I went digging yesterday and found some really old journals. REALLY old, like 1994 old. Let's see... I would have been 13, and one particular journal was one that I kept for a creative writing class at school. I was reading some of the entries, and it just made me realize just how long I've been fighting the battle in my mind. I'm 26 now, so for at least 13 years of my life I have been dealing with these same issues. How sad. It convicted me to my core, and I just prayed for God's forgiveness. Who knows where my life could be right now, what great and awesome things I could be doing for His kingdom had I not taken care of this back then. It makes my brain hurt to even think about it.
Do you ever have those moments where you wonder what life would have been like had this or that taken place? I wonder all the time what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed together, or if they never walked away from God... so how would life be different today had I realized at the age of 13 (and maybe younger, that's just as far back as my journals go and you KNOW I don't remember) that I had a problem and needed to seek help for it. wow. And how much simpler would it have been back then. Not as many years of ingrained behavior and learned coping mechanisms to break. Would have definitely been easier at that age to learn to trust rather than now.
What is cute about the journals I found, was the first one i opened up and started reading last night was where I was counting down the days until I got to come visit down here. I was such a dork even back then, it's hilarious to see it. Apparently this particular trip, in order to be allowed to go I had to pay my own way. So at 13 or 14, I had saved enough money to buy a plane ticket and get myself to Tennessee and I spent Spring Break here. I had made friends with Shay the last time I was down... well, as much friends as a 13 year old and a grown woman with kids could and I had talked about how much I missed her and loved her. Then I was talking about how mom would yell at me and tell me that I couldn't possibly love her and miss her since I'd only just met her and all this junk. Oh and the groundings ... just in the few months worth of journal that I read, several times had it mentioned that I could not go to church because of the house not being clean, or I had a bad grade, or mom just refused for me to go. Makes me cry for that little girl. Back then, there were no tears - just a determination. I was determined not to let her get to me, I held it all in... and now 13 years later, I weep for her.
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