Today was rough. Well... to be honest, the last few days have been kinda rough. I really don't know how to describe it to you really. It's just been tough. Remember the distancing thing? Well, I feel myself pushing - no, more like shoving people away. I told Hope yesterday that I even have to force myself to call her - my best friend!! I don't know what to do.
I found an old journal that I've been reading though, and it's back from my IBC days. Most of it was just an account of the chorale tours from year to year; but again, I noticed the pattern back then as well as the journal from high school. What is my problem?
All through out this particular section of time I kept writing over and over that I just wish I could open up and talk to someone. I wish someone just would know and I wouldn't have to tell them. I wish someone would just wrap their arms around me and hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay. And here I sit, years later, dealing with the same emotions, feelings, insecurities, demons - whatever .... and I still cannot open my mouth. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?
The negative language that I've spoken to myself (and heard from others) all these years has been so ingrained into my very being that I can believe nothing less. It makes no sense to me that I can know it with my brain, believe it with my heart and yet still feel like it doesn't exist. Fused with corn yet?
I know that I have dear friends who would listen if I called to talk. I know there are people who care about me and my well being. I know that there are people out there who love me. I know that God loves me. I know that I am worth something. I know that I am not alone. I know that God is there every step of the way with me. I KNOW all this. I BELIEVE all this. But somewhere along the way, I've told myself that it's not really true. I don't feel loved, I don't feel that anyone would take the time to listen, that anyone would care. I feel worthless, hopeless, alone and completely broken. And worst of all, the thing that scares me the most that I finally admitted out loud... I don't feel like God loves me.
Now that's a messed up place to be! And it pains me to even type that, to admit it, to share it - but there it is. Probably the root of my problems right there. Now how do I fix it?
I don't know how to love or to be loved. I try - but I always just feel awkward. I feel like, one false move and that person will bolt. If I say one wrong thing - they are gone. If I cannot fulfill one favor - I'm no longer worth their time. That's why I continue to drop my plans, change my plans, bend over backward to help a friend and never ask for anything in return. It's hard to ask for help - really hard. And I know it is for everyone, but for me - I feel like I'm being a bother, and inconvenience, and an annoyance. I feel like, even though I've had times where I poured my heart out to friends, that in the end they really didn't care and was only sitting there listening to be nice.
So where do I go from here? Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? And when your brain is so messed up that you begin to doubt that God is the answer to those questions... what's a girl to do?
So there it is ... I feel I have completely exposed myself. Well, not completely - there is sooo much more rattling around in this brain of mine. But that is my feeling at the moment. Picture this grown woman who is strong and has it all together, but in reality it's just a shell that is shielding, protecting, but imprisoning a scared little 5 year old girl who is curled up on the floor weeping.... that is what I feel like.
God - I need your help....
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Memorial Day...
I definitely took the advice of a friend yesterday and did absolutely NOTHING on my day off. This weekend was exhausting catering two weddings back to back. The short version?... Friday after work I went straight to Hope's office and we prepped until 11:30 or so. Then up at 6:30 on Saturday and did not get back home until about Midnight. Then Sunday, I was able to go to church in the morning but then straight back to the office and did not get back home again until about 11:30 Sunday night. So... from Fri afternoon until Midnight Sunday we put in about 30 hours. That's tiring just thinking about it.
My Monday went like this - I did wake up around 10am, I got up checked my email, took sugar out... then I went back to bed and slept until about 3:30. Oh, that felt soooo good. Then I went back to bed last night at about 11:30 or so and just now getting up today. I did not leave my house, I did not get out of my pj's, I did not even speak to anyone -- that's nice. Just a do nothing ME day.
I'm gonna try to hit the gym even though every muscle in my body still aches from this weekend. I had attempted to get up earlier so I could go to the bookstore first, but that is not happening. So... I'll either go after the gym or go ahead and have breakfast with Lori and Sandy after the gym and then get to the bookstore after work. We'll see.
So, that was my Memorial Day weekend - besides the details of another marathon conversation with Dana, which will remain out of my blog. =o) Thanks girl! I'm sooo grateful to have a friend like you. Even if you are too far away. *grin*
Well, I've got to get moving and muster up the strength to make it through another week in Hades of collections... ha! Hopefully Matt will still be out and we will have another week of peace and quiet. Vanisia will be back from vacation today so that should make it at least more fun. Ok... gotta go.
My Monday went like this - I did wake up around 10am, I got up checked my email, took sugar out... then I went back to bed and slept until about 3:30. Oh, that felt soooo good. Then I went back to bed last night at about 11:30 or so and just now getting up today. I did not leave my house, I did not get out of my pj's, I did not even speak to anyone -- that's nice. Just a do nothing ME day.
I'm gonna try to hit the gym even though every muscle in my body still aches from this weekend. I had attempted to get up earlier so I could go to the bookstore first, but that is not happening. So... I'll either go after the gym or go ahead and have breakfast with Lori and Sandy after the gym and then get to the bookstore after work. We'll see.
So, that was my Memorial Day weekend - besides the details of another marathon conversation with Dana, which will remain out of my blog. =o) Thanks girl! I'm sooo grateful to have a friend like you. Even if you are too far away. *grin*
Well, I've got to get moving and muster up the strength to make it through another week in Hades of collections... ha! Hopefully Matt will still be out and we will have another week of peace and quiet. Vanisia will be back from vacation today so that should make it at least more fun. Ok... gotta go.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Pretty neat...
I found this on a friend's MySpace page and it's so true:
We were given two hands to hold
Two legs to walk
Two eyes to see
Two ears to listed
But why only one heart?
Because the other one was given to someone for us to find
How cool is that?!
We were given two hands to hold
Two legs to walk
Two eyes to see
Two ears to listed
But why only one heart?
Because the other one was given to someone for us to find
How cool is that?!
Today's "Thought for the Day"
Destiny is no matter of chance.
It is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryan
I agree.
.
I hear things like "He's destined for great things" ... or "She's destined for failure" and so on. And really, it's a choice. Someone may come from a background that is less than healthy to be raised in and around, and the popular thought is that they will not make anything of their lives. Some would say that history is bound to repeat itself, and this person's destiny is fixed. But CHOICES are the key - they can choose to climb out of those circumstances and fight to change that "destiny".
.
Same thing goes for a destiny of greatness. Choices can be made that will destroy those expectations of grandure, and soon you see the effects of those choices.
This is kind of what I feel I am fighting for -- to change my destiny. Making choices now that will effect my future. We all have that - the ability to change our destiny. So where do you want your life to go? How do you want spend the rest of your life? Make choices today so that you can get there tomorrow.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Interesting thought...
So... I picked up a book that I've been about half way through for a long time today called "Restoring Broken Things". One of the co-authors is Steven Curtis Chapman ... the news of his daughter being killed in that accident made me think of that book again. It's been so long since I've read any of it I could not even give you an accurate summary of the book at all, but one of the chapters I read today was very interesting.
The other writer ... somebody Scott, was holding a seminar and one of the assignments of that morning was to write and tell about the most powerful worship service they had experienced in the last year. All of the attendees came from different religious backgrounds, so they were all telling of different church services they had been in and he put in the book 3 of the different testimonies of the evening.
Then he was asked to tell his most powerful worship service, and he responded by telling of his journey to Africa and meeting the people there. He told of the first night where they had a small "congregation" in a mud hut where he witnessed hungry people singing praises to God and then he preached and it was moving and was a great service of worship. However, he said his most powerful worship service was the following day in a different village when they went to distribute food. He told of how his church had donated enough food for the entire village to be spared from starvation for 6 months. He said they spent 8-9 hours loading up pack mules for different families, and that he had never truly known the depths of starvation and malnutrition until that day.
Of course, people started asking where the singing and preaching was to be a worship service, and he told them how they did the assignment incorrectly. He wanted them to recognize that when he talked of the first night it was "a service of worship", meaning they gathered to worship God. The second day was "a worship service", in which they were worshiping through service.
He talked about how our lives were meant to always worship Him, and that we should live our lives this way. Our actions, our thoughts, our lives should be a worship service to God.
I've never really thought of it that way. I mean, of course, I pray all the time that my life be pleasing to Him and that my life would praise Him. But I never really thought of it as every act of kindness, ever tender moment spent sensitive to those lost and dying around me, every word of encouragement, every listening ear, every shoulder to cry on ... those moments are a "worship service" to God.
So.. just a little thought I wanted to share. Kinda opened my eyes a little today.
The other writer ... somebody Scott, was holding a seminar and one of the assignments of that morning was to write and tell about the most powerful worship service they had experienced in the last year. All of the attendees came from different religious backgrounds, so they were all telling of different church services they had been in and he put in the book 3 of the different testimonies of the evening.
Then he was asked to tell his most powerful worship service, and he responded by telling of his journey to Africa and meeting the people there. He told of the first night where they had a small "congregation" in a mud hut where he witnessed hungry people singing praises to God and then he preached and it was moving and was a great service of worship. However, he said his most powerful worship service was the following day in a different village when they went to distribute food. He told of how his church had donated enough food for the entire village to be spared from starvation for 6 months. He said they spent 8-9 hours loading up pack mules for different families, and that he had never truly known the depths of starvation and malnutrition until that day.
Of course, people started asking where the singing and preaching was to be a worship service, and he told them how they did the assignment incorrectly. He wanted them to recognize that when he talked of the first night it was "a service of worship", meaning they gathered to worship God. The second day was "a worship service", in which they were worshiping through service.
He talked about how our lives were meant to always worship Him, and that we should live our lives this way. Our actions, our thoughts, our lives should be a worship service to God.
I've never really thought of it that way. I mean, of course, I pray all the time that my life be pleasing to Him and that my life would praise Him. But I never really thought of it as every act of kindness, ever tender moment spent sensitive to those lost and dying around me, every word of encouragement, every listening ear, every shoulder to cry on ... those moments are a "worship service" to God.
So.. just a little thought I wanted to share. Kinda opened my eyes a little today.
Dr. Appointment
So, I had follow up appointment this week and Dr Green changed my meds. So instead of something to control the acid in my stomach, he is trying an anti-inflammatory. Of course he expected me to take the anxiety pills, but I had not. However, yesterday was the first day of the switch, and my chest hurt more than usual. So... maybe it is something physically wrong. I don't know which I would rather it be. Possible surgery again ... or just crazy. ha!
I do have an appointment set up with my GI specialist Dr. Cline, but he is so booked up that I could not get in until June 24th. I'm dreading that because I KNOW that he will want to set up another colonoscopy. I think 2 in my young 26 years is plenty for now... ugh!
I also feel the need to explain (to my vast reading audience) that I'm not this mega-depressed, gonna slit my wrists kind of person. I don't want to come across that way -- and maybe it's just my mind working in overdrive as usual to think that this blog sounds this way. But this is my escape and my way of ranting where nobody can see or hear. None of my family know about my recent doctor visits ('cept my sister who now is a faithful reader *waves* HI SISTER!!), and only a select few friends.
My problem is a lifetime of unresolved issues, displaced emotions, pent up feelings and I've finally decided to do something about it.
So ... having said that -- I'm off to the gym to burn a little steam off (and hopefully a few pounds). I'm already hurting this morning and it's only 8:30. We'll see how the day goes ...
I do have an appointment set up with my GI specialist Dr. Cline, but he is so booked up that I could not get in until June 24th. I'm dreading that because I KNOW that he will want to set up another colonoscopy. I think 2 in my young 26 years is plenty for now... ugh!
I also feel the need to explain (to my vast reading audience) that I'm not this mega-depressed, gonna slit my wrists kind of person. I don't want to come across that way -- and maybe it's just my mind working in overdrive as usual to think that this blog sounds this way. But this is my escape and my way of ranting where nobody can see or hear. None of my family know about my recent doctor visits ('cept my sister who now is a faithful reader *waves* HI SISTER!!), and only a select few friends.
My problem is a lifetime of unresolved issues, displaced emotions, pent up feelings and I've finally decided to do something about it.
So ... having said that -- I'm off to the gym to burn a little steam off (and hopefully a few pounds). I'm already hurting this morning and it's only 8:30. We'll see how the day goes ...
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Another day...
I've noticed a distancing of myself lately. Not in any particular thing, but in general. People at work are beginning to comment about the change in my mood lately. So I have to ask myself... has it gotten that bad?... Or am I just tired of pretending? I don't know, but I fear that I am in for the fight of my life. No... I KNOW that I am. I just have to take care of this now, because I know that not too far down the road I will not be able to.
Do you know how insane it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone? Like there is not one solitary human being on the planet that understand or who cares for that matter. I know that is not true. I know that I have friend, family and a church who cares for me - but that does not change the feelings.
I am terrified of what lies ahead. It's a can of worms that I have held closed for so long, and now I not only opened it, but threw away the lid. There's no going back now. I cannot continue to suffer quietly and pretend that everything is okay. I have done what I thought I could never do - and that is ask for help. I went against every fiber of my being screaming to keep my mouth shut, and reached out to a select group of people. All on an individual basis, each knowing part but not the whole ... but it's there - they know - and I can't take that back. I have forever changed their opinions of me. That absolutely terrifies me.
I can feel myself pulling back and pushing away, and I'm torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay and fight through those emotions. *sigh* It's just so overwhelming at times. I was honest for the first time today when Hope asked me if I was alright ... I said no. *gasp* shocker!
I looked up depression today on the internet. Here are the symptoms:
I'm often restless and irritable.
I don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore.
I'm having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness.
I have nagging aches and pains that don't get better, no matter what I do.
My sleep patterns are irregular:
I'm sleeping too much.
I'm not sleeping enough.
I often have:
Digestive problems
Headaches or backaches
Vague aches and pains (eg, joint or muscle pains)
Chest pains
Dizziness
I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions.
People have commented on my mood or attitude lately.
My weight has changed considerably.
I feel that my functioning in everyday life (work and my interactions with family and friends) is suffering because of these problems.
I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks.
I have a family history of depression.
I've thought about suicide.
Guess how many I checked.... 13. THIRTEEN!! That's 13 out of 19 in case you were wondering.
I think I'm making Danielle mad. I haven't been to play tennis with them in probably 2 weeks now. I just don't have the strength to deal with dramatic people, and I don't have the energy or the willingness to fake it. It's better I just don't go, that way I can't say anything that I'll regret later. ha!
Bro. C is out of town preaching a 20 year anniversary service ... so there has been no laying on of hands today. I think I would have broken out in hives - ha. I've been trying the drugs the doctor gave me for the acid in the stomach ... I can't say that I notice any difference. Well, I can't say that. I have noticed that the pain is not as constant now, but you must take in to account that one HUGE stressor in my life has left (temporarily). Matt, the constant negative one at work, has been granted short term disability and FMLA to go and get some mental help. They finally moved me from directly in front of him earlier this week, and now he's out for 2 weeks. I have noticed a difference there. Vanisia moved in front of him and made the comment that she'd been sitting there for 2 days and already about to have nervous breakdown. I said "thank you ... thank you very much ... " So... it's either Matt or the meds, but there has been an easing of pain. However, before it was just a constant pressure... now it seems they will intensify for a short period of time. Hmm...
I started reading this book that I've had ever since IBC, but never had the guts to read it. It's called "Lord, Why am I Crying" by Lynda Allison Doty, PHD. In it she paraphrases another book by Dr. Timothy Foster called "Called to Counsel" where he used an interesting analogy for Depressed people that their root is Distorted Feelings.
"He talked about an emotion being sent from the production line to the packaging and labeling department, where it is given a name ("I feel hurt...") and an address (" ... at Jane"). He went on to say that at the factory, a new emotion is produced every ten minutes. What would happen if the shipping and delivery department went on strike, but the emotions plant continued to produce emotions? Soon the storeroom would be full, and you would have to start piling boxes inside the factory. The boxes would start to clog the assembly line, and eventually the whole system would shut down. What I have just described is the general cause of most depression. As the system gets clogged, a person can not longer feel emotions. A depressed person is apathetic. "I just don't care about things anymore. It's like part of me is dead". What do we do with emotions to short-circuit them so they do not pile up and begin to control our lives? We must learn to deliver them, get them out of the factory and to the proper address so the factory does not end up closed down."
I feel like I am standing in the midst of a shut down emotion factory, with piles and piles of boxes. I pick one up ... shake it a little ... barely pull it open to peek in - then slam it shut and chuck it across the room wondering how in the world am I gonna get my factory back up and running with 26 years worth of boxed up emotions standing in the way.
That's where I am today. Scared. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. Trying to wrap my brain around that scary word "depression". Seeing the massive amount of work to be done, yet lacking the strength and ability to get those boxes shipped out. So I solicit your prayers today... and in the future. I can't do this on my own, I realize that now.
Do you know how insane it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone? Like there is not one solitary human being on the planet that understand or who cares for that matter. I know that is not true. I know that I have friend, family and a church who cares for me - but that does not change the feelings.
I am terrified of what lies ahead. It's a can of worms that I have held closed for so long, and now I not only opened it, but threw away the lid. There's no going back now. I cannot continue to suffer quietly and pretend that everything is okay. I have done what I thought I could never do - and that is ask for help. I went against every fiber of my being screaming to keep my mouth shut, and reached out to a select group of people. All on an individual basis, each knowing part but not the whole ... but it's there - they know - and I can't take that back. I have forever changed their opinions of me. That absolutely terrifies me.
I can feel myself pulling back and pushing away, and I'm torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay and fight through those emotions. *sigh* It's just so overwhelming at times. I was honest for the first time today when Hope asked me if I was alright ... I said no. *gasp* shocker!
I looked up depression today on the internet. Here are the symptoms:
I'm often restless and irritable.
I don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore.
I'm having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness.
I have nagging aches and pains that don't get better, no matter what I do.
My sleep patterns are irregular:
I'm sleeping too much.
I'm not sleeping enough.
I often have:
Digestive problems
Headaches or backaches
Vague aches and pains (eg, joint or muscle pains)
Chest pains
Dizziness
I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions.
People have commented on my mood or attitude lately.
My weight has changed considerably.
I feel that my functioning in everyday life (work and my interactions with family and friends) is suffering because of these problems.
I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks.
I have a family history of depression.
I've thought about suicide.
Guess how many I checked.... 13. THIRTEEN!! That's 13 out of 19 in case you were wondering.
I think I'm making Danielle mad. I haven't been to play tennis with them in probably 2 weeks now. I just don't have the strength to deal with dramatic people, and I don't have the energy or the willingness to fake it. It's better I just don't go, that way I can't say anything that I'll regret later. ha!
Bro. C is out of town preaching a 20 year anniversary service ... so there has been no laying on of hands today. I think I would have broken out in hives - ha. I've been trying the drugs the doctor gave me for the acid in the stomach ... I can't say that I notice any difference. Well, I can't say that. I have noticed that the pain is not as constant now, but you must take in to account that one HUGE stressor in my life has left (temporarily). Matt, the constant negative one at work, has been granted short term disability and FMLA to go and get some mental help. They finally moved me from directly in front of him earlier this week, and now he's out for 2 weeks. I have noticed a difference there. Vanisia moved in front of him and made the comment that she'd been sitting there for 2 days and already about to have nervous breakdown. I said "thank you ... thank you very much ... " So... it's either Matt or the meds, but there has been an easing of pain. However, before it was just a constant pressure... now it seems they will intensify for a short period of time. Hmm...
I started reading this book that I've had ever since IBC, but never had the guts to read it. It's called "Lord, Why am I Crying" by Lynda Allison Doty, PHD. In it she paraphrases another book by Dr. Timothy Foster called "Called to Counsel" where he used an interesting analogy for Depressed people that their root is Distorted Feelings.
"He talked about an emotion being sent from the production line to the packaging and labeling department, where it is given a name ("I feel hurt...") and an address (" ... at Jane"). He went on to say that at the factory, a new emotion is produced every ten minutes. What would happen if the shipping and delivery department went on strike, but the emotions plant continued to produce emotions? Soon the storeroom would be full, and you would have to start piling boxes inside the factory. The boxes would start to clog the assembly line, and eventually the whole system would shut down. What I have just described is the general cause of most depression. As the system gets clogged, a person can not longer feel emotions. A depressed person is apathetic. "I just don't care about things anymore. It's like part of me is dead". What do we do with emotions to short-circuit them so they do not pile up and begin to control our lives? We must learn to deliver them, get them out of the factory and to the proper address so the factory does not end up closed down."
I feel like I am standing in the midst of a shut down emotion factory, with piles and piles of boxes. I pick one up ... shake it a little ... barely pull it open to peek in - then slam it shut and chuck it across the room wondering how in the world am I gonna get my factory back up and running with 26 years worth of boxed up emotions standing in the way.
That's where I am today. Scared. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. Trying to wrap my brain around that scary word "depression". Seeing the massive amount of work to be done, yet lacking the strength and ability to get those boxes shipped out. So I solicit your prayers today... and in the future. I can't do this on my own, I realize that now.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Update...
I had my doctor's appointment today. Like anything else in my life, the Dr. Green said that my symptoms were rather unusual. ha! I explained to him that my chest pain is pretty much a constant pressure -- it does not increase or decrease. However, it does not bother me at night like waking me up during the night or causing me not to be able to go to sleep or get comfy ... and when I work out the pain is completely gone. Then after cooling down it slowly comes back.
We did an EKG to be safe, and no irregular heart beats or anything like that, which he and I both didn't think it was heart related; but I just wanted to be positive with heart problems in my family. Grammie's had 2 open heart surgeries and stints put in arteries in her heart and neck... mom's had a stint put in her heart and my Uncle Shorty had 4 put in (mom's brother). So... I don't want to mess around with my heart - I pretty much know it's coming unless I do something about it now. Which... I'm way proud to tell you about my blood work done today for the body age assessment there at work. ALL of my #s were fantastic. In fact, the woman who gave me my results was even shocked. Everything they had listed (hdl, ldl, glucose...whatever) was either well below or well above what was considered healthy... whichever they were supposed to be.
Anyhow, he told me that the #2 cause for chest pain is gastrointestinal issues, and since I have chrones, that is a likely culprit. Next choice would be stress and anxiety. So... he has scheduled me for blood work tomorrow, will be setting up an appointment with my GI doctor for the 12 month follow up visit from my surgery that I should have had a year ago (yes, I know, shame on me), he prescribed me something that is to control the acids in my stomach in case it is gastrointestinal to see if that helps. He also wrote a prescription for something for anxiety to have "just in case" he said. I won't take them though ... I would not have even filled the prescription except he wrote both meds on one Rx note. Grrr. I also have a follow up visit on Tuesday of next week to see if the meds have helped any.
So... that's where I'm at at this point. No answers, just more questions. Finally sat down with Hope and talked to her tonight.... and I do mean FOR REAL talked. She went through something similar when she was younger. She had lost her big brother and both sets of grandparents within a very short period of time and had a spell of nightmares and anxiety attacks. Then later after she had miscarriage went into the whole chest pains and panic attacks. She refused to take meds as well, and she made it out the other side.
Well, there's my quick update. I'm sooo tired, it's almost 1am, and I need to get up at 5:30 to get to the gym. I gotta hit the bed...
I'm out..........
We did an EKG to be safe, and no irregular heart beats or anything like that, which he and I both didn't think it was heart related; but I just wanted to be positive with heart problems in my family. Grammie's had 2 open heart surgeries and stints put in arteries in her heart and neck... mom's had a stint put in her heart and my Uncle Shorty had 4 put in (mom's brother). So... I don't want to mess around with my heart - I pretty much know it's coming unless I do something about it now. Which... I'm way proud to tell you about my blood work done today for the body age assessment there at work. ALL of my #s were fantastic. In fact, the woman who gave me my results was even shocked. Everything they had listed (hdl, ldl, glucose...whatever) was either well below or well above what was considered healthy... whichever they were supposed to be.
Anyhow, he told me that the #2 cause for chest pain is gastrointestinal issues, and since I have chrones, that is a likely culprit. Next choice would be stress and anxiety. So... he has scheduled me for blood work tomorrow, will be setting up an appointment with my GI doctor for the 12 month follow up visit from my surgery that I should have had a year ago (yes, I know, shame on me), he prescribed me something that is to control the acids in my stomach in case it is gastrointestinal to see if that helps. He also wrote a prescription for something for anxiety to have "just in case" he said. I won't take them though ... I would not have even filled the prescription except he wrote both meds on one Rx note. Grrr. I also have a follow up visit on Tuesday of next week to see if the meds have helped any.
So... that's where I'm at at this point. No answers, just more questions. Finally sat down with Hope and talked to her tonight.... and I do mean FOR REAL talked. She went through something similar when she was younger. She had lost her big brother and both sets of grandparents within a very short period of time and had a spell of nightmares and anxiety attacks. Then later after she had miscarriage went into the whole chest pains and panic attacks. She refused to take meds as well, and she made it out the other side.
Well, there's my quick update. I'm sooo tired, it's almost 1am, and I need to get up at 5:30 to get to the gym. I gotta hit the bed...
I'm out..........
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I just THOUGHT I was embarrassed!
Yeah... so there was that thing this morning right. Well, that was small fries compared to what Bro. C did to me tonight. OMG I'm soooo embarrassed! No, I'm grateful and thankful and really do need it, but still as embarrassing as all get out!!
So tonight, the choir is singing and Bro. C walks over in the middle of the song and lays hands on me and begins to pray extremely loud . How loud? Keep in mind, all the musicians, all 120 voices in the choir (and we are LOUD)... and Jeanna over in the soprano section heard him praying tonight. He goes to rebuking things and I could have DIED! *sigh*
Ok, a little clarification here... I love that he cares enough for me that upon hearing my current mental state he feels impressed to pray (very loudly) for me. However, as I said before, this is not an all of a sudden thing that I'm dealing with here. I'm not saying God cannot completely and totally heal me right now - I don't doubt that. Wasn't it Bro. C himself that said the other day (of course talking about backslidders coming back to God expecting Him to deliver years worth of mistakes in an instant) that we should be willing to give God the same amount of time we gave the devil? I believe one touch of the Master's hand would do it, but out of my stubbornness and pridefulness of not getting that touch way back when ... I just don't think it's gonna happen that way. And maybe because I think that, it won't. Who knows. Point is, it's been a very personal, very quiet, very nobody-knows-about-it battle for me for all these years; and now there will be questions that I'm not prepared to answer. Just tonight Lori was asking why he was praying for me and is there something they should know and blah blah blah. Ugh! And you can't tell me that my nosy family didn't notice either. God... what am I gonna do?!
Ha! 26 years of solitude dealing with this on my own, and one baby step of a 30 minute conversation and I'm thrown into all this...
So... Sandy is laughing hysterically at me b/c she did not notice this morning or tonight and said that nobody else is going to either. Riiiight. So I called her when we left the restaurant and told her what's going on. She didn't believe me at first and told me that I had a perfect life. ha! Then said that everyone has their issues and that I'm more normal than I think I am. I still disagree, but whatever. She said that you would never know it because I am always fine and happy and have a lot of love to give... whatever that is supposed to mean. And it's true, I suppose. I have spent a lot of time perfecting the "everything's fine" persona. It's like I told her, something has to change.
I've also come to the conclusion that Hope just does not have a clue. She does not know that there is anything out of the ordinary happening with me, because I haven't told her. So I sent a Mother's Day card to her through Shannon (hubby) and she text me (surprise surprise) to tell me thank you. So I just told her that we had some catching up to do and was waiting on that dinner. So... she said Wednesday. Let's not hold our breath - a kid might get sick or something.
I've gotta get in bed... I've got to be up in less than 5 hours. Tomorrow is a turning point for me. I am determined to get my life organized, on a routine, and devote more time to prayer and reading God's Word. I have got to learn to completely trust Him before I can even begin to try and trust another human being. So tomorrow... it begins... well, I guess I should say later on today. ha!
So tonight, the choir is singing and Bro. C walks over in the middle of the song and lays hands on me and begins to pray extremely loud . How loud? Keep in mind, all the musicians, all 120 voices in the choir (and we are LOUD)... and Jeanna over in the soprano section heard him praying tonight. He goes to rebuking things and I could have DIED! *sigh*
Ok, a little clarification here... I love that he cares enough for me that upon hearing my current mental state he feels impressed to pray (very loudly) for me. However, as I said before, this is not an all of a sudden thing that I'm dealing with here. I'm not saying God cannot completely and totally heal me right now - I don't doubt that. Wasn't it Bro. C himself that said the other day (of course talking about backslidders coming back to God expecting Him to deliver years worth of mistakes in an instant) that we should be willing to give God the same amount of time we gave the devil? I believe one touch of the Master's hand would do it, but out of my stubbornness and pridefulness of not getting that touch way back when ... I just don't think it's gonna happen that way. And maybe because I think that, it won't. Who knows. Point is, it's been a very personal, very quiet, very nobody-knows-about-it battle for me for all these years; and now there will be questions that I'm not prepared to answer. Just tonight Lori was asking why he was praying for me and is there something they should know and blah blah blah. Ugh! And you can't tell me that my nosy family didn't notice either. God... what am I gonna do?!
Ha! 26 years of solitude dealing with this on my own, and one baby step of a 30 minute conversation and I'm thrown into all this...
So... Sandy is laughing hysterically at me b/c she did not notice this morning or tonight and said that nobody else is going to either. Riiiight. So I called her when we left the restaurant and told her what's going on. She didn't believe me at first and told me that I had a perfect life. ha! Then said that everyone has their issues and that I'm more normal than I think I am. I still disagree, but whatever. She said that you would never know it because I am always fine and happy and have a lot of love to give... whatever that is supposed to mean. And it's true, I suppose. I have spent a lot of time perfecting the "everything's fine" persona. It's like I told her, something has to change.
I've also come to the conclusion that Hope just does not have a clue. She does not know that there is anything out of the ordinary happening with me, because I haven't told her. So I sent a Mother's Day card to her through Shannon (hubby) and she text me (surprise surprise) to tell me thank you. So I just told her that we had some catching up to do and was waiting on that dinner. So... she said Wednesday. Let's not hold our breath - a kid might get sick or something.
I've gotta get in bed... I've got to be up in less than 5 hours. Tomorrow is a turning point for me. I am determined to get my life organized, on a routine, and devote more time to prayer and reading God's Word. I have got to learn to completely trust Him before I can even begin to try and trust another human being. So tomorrow... it begins... well, I guess I should say later on today. ha!
Embarrassment
So... embarrassment for the day -- Lunch with Sis. C yesterday... today, DURING PRAISE AND WORSHIP, Bro. C walks over and grabs my hand and starts praying for me. *sigh* Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for his prayers... and I pretty much figured that Sis would be telling Bro about our conversation... however, this is a very private thing for me - and he prays loud. It is a life long struggle for me that nobody knows about. Not Grammie, who I tell everything; not my best friend, because I can't get her to sit still long enough... It took a lot to actually sit and talk to Sis. C about it... ugh - I was sooo embarrassed. Luckily I was so cute today that people were just commenting about my cute dress and how skinny I'm getting (LOVE LOVE LOVE those comments) to ask what is going on. Cuz you know Pentecostal people are some nosey people. And my family is chief among them - Mmmkay?
Old Journals...
I went digging yesterday and found some really old journals. REALLY old, like 1994 old. Let's see... I would have been 13, and one particular journal was one that I kept for a creative writing class at school. I was reading some of the entries, and it just made me realize just how long I've been fighting the battle in my mind. I'm 26 now, so for at least 13 years of my life I have been dealing with these same issues. How sad. It convicted me to my core, and I just prayed for God's forgiveness. Who knows where my life could be right now, what great and awesome things I could be doing for His kingdom had I not taken care of this back then. It makes my brain hurt to even think about it.
Do you ever have those moments where you wonder what life would have been like had this or that taken place? I wonder all the time what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed together, or if they never walked away from God... so how would life be different today had I realized at the age of 13 (and maybe younger, that's just as far back as my journals go and you KNOW I don't remember) that I had a problem and needed to seek help for it. wow. And how much simpler would it have been back then. Not as many years of ingrained behavior and learned coping mechanisms to break. Would have definitely been easier at that age to learn to trust rather than now.
What is cute about the journals I found, was the first one i opened up and started reading last night was where I was counting down the days until I got to come visit down here. I was such a dork even back then, it's hilarious to see it. Apparently this particular trip, in order to be allowed to go I had to pay my own way. So at 13 or 14, I had saved enough money to buy a plane ticket and get myself to Tennessee and I spent Spring Break here. I had made friends with Shay the last time I was down... well, as much friends as a 13 year old and a grown woman with kids could and I had talked about how much I missed her and loved her. Then I was talking about how mom would yell at me and tell me that I couldn't possibly love her and miss her since I'd only just met her and all this junk. Oh and the groundings ... just in the few months worth of journal that I read, several times had it mentioned that I could not go to church because of the house not being clean, or I had a bad grade, or mom just refused for me to go. Makes me cry for that little girl. Back then, there were no tears - just a determination. I was determined not to let her get to me, I held it all in... and now 13 years later, I weep for her.
Do you ever have those moments where you wonder what life would have been like had this or that taken place? I wonder all the time what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed together, or if they never walked away from God... so how would life be different today had I realized at the age of 13 (and maybe younger, that's just as far back as my journals go and you KNOW I don't remember) that I had a problem and needed to seek help for it. wow. And how much simpler would it have been back then. Not as many years of ingrained behavior and learned coping mechanisms to break. Would have definitely been easier at that age to learn to trust rather than now.
What is cute about the journals I found, was the first one i opened up and started reading last night was where I was counting down the days until I got to come visit down here. I was such a dork even back then, it's hilarious to see it. Apparently this particular trip, in order to be allowed to go I had to pay my own way. So at 13 or 14, I had saved enough money to buy a plane ticket and get myself to Tennessee and I spent Spring Break here. I had made friends with Shay the last time I was down... well, as much friends as a 13 year old and a grown woman with kids could and I had talked about how much I missed her and loved her. Then I was talking about how mom would yell at me and tell me that I couldn't possibly love her and miss her since I'd only just met her and all this junk. Oh and the groundings ... just in the few months worth of journal that I read, several times had it mentioned that I could not go to church because of the house not being clean, or I had a bad grade, or mom just refused for me to go. Makes me cry for that little girl. Back then, there were no tears - just a determination. I was determined not to let her get to me, I held it all in... and now 13 years later, I weep for her.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I made it .. ha
So I've made it safely through the meeting. haha. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was - even to the point of tears right before I got there, but it actually went better than expected. It always does, I work myself up to thinking things like... oh, i don't know -- she's gonna run out the door screaming "she's a mad woman - crazy - everybody run!!" ha - not that that would ever happen, but these are the strange goings on of my mind.
I didn't know what to say or where to start, and I've been fretting over this for 2 weeks now. Not counting the amount of time it took me to gather my nerve just to ask her to meet with me. I'm such a dork ya know that? So I just asked her what her feelings were about getting therapy. And what she said surprised me. I was waiting for the - you must be a sinner, fallen from God's grace, backslidding, on your way to hell - speech. Okay, so maybe not that bad; but that is what I was expecting. She said she feels that you should address things spiritually first, make sure you are praying, reading your Bible, getting in the prayer line, and fully relying on God.... standard answers. However, then she said, but if you feel you have exhausted those means, then maybe you should see a therapist.
Of course, we didn't go into details - I don't do details. I just told her what has been going on lately. I told her about the pattern I've noticed in my own life, about bottling things up until I have a mini break down and go on. I told her how they are getting more severe and closer together and the whole chest pains thing is new. And the more we talked and the more she realized this was not just an all of a sudden thing, but a since I was born type thing... it's almost like she was encouraging me to seek therapy. Of course she's not gonna come out and say it. She said she would give me a week to make a Dr. appointment to get the chest pains checked out to make certain it's not a medical condition and then they can make a suggestion or recommendation of who to see. She suggested Dr. Shalaby (since I don't have a primary care physician) ... Vanisia at work sees Dr. Cobb and likes her very well ... I talked to Dawn today and she sees Dr. Green and says he's very good. So... I'm gonna do some calling around Monday and see if I can't possibly get in on Wednesday which is my half day.
I really don't want to jump into anything just yet. I do want to spend more focused time in prayer though. I know that I don't make enough time for prayer, and I'm sure that's part of the problem. I need to find a prayer partner is what I need to do - extra accountability.
I did tell her that I think mental health issues tend to run in my family. My mom really went a little nuts there for a while. I'm not talking your typical teenager saying my mom is crazy -- I really think she needed some sort of help. And I've painfully watched my sister and some of my cousins battle mental heath problems. I told her that I don't remember most of my childhood, and even that there are things that my sister has told me that I just do not remember. She said that sometimes it's best to close that chapter in your life and move on, and others you may have more difficult problems (i.e. chest pains) by closing a chapter that has not been properly dealt with. I told her there are some issues in my life that will never go away.
This junk with my Dad ... that will never go away. He will always be an issue and a sore spot with me. She said that she used to be like that, but that she does not NEED him b/c Bro. C has filled that for her. She said that she struggled a lot with being scared and could not be left alone, and that she had issues with self esteem and things like that. She said that her husband filled the places left vacant by her dad not being around and became her strength - through that and God she is the extroverted person that she is today. However, I am not to that place yet. I still feel like I need him, I still miss him terribly, and I still feel like a scared little girl running to mommy and daddy... but they are not there. And he has an incredible knack for sending an email at just the right time to keep me hoping and wishing. And yes, I said an email... no phone calls, no visits, just a one sentence email. Got one yesterday as a matter of fact. Have not heard from him since Grandpa Alfter's funeral, and I get an email. The entirety of it is this:
Jennifer,
Amber says you're not coming to her wedding. Say it ain't so!!!!
Dad
Which, by the way, I actually GOT an invitation to Amber's wedding - this would be my sister - unlike my brother's wedding which I knew nothing about until after the fact. I would love to go, but it's the Friday night before Memorial Day ... and we have a wedding on Saturday and Sunday that weekend. I just can't do it ... unless he wants to spring for a ticket there Fri morning and back Fri after the ceremony. Other than that ... I just can't.
Anyway, the point is... well heck, I don't know what the point is. I'm no more clear than when I started this morning, but at least I don't feel like I'll be condemned to hell for having mental problems, and I feel somehow lighter now that she knows. Don't get too excited, not that much lighter. Speaking of which... the pain is not as great today. I'm thinking that work has a lot to do with it. I think the stress of where I am at there, since I can't stand my boss, and the constant negativity I hear for 8 hours straight coming from Matt ... I think it takes a toll on me. Collections is a stressful job to begin with, when you add on top of that a boss you do not like and co workers that are "Negative Nancies" ... plus all the other junk I have on a daily basis - it's tough sometimes.
I am about to pass out... so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. yeah...right. But I'll try. Asta...
I didn't know what to say or where to start, and I've been fretting over this for 2 weeks now. Not counting the amount of time it took me to gather my nerve just to ask her to meet with me. I'm such a dork ya know that? So I just asked her what her feelings were about getting therapy. And what she said surprised me. I was waiting for the - you must be a sinner, fallen from God's grace, backslidding, on your way to hell - speech. Okay, so maybe not that bad; but that is what I was expecting. She said she feels that you should address things spiritually first, make sure you are praying, reading your Bible, getting in the prayer line, and fully relying on God.... standard answers. However, then she said, but if you feel you have exhausted those means, then maybe you should see a therapist.
Of course, we didn't go into details - I don't do details. I just told her what has been going on lately. I told her about the pattern I've noticed in my own life, about bottling things up until I have a mini break down and go on. I told her how they are getting more severe and closer together and the whole chest pains thing is new. And the more we talked and the more she realized this was not just an all of a sudden thing, but a since I was born type thing... it's almost like she was encouraging me to seek therapy. Of course she's not gonna come out and say it. She said she would give me a week to make a Dr. appointment to get the chest pains checked out to make certain it's not a medical condition and then they can make a suggestion or recommendation of who to see. She suggested Dr. Shalaby (since I don't have a primary care physician) ... Vanisia at work sees Dr. Cobb and likes her very well ... I talked to Dawn today and she sees Dr. Green and says he's very good. So... I'm gonna do some calling around Monday and see if I can't possibly get in on Wednesday which is my half day.
I really don't want to jump into anything just yet. I do want to spend more focused time in prayer though. I know that I don't make enough time for prayer, and I'm sure that's part of the problem. I need to find a prayer partner is what I need to do - extra accountability.
I did tell her that I think mental health issues tend to run in my family. My mom really went a little nuts there for a while. I'm not talking your typical teenager saying my mom is crazy -- I really think she needed some sort of help. And I've painfully watched my sister and some of my cousins battle mental heath problems. I told her that I don't remember most of my childhood, and even that there are things that my sister has told me that I just do not remember. She said that sometimes it's best to close that chapter in your life and move on, and others you may have more difficult problems (i.e. chest pains) by closing a chapter that has not been properly dealt with. I told her there are some issues in my life that will never go away.
This junk with my Dad ... that will never go away. He will always be an issue and a sore spot with me. She said that she used to be like that, but that she does not NEED him b/c Bro. C has filled that for her. She said that she struggled a lot with being scared and could not be left alone, and that she had issues with self esteem and things like that. She said that her husband filled the places left vacant by her dad not being around and became her strength - through that and God she is the extroverted person that she is today. However, I am not to that place yet. I still feel like I need him, I still miss him terribly, and I still feel like a scared little girl running to mommy and daddy... but they are not there. And he has an incredible knack for sending an email at just the right time to keep me hoping and wishing. And yes, I said an email... no phone calls, no visits, just a one sentence email. Got one yesterday as a matter of fact. Have not heard from him since Grandpa Alfter's funeral, and I get an email. The entirety of it is this:
Jennifer,
Amber says you're not coming to her wedding. Say it ain't so!!!!
Dad
Which, by the way, I actually GOT an invitation to Amber's wedding - this would be my sister - unlike my brother's wedding which I knew nothing about until after the fact. I would love to go, but it's the Friday night before Memorial Day ... and we have a wedding on Saturday and Sunday that weekend. I just can't do it ... unless he wants to spring for a ticket there Fri morning and back Fri after the ceremony. Other than that ... I just can't.
Anyway, the point is... well heck, I don't know what the point is. I'm no more clear than when I started this morning, but at least I don't feel like I'll be condemned to hell for having mental problems, and I feel somehow lighter now that she knows. Don't get too excited, not that much lighter. Speaking of which... the pain is not as great today. I'm thinking that work has a lot to do with it. I think the stress of where I am at there, since I can't stand my boss, and the constant negativity I hear for 8 hours straight coming from Matt ... I think it takes a toll on me. Collections is a stressful job to begin with, when you add on top of that a boss you do not like and co workers that are "Negative Nancies" ... plus all the other junk I have on a daily basis - it's tough sometimes.
I am about to pass out... so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. yeah...right. But I'll try. Asta...
D-day
Today's the day. Well, maybe - ha. I just called Sis. Carpenter and Bro. C answered. Apparently she's been out all morning and left her phone at home. So... I guess we'll wait to hear from her. I still have no idea what to say or where to start. I'll let you know how it goes though. I'm so nervous I can't hardly stand it!! I'm terrified and anxious and can't hardly breath. Why to I let myself get so worked up? Oh yeah, and don't forget the over active digestive system today either. ha! [update -- just got a call from her, meeting at 1:45 at Toppers... OMG my innerds are quivering]
So to clear my head a bit, let me tell you what happened yesterday. UGH!! I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. 3 days a week I get up for body pump at 6am, then at work sometimes on my lunch break I'll go to our gym and do cardio, and just about every day they have a 15 minute abs class that I've been going to. Well.... yesterday was Andy's turn to teach the class. Ok, this is the same guy that did my body age assessment and witnessed the fact that I did 60 situps and on minute. Pretty darn good for a fat girl I must say - I was proud, and he was shocked. So anyway, I digress (as Hope would say), I keep up pretty good in the class, but my poor friend Meggan... just can't. She can't get in the right positions, doesn't do them properly, and the ones she can, she just gives up half way through. Two or three times he had to come over and help her and show her how to do something or a different way to do it. Anyway, so at the end of the class he comes up to the both of us ... yes BOTH of us and lets us know that there are beginner classes available that he thinks we may benefit more from.
At first I'm thinking... okay, he's just trying to let Meggan know, dude you suck might wanna practice first. But the more I thought about it, the angrier it made me. Everything he said was to the both of us. What are both of your schedules... I think you both may benefit more from beginners ... just throwing it out there for you guys. Yeah, that last comment was when I completely ignored him. What I wanted to say was ... okay look - I know that your skinny tail cannot comprehend this, but it's a little more difficult getting my body off the ground that it is yours. I've got a good hundred pounds on every one else in that room and the fact that I come every day and ignore their stares and still do the freakin workout should say something about my determination. AND keep in mind darling that I have been up since 5:30 this morning working every muscle in my body and doing anything at this point other than walking is making them shake. Oh i was mad!! He better not say a word to me again ... I'll let him have it. I've got my speech prepared as you can see. =o)
Yeah - so I've been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes now (just got that phone call) why do I get so worked up? She's just another human being - I'm just another church member going through something and needs to talk about it and get advice. Old hat for her. Scared poopless for me. ha - my Aunt Shelia always says that.
I think it's because once I do open my mouth, once I start that ball rolling - I can't undo it. Whatever her opinion of me is, today it will forever be changed. I guess I'm still hung up on the whole - God's children aren't depressed thing. It absolutely terrifies me. I know that I am a child of God, but I also know that I have a very real problem. And what makes in more frustrating is I cannot point to one, or even several things and say this is why I feel this way. I just know that walking through each day feeling completely alone, depressed, not wanting to do anything but sleep, having chest pains, itching to get home to an empty house for quiet and rest and then post-poning that as long as possible because it is empty and lonesome.... it's got to stop.
All I can do today is keep saying "God, I need strength today". Dana basically told me that it takes a strong person to make it this far... but even stronger to ask for help. That's where I'm at today. I am proud of myself (sorta) for making it this far. I've accomplished much with my short 26 years, but I'm standing at a crossroads where I know if I don't turn left and do something about this now -- it's gonna get worse, and I'm going to crash and burn.
On the other hand, I've got 26 years of history telling me that my system works. Just keep walking and you'll make it. It's rough at times, but you'll get through it and move on. I feel like... like God has a greater purpose for my life. That there is something he has planned for me to do. I have NO CLUE what that may be, but I feel like it's off in the distance just out of sight. I can see that there is something there... but not clearly. Know what I mean? But I feel like I cannot get from here to there without fixing this. And I don't know how to fix it.
I feel like I'm rambling and jumping from subject to subject. I've got to calm down. Gonna go finish getting ready now so I can twiddle my thumbs and wait another hour to leave. haha. I'll be sure to update later... asta
So to clear my head a bit, let me tell you what happened yesterday. UGH!! I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. 3 days a week I get up for body pump at 6am, then at work sometimes on my lunch break I'll go to our gym and do cardio, and just about every day they have a 15 minute abs class that I've been going to. Well.... yesterday was Andy's turn to teach the class. Ok, this is the same guy that did my body age assessment and witnessed the fact that I did 60 situps and on minute. Pretty darn good for a fat girl I must say - I was proud, and he was shocked. So anyway, I digress (as Hope would say), I keep up pretty good in the class, but my poor friend Meggan... just can't. She can't get in the right positions, doesn't do them properly, and the ones she can, she just gives up half way through. Two or three times he had to come over and help her and show her how to do something or a different way to do it. Anyway, so at the end of the class he comes up to the both of us ... yes BOTH of us and lets us know that there are beginner classes available that he thinks we may benefit more from.
At first I'm thinking... okay, he's just trying to let Meggan know, dude you suck might wanna practice first. But the more I thought about it, the angrier it made me. Everything he said was to the both of us. What are both of your schedules... I think you both may benefit more from beginners ... just throwing it out there for you guys. Yeah, that last comment was when I completely ignored him. What I wanted to say was ... okay look - I know that your skinny tail cannot comprehend this, but it's a little more difficult getting my body off the ground that it is yours. I've got a good hundred pounds on every one else in that room and the fact that I come every day and ignore their stares and still do the freakin workout should say something about my determination. AND keep in mind darling that I have been up since 5:30 this morning working every muscle in my body and doing anything at this point other than walking is making them shake. Oh i was mad!! He better not say a word to me again ... I'll let him have it. I've got my speech prepared as you can see. =o)
Yeah - so I've been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes now (just got that phone call) why do I get so worked up? She's just another human being - I'm just another church member going through something and needs to talk about it and get advice. Old hat for her. Scared poopless for me. ha - my Aunt Shelia always says that.
I think it's because once I do open my mouth, once I start that ball rolling - I can't undo it. Whatever her opinion of me is, today it will forever be changed. I guess I'm still hung up on the whole - God's children aren't depressed thing. It absolutely terrifies me. I know that I am a child of God, but I also know that I have a very real problem. And what makes in more frustrating is I cannot point to one, or even several things and say this is why I feel this way. I just know that walking through each day feeling completely alone, depressed, not wanting to do anything but sleep, having chest pains, itching to get home to an empty house for quiet and rest and then post-poning that as long as possible because it is empty and lonesome.... it's got to stop.
All I can do today is keep saying "God, I need strength today". Dana basically told me that it takes a strong person to make it this far... but even stronger to ask for help. That's where I'm at today. I am proud of myself (sorta) for making it this far. I've accomplished much with my short 26 years, but I'm standing at a crossroads where I know if I don't turn left and do something about this now -- it's gonna get worse, and I'm going to crash and burn.
On the other hand, I've got 26 years of history telling me that my system works. Just keep walking and you'll make it. It's rough at times, but you'll get through it and move on. I feel like... like God has a greater purpose for my life. That there is something he has planned for me to do. I have NO CLUE what that may be, but I feel like it's off in the distance just out of sight. I can see that there is something there... but not clearly. Know what I mean? But I feel like I cannot get from here to there without fixing this. And I don't know how to fix it.
I feel like I'm rambling and jumping from subject to subject. I've got to calm down. Gonna go finish getting ready now so I can twiddle my thumbs and wait another hour to leave. haha. I'll be sure to update later... asta
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Today
Today was rough.
Since I had planned to meet with my pastor's wife today for breakfast, I had gone to the bookstore yesterday before church to get all my typical Thursday stuff done. Catch up on the daily things and run payroll and print out checks for various other things. So, I allowed myself to sleep in. Well, I didn't even move until 9am. I just didn't want to get out bed even then. It's awful - I hate this feeling. It's like ... nothing matters. Don't want to work, don't want to see people, talk to people ... don't want to do anything that does not involve my bed or my couch. But of course, I go to work... the minute I walk in the door- chest pains. ugh! Alllll day today, just this constant pressure. A couple of times I had to get up from my desk and walk around because I felt panicy. Is that even a word?
Wanna know what's funny? Meggan, one of my coworkers, left for lunch with Vanisia and Heather ... definitely was taken to the hospital because she had a panic attack at the restaurant. By the time they got her to the ER, she was white, her lips were blue, eyes rolling in the back of her head ... Point is - was not the right moment for one of my own. haha.
So I get online tonight and my sister happens to be on. Just seeing her online brings tears to my eyes. And one phrase sets me off "so it's gotten that bad huh?". Bawling, like a baby. It's frustrating to begin with the situation alone. But all my life I've had to be strong for my sister. At least that is the way I felt. I could tell her, without "telling" her, that we can make it - watch me, follow me... So how can I break down? That has been my mentality - among other things. So now, I sit here, bawling, to a sister that I am supposed to be strong for... and ironically - she's already been down this road and is now being strong for me. *sigh* I admire her courage. She recognized long ago that she needed help, and with guts and a whole lot of strength she went out and got the help she needed. She did not care what people thought, or what people were talking about, or even what mom was telling her. Oh GOD, if my mom found out I was even CONSIDERING seeing a shrink ... oh my lord, she can't know. She was the perfect mother now, her kids could not possibly be anything less then well rounded individuals who appreciate such a perfect upbringing.
Well, I have definitely run out of steam ... have no idea where my thought process was going and I have to be up in 4 hours if I am going to BP tomorrow. So I'm out ...
Since I had planned to meet with my pastor's wife today for breakfast, I had gone to the bookstore yesterday before church to get all my typical Thursday stuff done. Catch up on the daily things and run payroll and print out checks for various other things. So, I allowed myself to sleep in. Well, I didn't even move until 9am. I just didn't want to get out bed even then. It's awful - I hate this feeling. It's like ... nothing matters. Don't want to work, don't want to see people, talk to people ... don't want to do anything that does not involve my bed or my couch. But of course, I go to work... the minute I walk in the door- chest pains. ugh! Alllll day today, just this constant pressure. A couple of times I had to get up from my desk and walk around because I felt panicy. Is that even a word?
Wanna know what's funny? Meggan, one of my coworkers, left for lunch with Vanisia and Heather ... definitely was taken to the hospital because she had a panic attack at the restaurant. By the time they got her to the ER, she was white, her lips were blue, eyes rolling in the back of her head ... Point is - was not the right moment for one of my own. haha.
So I get online tonight and my sister happens to be on. Just seeing her online brings tears to my eyes. And one phrase sets me off "so it's gotten that bad huh?". Bawling, like a baby. It's frustrating to begin with the situation alone. But all my life I've had to be strong for my sister. At least that is the way I felt. I could tell her, without "telling" her, that we can make it - watch me, follow me... So how can I break down? That has been my mentality - among other things. So now, I sit here, bawling, to a sister that I am supposed to be strong for... and ironically - she's already been down this road and is now being strong for me. *sigh* I admire her courage. She recognized long ago that she needed help, and with guts and a whole lot of strength she went out and got the help she needed. She did not care what people thought, or what people were talking about, or even what mom was telling her. Oh GOD, if my mom found out I was even CONSIDERING seeing a shrink ... oh my lord, she can't know. She was the perfect mother now, her kids could not possibly be anything less then well rounded individuals who appreciate such a perfect upbringing.
Well, I have definitely run out of steam ... have no idea where my thought process was going and I have to be up in 4 hours if I am going to BP tomorrow. So I'm out ...
The friendship prayer...
I've read this before, but my cousin Stacey posted this on my MySpace page today...
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... Amen."
Hee hee... So funny.
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... Amen."
Hee hee... So funny.
Friendship
So I'm a little fused with corn (confused.. corn fused ... fused with corn -- for all of those who had no clue). Maybe it's all in my head - ha - like most things; but I can't help but get aggravated over a certain friendship that I have.
I feel like.... like it's a one sided relationship. I feel like I'm expected to drop everything to cater to her needs, and yet when I need her - she's got other stuff to do. I've been going through this ... this ... well, whatever this is for a while now. Visibly struggling for something. People I never talk to and hardly know are asking me what is going on - but not my best friend. What the junk? I left her a message Tuesday night. I had had a particularly AWFUL day and rather than my usual, hey call me messages I said "I have had the day from hades and you always have funny stories so ... call and cheer me up." Do you know when I heard from her... this morning - THURSDAY in a text message telling me we have a wedding booked for October 4th.
Is that being over sensitive? I'm I expecting too much from one human being? I mean ... I am her emergency contact on all of her medical forms for goodness sake, but she can't be bothered to give me a call when I just need a funny Preston story? I don't know.... Just makes me feel alone. ha - more alone that usual. And I know that's not true, I know there are people out there who do care about me and would listen if I called... (wink) ... but that's just how I feel.
haha.. this is turning out to be one depressing blog there now isn't it. I think I'll dig through my closet and see if I can't find some older things that I have written and post them in here. Not today though. I've gotta get to work. I've camped out in my room until Dani left. She texted me tuesday and said "so, how bout i spend the night tomorrow" ... ooookay, what do you say. So she crashed on the couch and I hid out in my room until I heard her leave. lol.
Okay .. I gotta get ready. UGH... I DREAD today. I cannot take Matt any longer sitting in front of me. I swear he is the most negative person on the face of the planet. That's all I hear for 8 hours is how he hates his job, hates his customers, hates himself.... and no matter of trying to tell him different will help. I've stopped trying. So ignore him for your own piece of mind?.... yeah, then he gets mad because you are ignoring him. Aight ... here i go ... off to the working world.......
I feel like.... like it's a one sided relationship. I feel like I'm expected to drop everything to cater to her needs, and yet when I need her - she's got other stuff to do. I've been going through this ... this ... well, whatever this is for a while now. Visibly struggling for something. People I never talk to and hardly know are asking me what is going on - but not my best friend. What the junk? I left her a message Tuesday night. I had had a particularly AWFUL day and rather than my usual, hey call me messages I said "I have had the day from hades and you always have funny stories so ... call and cheer me up." Do you know when I heard from her... this morning - THURSDAY in a text message telling me we have a wedding booked for October 4th.
Is that being over sensitive? I'm I expecting too much from one human being? I mean ... I am her emergency contact on all of her medical forms for goodness sake, but she can't be bothered to give me a call when I just need a funny Preston story? I don't know.... Just makes me feel alone. ha - more alone that usual. And I know that's not true, I know there are people out there who do care about me and would listen if I called... (wink) ... but that's just how I feel.
haha.. this is turning out to be one depressing blog there now isn't it. I think I'll dig through my closet and see if I can't find some older things that I have written and post them in here. Not today though. I've gotta get to work. I've camped out in my room until Dani left. She texted me tuesday and said "so, how bout i spend the night tomorrow" ... ooookay, what do you say. So she crashed on the couch and I hid out in my room until I heard her leave. lol.
Okay .. I gotta get ready. UGH... I DREAD today. I cannot take Matt any longer sitting in front of me. I swear he is the most negative person on the face of the planet. That's all I hear for 8 hours is how he hates his job, hates his customers, hates himself.... and no matter of trying to tell him different will help. I've stopped trying. So ignore him for your own piece of mind?.... yeah, then he gets mad because you are ignoring him. Aight ... here i go ... off to the working world.......
Another anxious three days...
So... Our penciled in breakfast date for tomorrow got post-poned until Saturday lunch. ahh... that's another 3 days to worry!! What am I gonna do? At this point, I think that I'm just gonna feel her out on her thoughts about counseling and therapy and go from there. I am absolutely terrified. I'm torn between telling myself 'you've got to open up your mouth' and 'you are crazy, keep it shut'. What's a girl to do?
I was talking to a friend last night on the internet IM'ing back and forth. We've not really talked much in 3 years, but got into some pretty heavy conversation last night. Even in the comfort of my own room, alone, and only typing with no risk of anyone seeing me or even hearing me... just words on a screen -- I cannot bring myself to talk about myself or what's going on with me to a person I once considered my best friend. What is the deal with me? It's so frustrating. I wish I could just snap my fingers and someone could just be in my head for a few minutes and completely understand without having to try to form words.
I tell you one thing though ... these chest pains have got to stop. Even now, after midnight and about to fall out of my chair asleep... there is still that constant pressure. Imagine if someone had their hand on your chest and just kept pushing. I was getting a little panic-y tonight in praise team too. Maybe I just need to surrender to it all and loose my tiny little mind one good time and get it over with. ha! That's what I feel like doing sometimes.
Here's my struggle, and I have managed to make myself talk to Dana and Dawn about this surprisingly -- there is this part of me that is screaming out for help. I'm beginning to think that I need to seek professional assistance in dealing with some of the stuff going on in my head. Then there is another part that is saying - you are a child of God, you shouldn't be feeling this way. You are a christian, you shouldn't be depressed. You have the Holy Ghost, all you have to do is pray.
I am fully aware of my spiritual health, and granted I admit that I am not in the place that I should be. But can any of us truly say that? I know that I need to dedicate myself to growing in God and praying more and fasting more and reading the Bible more. I know that. Maybe I just need to have more faith, but at this time in my life - I do not see how prayer alone will help. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that prayer is my most vital tool and weapon against the enemy. I know it is the most untapped resource in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is (and out loud -sorta- for the first time), somewhere I need to find the courage to even trust God with every part of me. I feel like I hide so much and am ashamed of thoughts and feelings and background and family and so on.... that somewhere I've lost myself. Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror. I sure don't recognize her.
I'm trying to transform myself. I'm trying to take food away as a comfort and take pride in the way I look. Not just in my clothes, cuz you know I always gotta look cute! In my health and well being. My Grandma was in her late 40's when she had her first open heart surgery. Mom was in her 40's when they went in to put stints in her arteries. that gives me less than 20 years to make sure I don't follow in that path. So I'm putting forth the effort and busting my tail at 6am three days a week to do body pump, and trying to eat better, and loose the weight. But all this stress and anxiety and pent up emotion is going to kill me. I have got to get it out of me. I just pray that I can find the courage to trust someone enough.
Well, my eyes are starting to cross involuntarily... I guess it's time for bed - ha! More to come I'm sure..............
I was talking to a friend last night on the internet IM'ing back and forth. We've not really talked much in 3 years, but got into some pretty heavy conversation last night. Even in the comfort of my own room, alone, and only typing with no risk of anyone seeing me or even hearing me... just words on a screen -- I cannot bring myself to talk about myself or what's going on with me to a person I once considered my best friend. What is the deal with me? It's so frustrating. I wish I could just snap my fingers and someone could just be in my head for a few minutes and completely understand without having to try to form words.
I tell you one thing though ... these chest pains have got to stop. Even now, after midnight and about to fall out of my chair asleep... there is still that constant pressure. Imagine if someone had their hand on your chest and just kept pushing. I was getting a little panic-y tonight in praise team too. Maybe I just need to surrender to it all and loose my tiny little mind one good time and get it over with. ha! That's what I feel like doing sometimes.
Here's my struggle, and I have managed to make myself talk to Dana and Dawn about this surprisingly -- there is this part of me that is screaming out for help. I'm beginning to think that I need to seek professional assistance in dealing with some of the stuff going on in my head. Then there is another part that is saying - you are a child of God, you shouldn't be feeling this way. You are a christian, you shouldn't be depressed. You have the Holy Ghost, all you have to do is pray.
I am fully aware of my spiritual health, and granted I admit that I am not in the place that I should be. But can any of us truly say that? I know that I need to dedicate myself to growing in God and praying more and fasting more and reading the Bible more. I know that. Maybe I just need to have more faith, but at this time in my life - I do not see how prayer alone will help. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that prayer is my most vital tool and weapon against the enemy. I know it is the most untapped resource in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is (and out loud -sorta- for the first time), somewhere I need to find the courage to even trust God with every part of me. I feel like I hide so much and am ashamed of thoughts and feelings and background and family and so on.... that somewhere I've lost myself. Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror. I sure don't recognize her.
I'm trying to transform myself. I'm trying to take food away as a comfort and take pride in the way I look. Not just in my clothes, cuz you know I always gotta look cute! In my health and well being. My Grandma was in her late 40's when she had her first open heart surgery. Mom was in her 40's when they went in to put stints in her arteries. that gives me less than 20 years to make sure I don't follow in that path. So I'm putting forth the effort and busting my tail at 6am three days a week to do body pump, and trying to eat better, and loose the weight. But all this stress and anxiety and pent up emotion is going to kill me. I have got to get it out of me. I just pray that I can find the courage to trust someone enough.
Well, my eyes are starting to cross involuntarily... I guess it's time for bed - ha! More to come I'm sure..............
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Five Whole Days!!!
Oh.... Em.... Gee - it's been five whole days since I've blogged. What am I gonna do with myself. ha... Okay, so for updates:
I've heard back from one of the positions that I applied for. It was the one for insides sales. Basically they really liked my personality, I interviewed well, and I was the one that seemed "most real" out of all the applicants; but when it came down to it, they wanted someone with mortgage experience. I suppose COLLECTING on delinquent mortgages is not experience enough. However, they did request that I job shadow some more and feel out the other departments of Direct Lending and keep an eye out for other positions available.
Haven't heard from the other one yet, but I'm banking on the fact that I won't get that one either. I did interview with Sharon Kennedy - she is the head hancho of Human Resources. She was conducting the first meet and greet interview for the supervisor over the position. It would be the Office Manager of a Sales Center. One position in Lenoir City (I think it's about 20 miles or so from me) and one in Nashville (3 1/2 hours from me). Definitely thinking Lenoir City - ha.
I am FINALLY getting some pics uploaded from London and Paris trip. In fact, uploading as we... well, as I type. They are going up on MySpace first. Then I'll work on getting them on EC and on here.
One other thing before I pass out sitting here (and the thought of getting up at 5am to go work out is tiring still). I have penciled in a breakfast date with my pastor's wife. Thursday morning. That's 3 whole days to figure out exactly what it is that I want to talk to her about - and three whole days (80 hours if you wanna get technical) to be sick with anxiety. She even told me that I had better talk this time... I told her I'd let her know Wednesday then if I was going to chicken out or not. ha! *sigh* where to start, what to discuss... I'm gonna loose my mind between now and then. I can't just wing it, because I will definitely loose my nerve... I've got to have some sort of game plan.
My brain can no longer function tonight, so I'll figure it out tomorrow. Or start trying to anyway. Maybe that means I can get right to sleep instead of laying there staring at the ceiling forever. *yawn* Aight... I'm out -- later.
I've heard back from one of the positions that I applied for. It was the one for insides sales. Basically they really liked my personality, I interviewed well, and I was the one that seemed "most real" out of all the applicants; but when it came down to it, they wanted someone with mortgage experience. I suppose COLLECTING on delinquent mortgages is not experience enough. However, they did request that I job shadow some more and feel out the other departments of Direct Lending and keep an eye out for other positions available.
Haven't heard from the other one yet, but I'm banking on the fact that I won't get that one either. I did interview with Sharon Kennedy - she is the head hancho of Human Resources. She was conducting the first meet and greet interview for the supervisor over the position. It would be the Office Manager of a Sales Center. One position in Lenoir City (I think it's about 20 miles or so from me) and one in Nashville (3 1/2 hours from me). Definitely thinking Lenoir City - ha.
I am FINALLY getting some pics uploaded from London and Paris trip. In fact, uploading as we... well, as I type. They are going up on MySpace first. Then I'll work on getting them on EC and on here.
One other thing before I pass out sitting here (and the thought of getting up at 5am to go work out is tiring still). I have penciled in a breakfast date with my pastor's wife. Thursday morning. That's 3 whole days to figure out exactly what it is that I want to talk to her about - and three whole days (80 hours if you wanna get technical) to be sick with anxiety. She even told me that I had better talk this time... I told her I'd let her know Wednesday then if I was going to chicken out or not. ha! *sigh* where to start, what to discuss... I'm gonna loose my mind between now and then. I can't just wing it, because I will definitely loose my nerve... I've got to have some sort of game plan.
My brain can no longer function tonight, so I'll figure it out tomorrow. Or start trying to anyway. Maybe that means I can get right to sleep instead of laying there staring at the ceiling forever. *yawn* Aight... I'm out -- later.
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