So... Our penciled in breakfast date for tomorrow got post-poned until Saturday lunch. ahh... that's another 3 days to worry!! What am I gonna do? At this point, I think that I'm just gonna feel her out on her thoughts about counseling and therapy and go from there. I am absolutely terrified. I'm torn between telling myself 'you've got to open up your mouth' and 'you are crazy, keep it shut'. What's a girl to do?
I was talking to a friend last night on the internet IM'ing back and forth. We've not really talked much in 3 years, but got into some pretty heavy conversation last night. Even in the comfort of my own room, alone, and only typing with no risk of anyone seeing me or even hearing me... just words on a screen -- I cannot bring myself to talk about myself or what's going on with me to a person I once considered my best friend. What is the deal with me? It's so frustrating. I wish I could just snap my fingers and someone could just be in my head for a few minutes and completely understand without having to try to form words.
I tell you one thing though ... these chest pains have got to stop. Even now, after midnight and about to fall out of my chair asleep... there is still that constant pressure. Imagine if someone had their hand on your chest and just kept pushing. I was getting a little panic-y tonight in praise team too. Maybe I just need to surrender to it all and loose my tiny little mind one good time and get it over with. ha! That's what I feel like doing sometimes.
Here's my struggle, and I have managed to make myself talk to Dana and Dawn about this surprisingly -- there is this part of me that is screaming out for help. I'm beginning to think that I need to seek professional assistance in dealing with some of the stuff going on in my head. Then there is another part that is saying - you are a child of God, you shouldn't be feeling this way. You are a christian, you shouldn't be depressed. You have the Holy Ghost, all you have to do is pray.
I am fully aware of my spiritual health, and granted I admit that I am not in the place that I should be. But can any of us truly say that? I know that I need to dedicate myself to growing in God and praying more and fasting more and reading the Bible more. I know that. Maybe I just need to have more faith, but at this time in my life - I do not see how prayer alone will help. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that prayer is my most vital tool and weapon against the enemy. I know it is the most untapped resource in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is (and out loud -sorta- for the first time), somewhere I need to find the courage to even trust God with every part of me. I feel like I hide so much and am ashamed of thoughts and feelings and background and family and so on.... that somewhere I've lost myself. Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror. I sure don't recognize her.
I'm trying to transform myself. I'm trying to take food away as a comfort and take pride in the way I look. Not just in my clothes, cuz you know I always gotta look cute! In my health and well being. My Grandma was in her late 40's when she had her first open heart surgery. Mom was in her 40's when they went in to put stints in her arteries. that gives me less than 20 years to make sure I don't follow in that path. So I'm putting forth the effort and busting my tail at 6am three days a week to do body pump, and trying to eat better, and loose the weight. But all this stress and anxiety and pent up emotion is going to kill me. I have got to get it out of me. I just pray that I can find the courage to trust someone enough.
Well, my eyes are starting to cross involuntarily... I guess it's time for bed - ha! More to come I'm sure..............
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