So I've made it safely through the meeting. haha. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was - even to the point of tears right before I got there, but it actually went better than expected. It always does, I work myself up to thinking things like... oh, i don't know -- she's gonna run out the door screaming "she's a mad woman - crazy - everybody run!!" ha - not that that would ever happen, but these are the strange goings on of my mind.
I didn't know what to say or where to start, and I've been fretting over this for 2 weeks now. Not counting the amount of time it took me to gather my nerve just to ask her to meet with me. I'm such a dork ya know that? So I just asked her what her feelings were about getting therapy. And what she said surprised me. I was waiting for the - you must be a sinner, fallen from God's grace, backslidding, on your way to hell - speech. Okay, so maybe not that bad; but that is what I was expecting. She said she feels that you should address things spiritually first, make sure you are praying, reading your Bible, getting in the prayer line, and fully relying on God.... standard answers. However, then she said, but if you feel you have exhausted those means, then maybe you should see a therapist.
Of course, we didn't go into details - I don't do details. I just told her what has been going on lately. I told her about the pattern I've noticed in my own life, about bottling things up until I have a mini break down and go on. I told her how they are getting more severe and closer together and the whole chest pains thing is new. And the more we talked and the more she realized this was not just an all of a sudden thing, but a since I was born type thing... it's almost like she was encouraging me to seek therapy. Of course she's not gonna come out and say it. She said she would give me a week to make a Dr. appointment to get the chest pains checked out to make certain it's not a medical condition and then they can make a suggestion or recommendation of who to see. She suggested Dr. Shalaby (since I don't have a primary care physician) ... Vanisia at work sees Dr. Cobb and likes her very well ... I talked to Dawn today and she sees Dr. Green and says he's very good. So... I'm gonna do some calling around Monday and see if I can't possibly get in on Wednesday which is my half day.
I really don't want to jump into anything just yet. I do want to spend more focused time in prayer though. I know that I don't make enough time for prayer, and I'm sure that's part of the problem. I need to find a prayer partner is what I need to do - extra accountability.
I did tell her that I think mental health issues tend to run in my family. My mom really went a little nuts there for a while. I'm not talking your typical teenager saying my mom is crazy -- I really think she needed some sort of help. And I've painfully watched my sister and some of my cousins battle mental heath problems. I told her that I don't remember most of my childhood, and even that there are things that my sister has told me that I just do not remember. She said that sometimes it's best to close that chapter in your life and move on, and others you may have more difficult problems (i.e. chest pains) by closing a chapter that has not been properly dealt with. I told her there are some issues in my life that will never go away.
This junk with my Dad ... that will never go away. He will always be an issue and a sore spot with me. She said that she used to be like that, but that she does not NEED him b/c Bro. C has filled that for her. She said that she struggled a lot with being scared and could not be left alone, and that she had issues with self esteem and things like that. She said that her husband filled the places left vacant by her dad not being around and became her strength - through that and God she is the extroverted person that she is today. However, I am not to that place yet. I still feel like I need him, I still miss him terribly, and I still feel like a scared little girl running to mommy and daddy... but they are not there. And he has an incredible knack for sending an email at just the right time to keep me hoping and wishing. And yes, I said an email... no phone calls, no visits, just a one sentence email. Got one yesterday as a matter of fact. Have not heard from him since Grandpa Alfter's funeral, and I get an email. The entirety of it is this:
Jennifer,
Amber says you're not coming to her wedding. Say it ain't so!!!!
Dad
Which, by the way, I actually GOT an invitation to Amber's wedding - this would be my sister - unlike my brother's wedding which I knew nothing about until after the fact. I would love to go, but it's the Friday night before Memorial Day ... and we have a wedding on Saturday and Sunday that weekend. I just can't do it ... unless he wants to spring for a ticket there Fri morning and back Fri after the ceremony. Other than that ... I just can't.
Anyway, the point is... well heck, I don't know what the point is. I'm no more clear than when I started this morning, but at least I don't feel like I'll be condemned to hell for having mental problems, and I feel somehow lighter now that she knows. Don't get too excited, not that much lighter. Speaking of which... the pain is not as great today. I'm thinking that work has a lot to do with it. I think the stress of where I am at there, since I can't stand my boss, and the constant negativity I hear for 8 hours straight coming from Matt ... I think it takes a toll on me. Collections is a stressful job to begin with, when you add on top of that a boss you do not like and co workers that are "Negative Nancies" ... plus all the other junk I have on a daily basis - it's tough sometimes.
I am about to pass out... so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. yeah...right. But I'll try. Asta...
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