Yeah... so there was that thing this morning right. Well, that was small fries compared to what Bro. C did to me tonight. OMG I'm soooo embarrassed! No, I'm grateful and thankful and really do need it, but still as embarrassing as all get out!!
So tonight, the choir is singing and Bro. C walks over in the middle of the song and lays hands on me and begins to pray extremely loud . How loud? Keep in mind, all the musicians, all 120 voices in the choir (and we are LOUD)... and Jeanna over in the soprano section heard him praying tonight. He goes to rebuking things and I could have DIED! *sigh*
Ok, a little clarification here... I love that he cares enough for me that upon hearing my current mental state he feels impressed to pray (very loudly) for me. However, as I said before, this is not an all of a sudden thing that I'm dealing with here. I'm not saying God cannot completely and totally heal me right now - I don't doubt that. Wasn't it Bro. C himself that said the other day (of course talking about backslidders coming back to God expecting Him to deliver years worth of mistakes in an instant) that we should be willing to give God the same amount of time we gave the devil? I believe one touch of the Master's hand would do it, but out of my stubbornness and pridefulness of not getting that touch way back when ... I just don't think it's gonna happen that way. And maybe because I think that, it won't. Who knows. Point is, it's been a very personal, very quiet, very nobody-knows-about-it battle for me for all these years; and now there will be questions that I'm not prepared to answer. Just tonight Lori was asking why he was praying for me and is there something they should know and blah blah blah. Ugh! And you can't tell me that my nosy family didn't notice either. God... what am I gonna do?!
Ha! 26 years of solitude dealing with this on my own, and one baby step of a 30 minute conversation and I'm thrown into all this...
So... Sandy is laughing hysterically at me b/c she did not notice this morning or tonight and said that nobody else is going to either. Riiiight. So I called her when we left the restaurant and told her what's going on. She didn't believe me at first and told me that I had a perfect life. ha! Then said that everyone has their issues and that I'm more normal than I think I am. I still disagree, but whatever. She said that you would never know it because I am always fine and happy and have a lot of love to give... whatever that is supposed to mean. And it's true, I suppose. I have spent a lot of time perfecting the "everything's fine" persona. It's like I told her, something has to change.
I've also come to the conclusion that Hope just does not have a clue. She does not know that there is anything out of the ordinary happening with me, because I haven't told her. So I sent a Mother's Day card to her through Shannon (hubby) and she text me (surprise surprise) to tell me thank you. So I just told her that we had some catching up to do and was waiting on that dinner. So... she said Wednesday. Let's not hold our breath - a kid might get sick or something.
I've gotta get in bed... I've got to be up in less than 5 hours. Tomorrow is a turning point for me. I am determined to get my life organized, on a routine, and devote more time to prayer and reading God's Word. I have got to learn to completely trust Him before I can even begin to try and trust another human being. So tomorrow... it begins... well, I guess I should say later on today. ha!
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