant with God and will keep my hair as my glory, uncut and powerful. I don't falter in my stance on holiness and modesty.

My struggle is in the battlefield of my mind. I am struggling to break free of the chains that have bound me for so long. Things in my past - not that I've necessarily done - but that have been done to me, have shaped who I am today and have dictated my thought process and painted the picture of my self image and self worth and self esteem. Somewhere I need to find the strength to say that I'm worth the fight.

It's a struggle. Some days more than others. These past few days have been rough, and I know it's only because I've publicly (sort of) made the proclamation that I will overcome and I will beat this once and for all. So ... anyone who may read this -- I covet your prayers. I've never said it before, but I need help. Now all I gotta do is find it.

And before I go, I feel I must throw out a little disclaimer *winks at Dana*... the purpose of this blog is not to cry oh whoa is me, or to try be the center of attention. If you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention. This is extremely difficult for me. There are, to my knowledge, only 3 people who know about this blog. And it will more than likely remain that way. So if you are randomly stopping by - I apologize for this funk of a mood I am in. Blogs will get better, I promise. And to you three ... thanks for reading this far, and I hope I don't scare you off. =o) I'm just tired of going through life this way, it's got to change, and I'm thinking if I put it "on paper" so to speak... that maybe, just maybe, I can get something accomplished.

Well, I'm due to be up in about 4 hours to head out for my 2nd adventure in Body Pump tomorrow.. .well, later on today at 6am. Wish me luck and let's hope I can walk on Tuesday.