*sigh*

Today was rough. Well... to be honest, the last few days have been kinda rough. I really don't know how to describe it to you really. It's just been tough. Remember the distancing thing? Well, I feel myself pushing - no, more like shoving people away. I told Hope yesterday that I even have to force myself to call her - my best friend!! I don't know what to do.

I found an old journal that I've been reading though, and it's back from my IBC days. Most of it was just an account of the chorale tours from year to year; but again, I noticed the pattern back then as well as the journal from high school. What is my problem?

All through out this particular section of time I kept writing over and over that I just wish I could open up and talk to someone. I wish someone just would know and I wouldn't have to tell them. I wish someone would just wrap their arms around me and hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay. And here I sit, years later, dealing with the same emotions, feelings, insecurities, demons - whatever .... and I still cannot open my mouth. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?

The negative language that I've spoken to myself (and heard from others) all these years has been so ingrained into my very being that I can believe nothing less. It makes no sense to me that I can know it with my brain, believe it with my heart and yet still feel like it doesn't exist. Fused with corn yet?

I know that I have dear friends who would listen if I called to talk. I know there are people who care about me and my well being. I know that there are people out there who love me. I know that God loves me. I know that I am worth something. I know that I am not alone. I know that God is there every step of the way with me. I KNOW all this. I BELIEVE all this. But somewhere along the way, I've told myself that it's not really true. I don't feel loved, I don't feel that anyone would take the time to listen, that anyone would care. I feel worthless, hopeless, alone and completely broken. And worst of all, the thing that scares me the most that I finally admitted out loud... I don't feel like God loves me.

Now that's a messed up place to be! And it pains me to even type that, to admit it, to share it - but there it is. Probably the root of my problems right there. Now how do I fix it?

I don't know how to love or to be loved. I try - but I always just feel awkward. I feel like, one false move and that person will bolt. If I say one wrong thing - they are gone. If I cannot fulfill one favor - I'm no longer worth their time. That's why I continue to drop my plans, change my plans, bend over backward to help a friend and never ask for anything in return. It's hard to ask for help - really hard. And I know it is for everyone, but for me - I feel like I'm being a bother, and inconvenience, and an annoyance. I feel like, even though I've had times where I poured my heart out to friends, that in the end they really didn't care and was only sitting there listening to be nice.

So where do I go from here? Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? And when your brain is so messed up that you begin to doubt that God is the answer to those questions... what's a girl to do?

So there it is ... I feel I have completely exposed myself. Well, not completely - there is sooo much more rattling around in this brain of mine. But that is my feeling at the moment. Picture this grown woman who is strong and has it all together, but in reality it's just a shell that is shielding, protecting, but imprisoning a scared little 5 year old girl who is curled up on the floor weeping.... that is what I feel like.

God - I need your help....