*sigh*

well, I've started this blog several times already and deleted everything I've typed. Fact is, I just don't know what to say. You may say, well, just start with how you feel and go from there. See... that's the thing. I'm not really sure. I've really been thinking lately about my life, how I live it, where I have come from, where I am at and where I'm going and would like to go in the future -- and it's all so overwhelming. I was talking to a friend of mine about this very thing the other day.

I feel like, and have for a while now, that there is something out there that God wants me to be doing. I don't know what it is, or even where it is ... and yet, I cannot get myself there. I have closed myself off from everyone for so long and kept everybody out. I have even lied to myself by pushing emotions away and not dealt with them to the point that I am a walking time bomb. It's a cycle really. I've noticed this lately as well. I let things build and build in my life until I reach the point of a complete melt down. I feel that I am approaching a melt down moment. Oh, I hate it. But I've done it for so long as a way of coping... a defense mechanism ... my security blanket -- whatever the reason -- that I just cannot function any other way.

My prayer lately is that I learn to trust. Truely trust. Because I need so badly to be able to trust someone enough just to sit and talk. I need someone to help me. I just need someone. The problem is ... I always find a reason NOT to trust that person (whoever it may be). I talk myself out of it. This weekend is prime example. The one person I feel I trust the most is Hope. She is a very busy woman - I understand that. Married and has three kids, her and her husband both own their own companies. I get that she is busy. As I said - I'm definately approaching a melt down moment. So, being me, it takes days to work up the nerve to even call her (keep in mind.. this is my bestest friend in the world). When I do, I get her voice mail ... and no return call. So I text her later that night ... no answer. Called the next day ... no return call. Text that afternoon ... no answer. To a normal person - it's Friday/Saturday .. she has a family that she barely sees during the week and she's spending time with them. I get that - completely. But in my warped brain ... she doesn't really care. And yes, Dana, I know that is the father of lies in my ear *grin* But you have to understand where I am mentally. So today, I get to church just before practice and leave as soon as they said Amen. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have to smile and be nice because I really can't force it today. She knows my behavior patterns, so just a few minutes ago I get a text from her. And what am I doing? yep, not answering it. I am such a freaking lunatic you know that??

I absoluetly cannot believe that I'm about to post this out for the world to see, but my God ... I've just gotta get some of it out. And... this is where I freeze ... every time. As I sit here and stare at the screen and watch 5 mintues tick away... what to say? What exactly is it that I need to get off my chest so bad? Who knows...

Joy had posted a blog sometime last month that I just read yesterday. She was saying how powerful words are and can be. She was saying how anything a person says is just a layer surrounding what they really want to say and who they truely are. She says:

"It takes a process of time to peel back the layers of what is really in our hearts. Sometimes these layers are built by distrust, hurt, pain of rejection, and no matter how much you want to share your true self with anyone, it causes you to have to make the decision of vulnerability of your heart. Do you trust this person enough to unveil your true self...and if and when you do...will they still like you...want to be with you...and the deepest risk of all...will they still love you?"

Maybe that is my fear... no, I know it is. Dana says I care too much what people think. I think that's true as well. I have always been the strong one. No matter what happened, I was always standing. Funny thing is, as soon as I was alone, I crumbled. So why, when I need help the most, do I run away?

My theme song here lately is one of most recent choir songs called "I'm Still Standing"

If not for Your goodness if not for Your grace

I don't know where I would be today

If not for Your kindness I never could say

I'm still standing

If not for Your mercy, if not for Your love

I most likely would have given up

If not for Your favor I never could say

I'm still standing

~~~

But by the grace of God

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand

On Christ the solid rock I stand - but by the grace of God

~~~

I'm still standing

I'm still standing

I'm still standing

But but by the grace of God

~~~

(I'm still singing, shouting, leaping ... and so on)

~~~

That is my "in your face devil" song. Because I am still standing. Everything that he put in my way to try to take me down... I am still standing! Granted - bleeding, bruised and disoriented ... but by the grace of God ... I'm still standing. And I will beat this - I will overcome - I will still be standing ... I just need a little help. The problem is... asking for it.

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So... I'll go grocery shopping with Hope tonight... and more than likely I'll tell her I'm fine. Apparently when I tell her "I'm 'aight" is when she knows I'm really not. So I'll try to avoid that. haha... I'm such a goober.

.

Well, I'm off to the tanning bed. Never got that laundry done yesterday, so when I get back... it's all about laundry. It's sad when you would rather buy new underwear than wash the ones you've got. ha - I did that yesterday. I keep telling myself it's because all of the ones I do have are too big now .... but I really just didn't want to wash them... haha.