D-day

Today's the day. Well, maybe - ha. I just called Sis. Carpenter and Bro. C answered. Apparently she's been out all morning and left her phone at home. So... I guess we'll wait to hear from her. I still have no idea what to say or where to start. I'll let you know how it goes though. I'm so nervous I can't hardly stand it!! I'm terrified and anxious and can't hardly breath. Why to I let myself get so worked up? Oh yeah, and don't forget the over active digestive system today either. ha! [update -- just got a call from her, meeting at 1:45 at Toppers... OMG my innerds are quivering]

So to clear my head a bit, let me tell you what happened yesterday. UGH!! I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. 3 days a week I get up for body pump at 6am, then at work sometimes on my lunch break I'll go to our gym and do cardio, and just about every day they have a 15 minute abs class that I've been going to. Well.... yesterday was Andy's turn to teach the class. Ok, this is the same guy that did my body age assessment and witnessed the fact that I did 60 situps and on minute. Pretty darn good for a fat girl I must say - I was proud, and he was shocked. So anyway, I digress (as Hope would say), I keep up pretty good in the class, but my poor friend Meggan... just can't. She can't get in the right positions, doesn't do them properly, and the ones she can, she just gives up half way through. Two or three times he had to come over and help her and show her how to do something or a different way to do it. Anyway, so at the end of the class he comes up to the both of us ... yes BOTH of us and lets us know that there are beginner classes available that he thinks we may benefit more from.

At first I'm thinking... okay, he's just trying to let Meggan know, dude you suck might wanna practice first. But the more I thought about it, the angrier it made me. Everything he said was to the both of us. What are both of your schedules... I think you both may benefit more from beginners ... just throwing it out there for you guys. Yeah, that last comment was when I completely ignored him. What I wanted to say was ... okay look - I know that your skinny tail cannot comprehend this, but it's a little more difficult getting my body off the ground that it is yours. I've got a good hundred pounds on every one else in that room and the fact that I come every day and ignore their stares and still do the freakin workout should say something about my determination. AND keep in mind darling that I have been up since 5:30 this morning working every muscle in my body and doing anything at this point other than walking is making them shake. Oh i was mad!! He better not say a word to me again ... I'll let him have it. I've got my speech prepared as you can see. =o)

Yeah - so I've been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes now (just got that phone call) why do I get so worked up? She's just another human being - I'm just another church member going through something and needs to talk about it and get advice. Old hat for her. Scared poopless for me. ha - my Aunt Shelia always says that.

I think it's because once I do open my mouth, once I start that ball rolling - I can't undo it. Whatever her opinion of me is, today it will forever be changed. I guess I'm still hung up on the whole - God's children aren't depressed thing. It absolutely terrifies me. I know that I am a child of God, but I also know that I have a very real problem. And what makes in more frustrating is I cannot point to one, or even several things and say this is why I feel this way. I just know that walking through each day feeling completely alone, depressed, not wanting to do anything but sleep, having chest pains, itching to get home to an empty house for quiet and rest and then post-poning that as long as possible because it is empty and lonesome.... it's got to stop.

All I can do today is keep saying "God, I need strength today". Dana basically told me that it takes a strong person to make it this far... but even stronger to ask for help. That's where I'm at today. I am proud of myself (sorta) for making it this far. I've accomplished much with my short 26 years, but I'm standing at a crossroads where I know if I don't turn left and do something about this now -- it's gonna get worse, and I'm going to crash and burn.

On the other hand, I've got 26 years of history telling me that my system works. Just keep walking and you'll make it. It's rough at times, but you'll get through it and move on. I feel like... like God has a greater purpose for my life. That there is something he has planned for me to do. I have NO CLUE what that may be, but I feel like it's off in the distance just out of sight. I can see that there is something there... but not clearly. Know what I mean? But I feel like I cannot get from here to there without fixing this. And I don't know how to fix it.

I feel like I'm rambling and jumping from subject to subject. I've got to calm down. Gonna go finish getting ready now so I can twiddle my thumbs and wait another hour to leave. haha. I'll be sure to update later... asta