Another day...

I've noticed a distancing of myself lately. Not in any particular thing, but in general. People at work are beginning to comment about the change in my mood lately. So I have to ask myself... has it gotten that bad?... Or am I just tired of pretending? I don't know, but I fear that I am in for the fight of my life. No... I KNOW that I am. I just have to take care of this now, because I know that not too far down the road I will not be able to.

Do you know how insane it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone? Like there is not one solitary human being on the planet that understand or who cares for that matter. I know that is not true. I know that I have friend, family and a church who cares for me - but that does not change the feelings.

I am terrified of what lies ahead. It's a can of worms that I have held closed for so long, and now I not only opened it, but threw away the lid. There's no going back now. I cannot continue to suffer quietly and pretend that everything is okay. I have done what I thought I could never do - and that is ask for help. I went against every fiber of my being screaming to keep my mouth shut, and reached out to a select group of people. All on an individual basis, each knowing part but not the whole ... but it's there - they know - and I can't take that back. I have forever changed their opinions of me. That absolutely terrifies me.

I can feel myself pulling back and pushing away, and I'm torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay and fight through those emotions. *sigh* It's just so overwhelming at times. I was honest for the first time today when Hope asked me if I was alright ... I said no. *gasp* shocker!

I looked up depression today on the internet. Here are the symptoms:

I'm often restless and irritable.
I don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore.
I'm having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness.
I have nagging aches and pains that don't get better, no matter what I do.

My sleep patterns are irregular:
I'm sleeping too much.
I'm not sleeping enough.

I often have:
Digestive problems
Headaches or backaches
Vague aches and pains (eg, joint or muscle pains)
Chest pains
Dizziness

I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions.
People have commented on my mood or attitude lately.
My weight has changed considerably.
I feel that my functioning in everyday life (work and my interactions with family and friends) is suffering because of these problems.
I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks.
I have a family history of depression.
I've thought about suicide.

Guess how many I checked.... 13. THIRTEEN!! That's 13 out of 19 in case you were wondering.

I think I'm making Danielle mad. I haven't been to play tennis with them in probably 2 weeks now. I just don't have the strength to deal with dramatic people, and I don't have the energy or the willingness to fake it. It's better I just don't go, that way I can't say anything that I'll regret later. ha!

Bro. C is out of town preaching a 20 year anniversary service ... so there has been no laying on of hands today. I think I would have broken out in hives - ha. I've been trying the drugs the doctor gave me for the acid in the stomach ... I can't say that I notice any difference. Well, I can't say that. I have noticed that the pain is not as constant now, but you must take in to account that one HUGE stressor in my life has left (temporarily). Matt, the constant negative one at work, has been granted short term disability and FMLA to go and get some mental help. They finally moved me from directly in front of him earlier this week, and now he's out for 2 weeks. I have noticed a difference there. Vanisia moved in front of him and made the comment that she'd been sitting there for 2 days and already about to have nervous breakdown. I said "thank you ... thank you very much ... " So... it's either Matt or the meds, but there has been an easing of pain. However, before it was just a constant pressure... now it seems they will intensify for a short period of time. Hmm...

I started reading this book that I've had ever since IBC, but never had the guts to read it. It's called "Lord, Why am I Crying" by Lynda Allison Doty, PHD. In it she paraphrases another book by Dr. Timothy Foster called "Called to Counsel" where he used an interesting analogy for Depressed people that their root is Distorted Feelings.

"He talked about an emotion being sent from the production line to the packaging and labeling department, where it is given a name ("I feel hurt...") and an address (" ... at Jane"). He went on to say that at the factory, a new emotion is produced every ten minutes. What would happen if the shipping and delivery department went on strike, but the emotions plant continued to produce emotions? Soon the storeroom would be full, and you would have to start piling boxes inside the factory. The boxes would start to clog the assembly line, and eventually the whole system would shut down. What I have just described is the general cause of most depression. As the system gets clogged, a person can not longer feel emotions. A depressed person is apathetic. "I just don't care about things anymore. It's like part of me is dead". What do we do with emotions to short-circuit them so they do not pile up and begin to control our lives? We must learn to deliver them, get them out of the factory and to the proper address so the factory does not end up closed down."

I feel like I am standing in the midst of a shut down emotion factory, with piles and piles of boxes. I pick one up ... shake it a little ... barely pull it open to peek in - then slam it shut and chuck it across the room wondering how in the world am I gonna get my factory back up and running with 26 years worth of boxed up emotions standing in the way.

That's where I am today. Scared. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. Trying to wrap my brain around that scary word "depression". Seeing the massive amount of work to be done, yet lacking the strength and ability to get those boxes shipped out. So I solicit your prayers today... and in the future. I can't do this on my own, I realize that now.