Today

Today was rough.

Since I had planned to meet with my pastor's wife today for breakfast, I had gone to the bookstore yesterday before church to get all my typical Thursday stuff done. Catch up on the daily things and run payroll and print out checks for various other things. So, I allowed myself to sleep in. Well, I didn't even move until 9am. I just didn't want to get out bed even then. It's awful - I hate this feeling. It's like ... nothing matters. Don't want to work, don't want to see people, talk to people ... don't want to do anything that does not involve my bed or my couch. But of course, I go to work... the minute I walk in the door- chest pains. ugh! Alllll day today, just this constant pressure. A couple of times I had to get up from my desk and walk around because I felt panicy. Is that even a word?

Wanna know what's funny? Meggan, one of my coworkers, left for lunch with Vanisia and Heather ... definitely was taken to the hospital because she had a panic attack at the restaurant. By the time they got her to the ER, she was white, her lips were blue, eyes rolling in the back of her head ... Point is - was not the right moment for one of my own. haha.

So I get online tonight and my sister happens to be on. Just seeing her online brings tears to my eyes. And one phrase sets me off "so it's gotten that bad huh?". Bawling, like a baby. It's frustrating to begin with the situation alone. But all my life I've had to be strong for my sister. At least that is the way I felt. I could tell her, without "telling" her, that we can make it - watch me, follow me... So how can I break down? That has been my mentality - among other things. So now, I sit here, bawling, to a sister that I am supposed to be strong for... and ironically - she's already been down this road and is now being strong for me. *sigh* I admire her courage. She recognized long ago that she needed help, and with guts and a whole lot of strength she went out and got the help she needed. She did not care what people thought, or what people were talking about, or even what mom was telling her. Oh GOD, if my mom found out I was even CONSIDERING seeing a shrink ... oh my lord, she can't know. She was the perfect mother now, her kids could not possibly be anything less then well rounded individuals who appreciate such a perfect upbringing.

Well, I have definitely run out of steam ... have no idea where my thought process was going and I have to be up in 4 hours if I am going to BP tomorrow. So I'm out ...